Forty-five

I fell to the floor after being pushed into a nearby cupboard. Plates and glasses fell out, shattering beside me. I hesitantly glanced up to see my father still approaching. When he finally did reach me he stood there for a while. He pulled out a very familiar slip of paper.

"And this, why have you been hiding this?" He asked, shoving the slip into my face. After reading the first few digits written on the paper I realized it was the pin to my savings. How did he get that?! I had it placed safely behind a sheet of the wall!

"Now I can finally fix this damn house." He grumbled. This made me furious since he was the one who smashed all the holes in it.

I unconsciously found myself muttering the word "no'' over and over while reaching for the slip of paper. He looked dumbfounded by my actions. I realized I'd just made another huge mistake.

"You think you have the right to defy me?" He stood up to tower over me with a threatening look. "I've already withdrawn all of the money so even if you wanted to there's no way to get it back." My heart started picking up speed even though it was already racing. This can't be happening..... The money was locked behind a pin, but it was still in my father's account so he could easily get a hold of it as long as he knew it existed.. and now he does.

"Dad, you can't-" I choked, hoping with what little luck I had left that he would return it to me, but it seems like I've been out of luck for the longest time.

"Shut up! How dare you keep this to yourself?!" He growled. I did talk back knowing it wasn't a good idea when he started to get heated. I was still looking up at him from the floor which made me feel more vulnerable.

"I bet you were planning on using this to fuck a bunch of men, weren't you?." He looked from the piece of paper to me with the evilest look eating at his face. He's being unreasonable!

"No dad!" I said desperately with my trembling voice.

"SHUT UP!" I flinched as he shouted louder this time. I'm sure the neighbors could hear it if they were home, though they wouldn't care because they do the same thing just about every night.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as he lifted me off the ground by my collar. He slammed me against the wall with intense breathing and bulged eyes. I gasped for air as his fist repeatedly connected with my stomach, I felt like I was going to puke. I was already feeling light-headed but it didn't end there. He tossed me into the wall with my head clipping the edge. Some of the shattered glass from earlier sunk into my skin. A loud whimper escaped my mouth. I trembled as blood drained from my arms and side. Just as I began to collect myself I felt a foot kicking into my bleeding side, with several more following. I dropped back onto the floor but this time I wasn't able to make a sound. All the oxygen was forced right out of my lungs.

"You still want to go against me? You still want to be defiant, huh?" He asked in a casual tone. I heard noises but couldn't see what he was doing as he was out of view. I put all my focus on regaining my breath so I could plead for mercy, I struggled on the floor, trying to gasp for air, and when I finally did I realized it was too late. He approached me again, lifting the last dining chair aside from above his head. I retreated into the nearest corner, accidentally cutting my hands on the shattered plates and glasses.

"Dad, please no. " I cried, shaking uncontrollably. He continued his approach, ignoring my pleas as I figured he would. One of the chair legs clipped the light. The sound of the small pieces of glass hitting the floor echoed across the small room.

"Look what you made me do." He sighed, turning his head to me. He's never gone this far before, so to say I was terrified was an understatement. I curled up into a ball hoping everything would seize to exist. Suddenly I was screaming in pain as the wooden chair broke over my frail body. He continued hitting me with it until it was broken into several pieces. By the time he was finished with me I was half conscious.

It's strange..... the sight of my blood never scared me this much. Whenever I put a blade at my wrist it didn't frighten me. It was a release, something that made me feel like I had control. But this.. it terrified me beyond measure. I saw the possibility of this approaching but I never thought it would happen, I hoped it would all pass and things would go back to normal... but there's no such thing as normal anymore.

There was a knock on the door. That was the only reason I knew I was still conscious. Part of me hoped it was Zhan about to storm in and save me, but I knew that wasn't a possibility, he doesn't even know where I live, and that's probably for the best.

"Yo man, what was all that noise?" Someone asked as my father opened the door.

"Hi, I was just dealing with my wretched home. It's falling apart quite fast." He snickered.

"I hear ya, same thing back at my place. Anyway, are you ready to head out?" The guy asked. I guess it was one of his drinking buddies. Like I said... I knew it wasn't a possibility.

