A Datte Conversationalist

Shoutout to Yaya Franklin, David Velazquez, Bowzer, Tronic42, and Vulcan Novels for support!

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A/N: As fun as it is to bash Danzo for everything. I just had this new—if I'm allowed to brag—intriguing theory about the Senju Clan and why they 'disappeared.' It might also shed some au light on other characters like Jiraiya, Minato, Kakashi, Dan, and more. So, I'm doing things differently from the OG FGN, where Danzo wanted all the smoke by targeting Uzumaki, Senju, Uchiha, Orochi, and the MC.

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Hentai Shinobi Rule 6: Peach is peach.

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Kai's fingers and thumbs expertly dug into Mito's flesh as she enjoyed a hearty meal alongside the massage—all credits to Kai. There was profound peace around them as Mito's feet were where Kai could be free from Kushina—even if it were temporary. He didn't think about anything and let his gaze wander the vast emptiness. Kai loved the grind but understood that rest was indispensable. So, he enjoyed these moments in his life the most.

"Kushina tells me you're doing amazing in the Academy," Mito began with a satisfactory exhale. "I pity your sparring partners if your improvement in cooking is anything to go by."

"It's the secret ingredient, Mito-sama," Kai snickered.

"Love?" Mito smiled.

"CSG," Kai giggled, making Mito shake her head. She found the boy more and more adorable.

"Barf!"

"So? How are your studies—if you don't mind me inquiring?" Mito looked at the boy.

"It's fun," Kai perked up. "Training alone is okay. But it's more enjoyable to beat a few kids here and there who try picking on Kushina just because of her hair. Say, Mito-sama. Can't you… order her to shave her head?"

Mito rolled her eyes, already aware of their childish feud. "Maybe," the old woman smiled kindly. "But do you want to make Kushina cry?"

Kai stared at the woman before clicking his teeth and focusing on her feet.

"Kai," Mito began idly. She had her reasons, but Mito occasionally talked about the village's affairs with the boy and asked for his opinion. One part of it was that Kai held a fascinating outlook. The other part was…

"Do you know about the Senju Clan?"

"A little," Kai smiled. "But most texts in the academy scrolls are vague. Small families and clans shared some origins with the Senju Clan. But the rest is unclear."

Mito nodded slowly. "It's to be expected. Tobirama created the academy primarily to train Genins. Ah, I remember how much of a success it was. The academy produced over 2000 genins within five years after the first batch of 36 genins, including your Third Hokage. This number almost scared other villages to death before they adopted familiar reforms."

The old woman shook her head. "Hmm, where were we?"

"The Senju Clan," Kai smiled as his fingers threaded her toes.

"Right," clarity returned to Mito's dim gaze. "The Senju Clan was always intriguing, not because of their deep, generational grudges against the Uchiha Clan. How should I put it? You see, dear. Clans like the Uchiha are connected by their bloodline and have separate families. There are the civilian side and the shinobi side. In some cases, we see the division of shinobi into main and branch houses, like the Hyuga Clan. But the Senju Clan… it had different families as their members."

Kai tilted his head. "How is it different from other clans?"

"The Senju Clan welcomed other families," Mito smiled. "The clan with a thousand skills—Senju—got its name due to several factors. One part of the reason was the several ingenious jutsus contributed to the single Senju name to survive the Uchiha's clan influence during the warring states era, and the other part was my brother-in-law concocting different ways to counter the Sharingan's fearsome abilities."

"Ah," Kai suddenly nodded. "So, families like Namikaze, Kato, and others allied with the Senju to survive that period."

"It wasn't an alliance," Mito shook her head. "It is said that the Senju's Ancestor had a profound empathy for others and would help everyone before welcoming them into his fold. It is still unclear why the Uchiha's ancestor would hold a grudge against the Senju."

"So, the Senju weren't related by blood but by cause," Kai concluded, much to Mito's satisfaction.

