Snake Eater

I give up.

There's nothing else to be said here. I give up. I'm done trying to please everyone. I've tried my best, I've tried to learn what they were trying to teach me, include my teammates in what I'm doing, just trying to get through to some actual independence and what do I get?

Shafted.

A charisma success told me they weren't going to promote me because I didn't report a non-problem. That's it. That's all it takes to ruin everything. After all of my capabilities, everything I'm going to show off, it won't matter because I didn't decide to report a non-problem. Because that's what Orochimaru is – a non-problem. Everything he does I do better. His opening move against me was to summon The Snake Boss and I had a counter ready.

Not my problem their network of informants isn't very good.

Just…I'm just done. I honestly don't see the point in trying anymore. Because there isn't a point until either they understand that I'm so thoroughly above them that threats to them aren't threats to me or I've got the charisma to actually see what the problem is and fix it. Enough charisma to make people solvable equations.

So fine.

They're worried about Orochimaru?

I'll take care of him. I'm going to bring them the head of the snake.

Then go through the exam to finish the quest.

But after that?

I'm done.

I'm leaving.

Trying to fit everyone's wants and desires has brought me nothing but pain and misery. Heck, the only people who haven't caused me problems are Naruto and technically Ino. Ino. Her book club only got borked because people started poking their noses in to where they don't belong.

Maybe I'll come back after having fixed the charisma problem but I'm not doing missions for them anymore. What are they going to do? They can't stop me from leaving and they can't make me do missions for them.

I'm basically untouchable.

Quest Added: Snake Eater.

Find and Kill Orochimaru.

(Optional): Kill the Sound Four.

Sound Four? Oh, right. His bodyguards. Fun.

So here I stood in the hotel lobby at the break of dawn. A clone on my bed to make sure they don't suspect anything. If it flubs the lie, it doesn't matter. They can try to stop me if they want. They'll fail. I brought the goggles down over my eyes and with a series of hand signs went invisible. Now let's move.

A hop, skip and a jump and I was flying over the sand village. First thing is first, how to find them? Easy? No. Not necessarily easy. I mean, if I had quest markers, this would be a piece of cake but I don't so I'll need to use the next best thing.

In one of my jutsu inventing sprees, I went ahead and improved on the echolocation jutsu I figured out – now it not only pings off of people, buildings, etc. But it's also subtle enough to be almost undetectable and it returns the specifics of chakra signatures that it collides with. I just need to feed it most of my chakra and it'll cover the entire desert.

The only people I think will be able to tell I activated this jutsu will be the Hokage, the Kazekage, maybe Kakashi and, unfortunately, Orochimaru. But it's not like he'll be able to get away, I just won't have the element of surprise unless he doesn't understand the chakra-pulse that just went off. He probably will, but it's a possibility.

Besides, I prefer a straight fight.

Radar.

The sheer number of signatures left behind in the village was almost staggering. There were just a lot of powerful shinobi there and I almost wanted to just jet back to Konoha really quick and seeing how they compared. I didn't have a good idea, since I came up with this variation in my vault, far away and isolated from the village.

Focus.

Gaara's off in the Dunes of Blood, doing whoever knows what and…Orochimaru's just on the edge of the jutsu, likely taking off. He had five signatures with him, which was interesting. Whatever, I had my heading, so I took off like an invisible rocket through the sky.

Sometimes flying was fun, such as when I soared through the dunes and plateaus that dotted the desert and maneuvered over these environs; it brought a smile to my face. I think flying got boring because I was just flying in the clouds all the time and it got boring. Variety is the spice of life – they took off running. Of course they did.

The spot that I had calculated to be their position from the ping I had received was barren, empty. Let's see if I can see where they went, I don't want to set off another ping.

Eagle Eyes.

With what was the jutsu equivalent of high-powered binoculars active, I moved straight up into the sky and looked around for a small group moving itself across the sand. After a few moments of searching, I found them. They weren't kicking up a large dust-cloud like I was expecting, but they were a group of shinobi running as fast as they could in one direction – away. I recognized Orochimaru's bow tied around his waist which got me wondering 'what's the point of that thing?' and I flew after them.

Let's take a stab at what would they all be doing this far out in the desert. Uh…I don't know. Meeting of some kind? Well, who were they meeting? I don't know. The Kazekage? Maybe? Wasn't he an agent of Orochimaru's at some point? Wait, but Orochimaru killed him and impersonated him so maybe not.

Kabuto?

Whatever, they're getting away.

