Chapter 10: This is Getting Weird
"Huh, what?"
When I opened my eyes, I noticed Paula and Fiona standing over me and looking down at me. There was something different about them though.
"Paula? Fiona? Did... did your hair grow longer?"
"Oh god dipshit you're awake."
"What? Paula, how long was I out for?"
"Dipshit... you've been out... for 6 months."
"What!?!?!"
"Nah just kidding. Ned gave Fiona and me these hair extensions as mini prizes. Neat right?"
As she said that, Fiona and Paula detached a part of their hair off their head returning their hair to their normal lengths.
"Okay... that joke is not original, I'm pretty sure I saw that in a web comic."
"SHUT UP NOTHING IS ORIGINAL FOOL!"
The thunderous booming voice of Ned brought me into a standing position.
"Okay seriously, can you give at least a little warning before doing that?"
"I'M SORRY, IS XAVIER "THE AUTHOR WON'T EVEN BOTHER WITH A LAST NAME" THE HOST OF ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS? NO, NO HE'S NOT, IT'S MOTHERFUCKING NED."
"Okay so just to be clear, my last name is..."
"ALRIGHT SO FOR THIS CHALLENGE, YOU WILL HAVE TO ROLE PLAY AS ANIMALS AND WHOEVER DOES THE BEST JOB IMITATING ONE WINS."
"Wait what happened in the last trial? Also, Ned what the fuck, is a large part of your audience furries or something? This is getting weird."
"WE KEEP OUR AUDIENCE DEMOGRAPHIC INFORMATION CONFIDENTIAL."
"...Well maybe Melanie will look cute if she pretends to be a cat."
"OH YEAH, SHE'S STILL UNCONSCIOUS BY THE WAY."
"What?!?!"-
And indeed as I looked next to me, Melanie was unconscious.
"YEAH, MAYBE SHE MET THE GREEN-HAIRED DEVIL GIRL."
"Who's that?"
"SOMEONE WHOSE STORY WILL NEVER BE FINISHED AT THIS RATE... ANYWAYS LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOO"
As he said that a hole appeared underneath us and yadda yadda, you know the rest.
-1 slide later-
Ned: "WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE FINAL 4 OF THE ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS CHALLENGE! TO RECAP THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE STILL ALIVE. PLANET 14, THE DIPSHIT PLANET. PLANET 24, THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS. PLANET 6, THE PLANET WITH ONLY GUYS. AND PLANET 9, THE PLANET THAT CAN SHAPESHIFT THEIR GENDER."
Xavier: Well that's convenient. The only named characters are the ones left. It's as if this whole show is rigged!
Ned: IT IS NOT RIGGED SHUT UP.
Xavier: I raised an eyebrow at Ned's mild annoyance. Perhaps this would serve as a plot device later in the story. Ala Chekov's gun.
Ned: I'M GOING TO CHEKOV'S GUN YOUR MOM IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP DIPSHIT. ANYWAYS, JUST AS WE PROMISED THE AUDIENCE, TODAY'S CHALLENGE WILL HAVE THE PARTICIPANTS OF EACH PLANET ROLEPLAYING AS DIFFERENT ANIMALS!
Xavier: Wait is it our choice what animal we roleplay as or...
Ned: NO, WE WILL GIVE YOU CARDS.
Xavier: Yeah that sounds fair.
As I said that a tiki-masked alien suddenly went up to me and handed me a card.
"Cat" the card read.
Xavier: Well that's boring.
Ned: OH ALSO YOU MAY NOT LOOK AT THE CARDS YOUR TEAMMATES RECEIVED OR COMMUNICATE TO EACH OTHER WHAT YOUR CARD SAYS. YOU MUST SIMPLY ACT SPONTANEOUSLY, LIKE ANIMALS AT A ZOO. ANYWAYS LET'S START. PLANET 4 YOU'RE UP FIRST, PLEASE WILL THE 4 OF YOU COME ONTO THE CEMENT SQUARE IN THE CENTER OF THIS STADIUM. OH ALSO DIPSHIT, PLEASE CARRY MELANIE'S UNCONSCIOUS BODY WITH YOU.