"Indeed. If we have to be sticklers about the bloodline, then only Hashirama and his family seem to be the blood descendants of that ancestor. He also shared the ancestor's benevolence. The first thing he did after founding Konoha was to rid others from the Senju's umbrella."

Kai blinked in surprise as Mito questioned, "Can you guess why?"

The boy's fingers paused between Mito's toes as he puckered his lips. Surprisingly, Kai could put himself in the Legendary First Hokage's slippers before understanding why.

"The Uchiha and the Senju ended the war," he issued in a low tone. "The cause of Senju's creation ended. Instead, the entire village became the First Hokage's family."

Mito surprisingly scoffed. "Hah!" she rolled her eyes. "Everybody thought that—even me. Oh. I was so innocent back then, unaware of the deceptions of men. Sure, I broke a few. But I tell you, men, even someone as honest as Hashi, can be deceiving!"

Kai blinked as Mito shook her head. "Never mind," she exhaled before nodding at Kai with an approving smirk. "But you got it right. The influence of Uchiha and the Senju attracted the Sarutobi, Shimura, Nara, Yamanaka, Akimich, and others. So, the Senju Clan represented Konoha for a few decades. What do you think, Kai-kun? Did Hashirama Senju choose wisely?"

"Marrying you?"

"I can still break a few more men, cheeky brat," Mito scoffed.

Kai smirked as he exhaled. "I don't know, Mito-sama. Besides, Hashirama Senju and others are no more. If something does bother me… I can change it to my liking."

Mito appeared intrigued as she gestured with a nudge of her chin for Kai to continue.

"I believe blaming others doesn't take any effort. The First Hokage… was a human, no? Sure, he was called the God of Shinobi. But that's just a title. How will anyone ever reach that stage if all they do is put it on a pedestal? It's like Teuchi's situation."

"Teuchi?" Mito blinked, unfamiliar with the name.

"Ah," Kai smiled. "The Ichiraku Ramen's owner. He's a few years older than Kushina and me and has always wanted to make the best ramen. He told us how others laughed at him. However, Teuchi said something amazing the other day." Kai giggled, sincerely happy. "He said—I was tired of dreaming for things, so I woke up. Isn't that cool? No wonder that dog already has a girlfriend."

Mito was impressed by Kai's thinking process and finesse when comparing the First Hokage with a ramen stall owner.

"So, dear. You want to be the Hokage?"

"Eh? Why?" Kai blinked. "I just like training and stuff."

"Kai," Mito frowned. "Don't you have any goals, child?" She wouldn't know what to do if someone as talented as Kai had no path.

"Well…" Kai looked lost again. Project COCKage was reduced to dust before he even took the first step. He didn't think about any lasting goals either. Of course, Kai understood that goals don't need to be over the top. It was just understanding what he wanted from his life.

"What are the things you like, child?" Mito knew this look all too well and sought to help him.

"Training, good food, warm clothes, my bed… I guess Kushina is tolerable," Kai huffed. "I also like helping you and walking to the roof with you. Hmm. I've yet to train with Minato, but he seemed cool. And…" He recalled something as his cheeks flushed. He can't possibly be disrespectful to Mito, of all people, by claiming he'd like to witness her granddaughter's jugs, right?

"Hmm? Oh, dear. Is it Tsunade?" Mito teased.

"Huh? Kushina snitched?" Kai scowled.

"No, boy. You weren't discreet the first few times Tsunade dropped by," Mito chuckled as Kai rolled his eyes.

"Fine," he puffed. "So, what? I like women. I'll probably be like those nobles and make a harem."

Mito stalled as Kai continued rubbing her feet.

The woman wondered if she should let him know the sheer dangers of having more than one kunoichi in his life… but…

But…

"Pfft! Hahahaha!" It was rare for Mito to feel like that as she laughed out loud for once, clutching her stomach. Ah, what a feeling it was to live like this.

Naturally, Kai gave the woman the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

'I'm just gonna bag a top-tier harem because you laughed!' His pettiness knew no bounds.