I don't know how much time passed but I was finally able to open my eyes. Every inch of my body ached with tremendous pain. I struggled to stand. I noticed my shirt covered in bloodstains and several drops and small puddles on the floor. Once I was able to get to my feet I limped toward my room to see what had been done to it. Surely my father didn't just randomly stumble across my secret hiding area. And I was right, I got a perfect view of the.damage that had been done as I stood in the doorway of my room. The walls were smashed in, my bed was torn to pieces, and my penguin cover sat in two pieces buried under chunks of sheetrock from the wall. My night table and all of its contents were flipped over and tossed across the floor, and it was the same with all of my clothes. I felt streams of tears across my face, I hadn't even realized I started crying. My life truly is over isn't it?. I can't go on like this, there isn't anything left for me here.

I had one last wish, and that was for my final moments to be on the red bridge. That was always my quiet place. I went there whenever I needed to get away from everything. Of course, the place has memories of Zhan, that's why I haven't gone back, but now... I needed this. I didn't want my final moments to be me bleeding out on the floor of this dark, cursed house, I wanted it to be somewhere

special.

On my way out of the house, I noticed that my father stocked up on beer. I saw at least five hundred dollars worth of it. It looks like he's already begun his "important" spending spree. I felt null to it though, I didn't care anymore, it would all be over soon anyway.

The rain hit my face as I stepped out into the groggy air. I limped down the street with my head hung low, heading towards the bridge.

"Hey, you're back for round two." I heard a voice call out. I looked up to see the man from the alleyway approaching. His confident smile faded into a look of terror when he caught sight of my face. I bet I look like shit.

"Uh... let's go guys." He mumbled to the others as he stepped back.

I continued onward toward my final destination. I did my best to hold my tears in. I want to be wearing a smile during my final moments. I passed by many faces going on with their daily lives. I would've longed to be in any one of their positions, but I guess I was just born an abomination, right?

When I finally got to the red bridge the sun had pretty much already set. It normally would've been dark out but since summer

is approaching I guess the days are getting

longer.

I plodded over to the bridge, hesitant, a familiar gust of wind enveloped my soaked figure, sending chills through my body. I approached the edge. I let out a long sigh and tried to hold down the lump in my throat, but every time my eyes graced the water a slew of emotions clawed at me. My heart ached, my throat tight, my hands clammy, I was a mess. The first step towards the edge broke me. I fell to my knees and let myself go. All the pain I'd been harboring, all the sadness, it ate at me. Knowing that nobody cared enough to stick by me, knowing I had no future, no friends... no family, killed me. I was worse off mentally than I was physically, even with all the gashes and bruises over my body, it didn't compare to what I was feeling inside. My sobs echoed across the river and fell upon deaf ears. Remembering all of my painful memories a strangled cry escaped me. I held my face, catching the tears in my sliced-up palms.

Things seemed to be getting better for a while, just like they had once before, but both times went straight to hell, this time being much worse. I can't live like this anymore, I'd be better off dead. I'm sure my father and many others would agree.

This week has been awful. I gave up on trying to convince Zhan I had no part in the bullying and locker vandalism. He was stubborn to the end. He wanted nothing to do with me. He watched as the large intimidating guys held me against the wall and threatened me, he even snapped at me himself once, shoving me against the locker hard enough to bruise my back. It crushed me. That was the moment I knew to let it go. This was all Cindy's fault. I was suddenly the target of all the dangerous people in the school because I "attacked" people they cared about. I received so many beatings ever since these rumors started. No one thought twice about whether or not I was the one doing any of this. Cindy had ruined what was left of my life.

The time Cindy asked to hang out had me excited. I was happy to make a new friend. It took a great deal of effort to open myself up to other people. I thought I'd finally gotten past being let down and betrayed. I did my best to be myself around Cindy. I saw a hopeful future for us. I thought I was finally going to be happy, but the moment I let my guard down I was stabbed in the back. It felt like a large part of my life was pulled from under me when she betrayed me.

She got all of my friends to turn their backs on me, even Zhan whom I've fallen in love with. The moment I joined him on that hill I could feel my life-changing. Laying under the sky, walking through the forest, eating out past curfew, and watching the stars, were some of the best moments of my life. Things were looking up for the best. All of that means nothing now. Zhan can barely even look my way.

If I go through with this... when I go through with this Sandra will have to hire someone else to take my place. It may inconvenience her, but this is for the best.

I didn't bother writing a note, no one would miss me, so what's the point? It's not like anyone will even know I'm dead in the first place, my body will be at the bottom of the ocean by the time anyone realizes I'm missing, assuming they even notice at all.

