Dumb ways to die~

"Syala~"

"Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to our main character, Hazuki Kai, a 27-year-old author of the most famous novel, 'PYROSITES: My Heroines were truly Villainous,'" the announcer's voice filled the air.

Upon hearing this, the audience rose from their seats, directing their attention to the stage.

-"Kai! Kai! Kai! Wooaaaa"

-"Kai, please look at me!"

-Clap!

-Clap!

-Clap!

Suddenly, a thick mist enveloped the stage, and a young man emerged dressed in a pure black coat and tie. 

[[Character Illustration]]

Despite his unassuming appearance with light black hair and blue eyes, the audience couldn't contain their excitement upon seeing him in person.

"Woaaahh, it's Kai!!" Some of them yelled his name.

"Kai! Kai! Kai!" Others kept repeating his name as if they were suddenly possessed by some kind of spirit.

"Kyaaaaa! I love you!!" Some of the audience couldn't help but fall in love with him.

"Good evening, Mr. Kai, please sit beside me!" The host exclaimed with excitement as she gestured for him to take a seat beside her.

[1st pov]

Without any reason to decline, I settled down next to her.

As I sat, the host winked and suddenly posed a simple question, "What is your ideal life?"

Hearing that, I smiled and answered confidently, "For me, my ideal life is to have a nice yet stable job, get married, and enjoy a peaceful life."

"HAHAHA, what a nice goal you have, Mr. Kai," the host laughed as she looked at me.

"I know, Ms. Host. Those are just mere dreams, but look at me now – I've become one of the most famous people in the world!" I exclaimed, saying those words with immense confidence on my face.

After hearing my wonderful speech, the audience once again rose from their seats and applauded enthusiastically.

-Clap!!

-Clap!!!

-Clap!!!

"By the way, Mr. Kai, do you have any advice for new authors on how to become successful, just like you?" the host asked another question, her eyes filled with curiosity about how I became a successful author.

Seeing this, I had no choice but to answer, "When you encounter failure, don't give up. Keep trying over and over again until you succeed!" I said in a confident tone, looking at the host, whose expression seemed somewhat disappointed.

'What the heck?!' I thought as I stared at her.

"Ehhh, that's all?" the host said in an awkward tone, putting on an equally awkward smile.

"Yeah, that's it," I replied, looking at the host. After that, the show ended.

◇

"W...ak....ee u..p b.roo..."

A familiar voice suddenly appeared inside my dream. The voice is soft, yet it doesn't sound pleasant at the same time.

"wa—kee... up broo.... wake up!" hearing the familiar voice once again, I finally confirmed who it was.

It's Kaori Hazuki, so I reply to her as calmly as possible cuz I still do not want to wake up.

So I begged her to give me three more fucking minutes.

"argh..... three more minutes," I said in a rough tone as I pushed Kaori away from me.

-Smushh..

As I pushed her, I felt a soft sensation over my right hand. It feels like a soft bun.

-Smushh..

'Hmm... hm?! What's up with this soft sensation over my palm?!' I confusedly thought. 

Out of curiosity, I begin to squeeze it without knowing it.

-Squish..

-Smushh..

"Youuu!!!" Kaori then got pissed off and suddenly grabbed my blanket, causing my back to slam against the floor.

-Slam!

"I said wake up!! It is already seven in the morning!!" Yelled by Kaori as she fiercely looked at me with a disgusted expression on her face.

"Fine! I'll wake up! You.....!" Arrgh! I said in front of her, as my back started to feel hurt, as if someone had hit me with a metal bat.

Damn it, why did she wake me up when I was at the most exciting part?!

"Hmph! Idiot unemployed bastard," Kaori mocked as she crossed her arms while looking at me like I was some kind of disgusting pest.

'Damn it, you...'

Anyway, this spoiled brat that just woke me up is my little sister.

Although she may have a unique trait, such as having golden hair that feels so good once you touch it and a sharp gaze that sometimes gives you a chill.

She has distinct sapphire eyes and a petite body that you might mistake for a loli if you don't look at her carefully. (ehem! over descriptions.)

