Chapter 20
The closer Master is to recovery, the more terified the dreams become. It's to the point were I have evaded sleep, I can only sleep when Jasper is nearby but it's getting worse and worse. Bella will sometimes stay and talk with me at night once her daughter is asleep, this helps when Jasper is out hunting. Rosalie and Emmett left to visit friends from a clan in Alaska. I have my suspicions that Dr. Cullen asked them to go there, though I'm not completely sure why. They will be gone about a week or so,it makes the house a bit more open. I really enjoy emmett and I like Rosalie enough, but it can become a little sufficating to be the human on the couch where I'm not really supposed to be. I mean to say that I feel uneasy about taking up their space. I wonder what they all would do or act like if a human wasn't here, what would someone like Jasper do for fun and what would they all talk about? What is a worthy conversation to an immortal? Bella is sweet, she is extremely selfless and kind. I wish I could say I was more like her. Her story, her love with Edward, is truly one of the most fascinating tales I have ever heard. She was a human who fell in love with the vampire and I learned of their incredible battles for their love and their family. It was awe- inspiring and it made me think of Jasper, the idea that he could, in theory, love someone who is human. It is a concept that I ws always taught was...impossible. That us humans were far to unspactacular, ugly and boring to gain the favor of the immortals. Yet, I see why Edward loved Bella- even though she was human. He actually wanted her to stay human, he changed her in a life or death situation rather than out of personal selfishness or greed. He fought his thirst for years just to stay with her. It's so beautiful and full of hope and love and determination. I want that someday though I don't think I would ever be worthy of it.
"I'm back," Jasper states for my beneifit as he enters the house, he is cleaned up and wearing different clothes than before. His eyes lighter and seeking mine. Bella, as she has done every time Jasper comes back from hunting, gets up and touches my shoulder before leaving.
"Hi." I let the greeting fall from my lips as naturally as a breath.
"Hi," His half smile sent a warmth through my body, he is beautiful with the lights of twilight streaming through the open house onto his crystal skin, "Still can't sleep huh?"
I let out a dry laugh, "You say that like it's a bad thing, for me sleeping is bassically a form a self harm."
His smile widened, "Well it sure is ironic that you are mortal then, imagine going mad from lack of sleep and all those nightmares transform into hideous halucinations. You just can't win."
I feel my smile spread, the morbidness of his humor invites me, makes me feel comfortable and like I'm not completely out of place. As much as I admire Bella, I can never be someone like her. I am not...naturally good. I have to work at it because all I know is how to survive. Survival does not often go hand and hand with idealism or love...those flowers didn't grow in the cracks on my cell. Nothing grew in the cracks, matter of fact, because nothing good would survive there. Yet at the ssme time, I don't believe I am evil, or bad. I feel out of place with all these people who don't know what it was like, who don't live the lie I know, but I would never chose to be comfortable in the way I was then. Even though I'm out of the situation, I know the situation will never leave me. It shaped me. These good people, Bella, Dr. Cullen, Esme...even Rosalie would have died in the trade, they would have never watched an innocent murdered...but I would. I would watch, I have watched. They would spare a life not worth the sympathy... I can't say I would. But like them, I would never hurt an innocent. I would give anything to protect these people here, if ever the power was given to me to protect them- so I can't be evil right? Jasper is the first person that really makes me feel like there are people like me, who live in-between the lines of good and bad, who would or can do things other can't but who aid those who otherwise wouldn't live to do good. Sometimes you have to do bad things to survive...but it doesn't always make you a bad person. You can still remorse, greive, feel anger at it. I am not uncaring nor do I want to hurt others, but I know I could stomach it in ways people who are good could never imagine. These vampires have all remorsed about killing humans accidentally, they hold it to them for years, it torments them the way all the deaths I've seen torment me. Rosalie killed those who hurt her but it was a fit of rage, it was personal. I could kill those who deserved it without any passion to it, even she is too good for that. They are too good for me to ever fit in.
Jasper makes me feel...safe and comfortable, something I havn't felt in so long. The last time I felt that, my parents were alive.
