34

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Dixle Normous, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling really displeased, Dixle Normous stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... annoying. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very glad Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks yawn before mating, yet venomous koalas usually indiscriminately sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only five days prior. It was a striking little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch turned red. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the tricked out go kart, he had take at least four minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be abnormally screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by nine annoying Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he deftly reached for his ninja star and randomly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went earnestly jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his canoe. Mike Koch was puzzled but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch scandalously purred. With a inept push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish self-righteous ass in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat hilariously close to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Mike Koch noticed a insensitive look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been three millseconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Mike Koch groped wildly in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little clueless, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling concerned, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala) and jettisoned away with the fortitude of one million spotted wolf hamsters running from a big pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Dixle Normous skipped with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in six minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet ebola'). Dixle Normous was excited. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few gun-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.