Help

When I arrived and entered the house, instead of relieving myself, it felt even heavier because of the deafening silence and especially the memories here. Those dreadful memories of mom. Dad and I still managed to get on with life but almost our whole being was left behind in the past. It was as if Mom had taken almost all of our being with her when she left, because both dad and I had changed and not been the same as before.

We have no one to blame but ourselves, but there is still a part of me that I also blame mom. I can't forgive myself. Even dad is the same because he makes himself tired and turns his mind to work to forget everything, that causes us to meet only occasionally. As much as possible we don't want to stay long in this house because every part of it haunts us with the memories of mom.

I know in myself that it is difficult, it is difficult to move forward but what can I do that is the only way left to move on with life. So I hid my emotions at the end of my mind so that somehow I could have hope to continue, because whenever I regain my emotions that memories also get back to my mind and haunt me.

I walked in as I glanced at the room where everything happened. After that happened, dad was no longer sleeping there, he could not enter there because every time he saw the door, he remembered what had happened to mom that he couldn't save. So he stayed in an extra room inside the house and then moved his belongings. Mom's belongings in that room were left with no one to move it because both dad and I couldn't get in there. Fortunately, that room was in the corner of our house so we couldn't see it much.

I stopped in front of my room and first looked at the door at mom's room before I finally entered my room. I know I was just running away from the past that's why I can't get away from those memories because inside I still hoped that all that was just a dream that mom was still there, and still alive. Maybe dad thinks the same way because we didn't leave the house even though something like that happened here at home.

I immediately put down my belongings and then got dressed. I lost my appetite because of what happened earlier. I raised my arms as if reaching for something and closed my eyes tightly.

"I wish everything was just a dream." I suddenly uttered as I lowered my arms then I fell asleep.

The night passed heavily. I need to get rid of everything, especially the emotion I feel because every time I feel them the past comes back and also the voice that I always try to forget.

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I went to school floating and not being myself as if I had not slept last night. Yawning and falling eyes I walked into our building. Walked to the locker and then changed shoes. When I closed my locker I saw Nakano-san, we stared at each other but I averted my gaze as if I had not seen her. I don't want to make any contact with her now because of her, I remember my mom's memory that I am eagerly trying to forget.

"I was just trying to save her." I whispered in my mind.

I could no longer see her expression because I had already started walking towards our classroom.

I was just outside our classroom when I heard noises coming from inside, all the chattering and shouting. When I stepped inside they were suddenly silent as if they had seen a ghost when I entered. I just ignored them and went straight to my desk, sat down and then hung my bag on the side of my desk.

I laid my head on my desk and began to take a nap.

They can't treat or approach me like they did yesterday whenever Aoi is not by my side, because only Aoi can really get close to me.

Because they all pretend to like me because they see my physical appearance but at the same time they also stay away from my visible behavior. They can't understand things about me because they are all hypocrites.

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I felt a cold caress on my face because of that I woke up to look at the person who was touching my face to wake me up. It's Aoi.

"Hey! Haru are you ok? You feel a little hot." He said anxiously as his hand tried to feel my face.

"I'm fine." I said as I grabbed his hand to stop what he's doing and also let it go.

"I knew it, you're not fine." He said.

"No, I'm fine." I straightforwardly said in a dry sound.

"See? Let's go. It's already lunch time, I'll take you to the infirmary." He said as he grabbed my arm to try to lift me up.

"No, I can do it myself." I insisted and stood up while staggering.

"You have a fever, let me help you." He worriedly said.

I was dizzy walking and almost fell when suddenly someone hugged me in front to catch me. I can't see who it was because our position is like we are hugging each other. The only thing I saw was her feminine uniform.

I removed myself from her embrace and then stood up straight. I looked at her and found out that it was Nakano-san, I avoided looking at her again and started walking again and passed her.

I held my head firmly. Headache and Cold feeling are all that surrounds my body.

"Why am I so sick? Damn." I whispered to myself.

I stopped suddenly when someone's foot was floating in the air. I looked up and saw mom's body hanging on the door of our classroom. I only felt fear when I saw that which caused the sudden weakness of my knees that made me fall to the ground. I didn't know what to do because everything was coming back, all the events of those times.

I bent down even more and touched my head as it shook and my whole body trembled. "No, please stop." I begged.

I closed my eyes. I peeked as I looked around, I could see the eyes of my classmates staring at me. They watched me with anxious expressions on their faces.

"Kobayashi-kun, we need to get you to the infirmary." Nakano-san said while holding my arm to help me stand up but I grabbed my arm back.

"I don't need any help from someone who keeps on lying to herself." I said.

My head hurt more and my body became weaker. I have a hard time standing up. I looked around me as if the surroundings were changing and it's turning to look like mom's room.

"No please stop, stop it already. I can't take it anymore." I kept on begging.

This, this is the emotion that I always try to suppress because it is this emotion that locks me in the past that forces me back which causes me to have nightmares.

"Is it mom's doing? Or me playing myself." A thought that crossed my mind.

I heard whispers that I could not understand. Is it a whisper in my mind? Or is it the whisper of the people around me? I no longer know what I see and hear, whether it is still included in the nightmare of the past or this is the reality in which I live.

I felt a sudden touch on my face. I can no longer see the people around even the person who's holding my face.

"Aoi ... Help me." The last words I said and then my vision darkened