I flew after them, landing on the sand and continued to slide. I pulled my gun out of it's holster and took aim. I remembered that the big guy drained chakra which was really, really bad for me – the last guy I fought that drained chakra came the closest anyone has ever come to killing me ever and every defensive measure I've got heavily depends on my chakra levels.

One headshot, blood sprayed on the sand. He's still moving, so I put another one in his head. Instant death.

+600 EXP.

Geeze, he was tough.

With him down, the group span into defensive positions which was fine with me. One shot, two, then three. The sand was coated with grey-matter and blood.

+600 EXP.

+600 EXP.

+600 EXP.

Quest Updated: Snake Eater.

Find and Kill Orochimaru.

Completed: (Optional): Kill the Sound Four.

Quest Updated: The Chunin Exams.

Complete Phase 3.

Failed: (Optional): Don't kill anyone during the exams.

Whatever. For 2400 EXP I'll consider it worth it. 7,300 EXP until Level 26 and honestly at the rate I get EXP I could have Almost Perfect tomorrow. If, you know…I wasn't simultaneously terrified of it and demanding it in my life right now.

Focus.

For courtesy's sake, I reappeared in front of Orochimaru, about ten feet away from him. "Hello, Snake."

"Well, Shimoda-kun," He hissed out with a smile. "What can I do for you today?"

That's probably a clone. I'm going to treat it as a clone, anyway. "I want your head on a platter."

He tsked. "How gruesome. I'm afraid your delusions of grandeur have lead you to a fight you can't win."

"Oh, I hope you're tough," I said, rolling my shoulders. "Walking all over scrubs in this exam has been boring."

He raised an eyebrow. Then he laughed. "You're going to regret your actions today, whelp."

That's a comment on my current size, not my age. That's a comment on my current size, not my age. That's a comment on my current size, not my age.

"I was going to offer you a chance to come alive," I snarled. "But I've decided against it. This fight is to the death."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far," Orochimaru replied with a glint in his eye. "There's many other ways this fight can end."

Charisma Check Success: 4/4.

…you know, it just occurred to me that if Orochimaru did use a clone, this would be the clone and he'd be running somewhere else. But there's no way he thinks I can beat him, right?

Charisma Check Failure: 4/6.

Let's say he did. First things first, pop the clone. I quickly extend pistol, wondered why he looked confused and blew his brains out. 'Orochimaru' dissolved into a puddle of mud and I groaned in irritation.

A few hand-signs later, I stomped on the ground.

Toph's Sight.

Felt only fitting to have an earth jutsu named after my favorite earth user in all of media. The chakra surged through the Earth and I quickly learned that Orochimaru had indeed burrowed into the sand and made a clone to come up behind me. He made two more clones, but I was distracted by the plume of sand that shot up and I whirled around and rammed my fist into his open, fanged mouth, causing the clone to immediately dissipate into lightning which promptly engulfed me.

-33 HP.

Ninjutsu partially absorbed.

Well, my chakra-defense network does work on Ninjutsu and the seal which redirects physical impacts to my indestructible skeleton didn't do anything because this isn't something that does physical damage. Alright, good to know. Let's take a gulp of Nutriwater and get that HP back.

+50 HP.

Back to full. Nice.

Anyway, he's resorted to lightning clones because the lightning armor's given me such a speed buff that he can't get an attack in edgewise. Which means he's going to resort to some other tactic. The other two clones were rushing up the sand, but away from me. He'll likely try to pelt me with ranged attacks and dodge when he sees me prepare jutsu of my own to counter. That sort of scenario is part of why my pistol is so handy. Wait, where's the original going?

Oh no you don't.

I dove into the sand right as the clones surfaced, setting the area above me on fire. He actually turned to look in my direction as I followed. I couldn't read his expression but I seriously doubt he was happy. He took a breath and the dirt in front of me turned to lava. Promptly, I dove beneath the hazard and then chase him back to the surface.

The sand flew off around me as I shot out of the sand like a missile.

"You actually came alone," Orochimaru shook his head in amusement as I took aim and blew his head off. A puff of smoke and it was just a log. Figures. "I heard you were foolhardy, but I thought this beyond you."

"I handle my own problems," I replied with a raised eyebrow, letting out another burst of chakra to find the hidden source of the voice. "Unlike someone else I can name."

"Ah, so you came without telling the Hokage?" Orochimaru asked, sounding downright gleeful. "Very brave of you."

"Some would say stupid," I said, making multiple hand-signs. Stonehenge.

Orochimaru leapt high into the air, having been henge'd into a clump of sand, barely dodging the mounds of rock that had sprung up to engulf him. Suddenly, my feet felt cold and wet as I started to sink into the sand below. I looked before and saw that he had turned the sand into mud.