<<<>>>

She entered the academy with one conviction—to be at the top. That's how she would take her mother's place as the next matriarch. But there have been disturbing talks in the academy. A genius, they call him. The Wonder Boy.

Tsume knew their reasoning. Apparently, the civilian kid lived in the building a few doors beside the academy—the Uzumaki residence. However, he never trained until a few weeks ago and left several children from the clan in the dust. That was unacceptable. She was the proud heiress of the Inuzuka Clan. She'd eventually lead her pack. And that boy did not leave her in the dust! Surely…

Undoubtedly, someone pulled the strings behind the scenes. Why would a newbie start in the last year? He was only two years older than her. Logic dictated that he be in the first year like the rest.

So, with one pup snugly fit within the gap of her jacket, Tsume set out of the classroom in the recess to take the first step in taming the academy and be the alpha. She already knew how to fight and expected to beat the boy. He was nothing but a—

"Alpha," Tsume reverently barked, getting down on one knee and lowering her head. Her eyes had been opened. No wonder he had two bitches by his side. He was the Alpha. She just never knew about it until today.

<<<>>>

Watching a defeated bully take a knee and hyping him as an Alpha wasn't something Kai had on his checklist. But it was a curious sensation. Of course, Kai knew about the Inuzuka Clan and their pack mentality. However, he expected it to remain within their clan. He was wrong.

But… someone calling him NOT 'Chan' tickled his brain. Ignoring the incredulous looks of the cheek-mauling devils, Kai crossed his arms and instructed. "Raise your head."

The girl did, allowing Kai to get a good look at her. Like other Inuzuka clansmen, the girl named Tsume had face paint on her cheeks in the form of two red fangs. Her brown hair grew unchecked and untamed, spiky all around. Like several members of her clan, Tsume sported bestial, vertical pupils. The cutest thing about the girl was the young ninken secured into her jacket that Kai left unharmed during the bout.

As if understanding his intent, the girl raises her head further, preening at the attention.

"You can call me Alpha," Kai allowed graciously. The corner of his lips tugged as Tsume yelped. "Thank you, Alpha!"

"Hn," Kai nodded. "Now leave. Spread my good name."

"Yes!" Tsume rushed away with that as Kai turned to look at the dumbfounded duo.

"See?" Kai frowned and reprimanded the girls. "Learn to be more respectful to me. From now on, you are only allowed to pinch my cheeks after a week's notice."

Kushina and Mikoto glanced at each other before suddenly pulling Kai into their folds. His cheeks… were never the same.

And Kai hated his new name… Alpha-chan…

Fuck.

<<<>>>

It was already May's end, and Kai concluded one of his more lasting skills, expecting its evolution to be just as fun and fulfilling.

[Novice Cook (E) (10/10): In the words of every Uchiha burn victim—let him cook. It's an information-granting skill that offers precise methods of identifying, processing, and cooking various fruits and vegetables. It also offers several easy recipes to cook.

Skill Tree Evolution: Noble Cook (D) (0/25)]

[Expended 2 SP.]

[Noble Cook (D) (0/25): Only experience and knowledge sets a novice from Noble's cook. Yet, these dishes only satiate the tastebuds. Stand tall, you can cook. It's an information-granting skill that offers hundreds of recipes and bits about unique reactions between several ingredients to bestow heaven upon the tongue.

Next Level: Cook 0/120 different dishes Or 2 SP.

Skill Tree Evolution: Master Ch(i)ef (C) (0/50)]

[Master Ch(i)ef (C) (0/50) (Locked)

Unlocking Conditions: 5 SP, 150 Chakra, 100 Perception, Mastered Skill: Noble Cook (D).]

"Hoh?" Jiten sipped the broth with praise in his dim gaze. "You cooked this?"

"If there isn't literally anyone else in the kitchen," Kai looked at the empty unit. "I guess I did."

"Peh," Jiten scoffed. "No need to be sassy. It's just a wonder you learned so well in a month. Hmph, I suppose I'm a better teacher than a cook."

