Something, Something... Pervy Teacher

"Gah fuck!" I shouted aloud and clutched my head as I transitioned from a glorious giant space lizard man into a Japanese teenager.

Truly none have suffered more greatly than I.

And there's Joker looking at me.

What's my line supposed to be… "Something, something… Pervy Teacher!"

"Pervy Teacher?" the canon leader of the Phantom Thieves askes me.

Leader at least in Royal. If we are in the base game then he is a cat's bitch.

'Go to sleep, Off-kun.'

If you are wondering why Joker was Off-kun to me, then you need to understand that the opening of Persona 5 involves some jackass cops beating the shit out of the protagonist and drugging him to get him to sign a confession.

During this scene I turned to my wife and said, 'I am pretty sure this is supposed to be some kind of immersive way to insert your character name, but I'm going to tell these pigs to Fuck Off.'

To which she responded, 'Fuck these dirty assholes.'

Truly a match made in Heaven.

"Kamoshida, remember that name." I told our intrepid protagonist, "He single handedly proves that the suicide rate in Japan isn't high enough. Seriously, no amount of Harakiri will restore that guy's honor."

I got into a proper Ryugi Sakamoto slouch and continued, "That asshole struts around Shujin Academy like he is the King of the Castle. But really he is just a filthy lowlife criminal everyone props up because he's got an Olympic medal dangling around his neck. You going to do that too, New Kid?"

While he processed that I put down my… fuck me, it's a goddamn purse. I forgot that Ryuji walks around with a goddamn purse. Or maybe I purposefully repressed that shit when I took over. Anyway, I put down my purse and took off my jacket to fix my suspenders and roll my pant legs down.

Feeling fifty percent less tryhard I eyeballed my purse and sighed as I put my jacket back on and threw it over my shoulder. Goddamn thing is part of the uniform.

Fucking Japan.

Using the rain and Ryuji's hair product, I slicked my hair back like the ultra-chad Sosuke Aizen and unleashed the power of antagonist swag to force the guy to say something.

"No way." he denies.

"Cool. Then I am going to walk to school. You can walk next to me and if people think we are walking together that's cool."

With that I led us through the city streets that took us right to a golden stone castle sprawling under a cloudy purple sky.

"Ah New Kid…" I said to my companion, "You are going to have to take point on this cause I am tripping major balls and see a fuck mothering castle in front of me."

"I see it too." the New Kid responded looking at the castle and sky slack jawed.

"Dude, how are we having the same trip?" I mused, "Are we… brothers of the soul?"

New Kid looked at me deeply then spoke, "Whether impossible or laughable, we continue to walk the path of men!"

I threw my hand out and he caught it in a manly handshake.

"Ryuji Sakamoto."

"Akira Kurusu."

"This acid trip doesn't stand a chance against brawlers like us! Let's go fuck some shit up!" I declared and the pair of us stomped down the drawbridge.

We arrived in a grand staircase entry hall with black and white checkered floors and bronze and marble columns. As we looked around atop a round red rug a single knight in iron armor with a green patina copper mask approached sword drawn.

'Hey Persona, we aren't going to have to go through some bullshit are we?' I thought Loudly.

'No way! Who the hell do you think we are, a pair of teenagers in a coming of age story? Fuck that, we don't need anyone to tell us who we are to awaken our power.' a gruff voice responded in my head.

'Sweet, so you are my true persona? None of that awakening shit?' I thought back to the voice.

'Hundi dog. But I am still base level, but hey, I got Evade Wind and Fighting Spirit already.' the voice assured me.

'Then what are we waiting for?' I internally shouted as I externally took hold of my metaphysical mask.

"Fuck 'im up, TEACH!" I shouted as I tore off a piece of my face.

Above me appeared a giant man in a long high collar black captain's coat with a golden fur cape over his shoulders down to his ankles hanging a curly black beard pulled into three golden rings over his hairy chest and belly. He carried six gilded pistols and a jug of rum on his wide belt, and an ornate falchion hung by his hip. His silk brocade pantaloons tucked into fine leather boots which rested atop a miniaturized pirate ship.

He honestly looked a lot like a pimped out late One Piece Blackbeard with just one teensy little difference in the form of him being a red skinned Oni complete with glowing gold eyes, ivory tusks, and a sweet pair of horns on his forehead.

The final form of Blackbeard tipped his wide pirate hat with its red and white feathers to us before he pulled out a pistol and shot that knight right in the face, shattering its mask and slaying it.

Akira was rightfully gobsmacked by the giant Oni pirate captain, but also by my own transformation. I looked like a black, red, and gold hussar officer only in typical Ryuji fashion. I broke the mold by keeping my gold braided jacket unbuttoned to my chest and hanging a knee length fur and silk coat over my left shoulder.

Over my right shoulder rested a hefty white oak and steel boarding axe and at my waist below a red silk sash waited a trusty revolver. Black and gold pants tucking into a pair of leather boots sporting golden spurs. All of this was topped off with a black lacquered and gilded version of Skull's original mask.

"Best. Trip. Ever." I smiled at the stunned teenager.