Ninjutsu Partially Absorbed.

Ahead, a wave of mud emerged like a Tsunami and I immediately rocketed above, flying over the wave and coming down behind it as if I jumped – I didn't want him know that I was flying everywhere. On my descent, a trio of purple splotches hit me in the chest.

Poison Filtered.

My chakra took a hit there, coming to two-thirds of a bar. Thanks to my seal, the balls of toxin dissolved into a fine mist soon after, which meant that my filter wouldn't have to keep filtering it as it stuck to my clothes. By design, of course.

Genjutsu Absorbed.

And I'm back to full. Fun!

Perception Check Success: 8/8.

He was down on the sand and I took aim and fired with my pistol. He started running, leaving my shots to kick up spots of the mud around us. Then ahead, a large plume of smoke immediately showed up and there was the giant snake. Again.

Summoning Jutsu.

"I hope you're ready for round two," The Emperor, thankfully, caught sight of Manda immediately – I didn't want to have to go through the awkwardness of 'where's the snake' and 'Daisuke, this violates our agreement'. We're just going to get right to the Kaiju fight. "I have no tolerance for cowards."

"I will have your legs for drumsticks, bird," Manda snarled angrily. Large, twin streams of poison shout out of it's mouth and he burrowed into the sand.

"By my decree, you shall be served to my subjects with the finest garnishments," The Emperor said before falling onto his back to slide after him. The Emperor's beak was open and the muscles around his face were pulled taught in the approximation of a slasher smile. Kind of scary and funny at the same time.

As the two boss-summons chased each other off, I rolled my shoulders. Orochimaru can't run and he can't clone-spam. He doesn't have the chakra for it. At least I don't think he does. So, the only thing there is here is fight. Fight, fight, fight.

Let's hope these tactic's lessons were worth the trouble.

Orochimaru sent out a clone, then another, hanging back. Several hand-signs later, a giant, blue fireball was screeching its way through the air toward me. I slid to the right, the explosion of the fireball hitting the sand was deafening. At very least a 'rest in peace headphones' sound. I might've absorbed part of the jutsu, but I still would've taken quite a bit of damage; down to a quarter health at the very least.

I took aim at the Orochimaru who shot the fireball and fired off a shot. It dissolved into a puddle of mud. I shot one of the others and it fizzled out into sparks of electricity. The final one came into melee range. I punched it and it exploded into my face.

Ninjutsu partially absorbed.

-87 HP.

Gulp, gulp.

+50 HP.

+50 HP.

Now where'd he go?

Perception Check Success: 8/8.

Agility Check Success: 7/7.

You know, I wonder how many times I'd be dead over if ties didn't go my way.

I immediately jumped into the air, successfully avoiding a swarm of small snakes that erupted out of the sand below me. While I seriously doubt that they're tiny fangs would be enough to pierce my skin to deliver their venom, I was pretty sure they'd manage to whittle my chakra down with repeated attempts until I had none and then I'd be a sitting duck.

Smoke-screen.

The snakes slowly burned to death under the embers of my jutsu and while that was good for me (why no EXP?), the smoke is what I actually wanted. If Orochimaru had some way of seeing through obstructions like that, it might give me – wait, I can't normally sense chakra like that.

Aside from glaringly obvious examples like the Kyuubi or Killing Intent, I'm blind. Crap.

…after I get the Wind Element and getting all the combinations that I can, I'm grabbing Chakra Sense at level 28. Too useful at this point, I'm finding that I hate being snuck away from. "What's wrong, Orochi? Getting tired?"

Charisma Check Failed: 4/10.

Is that seriously the best that I can do? Come on, I can think of something wittier than that!

"Or are you just running out of snakes?" I asked, taking a breath to recover from how cringy that line was.

Charisma Check Failed: Success not possible.

Shut up, game.

"Hardly," Was he snarling with a smile as he said that, or was he just snarling? "I'm just fabulously impressed with how durable you are."

"The last guy as impressed as you was blown all over a hotel lobby," I said, letting out another pulse when suddenly, my heart almost stopped.

My clone was popped.

Jump up, dodge a fireball.

Crap.

It was training with Hisako and Nichiren, two on one. Nichiren tied it down with wire and Hisako popped it with a kunai on accident and the clone was trying to conserve Chakra and…crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. Sensei is going to kill me.

Well.

Whatever.

I've got a guy to kill.

I'll deal with it lat-

Ninjutsu partially absorbed.

-45 HP.

