Saffran's POV

SAFFRAN'S

POV

What is

love?

Surely not

what's between my parents.

They made me

not to believe in love. Now I'm suffering, suffocated in this loneliness. I

never felt completely satisfied in anyone's company. I thought that if i date

girls, please them, have great sex I'll eventually fall in love. But all that

were wrong. When I

ditched my best friend for a girl, I had my first regret. I thought always

sitting with Norman, spending time with him won't be enough for me. I wanted

more people's attention. Then I made friends with the basketball team. I knew

their popularity, they basically ruled the school. Even though I was handsome

and rich myself, I wanted companionship from those who are on equal level with

me. I met Jess just after joining soccer club. I wanted to join the basketball

club but i loved soccer more. Norman soon joined the soccer team after me.

I thought

that I could fall for Jess as she was basically the queen of the school. Her

beauty was on different level. I started to date her right then. The time I

spent with her was great, the sex was someone could die for. But still i felt

something missing.

I gradually

saw Norman drifting away from me. I didn't care. Or may i say, i didn't want to

care. He was chubby, so poor that it almost disgusted me. My mom always told me

to pick the best from the table. Norman wasn't on my level. But i felt bad for

him when his dad died. He became a loner soon. My mom never liked him. He used

to try hard to please my mom but all was in vain.

After a year

of dating I was feeling suffocated again. My dad cheated on my mom and i couldn't

bear their fights and argument. I felt so depressed that i stopped talking with

Jess for the meantime. And that's when Jess cheated on me.

I didn't

feel anything. I missed my old days with Norman. He used to stick with me 24/7.

And that's why I never felt lonely with him. I was scared that i might fall for

him one day. I never wanted to be gay. I can never picture myself with a boy.

That was

also a reason why i left Norman. But his presence started haunting me. Whenever

he used to walk in front of me i had this urge to run to him and talk. He gave

me subtle glances. I knew how he was looking at me. But i never paid attention.

As the

lonely feeling started to grow and grow I decided to use Norman for my

experiment. I was always grossed out from a male's body. A dick can never turn

me on. But Norman's case was different. And i wad freaking out.

I thought

that maybe if i see him without clothe or touch him then i might feel grossed

out and this empty feelings of his absence will die down.

God knew how

much i was wrong.

I knew he

was angry with me. And as per my twisted personality i started teasing him,

giving rude remarks which easily brought him tears. He became less chubby in

one year. His skin started to clear up, his hair became so shiny and luscious

that i just wanted to bury my nose in it. Norman's body smell always lured me.

I wanted to feel grossed out but the baby powder smell, his shampoo's scent,

when he sweats there's an earthy smell comes from his body. I couldn't control

myself.

That night

at the party i made my first move. F*cking that slut made me feel so irritated

that i needed to vent out. He caught me f*ckin her. I wasn't pleased having him

see me like this. Obviously i know he thinks I'm a slut. Which i was no doubt.

But his reactions were interesting. He didn't stop me. Which made me bolder and

bolder day by day. I never knew Norman's lips were this soft and plump. I'd

just ravish him right there. But i didn't intend to scare him off. So i took it

slow.

Norman didn't

protest any of my desires. That night when mom and dad fought so hard i came to

his house in the midnight. An oddly soothing worked in me when i was in his

arms. I jerked off with him to relieve my pent up frustrations. The face he

showed me that night stirred the darkest desire of having him.

And then he

talked about Jess and my dad. I knew he didn't like Jess. But for some reasons

i couldn't bear any bad words against her. Maybe it's because she was with me

for a long time when i needed attention and love. I'm not sure if she loves me.

I couldn't care about that. Even though she said she loved me i didn't feel

anything.

The more i

explored Norman's body the more addicted i became. Which scared the shit out of

me. I didn't want to be addicted with a male's body. I didn't want to fall for

a boy. I know i hurt him with my words such of not wanting a relationship, he's

not more than a fuck buddy. He was hurt by me continuously. But he stayed.

I don't know

why he stayed. Was it because he considered this friendship between us

precious? I didn't know. But i never felt this much joy. No matter what i blabbered

he listened. He never criticised my family problems after that day. His words

were oddly satisfying. He didn't say much words to sympathize me which i was

glad for. I didn't want anyone's sympathy.

Whenever i

was in a bad mood he lightened me up. Either with his body or his witty

remarks, his stupid jokes. I was so relieved whenever i was with him. It felt

like a big stone was lifted from my shoulder.

Mom and

dad's fight though bothered me but he was my escape.

As i was

scared deep down of being addicted to him, I started talking with Jess again. She

said sorry for cheating but somehow i wasn't angry at her. I was never angry at

her. That cheating was just an excuse to get in touch with Norman. Or else he'd

find it weird as why i suddenly started speaking with him.

Jess and I's

relationship again started to grow stronger. Norman knew it. I saw his face whenever

he saw me talking about Jess. I didn't want to lead him on. I know sometimes i

said some words which seemed like i loved him. But that wasn't the case.

I know that wasn't

it. Or at least i think so.

And to prove

it, I kept on defending her. Everyone thought i wasn't over her. Only if they

knew.

I though sex

with him would be repulsive. But to my utter dismay, I just wanted to bury my

d*ck in his ass forever. I know it's cringey.