Kai rolled his eyes and leaned against the counter. "So? Can I get some serious work? I want to try making food from scratch."

Jiten momentarily considered before nodding. He grumbled, "No point in not letting you shine where you belong, Maid-chan. But no deep frying or other oil stuff for now. I don't want you getting shit in your eyes accidentally. At least grow three feet taller than the wok on the stove!"

Kai nodded without complaints. It was a logical and considerate decision from the old cook. The man was looking after him. Why would Kai have any issues—

"Maid-chan?" He blinked.

"Ah!" Jiten rubbed his head. "You've got many names 'round here, brat. What was it this time? Alpha-chan?"

Kushina, you sweet, stupid whore!

<<<>>>

Mito spent several idle moments across the few weeks thinking about Kai's answers. She often asked him about unrelated things, but all her questions had some connections. Her topics ranged from his interest in political matters to dreams, his take on power, and the nature of chakra. Others may call her crazy, but Mito believed that one's take on chakra predicted their future career options.

For instance, one of her most notable memories was of a white-haired youth with three spots of red face paint. The surviving Senju sibling was a talent, unlike his brother. Calling Hashirama a talent would be spitting on the divine capabilities he possessed. Hashirama… he felt transcendent in the matters of battle. But she also found Tobirama more intriguing of the duo.

"Chakra? It's an adequate tool. Those damn Uchiha let their tool rule their minds. Meanwhile, I take chakra for what it is—mine to be used."

Mito scoffed at the recollection. But Tobirama's words weren't baseless. His mark on the shinobi-kind wasn't as continental as the formation of the Shinobi Villages, but the man singlehandedly revolutionized the profession. However…

When was the last time Mito heard an answer so simple and so… dangerous?

If something does bother me… I can change it to my liking.

It wouldn't be wrong to say that tyrants thought the same.

'Did he even wonder the kind of strength he needed to make such words a reality?' Mito looked at her ceiling. Thinking about his talent and the attention his swift progress garnered, Mito shook her head. The boy must have some clue as to what he was talking about. But Mito wasn't afraid of these sentiments.

It's not like Kai obsessed over another guy even after his target of affection married another and tried getting attention by unleashing a bijuu on the village.

Kai liked the simplest things—tits and food. Sure, a younger version of herself would itch to beat the perversion out of the brat… but the older and wiser Mito knew better. He would make a good husband unless he catches some weird kinks, primarily where he doesn't act but watches. Mito hoped such a day would never grace Kai's life. He was too precious to like being cucked or other green-hattery stuff.

"Stop with these obscene thoughts! Hasn't your prolapsed hole had enough—"

Mito ignored the bitch who cried fox, drowning in her thoughts. What was the point of insulting her pregnancy?

Yes, she can't fear a guy who massages her feet, claiming to enjoy her presence, holding a good taste like her granddaughter, and even learning to cook absolute bangers! Hah! Madara wished he learned cooking!

It was way cheaper than setting loose a destructive fox.

Mito shook her head again.

'Maybe… it's a kekkei genkai?' Mito reached the same stage as before. She suspected the boy to have a better lineage than the norm. But he hadn't shown any other talent besides learning things quicker than his peers. There have been several specimens like the boy in recent years—Sakumo and Orochimaru being the few notable ones without any kekkei genkai.

Whatever the reason was, Mito found herself enjoying life these days. Her vessel hadn't felt this hopeful since Hashirama's passing. The thought of her late husband's passing filled her mouth with distaste.

'Sure, he says he had a disease. But he chose one banger of a time to pass on—right after Madara's death. Did he think he could score that edgy ass in the afterlife?' She clicked her tongue. Hashirama passed under mysterious circumstances. The man disbanded Senju after ending the war and moved on once his 'buddy' did. What else was Mito supposed to think?

*Knock* *Knock*

Mito sensed Kai and Kushina on the other side, fresh out of the academy and bickering in hushed voices.

"Come in, you two," Mito exhaled. Her eyes rested on Kai a moment longer than Kushina. By every right, Kushina was supposed to get all the attention due to her future burdens. The girl was also kind-hearted and responsible.