[[Character Illustration]]

Sometimes, she may be kind of an annoying spoiled brat, but she's a good little sister.

After that, I talked to Kaori as I struggled to get up from my current position.

And by "current position," I mean the floor where I am right now.

"What do you want?! Argh! My back," I retorted in a loud tone, annoyed by her bossy attitude.

"We don't have any food in the fridge, so go outside and buy some food at the convenience store!" Kaori said, staring at me as if she were some kind of mafia boss ordering an employee to run an errand.

"Huh? What am I, your worker?" I replied, looking Kaori straight in the eyes as if I were a lunatic complaining about my low wage.

"Nope, the thing is, this is my house, so my house, my rules!" Kaori continued to give me a fierce look.

'Arghh, fuck, she's right,' I thought to myself. 

Yep, that's right; the thing is... this house I'm staying in right now isn't really mine. It's my sister's house. 

I just rented the upper floor to live in, but in exchange, I need to do all the cleaning and house chores.

"Fine, fine, I get it. I'll go buy some food. What do you prefer, dog food or cat food?" I playfully said with a smirk on my face.

"You!!" Ugh, Kaori got pissed off once again.

-Bashh!

After receiving the meanest right hook from Kaori, I proceeded to my destination, the convenience store.

"Aghh, it hurts," I complained while clutching my left cheek in pain.

Anyway, After three minutes of walking from the house to the convenience store, I finally arrived.

-Ding!

-Dong!

Upon arriving at the convenience store, I was greeted with a refreshing smile from the cashier.

"Good morning, sir. How may I help you?" The cashier greeted me with a cute smile on her face.

"Holy shit, she's cute," I mumbled as I looked at the cashier and smiled.

Charmed by her smile, I instantly had an idea: What if Kaori smiled at me in that way?

'I suppose it would be cute too, but Kaori is way more cuter than her.' I thought to myself before I replied.

"Nothing, just some canned food," I said as I continued my way to where the canned foods were placed.

-Step..

-Step...

"?!!"

While walking, I noticed something that immediately caught my attention. It was those damn creamy, yummy cup noodles that I really like. Kyaaa!

"Hehehe, creamy noodles, my favorite. Argh! Please stop it. I don't have money for that," I mumbled as I desperately tried to stop myself from buying it.

Why? Cuz I didn't really have enough money to buy those creamy noodles! Grii, it's so hard to be broke!

Anyway, after desperately trying to stop myself, I continued walking between the aisles to find Valhalla's legendary canned foods!

Yep, that's right, legendary canned food! For broke people!

And so, while looking around, I finally found them, the legendary canned food!

"Gocha, there you are," I mumbled in excitement as I began to pick up a few cans.

I picked up what I wanted, like those spam with a salted flavor, and put them in a plastic bag. 

After that, I went to where the cashier was, but before I could go, I saw someone holding a shotgun entering the store.

From my understanding, it is a semi-automatic one. How can I be sure? Games taught me things, and guns are one of them!

Fucking hell... What a useful talent!

Anyway, out of curiosity, I hid in the corner and watched as the armed man entered.

"Hands up, this is a robbery!" The armed man shouted in front of the cashier, who was busy playing with her phone.

"Wai... huh?" The cashier responded in fear.

"Give me all your money! Put it all in the bag!" Yelled by the armed man as he pointed the gun at the cashier, who had no choice but to obey his order.

The cashier then rushed to the counter and dropped all the money in the black sack.

"Wow, it really is a robbery..." I mumbled those words while looking at them with excitement.

Why am I excited? That's because when I was a child, I had dreams of becoming a hero – a hero who would save anyone in danger, a hero with tons of money, a hero who wouldn't give a fuck who it was... just kidding, that's not the type of hero I wanted to be.

I guess I was pretty cringy and immature when I was a kid.

Cuz I much prefer to be a hero who hides their identity in short, a low profile one, rather than being an attention seeker like in some novels.

Still cringy even now, isn't it?

Anyhow, as I kept watching, the plastic bag that I was holding accidentally ripped, causing the cans to slam onto the floor.

-Thud!

The loud sound of metal hitting the tiles echoed throughout the entire store, revealing my position.

