At least I'm a hero

I am not in the moment and my mind is completely somewhere else. Somewhere I can't even reach. Somewhere I can't grasp. Somewhere out there, but I wonder where it would be. I am, currently, staring into the white and high ceiling. My back is hurt, and the tight and beautiful parts are sore. Why is that?

I turned my head to the window, it's so bright as the sun takes a peek through the thin curtain. Why am I sore?

I slowly sat up, and my eyes fall down to my body, as the blanket fall down from my chest to my tight.

Hm...why am I...naked…

Red spots are everywhere.

You know, the moment when your brain played the memory inside your head like a broken cassette and you just realised what happened and you gasped into the air, almost scream but your voice was too hoarse because you already screaming yesterday? I started to panic.

Yes. I lost my virginity. Not really, I'm not even a virgin, but yes. I...I…

"...fuck." I whispered. I looked around, searching for the beast from yesterday, as the memory suddenly resumed playing.

He was...super...amazing. I still remember how he...god. I closed my eyes tight and shook lightly. I pulled the blanket to cover my body, fuck! We did it? That's not even part of my plan.

I'm blank.

He's good though.

'Ah, shit, baby...fuck!' I closed my eyes again as I heard that. I bite my lips as I feel like I'm about to smile. No, I am smiling, actually. I quickly hide in the blanket as I keep remembering what happened yesterday.

'Haha, princess. You just drive me crazy.'

I curled myself as I keep hearing what he said yesterday. He was crying at first. Since he said, he is about to lose control. He tried his best to be as gentle as he could.

He did. Actually. He did. But he keeps going on and on until he starts smiling and chuckling. And he keep going, I feel like I was dying. He keeps checking over me if it's too hard for me. That's hot...I really like it. No, love it.

I love it.

Do you know what's better? I wasn't scared at all. He made me feel, so secure and he made sure that I didn't get another episode. He kept saying, 'look at me. Tell me if it's too much or 'touch me, baby, feel me. It's me Ayden' or maybe 'princess...princess.'

I feel the heat rushing through my brain right now because I'm completely melting into a puddle.

It was amazing. I never knew that it would be good! Like good. He keeps going until night, non-stop. And I don't even know what time I fall asleep.

I started to laugh. It's really mind-blowing. Damn...I'm lucky. He's hot, has a nice voice, nice body, nice house, nice job, a little annoying but kinda gentleman, loves to cook (only good in Japanese cuisines), and now he's good in bed too.

I think I might get addicted.

"Hm? Good morning, princess." I shuddered. I never know, his voice can turn me on like that! Is it the after sex thingy? Even the voice makes you tremble and excited.

I slowly take a peek from the blanket, still covering half of my face and the rest of my body since it's embarrassing.

Fuck, he's sparkling. Smiling, looking good as a prince. His half-naked body looks as good as yesterday's event.

He fucked me! I can't believe it! And I love it!

"Good morning. How are you feeling, princess?" he asked, leaning forward as he kissed my forehead. "Sore? Tired? Hurt? Pain? Anything?"

"You are a beast. My back hurt, I'm sore." I said, whispering. And he let out a chuckle.

"I am? Here, have some drinks. I will prepare some baths for you. And I already cooked something for you. Put this on." He passed me a glass of water, He also gave me his shirt to put on. I quickly put it on while I was under the blanket. I could hear him laughing again.

I sit up slowly, he helped me to sit up too, then I quickly drinking the warm water he just gave me. He gave me another kiss and went to the bathroom.

I gulped down all the whole glass, and I stared into his study desk. We went there too.

"Baby?" I looked up, as he slowly bent himself over me, uncovered the blanket, which gave me a shock and placed one of his hands under my knees, and the other under my back. He glanced at me with a smile. "Hold tight, princess."

I feel like I was hypnotized by his voice, as I put my hands around his neck, without breaking eye contact.

And the moment later, I realised that my bum had already touched a cold vanity. What a smooth ride to the bathroom.

"Hands up." He said. And ups my hands go, as he slides off my shirt, his shirt, technically, off from my body and now I'm naked in front of him. I tried to cover my body with my hands, but he moved my hands around his neck.

"Hold tight, darling." And again he lifted me up again.

I flinched, again, as warm water touched my skin.

We both stared at each other, as he smiled wider.

"You're good?" he asked, rubbing my cheek softly. So soft despite how rough his hands were.

"My back's hurt." I am complaining again in a very low voice. Enough for him to hear that. I'm embarrassed, okay!

"Hmm...I'm sorry. I've been holding back over three months now, And you're not helping me, princess." he said. "I'll be right back. Can you bathe by yourself?"

I nodded. And he left, maybe to the kitchen? I'm not sure. But I cleaned myself properly, trying so hard to remember how hot last night went. Last night? We started from the evening tonight!

