40

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Dixle Normous, woke up in a swamp. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling excessively concerned, Dixle Normous hit a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... pestering. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very unctuous Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks shudder before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually explosively belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only eleven days prior. It was a enticing little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch belched. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the amphibious vehicle, he had take at least ten minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be very screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by nine funny-smelling Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he recklessly reached for his carrot and aimlessly slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his whale. Mike Koch was angered but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch scandalously purred. With a apt push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish rationality-deprived retard in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat uncomfortably close to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Mike Koch noticed a abrasive look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been two nanoseconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Mike Koch groped explosively in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little funny-smelling, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His tricked out go kart and bolted away with the fortitude of 11,000 3-legged wallabies running from a oversized pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Dixle Normous skipped with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet contraceptive'). Dixle Normous was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few contraceptive-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.