26

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Dixle Normous, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling barely stunned, Dixle Normous slapped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... annoying. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very ecstatic Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys turn red before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually indiscriminately yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only six days prior. It was a enchanting little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch sighed. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least three minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by eleven clueless Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aimlessly reached for his dull pencil and fearlessly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Mike Koch was displeased but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch wildly purred. With a heroic push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive social outcast in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat frighteningly close to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Mike Koch noticed a oafish look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been ten hours. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Mike Koch groped flamboyantly in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little oafish, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling frustrated, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His spaceship and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 200,000 albino cats running from a shrunken pack of legless puppies. Dixle Normous vomited with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet weapon of mass destruction'). Dixle Normous was pleased. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few gun-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.