Shit, I'm an adult now. I mean I am an adult by...you know what I mean, right?

------

As he told me, two days ago (before he literally fucked me again after breakfast) he will be busy today. And I, on the other hand, was stuck inside our house. Why? Because he did it again last night. Three days straight in a row. I'm dying. It's good, obviously. But...my back is killing me right now. Not to mention my legs.

He is a beast! I can't even lift my finger up. He did everything before he left. He lifted me up, washed me up, put the clothes on for me, put me back on the bed, brought me breakfast to bed, and tucked me in.

He told me to sleep, and I did. And now, it's afternoon, I woke up because I received a call from Diana. She's on her way to my house now.

I sighed, still feeling sluggish to even wake up. Until I heard a doorbell ring. Slowly, lazily, I jumped out of the bed to get to the door.

"Hi! I didn't bring anything, broken-hearted," she said, walking past me with a sour face. Ah, another fight, huh? Why do they always fight nowadays?

Just break up if you don't have anything in common anymore. I closed the door and slowly followed her.

"Can you believe him? He just literally works even more now that I'm pregnant! He even did the overtime, and went home super late!" She whined, sitting on the sofa with a pout.

I just smirk, classic Jade.

"Did you hear me?" She is still whining. "Last night, I asked him to take away a cheeseburger, and guess what?"

"He forgot?" I shoot, sitting next to her, still half asleep.

"No! He did buy one, but with pickles! I hate pickles!" she roared, crossing her arms around her body.

"Dee...you love pickles," I said. And she gaped, lost her words. She scratched her eyebrows and sighed.

"I don't like it now!" she sighed heavily.

"Did you tell him?"

"No."

We both stare at each other as silence fills the whole house. So she was upset because Jade bought her a cheeseburger she wanted, and since Jade knows that she loves pickles, he bought the one with pickles, and now that she is pregnant, she didn't like it, but she didn't let him know so she was upset because of that.

The summary of the day.

"You should tell him, don't be upset over something like that. Talk." I said, sounding like a professional counsellor. Or maybe a professional love advisor.

Please take note that this is my first relationship.

"I know...but...I don't know why, whenever I looked at him. I'm pissed!" she said, pouting.

"Why is that?" Obviously, I'm curious. They keep fighting lately. Is this the sign of their relationship at the ending point?

"He...he is being unfair!"

"By what? What did he do?" Oh god, Jade! What did you do?

"He being unnecessarily hot, he woke up all dazzling, while I looked like crap. Even his messy bed hair look hot on him and I looked like fucking witch! He is effortlessly beautiful. It's unfair. I just hate him for that! He smelled so good, even though he didn't wear perfume. And I smell like shit!"

Am I allowed to beat a pregnant woman? I smiled as she keep wailing.

"By the way, did you get prettier too? That's so unfair!" she slapped my shoulder, hard. What an abuser. "I want to be prettier too!" And now she's crying.

I rolled my eyes above. God, help me. I glanced at her. I have to admit, she looked so...messy. Her hair was tie into a messy bun. Not the pretty messy bun that young people are into right now. Not the aesthetic one. The one that looks like you just woke up. Her face was clean without make-up, which is super rare for Diana. She's own a beauty brand. She always has makeup on.

She was wearing Jade's t-shirt, with short pants. Not to mention that the shirt has chocolate stained on it. She smell a little, I wasn't sure if she took bath or not. She drove for four hours looking like that. It's amazed me, for a woman called Diana.

But one thing that I think it's cute is, she's glowing.

"You look pretty too!" I said, genuinely. "Always pretty, and going to be the prettiest mama in the world!"

Her lips curled into a smile. She caught the bait.

"And I'm sure, Jade must be freaking out right now, he would…"

We were interrupted by the doorbell. We both turned to the door. Wondering who the hell is that.

"Is it Jade?" She asked, with a smile on. I shrugged with a smirk. Maybe? I walked leisurely to the door. He must be freaking out.

"Wait, Maddie!" I opened the door while looking at her, what? And I turned my head to the man who was standing right in front of the door.

"Hey," he said, smiling all wide. He peek inside the house, for sure he saw her. "Nice friend you have there," he said eyes back on me.

"But my mind was occupied by you so I need you now," he said. And before I could slam the door on him, he yanked it open, wide open, where I'm only can step back slowly now. Because he stepping forward and forward. And there are two bulky, tall, big men behind him. The fuck?

"Maddie?" Diana called for me in a panicked voice. He glanced at her, and back to me.

"Should I do her, Maddie?" he asked. He is threatening me. Like before.

"She's pregnant," I said. And he laughed, shaking his head slowly.