But Mito… couldn't relate to that.

She knew why Kai's answer resonated with her. Mito wasn't so kindhearted. She desired things in her life and pestered her late husband. She acted like a massive bitch to Tobirama when he asked for her help in developing his forbidden seals and even transformed into that red-eyed homewrecker to 'surprise' Hashirama.

Hey, harem and being cucked are two different things. The former came with consent and active participation if done right. Several Uzumaki lords were known for their harem of… sisters and cousins. The point still stood.

Meanwhile, cucking came with an unfashionable green hat, often unappreciative partners, and unhealthy competition.

"How are you, Mito-sama?"

"Granny! There was a stupid surprise quiz! Who does that? Classes in Uzu were more fun!"

Mito fondly greeted the duo, recalling her chat with Tobirama.

"Well? I told you what I thought about chakra. It is only fair you inform me of your take on the matter."

"Simple! It helps me do what I like and beat the crap out of what I don't like, dattebase!"

Mito understood Kai more than Kushina. She felt his wild flair to her core. But she was drawn by his modest outlook on life. He was just here for fun… and she adored it. She wished… she could see it all. Seeing him mismanage a group of kunoichi and getting killed most innovatively would be entertaining enough.

Ordinary women would have no way to accomplish that.

Luckily, she was blessed with chakra… and answers.

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Alternate Title: Uncle Kai: Fuiyooh; CSG: Chakrasodium Glutamate; Key To Any Good Dish: Flavor Packet; The Cook; Noble Cook; Tsume Came; Tsume Challenged; Tsume Knelt; Tsume Followed; The Quickest Domination Loss; Alpha; Mikoto and Kushina Smile *Cue Elden Ring OST*; Mito To Kai: Stand Tall, You Cooked; Madara: Nah, I'd NTR; Hashirama Was Fought Over; The Actual Warring Era; Alpha-Chan; Kai's Name Spreads; Kai: Go Forth, Tsume! Spread the Kaispel! *A Few Hours Later: Alpha-Chan*; The Young Pup; Tsume Could Not Endure The Divine Form; Inuzuka Loves Peak Performance; Kai, The Manhandled One; The Talks About Chakra; The Surviving Siblings; The History of Senju; The Grudges of Ancestors; The Faded Senju; Konoha Is Senju; Village Hidden in the Senju?; Mito Is Straight-Up Devious; All Harem is Cuck, But Not All Cuck is Harem; Avoid Da Green—Mito Uzumaki; Kyubi's Fresh Load of Trauma—BL; What Did Mito Do Transformed as Madara… What Did She DO?; Mito: You Take One Look At Me And Think I'm Cucked. No, no, no. I Am The One That Cucks; Mito: The Woman With Chakra and Answers; Mito: Kai Has Nice Taste *Kai's Taste: Granddaughter… Who Is Two Decades Older Than Him*; The Alabama One; Joker: There Are No Rules Against Naruto Fiction, Batman!; Kai: *Chuckles* I'm In Danger

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A/N: Unlike the previous fic where Tsunade had a whole ass clan with Danzo trying to take it out, I felt this was less niche, shed more light on the emergence of other monsters, and even tied into wilder theories like Tsunade being Minato's mom just cause they're blonde. Maybe Tsunade's mum was a blonde Namikaze? Who knows? I just feel that such a Senju Clan that accepted other smaller clans and families to defend against the wild Uchiha was more like how Ashura would operate. Meanwhile, I can see the Zetsu-manipulated Indra just getting a harem and tapping asses to create a whole-ass species. Also, we see early on that Ashura took charge of his friends and their families, who could be the base of the Senju Clan. And it might tie into that wood jutsu user from Boruto? Maybe I'm grasping at straws, but Hashirama freeing others from Senju's name and letting it become Konoha itself—making the village his family—felt more up his speed and his conviction about the Senju clan never needing to rise again due to their peace with the Uchiha Clan.

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