"Ah... shit, I'm screwed," I mumbled.

"Who's there?!" The armed man yelled in my direction. 

"Fuck you! Canned food," I mumbled. 

Before I stood up from where I was hiding and revealed my face to the robber.

As I stood up, the armed man seemingly froze for a moment, speaking. 

"White Dragon?" The armed man called me as if he knew who I was.

White dragon? Shit... Ahhh!! Why does he know my chunibyo name?!

"Wait! Do you know me by any chance?" I asked, scratching the back of my head because I really didn't know what the heck was going on.

How the fuck did this armed man know my darkest secret nickname of mine?!!

"Hey, It's me, Jake!!" The armed man playfully said but purposely stopped himself in the middle as if he were waiting for me to say something

"Mario?" I replied.

"No! It's me, Black Dragon Jake! Don't you remember when we created a cult dedicated to awakening our super abilities?" Jake explained while attempting to remove his mask and show his face to me.

"Cult, Black Dragon? Oh, so it's you... w-wait, don't remove your mask, you idiot!" I yelled at the black dragon, pointing my finger at his masked face.

"Ehh, why not?" Jake cluelessly asked with a dumb attitude.

"Black Dragon, don't you know that if you remove that mask right now, your face will be recognized by the cashier behind you?!!" I yelled, desperately trying to explain it to him.

"Is that so?" Jake replied, still not getting it.

However, it was useless; he was stupid.

'Aghh! This guy is a real idiot,' I thought to myself.

When suddenly, I noticed the cashier's awkward manner as she slowly moved to the right corner of the cash register.

"...Oi, wait!" I called out, but before she could hear me, The cashier pressed the emergency button below the counter, activating the security system.

-Beep!

-Shush!

As the system activated, all the metal frames on the glass door shut in, and the lights turned off.

"Ah, shit, we are screwed, white dragon! Run away!" Jake yelled as he held onto my hand, wanting me to escape with him.

"Let me go! Why should I run? It's your fault; don't drag me into this!" I retorted in an irritated tone.

Damn it, you nut job! Don't drag me! I'm now a freeman!

Suddenly, a loud noise erupted from outside the convenience store.

-Weeee!! Woooo....

"Fuckers! Let go of your hostage, or we will fire our guns!" the police yelled through the microphone, trying to calmly communicate with us in their police language.

-Woooo... Weeee!!!

"Waaa, the police! We're going to get caught and end up in prison!" Jake screamed in panic, once again grabbing my wrist and attempting to run with me.

"Fuck! Run!" I shouted those words, but Jake accidentally tripped on the floor while running.

-Thud!

"White Dragon! Help me, you fool!" Jake shouted once again.

"Ughh, this fool is going to get me caught!" I muttered as I ran towards Jake, trying to remain as sneaky as possible.

-Bang!

-Shussh...

Suddenly, a bullet passed right through my vision and hit Jake in his right thigh.

"Aghhhhh!" Jake howled in pain after being shot.

Hearing Jake's scream, I looked behind and saw that his fucking right leg had been shot.

'Fuck!! Why, out of all the places, it has to be his leg!' I thought to myself as I decided to help Jake.

I rushed forward towards Jake when suddenly another sound of a gun fired, but this time it echoed inside the store.

-Bang!

-Fussh!!

"Ha! HAHAHA, it missed!" I taunted after realizing that the bullet that was fired had missed me.

"What's happening?! White Dragon, help me!!" Jake yelled, looking towards me for assistance.

However, all he saw the moment he raised his gaze in my direction was only my lifeless body lying on the ground.

Yep, that's right, my lifeless body. The bullet I thought had missed me actually hit me.

However, because of my adrenaline rush, I hadn't realized that the bullet already pierced through my body.

"F-fuck! Fuck!! Damn it, why did you have to die, White Dragon!!!" Jake yelled in agony upon seeing my lifeless form.

◇

[News: Kai, a 27-year-old, has been shot by the police while trying to save his friend Jake, who was a robber. Jake Wilton has been apprehended and is currently in custody. However, due to the unexpected death of his friend Hazuki Kai, he has suffered from sudden trauma and is currently unconscious...]