Orochimaru hit me with a lightning bolt.

Ow.

+50 HP.

And back to full health. Again.

If I didn't know better, I'd say Orochimaru can't actually do anything about me. At all.

I felt something push against my back, and my chakra was cut in half.

Poison filtered.

I wirled around, pistol at the ready and saw that Orochimaru had brought a venom-tipped sword to bare. He just barely ducked beneath my fist, then jumped over my sweeping kick, making a dozen hand-signs and breathing out a fireball. I slid to the right and only barely got clipped by it.

Ninjutsu partially absorbed.

-13 HP.

You know, I'm really glad my armor negates 85% of his damage. That plus the jutsu absorption makes it very hard to do anything about me…period.

+50 HP.

"Truly magnificent," He was sweating slightly. "Your body will be mine."

"No. I'm taking your head," I replied, blasting the obvious clone to a puddle of mud.

He cannot have gone far.

Just another ping and…oh boy. The Hokage's pretty fast for his age. This has to be over with quickly. Like right now. Just write a seal, seal away his chakra. The only problem is that I need to get in punching distance, something he's been desperately working to avoid for obvious reasons.

How does he keep making clones without me being aware of them?

Whatever, I need to start working to trap him.

I saw his current location and decided that that is the center. At my feet, I wrote an FTG seal then I ran after him, Lightning armor speeding me so fast to his location that he only made it half-way to the boarder of my designated kill-box before I jumped him, trying to hit him in the back with a kick. It impacted, but he disappeared into a plume of smoke. I made it to the other side and wrote another seal.

He had run off to my left, and I turned around and charged him, angling myself so he'll dodge back toward the center. He's getting tired, so he might be getting desperate? Maybe? I don't know.

Charisma Check Failure: 4/6.

Shut up, game.

-99 HP.

I hate lightning bolts! Well, I love lightning bolts, but only when I'm using them!

+50 HP.

+50 HP.

Get to the point, write seal. Three out of four compass-points of the circle made. Zip after him, he dodges toward my first seal, I continue on until I reach the next area. Write FTG seal. Kill box framework set.

I port to the seal closest to Orochimaru and zipped after him, letting out a trio of shots from my pistol, which he swiftly dodged. I ported to the seal he had accidentally dodged towards and continued, running after him as he whirled around to face me with wide, panicked eyes.

At least I think they were panicked.

Charisma Check Success: 4/4.

Yeah, panicked.

The Hokage was closing in. Orochimaru let out another lightning bolt, I ported out of the way, then to the seal closest to him and rushed. He dodged left, I immediately stopped my course and zipped after him, planting the seal on his chest.

He could no longer access his chakra and was bound head to toe. Unlike most of my seals, this one didn't have an obvious breaking point.

"It's over, Orochi," I said, letting out a sigh of relief. "You're done."

"You took away my chakra!" He started to look truly terrified. "You-! How could you! How dare you! I'll kill you! I'll end your-"

Chakra Knife.

I knelt down, grabbed him by his hair and severed his head. I stood, holding it out from my like Perseus who had slain the gorgon. Not because I wanted to be theatric, but because it smelled bad. Just in time, too. The Hokage and his entourage, which was him, Kakashi, Anko and a few other Jounin sensei from the village had arrived at the perimeter of the Kill Box and they could see, perfectly, what I had done.

Quest Completed: Snake Eater.

Completed: Find and Kill Orochimaru.

+2400 EXP.

4,900 more until level 26. Yay.

I opened my notebook and turned off alerts with one hand. I didn't need them right now.

They walked up, a little slowly since they undoubtedly caught my glare. The Hokage was at the front, giving a good impression of me whenever I look in the mirror – stone faced and impassive.

"Here's his head," I barked, tossing the Hokage the trophy I took, which he caught with one hand. "He's not a problem anymore. Happy?"

Hiruzen frowned. "I…yes, I am happy that he's been dealt with. Are you upset, Shimoda?"

"What gave it away, Sarutobi?" I asked with a glare. "The fact that I snuck out to deal with your non-problem or the fact that I can glare?"

Sarutobi let out a small breath through his nose. "Both. What are you upset about?"

"You weren't going to promote me," I responded, my fingers involuntarily twitching into a fist. "After everything I've done, every request I've honored, all the things I've tried to learn in spite of a biological handicap preventing me from learning it, you weren't going to promote me because I didn't think it was important to report that we got attacked by a famous not-problem."

"You not reporting a traitor's presence at the exams is a problem, Daisuke-kun," The Hokage replied, giving a slight gesture to both Kakashi and Anko to remain quiet even though I could tell that at least Anko wanted to say something. Badly.

