Somehow Heartfelt Conversation

"How are you doing in Canada?" I messaged my Dad through Messenger.

"We're alright. We're getting started to be quarantine for a while as what Justin Trudeau promised us. He promised that the cases will be settled if there would be any." At that time it was already 1,230 positive cases confirmed, and they just started implementing a lockdown. However, I cannot get the facts straight because I do not know much about the news in Canada.

"That's good to hear," I said.

I sometimes wonder if I would really start managing my files going to Canada, would it make a difference at all? Would my health improve with my dad by my side? I hope so. I really hope that it makes a difference because I am so afraid that I would be the same if ever I would be with him in Canada.

He is aware of my situation. He was the first one who attempted to aid me from my illness by helping me seek a psychiatrist in Quezon City a few years back when he manages to get back to the Philippines from Malaysia years back with his new wife, Tita Poppy. I wonder what his impression of me when he learned that I confessed that I was gay, and had depression because of it, (at the time I do not accept myself for being like this, and he was the last person I told him of the confession). Frankly, I was surprised at his acceptance of my "condition", but I could not tell if it bothers him, which somehow I wish it would at that time, and how selfish I have become, destroying me with guilt whenever I made some things that could have his attention.

But nevertheless, he was very inviting for all of us, his kids, to bring us to Canada, but there is always stopping us from managing the paper works for the visa.

"I am glad that you are in your company right now." He said that too. He and my mom agreed that my situation was better than anyone else. Even I couldn't imagine what would have become of me if I was not in the company I'm working for, and doing something else. Worse, if I lose a job in a different field, what had become of me during this state of mind?

"Maybe I just got lucky that I was still in company. But I cannot say that the pandemic was a blessing in disguise as some people around me suffer from it. I cannot be happy yet with where I am now." I said to him.

He just sent a like button. Typical dad. Always say a few words to which sometimes I do not know if they have a meaning. But even though it does not have a meaning, I truly appreciate that he manages to talk to me even I chat him on Messenger out of the blue.

"How are you there, Mike? How are Riley and Cookie?" He asked.

"They're doing well. Typical for Riley that he's playing video games with the PS4, and Cookie is always studying and reporting to her advisers since she's in the student government for the first-year senior high school."

He sent another like. Sometimes it annoys me, but still. It's more than nothing. "I miss you," I said to my Dad.

"I miss you too and your siblings." My Dad said.

I sometimes wonder if I annoy him. I sometimes wonder if we keep on repeating ourselves talking about migrating to Canada. I mean, that's all I could bring up to him because it's all I had to say. How I wish that we could talk about basketball teams or some other random stuff that could continue our conversation, even just pretending that I know some of them, which I couldn't because I have no interest in basketball. However, I could not think of much except his family's well being especially my half-brother, Atticus Jr. How I wish that I could be there for him as a brother.

Although, I would like to confess that it was a long time ago when's the last time I was so happy with my Dad around. And whenever he leaves the country, I cannot remember when was the last time I said goodbye at the airport. Or maybe I just have forgotten. It's fucking funny though that I tend to forget some events of my life, and I am only 23 years old this April.

I do my best though every day to remember all the great things that my dad and my siblings have encountered with him, and I just do not want to remember him just a passing fancy of giving gifts that we ask from him. It makes me feel like a parasite.

In this chapter, I have forgiven my dad for all the sins he made to us. To Riley, to Cookie, and especially to me and my mother, and all I want to remember are the good days with my dad when I was a child even before everything has happened with our family and especially the aftermath.

I confess though that most of the nights, I move around the bed, remembering the horrors of the past, like a devil speaking horrendous words just straight my ears, and I tell and pray to God for myself not to live in it anymore. I want to forget, and I want to forgive. Yet my mind is weak to forget what has been done before, but I have forgiven him for so long because I do not want to live in hate. I want to live joyously and have the best moments with him if given the chance to go to Canada to live with him at all.

"Do you like to live in Canada?" He asks me this numerous times. With that opportunity, of course, I would say yes. But I couldn't decide fully as it is a half-hearted decision. I could not say no because it might hurt him.

"I have to think about it carefully, Dad," I replied. "I have much paper works to manage, and I have a little amount to sustain myself when I would go there." I continued.

He says that it's non-sense to save an amount because he volunteered to cover the cost of visa payments, airline tickets, and such. All I have to do is to say yes.

(I have told this arrangement to some of my friends, and they supported me all the way if I will decide.)

Funny though, we are talking about me migrating when almost all of the countries around the world have closed the borders for international tourists because of the pandemic. But the truth is, I talk to my dad about this because it makes me sane and happy that I talk to him.

"If you need help with the managing of the paper works, just text me." My Dad said.

"Thank you."

Then at night, while I was preparing for another disaster day of work (it's an exaggeration but I hope you know what I mean), I dreamed of the fantasy living with my Dad in Canada along with my half-brother.

And even it is just fantasy, I enjoy seeing it in my head, ignoring the dark shadows. I am glad that my Dad still exists to keep myself sane.