I did as he instructed and went up to Melanie.
Xavier: Guess I gotta do this again. But for you, it's worth it.
I sighed smiling as I began dragging Melanie by 1 arm along the ground. I mean, I was tired, to be honest, that acid trip took a lot out of me. I feel like carrying Melanie was just like, unnecessary. Yeah, not like she'd remember anything anyways so might as well be efficient about it and just drag her along the ground. Which I did as the 4 of us arrived at the center cement square.
Xavier: Alright wait, do we have to imitate the sounds or...
Ned: YOU MAY SPEAK ENGLISH, BUT YOU MUST IMITATE NOISES THE ANIMAL MAKES ROUTINELY.
Xavier: ...
Ned: IN EVERY OTHER WAY YOU MUST ACT LIKE THE ANIMAL INCLUDING HOW THEY MOVE.
Xavier: ...
Ned: ALRIGHT BEGIN!
As soon as he gave the signal, Paula, Fiona, and I dropped onto all 4 of our limbs. Damn, what did he give them? Hopefully not a dog... dogs are scary.
Ned: REMEMBER YOU ARE BEING JUDGED BY ACCURACY IN DEPICTION, SO YOU WILL HAVE TO TALK EVENTUALLY.
Fiona: ...
Paula: ...
Melanie: zzzzzz
Xavier: ... nyooooooooooooo
Paula: Wait, meow the fuck?! You're a cat too?"
Fiona: Nyo... all of us are.
Xavier: Why? Why did Nyed do this?
Paula: It's probably because cats are the meowst popular animal by far.
Xavier: That's true. But why? Nyow are they so popular?
Fiona: Because cats rule the Universe.
Ned: THAT IS FALSE.
Fiona: Nyo it's true.
Ned: NYO IT'S NOT, I MEAN NO IT'S NOT.
Xavier: Nyo k? But Fionyea, nyow did they take over?
Paula: I meowean, just look at them. They're so cute.
Fiona: I knyow right!
Paula: Okay nyo mewore talking Fiona, I'm going to also pass out from blood loss.
Fiona: Nyo! Nyo you deserve it.
As she said that, Paula did indeed also faint on the ground from blood loss.
Ned: ALRIGHT THAT'S NYALL I MEAN ALL FOR NOW. OKAY NEXT WILL BE PLANET 24 THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS. ALRIGHT PLANET 4, YOU CAN EXIT NYOW BEFORE YOU EVENTUALLY SUBMIT TO THE OVERNYORDS. I MEAN... BEFORE THE VOTING TAKES PLACE.
The way Nyed was talking about what Fiona told me earlier had me a little bit concerned. Had cats gotten too powerful at this point? I wasn't sure. I guess nyothing I could do about this I thought as I began dragging Melanie again along the ground towards the exit.
"Nyavier."
"What?"
I looked up to see Billy as he walks past me.
"Nyait for me," he said.
"What... the fuck."
I look down at Melanie who was still unconscious but whose stupid grin looked dumber than usual.
"Myeowanie, you better actually be sleeping."
I dropped her arm letting Melanie fall to the ground. Alright, she was either actually still unconscious or the greatest actress that ever lived.
Ned: ALRIGHT MEOWBIUS SIBLINGS, YOU MAY BEGIN.
Billy's brother: Nyello everyone.
Xavier: What...
I looked up at the cube TV to see the Mobius siblings acting like cats as well...
Xavier: Oh nyo.
-nyinty meowutes nyater in Nyed's office-
Ned: ALRIGHT PLANET 9 YOU ARE OUT. ARE NYOU HAPPY NOW BOSS? PWEASE, NYET ME GO. WE DID EVERYTHING YOU NYASKED. I DON'T WANT ANOTHER WATER DROP. NYO. NYO. NYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO