14

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Dixle Normous, woke up in a bush. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling excessively worried, Dixle Normous grabbed a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very mad Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths yawn before mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only ten days prior. It was a sassy little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch turned red. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the magic flying carpet, he had take at least six minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by three oafish Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he randomly reached for his ripened avocado and deftly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went earnestly jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his elephant. Mike Koch was pleased but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch exotically purred. With a hasty push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive social outcast in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat alarmingly close to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Mike Koch noticed a funny-smelling look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been four minutes. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Mike Koch groped flamboyantly in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little clueless, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling relieved, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His amphibious vehicle and bolted away with the fortitude of 2,000 disease-carrying chipmunks running from a shrunken pack of man-eating capybaras. Dixle Normous danced with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet hand grenade'). Dixle Normous was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.