Matters Of The Heart (chapter 2)

Nathan shuffled his way into the old barn, kicking the hay around with the toes of his brown Mountie boots and slowly guiding Newton into his stall. He started to remove the saddle, carefully unlatching the buckles and removing the added weight from Newton's back. The horse let out a little snort of thank you and Nathan gave him a quick pat on the back before placing a bucket of water in front of him. He grabbed the brush from the shelf and began evenly stroking it across Newton's back in a rhythmic motion.

The short methodical strokes against the horse's flesh were therapeutic not only for Newton, but for the calming of Nathan's soul as well. With each stroke he was slowly able to release some of the frustration and shock. He closed his eyes and the images of the morning came back to him.

He didn't understand what had gone wrong. He had been so close to getting Jenny to turn over the gun to him, he never thought she would actually shoot it. He could read the uncertainty in her eyes and he had been convinced that he could talk her out of it. He almost had his hand on the barrel of the shotgun when he heard Bill's voice speak, but everything happened so fast that he didn't even hear his words. The next thing he knew he had seen the frightened look escape Jenny's eyes and the barrel of the gun swiftly shift direction. He reacted at what he thought was lightening speed and grabbed the barrel, but he knew it was too late when he felt the heat of the bullet thrust its way through the end of the shotgun.

For one split second two faces had flashed across his face, Allie and Elizabeth and then he suddenly realized that the gun was firmly in the grip of his right hand with Jenny standing in front of him in a complete stupor. He was alive, he had then reached over with his other hand and had grabbed Jenny by the arm, turning to lead her to the back of the wagon and place her in it with her brother. He had stopped short of doing so though when he looked up to see the young Mountie slumped over in the drivers seat with a bullet hole through his red serge, blood dripping down the front of his tunic and onto the pristine buttons. He could tell from where the young Mountie had been shot that he probably wasn't going to make it. Everything else after that had been a big blur and the next thing he knew he was back in Hope Valley holding a trembling Elizabeth in his arms.

'Elizabeth,' he breathed her name in his head, even through the foggy haze of his mind he could see the look of fear and horror in her cool blue eyes, devoid of their normal sparkle. Under normal circumstances he would have been overjoyed and elated to feel the warmth of her body against his, but she had been trembling and he knew she had been reliving those same feelings of fear, trepidation, and pure agony that she had felt upon Jack's death. He was certain of only one thing, that he loved her, but it was because of that love for her that he wondered if he had any right at all to potentially put her through that kind of pain again.

He had almost died out there and his actions may have caused the death of a colleague and a brother. It should have been him who had died and not that young, fresh out of the academy, twenty year old kid. He tried not to think about how the young man's parents would soon be notified of the earth shattering news that there son and died valiantly in the line of duty.

He sighed heavily as hot tears stung at his eyes again, no, he could not ask Elizabeth to spend the rest of her life living in fear every time he had to travel out of town. It wouldn't be fair to her to ask her to do that. He knew what he had to do, he had to give her up to Lucas. As much as that hurt and tore at his heart, he knew it was the right and safe choice for Elizabeth.

He turned the brush in his hand slowly examining the coarse bristles on it and then placed it back on the shelf of the barn, wondering how something so rough could feel so right to the animal standing in front of him. He took a deep breath and walked over to the saloon. When he came to the outside doors he didn't even hesitate before walking in, afraid that if he did he might lose his courage to do so. His eyes combed over the room until he spotted Lucas standing behind the bar staring at him with a look of disappointment on his face and maybe even something else that he could not identify.

He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and walked towards the bar.

Lucas grabbed the bar with his hands, looking down and back up again at Nathan, teeth slightly clenched together, "What can I do for you Constable?"

"Can we talk...privately?"

Lucas waved his hand in the air, his curiosity peaked. Was he here to tell him to stay away from Elizabeth? "Sure, right this way."

They both sat down across from each other at a table that was secluded in the corner. Nathan spoke softly and never once looked Lucas in the eyes, choosing instead to focus on a dark colored stain on the table top, "I'm going to back down."

Lucas' eyebrows shot up, "Excuse me," he wasn't sure if he had heard him correctly.

Nathan repeated himself, "I'm backing down, away from Elizabeth. I can't do that to her again, she deserves better than to have someone who she could possibly lose. I don't want to put her through that agony and pain a second time."

Lucas cocked his head as if in deep thought and studied the man sitting in front of him. "You would do that for her?"

Nathan's head shot up and looked at Lucas straight in the eyes. Lucas could see the sadness that was dripping in them. The man looked empty inside, "Yes," he simply answered.

Lucas slowly shook his head in understanding, "I see."

Nathan swallowed back the tears that were threatening to fall for the millionth time that day. "Take care of her, Lucas." With those words he stood and turned towards the door. Lucas watched as Nathan's slouching, deflated frame went out the door of the saloon.