42. You Got Me Losin' All My Cool

After Kara dashed out for practice Lena reached for her phone to text Jess about arranging her flight back to National City, then rolled over to bury her face in Kara's pillow. Not knowing when she would see her again, she wanted to soak up her scent while she still could.

Her feelings and thoughts were at war with her alpha, which was instinctively rejoicing at the thought that Kara could be pregnant. At the same time her brain was working double overtime thinking of all the possible scenarios. If she was pregnant, what would the hormones do to her play? Lena decided to research medical journals to see if there had been any studies or anecdotal evidence about what to expect. Most people didn't even know they were pregnant until past the first month, so Lena knew there wouldn't be much information out there. They would just have to hope for the best.

Her mind raced past what could happen during the Cup, win or lose - if she was pregnant, would Kara want to stay pregnant? The thought caused her stomach to roll with panic, mixed with excitement. And the most looming question in the back of her mind, if Kara did want to have a baby, what would that mean for her career? She was on the edge of what was probably the pinnacle of her success - not only of being in top form as an athlete, but at the height of her 'bankability' as an star and the opportunity at parlaying her success into sponsorships and setting herself up to have a sustainable career. All that could be at stake.

The question Lena tried not to think about at all was how she herself felt about the idea. The timing was terrible, but what if Kara was pregnant and wanted to have a baby, what would that mean for Lena? How would she fit into the picture? Did she want a baby? All her thinking ultimately led to a deep feeling of guilt for putting Kara into this position. She wished there was a way to take away her burden of worry.

All her thoughts, emotions, and instincts conflicted and kept cycling through her head until she finally drifted off to sleep. She was exhausted, having only slept fitfully in the few hours they had together before Kara had to leave that morning. When she woke up again it was after 10 am, and she was happy to see Jess had been able to get her flight set up for early afternoon. She packed quickly and made her way to the airport. She decided she was better off eating on her own jet than at the hotel. On her ride there she got a call from Sam.

"What the hell, Lena? I thought we were going out last night?"

"Sorry for disappearing Sam. Didn't you get my text?"

"Sure, I got a very mysterious text cancelling - with no explanation!"

Lena took a deep breath. "It's a long story. Alex didn't say anything?"

"Alex and I haven't had much of a chance to talk. You know I'm in California now. And she seems to be pretty absorbed in whatever the hell is going on with your girlfriend." Sam said, sounding concerned. "How about you tell me? Maybe I can help."

Lena knew she could trust Sam, and that Alex would probably tell her soon anyway. She knew she needed to talk to someone. She gave Sam a quick download of the past two days.

"You haven't done anything wrong, Lena." Sam said after Lena finally finished her rambling explanation.

"If I haven't, then why is she in his situation?"

"You're both in this situation. Don't pretend like this doesn't affect you."

Lena looked out the window of the car. "Of course it does! But Kara is the one that I'm worried about."

"Sorry, just...this may be affecting you more than you realize. And that's OK."

"Thanks, Sam." Lena could feel her eyes welling with tears. "It helps a bit just to talk about it." Lena closed her eyes and fought back her emotion. "It's so hard to just...leave her here. With all she has to deal with. Alone to worry about what comes next..."

"First of all, she's not alone. She has Alex. And Lucy. And you know Sara is looking out for her..."

"Yeah. I mean...sure, I suppose..."

"I know you'd rather be there yourself. But there isn't a goddamn thing you can do to help."

"I know! I hate not being able to fix this."

"Kara's a big girl, Lena. She's going to be fine."

"I hate that I've done something that makes her life harder. That potentially jeopardizes her performance. Her career!"

"So, you really pushed her to have sex when she didn't want to?"

"Sam! Of course not. I would never..."

"Lena, calm down! I know you wouldn't. I was just trying to get you to see that this isn't your fault. It's no one's fault. You tried to be safe. It was an accident. Give yourself a break. Let it go."

Lena got quiet. She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "I can't."

"How about we go out tonight? You need to take a break from all your stress. Let's go out! We'll get some drinks, we'll dance, we'll forget for a couple of hours."

"I can't, Sam." The car was came to a stop. "Gotta go, just made it to the airport."