"lose- lose I guess." I reply with a smile and an awkward glance. I watch as he takes the seat next to me in the open living room. I feel my heart pick up speed from the closeness but it's become common around him. He hears the change and forrows his brow.
"Am I making you uncomfortable? I can distance myself...?" His question is drawn out, and it takes me a second to understand although it should have been instinctual and frankly his closeness should feel intimidating- yet it simply isn't. I realize I am not feeling anything, there is no emotion going through me that I can recognize, just a heat and the pounding of my chest. It must be ad confusing to him as it is to myself.
"No, no, it's not you..." I find myself almost embarressed to address it. It is odd to feel this way to know he can sense my embarressment and yet a part of me likes that he can.
"Oh, I see." He settles back into the couch and a large unique smile crosses his face and he shakes his head.
"What?" I ask, completely oblivious of what made him smile this way. It was so beautiful and different from his usually shy or cunning smiles. It was open and his teeth visable, almost like he was one word away from breaking out into laughter.
"Uh- nothing, Emmett just owes Edward another Volvo when he gets back. A dumb bet my brother made based around my insecurities that I had shared with them. It's practically a joke made at my expense, though I'm not too upset at the results of this one. He glanced at me from the side but his face was a bit different, falling from the smile into a more relaxed and joyful position. His eyes held something they hadn't with me yet- confidence, facination, undesguised interest. He turned to me, fully sqaure to my body, looking me straight in the eyes. He opened his mouth to speak as if he were about to ask me a trillion questions. I eagerly awaited whatever he wanted to tell me, whatever made him look at me like this but he closed his mouth and peirced his lips.
Instead of saying anything he leans back into the couch arm, "Come here." It was a question but he is so perplexed it sounded more like a command, I paused at the change and if it were anyone else, I would have become afraid. With him though it did something a bit different, something new to me. As if realizing his tone, he added, "If you are comfortable of course." He seemed too preocupied to have read my emotions, this, I am grateful for because this feeling that has come over me is wild and burning. It is...unerving and embarressing. I scooch a bit closer, though we are already closer than we have ever been. He looks at me and gently lifts his hand and places around my waist. As his cold fingers graze my body a jolt shockes throughout my body and I get goosebumps; I can feel the heat in my body like floodling lava in my cheeks. He pulls me closer to him and turns me around, my back to him. His hand move slowely as if he wanted me to be aware of where his hands are at every moment, afraid any sudden movement would startle me. His hand stop firmly on my shoulders near the back of my neck, he pulls me backwards into his chest. I can feel his legs wrap around mine on the couch rather than dangling off. I can feel the coolness of his body contrasting my rising tempeture. My heart is nearly stilled now, to the point I wonder if I need Dr. Cullen to check my pulse- just to make sure I'm not dead. Though as soon as the thought reaches my mind, it leaves because I know I would gratefully stay dead if this was it. His arms are strong and I can feel his muscle as he gently holds me. He kicks up a blanket with his foot and covers me with it, tucking in the corners carefully.
"Perhaps I can help you rest," His voice is smooth and low in my ear, his breath tickles the back of my neck, to which I make an unusual noise of pleasure, "Oh, I'm sorry." He says as he leans back slightly. I find myself fighting the urge to get closer, in hopes it may happen again. I've never felt this heat before, I'm unsure if it is shameful or wrong of me but no matter how I try to cool myself, he lits a bigger fire. I take a deep breath and lean my head back into his chest, enjoying the coolness and choosing not to worry about it. I've never been close enough to smell him before but he smells wonderful, I close my eyes and turn my head to take in the scent covertly. I inhale deep and sigh out the breathe, I feel my body melt into his. He smells almost like an open feild with large strong trees around it, this sweet undertone with an earthy forefront. It is insanely calming to take in and as I do I find myself having a much more difficult time opening my eyes. Instead of fighting the sleep, I settle into the moment and scent and the mental images it paints in my mind but it become the center of a vivd and beautiful dream.