"Does it look like a problem?" I hissed back, gesturing to the body I had left. "This was his body, by the way. Well, the one he was inhabiting. Body-jacker. You understand, right?"

"I…yes, I do," Hiruzen sighed. "And that's not the point."

"Then what is the point, Sarutobi?" I barked in response.

He looked into my eyes, then at the body. "The point is that you did not have to deal with him. He was my problem. He was Mitarashi's problem. He was your sensei's problem. Your only worry was supposed to be passing the exams. Instead, this fell into your lap. Do you know what not telling us about him looks like?"

That I knew he was going to be dealt with later eventually? That I was going to kill him anyway when the canon invasion, if it still happened? "No, what?"

"I think you do," The Hokage replied, his mouth becoming a thin line.

"That I thought he was going to be dealt with anyway? That he wasn't long for this world regardless?" I hazarded a guess…wait, Nichiren and Hisako came along? Well, I guess they're as capable as Jounin are normally. "That as far as tough enemies went he would be pretty disappointing? I've got nothing."

If there was something I had to describe this fight, it was tedious. Absolutely tedious. He just kept kiting me and it was aggravating.

"It looks like you're still trying scrape every possible fight that you possibly can," Hiruzen explained. "Is that not what you were trying to do?"

"No, actually," I frowned. "The only reason I'm out here dealing with this sorry excuse for a…for a shinobi is because you and Anko threw a fit and weren't going to promote me. I came out here and dealt with this to prove a point."

"And what point is that?" The Hokage asked.

"I don't need Konoha." Not entirely what I was going to say but it's what came out of my mouth and it's closer to the truth anyway. "I don't need a village or leadership that doesn't trust me, especially when they don't even know what I can do. I don't need a village that tries to tie me down over an issue that I can't do anything about until they cut me loose. I. Don't. Need. This. Do you understand?"

The Hokage looked at me again, then at the body. Why did Hisako look close to tears? Kakashi didn't look happy either, but it's tough to gauge when all I can see is one eye.

"I can see why you're frustrated," The Hokage began. "But if you say you don't need the village…does that mean you're leaving Konoha?"

"I'm considering it," I replied. Hisako gasped. Is she okay? I think she's going to want to punch me or something later. "I'm tired of trying to please you guys all the time. I give up. I'm done. Being missing-nin has to be better than this constant tug of war."

"You'll have hunter nin after you all the time," Nichiren piped up, looking distressed.

I gestured toward Orochimaru's corpse. "Does it look like I care?"

The Hokage looked like he was mulling things in his mouth. "Daisuke, part of the problem is that, by not telling us about a known traitor, even if you didn't consider him a problem, was around. That put every Shinobi in suna, including your teammates at serious risk of abduction or worse. Please tell me that makes sense, at least."

"Maybe," I shrugged. "But he's not a problem anymore, so it's moot."

The Hokage fell quiet. Hisako actually was crying now and…I felt bad. Kind of bad. Pretty bad. I don't like making people cry. "Would it help if I said this experience has taught me to always report if someone in the bingo book is around and might be a problem for others later?"

"Yes," The Hokage nodded. "It would help a lot."

"Well…there you go," I gestured toward him lamely. "Did you pick up his bodyguards? I kind of left their corpses behind when I went after the bigger fish."

"We didn't find them," The Hokage replied. "Daisuke, here is what I suggest. You are clearly not a Genin. None of your team are. I do not believe you have need of a Jounin sensei looking over you every second of the day – but you make some key errors that no Chunin should make. Ever. So here is what I propose."

I folded my arms.

"Following this exam, you will be promoted to Special Jounin and assigned a partner," The Hokage replied. "You will not be beholden to this partner, you will be equal. You'll take on missions that Jounin would be expected to take on and given leave to leave the village whenever you want, so long as you tell us when you're leaving and when you'll be back. Is that acceptable?"

…sure. You know what, definitely. Probably won't tell anyone when I'm going to the vault because that would mean filling out a form or whatever every freaking other day but if I need an extended vacation? That works. "Fine. That works."

"Good," The Hokage said with a sigh. "Do not make me regret this arrangement, Shimoda."

I glared. "I'll do my best. See you at the village."

"Daisuke," Kakashi spoke up for the first time. "We would really prefer it if you ran back with us. You can show us where the corpses are."

"Alright."

…all things considered, I made out like a bandit. Probably should make sure Nichiren and Hisako are okay once we get back. You know, if I really want to give my charisma room to screw me over.