I took one final sigh and looked to the gray sky. The atmosphere almost projected my mood perfectly, the rain drops hitting the leaves on the trees, their silent ruffling in the breeze, the chill of the air, all of it felt sad and lonely. My sobbing grew as I inched closer to the edge. If I did this there was no going back. Even though I had nothing to live for dying this way still terrified me... but in the end probably not as much as living terrified me.

I stood at the edge, ready to end it all. All my regrets, sadness, anger, emptiness. loneliness... it would all be over once I stepped off the edge.

Just as I lifted a foot I heard a voice..

"W-what the hell are you doing?!"

Zhan's Pov.

I got back from hanging out with my friends. The day was okay, school was fine, and nothing special happened. I've been down the past couple of weeks. My friends have been "trying" to cheer me up but damn I forgot just how annoying they can be. It's been a few weeks since we lost the game, but I still feel it eating at me, I still feel uneasy.

I opened up the front door to be welcomed by a wonderful smell. Mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner. I wanted nothing more than to eat in my room and sleep the rest of the night.

"Oh you're home!" Mom said, running out of the kitchen still holding her greasy spatula. She hugged me and pulled me into the kitchen, insisting I help her with dinner.

"Mom, I'm tired." I sighed hoping she'd let me go. She was oddly silent for a moment. "I've noticed you've been more down than usual..... is this about that Yibo kid?" She asked in a caring tone.

"None of your business." I sighed, trying not to think about him. The more I did the heavier my heart felt, I didn't need that right now.

When we finally finished dinner dad and Xichen came down to eat. I didn't bother taking dinner to my room, it didn't seem necessary since I was already downstairs and we were all eating together. Xichen started joining us some time ago. We've all been doing our best to make him feel included. like we should have been from the start. He seems much happier now, and we can even have a decent conversation without him exploding in my face. He's still very hot-headed and aggressive but not as much as he used to be. To be honest this was all thanks to Yibo. I don't know if it was intentional but at least one good thing came out of all this chaos.

After finishing dinner I trudged myself to my room but was stopped by Xichen before I reached the stairs.

"Zhan, we have to talk." He insisted, wearing a serious look.

"Is this about Yibo?" I sighed, looking back at him. Xichen has been trying to convince me that Yibo is innocent for the past few weeks, but all the evidence he's provided doesn't compare to what Cindy showed me.

"Dude, I'm telling you he's not behind all of this madness. He's been looking really down lately, I don't think this is weighing on him wel-" He tried to convince but I interjected.

"How do you know it isn't all just an act?"

"How do you know Cindy isn't lying about all this?" Xichen argued.

"I've known her much longer than I have Yibo, plus I don't see how she could be faking all of this." I explained.

"Yibo's done so much for me... and I don't think all of this was just some "ploy". He's been a really good friend to me, even after all of this went down. He's shown no sign of suspicion and doesn't try to force me to get others to believe he's innocent. I can clearly see he's hurting. I want to do something about it but I don't think it'll ever be over until you two make things right. Just try talking with him and make a judgment yourself instead of being fed by some phony." Xichen fused, with his words growing louder with every sentence. Xichen is right though, I've been turning a blind eye... I should speak to Yibo as I planned. I know this could be an absurd misunderstanding between everyone, I doubt that's likely, but I've been too afraid to take a chance, so what if I end up getting hurt in the end, it's better having closure than being stuck running in a loop all of the time. I'm afraid I might attack Yibo if he is indeed lying about this, but I guess I just have to try my best to keep hold over my emotions, and if I can't then so be it.

Even though I was tired I left the house to clear my head. We ate pretty early so there was still a bit of light out. I got the idea to visit the bridge Yibo showed me awhile back, I find it's the best place to clear my head. I've been coming here a lot so the directions are sort of engraved on my brain. I just hope to the stars I don't run into him on my way there, I'm not ready to face him, I don't even know what I would say to him.

I got in my car and drove off towards the bridge. It was really pouring out. I was suddenly regretting not bringing an umbrella. I won't be there too long so I guess it doesn't matter, I could just find a tree to sit under or something. When I finally reached the location I pulled off to the side of the road and locked my car. I pulled my jacket over my head to guard me against the oncoming rain as I jogged off towards a tree. It was very gloomy out, but also quite peaceful, which was what I was hoping for. As I was walking I heard a noise, it sounded like sobbing.