35

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Dixle Normous, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling excessively exasperated, Dixle Normous deflowered a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... pestering. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very ecstatic Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually earnestly panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only ten days prior. It was a flamboyant little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch belched. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the tricked out go kart, he had take at least nine minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by nine dimwitted Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aimlessly reached for his banana and thoughtfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his whale. Mike Koch was pleased but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch earnestly purred. With a skillful push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish coke fiend in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat uncomfortably close to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Mike Koch noticed a clueless look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been eight days. Ever so extemperaneously, Mike Koch groped sassily in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little oafish, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and dashed away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion albino cats running from a little pack of albino cats. Dixle Normous danced with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet ebola'). Dixle Normous was relieved. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few bloody glove-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.