Love?

I opened my eyes as I dreamt the same dream again. My bodies are covered with sweat and I can hear something faintly somewhere in this room. But I can't move. No. I don't want to move. I turned myself on my side and tried to sleep some more. And eventually drifted into my dreamland. Where I see my mother and father. Holding my hands tightly as we walked home. But as soon as we got home, they started to scream at each other.

And she's gone and he's gone and I lost myself in this grey world. Then the dream repeatedly played over and over again like a broken cassette. And I'm unable to wake up from the dream. No matter how hard I try, I'm stuck in that dream.

And I stood there for hours and hours, repeatedly seeing the death of my one only family member left. And the orphanages and lift and mom and dad and pain and abandoned, and death and orphanages and lift and mom and dad.

God I want it to stop. And I opened my eyes again, gasping for air desperately, sat up and found myself alone again. I glanced at the letter next to me. Then I turned my head into my hands. It's numb. I can't feel it. What's wrong with me? I glanced at the desk again and grabbed the vase, and broke it. I slit my left palm, and finally was able to feel my hands. I stare at the rubies that drop from the wound. The metallic scent...it's been a while. I clenched my hand.

It's so quiet here. If I die, no one would notice.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of doing anything. I'm too tired to even cry. My chest hurts so bad, my throat burning with pain, my eyes dry.

I'm tired.

Too tired. I'm tired. I closed my ears.

I wish my head would stop ringing.

I hit my head with my hands few times.

"Stop...stop...stop…" I muttered.

I heard that faint sound again. What is it? I looked at my front door. Is it the landlord? Ah, I should have paid the rent.

I stepped out from my bed, stumbled at fall on my knees. I stood up again and rummaged through my drawer and took out the rent money and walked to my door.

I opened the door at the slightest and shoved my hand out between the door and the frame. Hurry, take it and go. But he grabbed my hand instead so I snatched my back and stepped back. What the fuck? Is this another dream?

Fuck! Why do I always have these crappy dreams?

I shook my head, I need to wake up.

"Princess? It's me. Can you open the door?"

That voice…

I shook my head. Who?

No way. Is it him? Why?

I peek through the door, squinted my eyes as the light hit my eyes and it's him, smiling ear to ear. His eyes looked swollen, did he even sleep? Why does he look like that? He has a thin layer of stubble, looking miserably. He looked tired.

What's wrong?

He make me want to cry.

"Hi, baby."

I stared at him, trying to progress the thing that I saw. He touched my face through the slight open door. I flinched.

"Can you let me in?" I stared at him and unlocked all of the lock and opened the door slightly enough for him to come in. He gave me a smile and came in, and I hurriedly closed the door. Awkward silence fills the room.

I turned around, staring at him with a frown. Is it really him?

"Want a hug?" he asked while opening his arms widely. I slowly walked inside his arms and snuggled my face onto his chest, clung onto him desperately. He is so warm.

It's him. It's him….It's not a dream.

He patted my back softly, burying his face on my neck. "I miss you,baby. Do you miss me?"

I nodded, my eyes started to burn and my chest hurt even more. I can't talk as if something is stuck inside my throat. I can feel myself shaking, and he holds me tightly, sharing his warmth with me.

"Have you eaten? Let's have breakfast together soon, shall we?"

"I'm scared..." I said, finally bursting into tears. "My head hurts so bad. It hurt so bad." It hurts so bad, my heart hurts too. My whole body's hurt. I wish the pain would stop.

"Let's sit down then." He helped me to sit down on his lap as he sat down on the floor. His hands are busy patting me, to calm myself down. I cry harder. "It's okay, I'm here."

"My head hurts." I sobbed desperately. "I'm scared. They keep coming back."

"It's okay, I'm here." He kissed my forehead and patted my head softly. But what does a kiss do? Nothing. I want to make it stop. God...it hurts.

It hurts. It's painful. What is this? Is it because of the nightmare or is it just that I'm already broken? But either way, I wish the pain would stop so I can breathe easier. I wish the pain would stop soon.

------

I gasped and sat up from my bed, holding my neck to check if it's still attached. I'm covered with sweat .

"You're awake?" I looked up to see the voice. It's him? It's not a dream? "What's wrong? Are you okay? Want some water?" he comes closer.

He sat on the edge of the bed and his hand touched my forehead. I am muddled. I glanced at the desk, and the letter was there, and I glanced at the window, it's night time already.

"Hold on, I'll give you some water, you need to rehydrate yourself."

I feel like I'm still dreaming. This is the first time that I saw someone in front of me right after I woke up from a nightmare. For that reason, my heart hammered hard, hurting me more. I'm choking. My eyes started to watery and I looked at him.

He went to the kitchen and came back with a cup of water. He gave it to me and I chugged it like crazy.

"Want some more?" He even brought a jug of water. I nodded. He poured me another and I chugged them clean.

I looked at him once more. He's growing stubble. It looked weird to see him like this since he always has a clean face. I raised my hand to stroke his face but soon realised that my hand was covered with a bandage.

"Should we go to the hospital?" I looked at him again. I'm so confused and stunned. I feel like I want to cry again.

"I don't know how long you sleep but I can reach you for four days. And I keep banging your door but you didn't answer. I thought you ghosted me, but your light never turned off, so I assumed you're here. I was about to break your door. But you finally opened the door, baby." He smiled faintly.

It's been four days? No wonder the dream feels so long, longer than ever.

"Want a shower?"

"You looked dull today…" I said, stroking his face softly. My tears fell again, and now because he looked like this. "You usually look so bright, like the sun, so why do you look like you're under the weather? Are you okay?"

He frowned. But he was still smiling.

"Because I miss you, baby. I'm worried too since I can't reach you." He adjoined my hand and kissed it softly.

"Do you miss me?"

"Why?" I asked him. He let out a soft sighed, as he stroked my face gently.

"Because I love you until it reaches the point I fall so deep that I can't seem to get out of it anymore. I can't get enough of you and when I can't reach you out, I get anxious. That's why." His eyes rest, not unblinking but slowed; yet the effect is soft and inviting instead of harsh. "And I hope you miss me like how I miss you, princess."

I looked down. It's warm. I might get greedier if I'm too used to it.

"Ayden...you said the other day that you might get greedier. Can I be greedier too?" My hands fidgeted as I waited for his reply. "Can I be anxious when you're not around and can't get enough of you too? Am I allowed to do that too?"

I looked up at him, sobbing.

"I'm lack emotion, I can't hear sound when I'm alone, sometimes I am unable to focus on what people say. I might be broken and hurt myself and maybe hurt you too. I am miserable. But even so, can I love you too? Is it okay for me to do that too?"

He chuckled as he kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly.

"You are always full of emotion whenever I see you, Maddison. And you can be greedy with me, you can be selfish too, you need to feel anxious and cautious too. You can do whatever you want. And yes, baby. You are allowed to have all of these feelings. You don't need anyone's permission."

He wiped my tears, kissing my wet lashes softly.

"Now, do you love me?" He looked straight into my eyes, it's a gentle gaze.

I can answer him. I don't have the answer.

What is love anyway?