I saw how

that purple haired boy craved for Norman's attention. A feeling that i never

felt before occurred.

Jealousy.

I was so

obvious with my jealously that everyone around me started suspecting me. But i couldn't

control myself whenever i saw Norman with some boys other than me. I would go

crazy seeing him so touchy with other boys.

When he

kissed that man in the bar of L.A, I completely lost it. I know it was my fault

that i ditched him. But what if my other teammate saw me dancing with him? I

also wanted to taste those ladies. That man was so much more handsome than me

that i was having self doubt.

Can you

imagine? Saffran Senin is having self doubt?

I tried to

punish him with sex toys  but it only

became more steamy. I never had this great sex in my life. Norman sucked the vigour

out of me. As embarrassing as it sounds, I also never came this much in my

whole life.

Then the

reality hit me. I saw Norman's diary. Norman liked me. He was jealous of Jess.

He liked me for a long time. I was scared. I didn't want a relationship with a

boy. I didn't want to become a fag.

I ignored

him for a week. Norman didn't know what he did. He looked for me crazily. I was

surprised at his desperation for me. I felt bubbly, but the dread destroyed it.

I tried so

hard to give attention to Jess. I practically begged myself to spend time with

her. It was so boring. Then Norman confronted me. He denied his feelings. He

wanted to carry on this messed up friendship/fuck buddy relationship. I couldn't

ask more. I also wanted it. Without his body I starved like a hungry man.

I took him

to my most private place. Where only i would go. My grandpa, the person i loved

the most. His house. We made lo-had sex there. I know my grandpa would be disgusted

by my acts but i couldn't help it. I wanted to do it with Norman  in that place.

We were cool

after that. Petty fight about Jess with Raven made him angry. But i knew he'd

come around. And his heart melted the next day when he saw me with a black eye.

I actually thought he was pathetic. Nevertheless he listened to my rantings

again. Comforted me like nobody else.

I took him

with my dad to spend the day. I knew i wouldn't be able to last much long with

dad as i was really angry with him. But looking at dad, i knew he enjoyed

Norman's company so much that it looked like he wanted him as his son. I felt

jealous. But it was childish. Norman is so cheerful and bright that anybody

would love him instantly. Obviously except my mom and....well me.

I wanted to

kiss him on the top of the Ferris wheel too. It was my dream to do it with the

love of my life. But i would never love Norman in that way. I'm denying it so

hard that it practically hurts. I don't know if I'll ever regret this choice. I

hope not.

Red

lingerie. I never knew anybody could look this 'HOT' in it. I almost got a nose

bleed. He just surpassed the miss world in it. So much sexiness was oozing out

from him. I'd never let him show this side to anyone. Never. I wanted to keep

him all for myself.

It wasn't

even hard-core porn. But i ejaculated in a minute seeing him pinching his pink

plump bud spreading the slit. I actually thought 'Is god showing me the

heaven?' God forgive me.

The urge to strip

him from that red garment was so strong that I had to take a super cold shower

to calm myself down.

Not after

two days he dropped the L bomb. Which i did everything i can to avoid. Anger

rose in my head. I couldn't think. How could he love me when i treated him like

a fuck buddy. He knew i lust after his body. Still he confessed to me. I was

confused, scared, frustrated. I didn't want to reciprocate his feelings. I didn't

want to love a guy. I'm not a homo. He can't make me a homo.

I quickly

called Jess. I needed to get over this. I needed to control my lust. I couldn't t let myself

sway away. I called her the next day. I need to taste her body. To remove Norman's

familiar taste from my mind. Jess, the ever hot she is couldn't deny me. I knew

she wanted me.

I couldn't feel

it. The emptiness returned. Her body felt like a sex toy. No heart beat, no

passion. Still i fucked her. I had to do this.

After what

felt like eternity I finally came inside of her. Obviously i used condom. I don't

want to be a father right now. That's when Norman came to my house. Seeing him

i felt alive. Even though i came i still felt pent up seeing him. But i need to

control my act. I gave him the coldest look i can muster. I could see tears in

his eyes. It somehow pained me a lot. He was good to me all this time. But when

he saw Jess coming outside in her underwear he broke. I saw him breaking. He

ran away. The weather was not good. It'd rain down soon. I was worried. Jess

took my phone to call her mom. But my mind was lingering around Norman's

thoughts. Would he be okay out in the rain? I sighed for the 100th

time.

Divorce.

Mom and dad

filed a divorce. Mom was crying like someone died.

My family

was breaking.

I was soon

to be in the list of boys with a broken family.

I couldn't

bear this. I was crying silently in my room. Like a pathetic bitch. I wanted to

escape.

To my

comfort zone. To Norman.

But the next

day i never knew I'd see this happening. The photos Norman sent me was viral.

Everybody saw Norman in those lingerie. Which i wanted to keep for myself. I

felt angry. I was so angry at him. If he denied me that day then this wouldn't happen.

But above all I'm angry at myself. I wanted to forget it so bad. I didn't leave

Jess' side. I didn't want a confrontation. I wouldn't be able to look at his

face. I was also frustrated from my parent's divorce.

And so when Norman

slapped Jess i lost it. I couldn't bear the disgust on his face for me. I

vented my anger on him. The anger i felt towards my luck.

And that's

when i regretted for the second time.

I messed up.

He hated me.