"OK. But don't say 'no' yet. Go home, get in the jacuzzi. Call me later."

"Yeah. OK."

***

That same day, Kara was on a roller coaster of emotions that day at practice, ranging from sadness to know Lena was on her way home, to guilt about the idea she could get pregnant, to excitement that she could be pregnant, then followed by her brain chastising her omega desires to be pregnant - regardless of the impossible timing. And top of that, the fear that all her worries were obvious, and that somehow her coach could see right through her, and was regretting letting Lena stay and feeling disappointed in Kara. or trusting her at all...she could feel herself tumbling down a rabbit hole of conflicting emotions.

Through all that, there was underlying hurt and anger over Mikel's post, which seemed like ages ago now, but had been less than 3 days. She knew she still needed to work through feelings around it. So, she did what she always did when she needed to take her mind off things - she played as hard as she could, pushed her body to the limits trying to exhaust herself so that she would be too tired to think by the time she made it to bed. Lena had a work event that night, so they were only able to text and not talk.

That night she was back sharing a room with Lucy. It was a relief to get away from Alex. Kara could pratically smell her disappointment even though she didn't mention it again. Lucy just held her and listened to her worries until she drifted off to sleep.

The rest of the week she continued to throw herself into practices. They now had less than a week before they would fly to Australia and begin the tournament a week later. Every other night she worked with her therapist an tried to let go of the anger towards Mikel. Every once in a while she caught herself paying extra attention to her body, wondering, looking for signs that she knew were too early to be there, even if she turned out to be one of the '1 in 4 omegas' who got pregnant after onprotected sex though not in heat. On Thursday night she laid awake long past the point where Lucy dozed off. Suddenly she was longing to speak to Lena, but knew it was too late to call. She might wake Lucy and thought Lena was probably asleep anyway. But in the end she couldn't help reaching out via text hoping she would wake Lena if she was sleeping.

K: Hi.It was more than 10 minutes later before she heard a notice ping.L: Hey baby. Why are you awake?Kara put her head under the blanket with her phone so as not to wake Lucy with the light and movement.K: Can't sleep. Why are you awake?L: On a late call with Tokyo...K: No rest for you CEO types.L: I'm not getting up at the crack of dawn like you PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES.K: Don't know if 7 is crack of dawn, but OK.L: Why can't u sleep?K: Thinking.L: About?K: Everything.L: You know you don't have to figure out everything right now.K: I guess.L: Wish I was there. Maybe I could help.K: You always do.L: Tell me what's on your mind, maybe that will help.Kara stared at the screen for a while before typing again.K: Do you ever think about what it would be like to have a family?L: I can honestly say I never had, until I met you.K: Charmer.L: It's true.K: And what do you think about it?L: I don't know. It's not the right timing. But the thought of a tiny person running around, with your eyes. And smile. How could that be a bad thing?L: If it was something you wanted some day.Kara was stunned at Lena's thoughts and was at a loss about how to respond.L: Still there? Did that scare you? Sorry.K: No! You just. Surprised me.L: We don't have to talk about it now. Just know that you've changed my perspective on many things.Kara decided she couldn't handle the serious direction of the discussion and tried to deflect.K: Like developing a thorough knowledge of soccer?L: Precisely.L: Seriously though. I don't think you understand how drastically I've changed since I met you.K: I've never wanted you to change for me Lena.L: It's not like that.K: How is it, then? I think you're perfect the way you are.L: Charmer ;)L: I mean my priorities. The things I want. Are different.K: How?L: Like after I got back from Florida on Sunday, Sam dragged me out to the clubs. I just wanted to stop thinking for a bit. Drank too much. Danced. It helped me relax. But when it turned into the usual scene, getting approached by beautiful women, I wanted no part of it. It only made me miss you.K: Sorry. Do you miss your carefree-player days?L: No. I don't miss any of it. All the time and energy wasted. Seems pointless, looking back.K: You must have had many amazing times.L: Yes. Just doesn't compare to how I feel when I'm with you. Our connection.K: Aww. You really are too much.L: Just being honest.K: God, I miss you.L: Me too. Hey, shouldn't you try to sleep?K: Yeah. Better go. Sleep tight Lena.L: I'm going to ignore the obvious pun there.K: :OL: I love you, Kara.K: Me too ;)

***

On Saturday the team packed up and boarded the 18 hour flight to Sydney. They missed the luxury of the L-Corp jet, but were all excited none the less. Kara thought the distance from Lena and 14 hour time difference would help with her concentration. The team didn't seem to detect a difference, but she couldn't help her thoughts turning frequently to Lena, and the thought that there was a chance she could be pregnant. As much as she tried to push the thoughts away.

As it turned out, she was right. The excitement of being in Australia for the first time and beginning their final week of training ahead of the start of the tournament helped her get better perspective. The sights and sounds of Sydney, new foods to try, meeting new people, hearing new accents, it was all thrilling. She loved the Jubilee stadium where they were practicing and threw herself into training and working with the team. At last she came to terms with the unknown of whether she was pregnant and let go of her fears, resolving to just take one day at a time.

The team worked hard all week and Kara could feel they were really coming together. She reached a point where she genuinely couldn't wait to start the tournament. By the end of the week she could tell Sara felt the same. The coach let them out an hour early from practice on Friday and gave them a later than usual start time for Saturday.

"Alright, women! You've worked your tails off training for a month and it's time for you to have some fun. No curfew tonight, as long as you're spending time with teammates. Go out there and show this town how Yanks can party!"

The team whooped with excitement. After nearly a month of no partying, no late nights, no freedom they were ready to let off the steam. They did a team cheer at the top of their lungs and yelled their thanks to the coach as they ran for the locker room.

The team rushed through showers and dashed out to grab dinner and hit the town. They eventually made their way to the famous Stonewall bar, where they found bars on 3 different levels. Kara recognized some of the more well-known players from teams they would be playing. It seemed other teams were were ready to let loose a bit before the start of the tournament. Kara was surprised to realize how many people recognized her, and found herself dancing with teammates and new friends she'd made from other teams as the night went on.

They all danced the night away, until eventually Kara collapsed into a booth, exhausted from dancing and talking over the music. It wasn't long until one of the players from another team slid in next to her and began flirting. Kara smiled and took it in stride until the woman became a little too friendly. Just as she started to excuse herself Lucy appeared and dragged her out to the dance floor.

"Thanks for the save." She leaned towards Lucy's ear so she wouldn't be heard.

"What are friends for?" As the music switched to a slower song the wrapped their arms around each other, just like old times. Kara could feel her exhaustion from the intense week seeping in. She let her head rest on Lucy's shoulder.

"It's not easy being everyone's fav new player. On top of everything else you're dealing with. How about we get out of here?" Lucy asked.

"Yes. Please." Kara said. "It's been a blast but I need to crash."

In the lights of the dance floor neither noticed flashes of a camera nearby. They made their way out, hailing teammates as they left. Some joined and others waved them on. Eventually they secured a ride with a very friendly driver through Shebah which they'd heard about from new friends at the bar. The woman recognized Kara and was thrilled to be driving members of the American team. The driver explained to them that Shebah was an all-women rideshare company with all women drivers who drove only women and children. Their mission was to help women feel more secure using rideshares for themselves and their kids while increasing jobs available for women in an industry that was largely male.

"It's brilliant! Wish we had something like this in the States." Kara mused. Before long they were pulling up to their hotel. Kara shoved too much money at the driver and climbed out.

"Wait love, you need some change." The driver called.

"Keep it - it's a tip!"

"You know, we don't really do that here." The woman said, holding some bills towards Kara.

"I know. Just doesn't feel right to me. Go ahead let me be a clueless American."

"Fine then. Cheers." The driver smirked. "And good luck in with the matches! Just don't beat our hometeam!"

"No promises!" The players laughed and waved. Lucy took Kara's arm and they weaved their way to their room and collapsed on the bed, not even bothering to change.

"Fuck. That was quite a night." Lucy whispered as she her eyes began to close. "So glad we don't have early training."

Kara pulled up her phone to text Lena goodnight and watched as it shutdown. "Damn! My phone just died." Too tired to move, she tossed it on the bedside table and rolled over. She wished she could cuddle up with Lena and mused at how at the idea that it was late in the afternoon back home.

"Night, Luce."

"G'night, Kara."

***

Lena was having a late lunch/strategy meeting with Sam when she heard her phone ping. Their companies were jointly launching a new top secret project and they wanted to think carefully about who and how to start bringing people in. Normally Lena wouldn't check, but she hadn't heard from Kara in a while and knew it was late in Sydney. She wanted to at least respond with a goodnight, but had a strict rule about phones during meetings for herself and her employees. Sam saw her eyes dart to the phone and smirked.

"It's OK, Lena. I know you want to check it. Go on."

Lena smiled and grabbed it, feeling thankful it was just Sam so she could get away with it. But instead of a goodnight text from Kara she was surprised to see the text had come from Kate Kane. Curious, she opened it anyway. It just said 'Hi from Sydney' followed by a link. Lena clicked on it before she could think better of it./p>

Lena laughed at a headline from an Australian gossip site: "Yankee footballers take Sydney by storm!"

She knew she should put it away for later, but couldn't resist paging through the images. She smiled at pix of the team dancing at the club.

"Seems Sara has let them off the leash a bit." Her eyes flashing up at Sam.

"About time. Any sign of Alex?"

Lena continued to scroll until she reached a photo of Kara, taken from the side. Her arms were wrapped around the waist of a brunette and her mouth was against the woman's ear, looking conspiratorial and intimate.

Suddenly Lena felt her blood surging, almost roaring in her ears. Her smile disappeared as her face went white.

"Lena - what is it?" Sam sounded alarmed at the sight of her. "Are they OK? Did something happen?"

Lena looked back at the phone, moving to the next image which was taken from behind the brunette. Kara's face clearly visible over her shoulder. She was smiling as she held the woman close. Lena felt like her world was caving in at the sight.

"Lena?" Sam sounded increasingly worried.

"Sorry, I...no, everything's fine. Looks like they're having a great time."

Sam narrowed her eyes and reached for the phone. Lena released it and sat back in her seat as Sam looked through the images.

"Lena. It's just dancing. They haven't been out in ages. They're drinking and having a good time."

"I know, I...fuck. It just hit me, the sight of her..." She put her head into her hands. "I don't know what came over me."

"It's OK, Lena. You're allowed to react to something like this. You're an alpha for god sakes, as much as you try not to act like one sometimes. And you've been through a really intense week." Sam handed the phone back. "Why don't we take a break and you can give Kara a call? We'll pick this up later."

"No, I...it's the middle of the night there. She must be asleep by now." Lena closed her eyes against an image of Kara, asleep but arms wrapped around someone else. She felt her blood rise again.

"Lena...are you sure?"

"It's fine. Let's continue. I just need to send a quick text."

Lena paged back to Kate Kane's message and typed a brief reply.

L: Lose my number. Forever.

Just as she set the cell down, her desk phone rang. Jess knew not to interrupt a meeting unless it was important so she answered.

"So sorry to bother you. Mr. Dox is on the line and he insists on speaking with you immediately."

"Please put him through." Sam looked at her quizzically as Lena waited for the connection.

"Ms. Luthor. You may recall that a few weeks ago you asked me to establish extreme security protocols related to Mr. Luthor's access to L-Corp communications and data, and that you would be assured of your access to his work."

"Yes, of course I recall." Lena said, sounding alarmed. "Has there been a breach in security?"

"No. Of course not." The man sounded a bit shocked at the suggestion. "It is only that I thought you might want to be aware of some unusual activities related to Mr. Luthor's research. I realize you did not ask for me to inform you of this, however over the past several weeks as I have endeavored to secure the systems I noticed some anomalies. I began the process by initiating..."

"Please, Mr. Dox. Will you cut to the chase?" Lena interrupted, she couldn't bear to wait through what she knew from experience would be a very detailed explanation of all that had taken place, whether important or not.

"Of course. Since you prefer to speak with idioms, let me explicate using the same method."

"Please do." Lena demanded.

"I believe the most appropriate idiomatic phrase to use is in this case would be:'I think we got 'em!'"

A wide smirk broke across Lena's face and looked at Sam with wild eyes. She angled the phone away from her face.

"It's about Lex - sounds like we have something on him!" She whispered.

Sam's eyes went wide at the news.

"Oh, fuck!