can't work

I can't think. I can't write. My mind is empty. I'm so busy self pitying. I'm so sad and empty. Probably Franco is happy now with Siera and their incoming child. I'm better off this way. It's going to be a cycle of fight and reconciliation with Franco if I didn't get out of that relationship. But that's ofcourse because of my jealousy. I'm alone in the house mommy Rose is at the grocery store. I better do something. I sneaked at Jerry's room to look around. Nothing is interesting just paintings, books and records. I stayed some more until I saw something interesting Jerry is hiding a cigarrete on his medicine cabinet. I took 7 pcs enough for the whole day. I never tried smoking so now is the best time to try it since i'm so bored. My first try choked me. I end up coughing so hard. It's not really pleasant to smoke. I don't feel any pleasure about it but the smoke entertains me. I feel like the cool person smoking on tv. That's how I see myself now. I stand in front of the mirror and watch myself as I smoke. I laughed at my reflection. I look silly, it doesn't suit me. I tried to act just like the other women who smoke. For me their cool and classy. Hmm I can be one of them. I look funny but in time I can get used to it. I'm laughing at myself because my reflection is pretending to be somebody she's not and she looks funny. I tried to make shapes out of the smoke but it's harder than you think. I want to make a circle. I tried and tried but I didn't successful made it. I'm like a kid trying to make bubbles. This is really interesting. It's fun actually. Sadly I run out of cigarrete. I have to go back to Jerry's room before he comes back. So I went, I have to hurry so nobody can see me. I took 3 more and placed it on my back pocket. As I turn around Jerry is already in the room standing at the door looking at me.

"What are you doing in my room Tara?" He asked interrogatively.

"Nothing. I'm just looking at your stuff. Your painting collections and your books." I said pretending to be innocent of any crime.

"Really, I thought you have no interest on paintings?" He is observing me very keenly. But i don't have to admit anything besides what i've done is not a big deal.

"I'm so bored so I'm looking around." I walked close to the door so I can leave that room. I passed by him.

"Tara can you come closer to me." He ordered me with his eyes questioning me.

"What, as if I'm gonna steal from you!" I told him to brush off his doubtful thought. He came close to me. His face is so close like an inch on my skin. He hold my arms tight and look at me furiously.

"Did you smoke Tara?" He asked angrily.

"Yeah, so what? I'm no longer a kid Jerry I can handle a smoke." I tried to get away of Jerry's grip. But he holds me even tighter.

"Where did you get those cigarete?" He asked again.

"I bought it from outside." I laugh at him and I laugh at myself coz I'm lying at Jerry at the same time it's not a big deal. Jerry sniff me one more time and drag me close to his cabinet where he hid his cigarretes. He then found out that I took some. Im laughing endlessly at his expression. "It's just a cigarrete. It's not a big deal. Are you that mad coz I stole some of your cigarettes?"

"How many did you take?" He asked me with an angry tone as if I've stolen a million from him. We're not kids to fight over a toy but he acts so much like that.

"Just one or two." I told him still laughing at his anger over just a silly thing. He started shaking me.

"Tara tell me the truth. How many? This was close to full package when I left it."

"Ow please don't be mad. I will buy you thousands when I get out." I teased him. He sat me at the corner of the bed while he kneels in front of me.

"Did you take any other else?" He asked once more. I pretended to be thinking then finally swing my head for a no. His face is so funny over reacting on this small matter. He hold my face and look at me on the eyes. Literally look at my eyes like Doctors do.

"Don't you dare take any of those stuff on that cabinet. It's not a cigarette Tara. It's MJ if you are dizzy or you're feeling anything weird tell me." He told me so concerned.

"What? Those were MJ's! They seem like just a regular cigarettes." I was surprised. That's why he is so concerned.

"Do you feel anything unusual?" He asked again.

"I feel good. Nothing really special." I answered him.

" That depends on how many you consumed. Me in just 2 sticks I'm so high already with it. So I'm scared that 'you can't handle it." He finally calmed down. I look at him he took some water for both of us. I took the one he offered and consumed it.

"You are overly concerned I can manage those MJ, it's like a candy to me. I actually like it. It makes me feel good. You became more handsome like 10x more. This place is even nicer. The bed is softer. I'm feeling everything." Jerry laughed at me.

"You're high Tara. I will help you go back to your room.