"You know I don't care about that kind of fact," he said, amused. I know he didn't care.

"Wh-what do you want?" He looked at Diana, who suddenly yelled. God, he hates it when someone yelled at him.

My inner voice keep screaming, for me to keep moving but it was as if there is something on the floor holding my legs to be still.

"Can I take her with me?" he said.

"Over my…"

"I'll go," I said, cutting whatever she's about to say. Because she is about to over my dead body, and to think that he brings two big guys now, he will do the exact thing she said.

Kill her and drag me over.

And like I thought. The two big guys approached her already. And it happened too fast, Diana already on the floor. A thud sounds fill the whole room. I immediately ran toward her, hugging her tightly, protecting her from another hit.

"She's pregnant!" I yelled as one of the guys kicked my back. I heard another scream, it's from Diana. She's crying. "She's crying! I'll go, so don't hit her. Don't touch her. I will go with you."

"I don't hear you," he said.

Diana looked at me, brimming with tears, shaking her head rapidly.

"Please...don't hurt her, I'll come with you. So don't touch…" Before I could say anything, my body was pushed over but that big guy, as he continued hitting her. "I said stop!" I tried to jump over but another huge guy pushed me away. I felt like I was flying across the living room.

"Beg more," he said. And I ran to the kitchen, grab a knife and pointed it over. "Not going to work, woman."

"Let her go!" I pointed to the big guy. Tears already streaming down as I heard Diana's breaking voice. "I said stop! Please...you want me, so stop hurting her!" I plead.

"She said over her dead body. We need to do that," he said in amusement.

I ran toward the giant guy, swinging the knife around as he punched my face. And again I fall on the floor.

"Sorry, boss."

"It's okay."

I looked at Diana, who was now whimpering. She looks half- conscious. They are not human, they are not animals. There is no single word to describe them. They are just disgusting creatures.

I looked at the knife and dragged myself and grabbed it. I heard a chuckles escape from him.

I looked at him. And he gave me a smile. Leaning himself on the wall, crossing his arms. He looked like he's having fun.

"Do you want to kill me?" he asked, bubbly. I smiled at him. Which makes him a jerk. That smile must have caught him off guard.

"You want me?" I asked him. "You said you're going to come and pick me. Is this what you want?"

He straightened himself. Frowning.

"Let her go," I said, politely. "I'll go with you. Just let her go. I do whatever you want. Whatever you said. I'll do anything you want. Just stop." I plead, bowing myself, as my forehead touched the floor. "Please, Henry. Please...stop…"

"Stop. And call an ambulance for her. Make sure they arrive after we go." he said. And the beating sounds stop. I can hear Diana's started to sob again. I closed my eyes.

Whatever it cost. Whatever it costs to stay happy.

"Lift your head, Maddie." And I did what he said. He kneels in front of me, helping me to straighten myself up. "Look at me."

I looked at him. Straight to his eyes. His green eyes.

"Smile at me." And smiles I did. And he smiles too. That's it. He wants me…

But he won't have me.

I raised my hands slowly, showing him both of my hands, shaking. The metallic scents stench my nose. I'm sure he can smell it too...no, see it too. I laughed.

"What to do? You won't see me again." I said, laughing as the blood dropped on the floor. "One thing about you, bastard, you are a coward and you need to know, you can't have me. Not today, not tomorrow, not even eleven years ago. Never going to happen!" His eyes trembled as he looked down at the floor. And my head feels heavy and I remember how my head knocks on the floor. It's quite loud. I heard Diana's voice too, faintly. Crying. Henry just sat there. His guys come to us, one of them shakes him lightly. And the other one wrapped my wrists with something.

Here's the thing about a person who always committed suicide. They, actually, know where to cut. The vital, I mean, we know where it is. It's just the gut.

Whether we have the gut to cut the vital, without any fear or regrets, or we don't have the guts to do so. The thought of suicide is enough, the act to try an attempt is enough too. That's already suicide.

If you ever think, how come, I never die whenever I try. Because I never really cut my vitality. I always...always miss. Because there was this thought deep inside me. If I do it. Would my family feel what I felt when I found my dad's hanging in our bedroom?

That feeling...was indescribable. The thought that I might hurt Jade and Diana because of that, I have no guts. So I thought, thinking or pretending or try an attempt is enough. It's already killed something inside me.

But today...it's different. I think this is how I come. People might think, what I did...was useless. But hey, look! They stop hitting Diana, surely stop haunting me. Therefore...I go for vitality.

Now that I think...agony will pass by. Like people said...time heals. The agony will be there for a moment, but as time keep moving, they will heal. Hopefully.

It's okay for them to cry, to mourn. As time pass by, they will forget about the pain.

Hopefully.

Hopefully.