I See It Before He Says It

Shawn's point of view

I've always known I was different, I'm not talking about the gay thing, I'm talking about the creepy fact that I could feel people's energies. I could feel when people were angry or sad or happy, their bodies gave off a radiating energy that for some reason, I could feel. I have never really told anyone about it.

I watched Xavier where he sat in the front seat. I knew they were dating, him and Caleb but I just ignored it. he didn't want to tell me and I wasn't going to make him. I look outside at Micheal's window, it's open and I see him getting dressed. he's shirtless and he looked... good. it was something I would never admit to him, that I found him sexy. I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. I was frustrated.

two days ago, I went back to the store where dad and I ran into the guy in make up and went to apologise to him. he said he understood because he'd come from a similar home and had starting coming into himself after he got placed in a foster home with a more accepting family.

his name was Daniel, he told me I was cute and that he thought my hair was pretty interesting and that he wanted to take me out on a date... a fucking date!. he said he'd pick me up and take me out.

the plan was for him to pick me up from my house and then we would go out. I told Mom and Dad that I wanted to go hang out with a friend and I know I should have been smart and I should have told him to park a block from the house and I should have fucking walk to him but I didn't.

I let him park by the house and I let him ring the damn bell and I was so damn excited that I didn't get the door but dad did.

he screamed and yelled at Daniel, he called Daniel a faggot, a poofter and a whole lot of words that I didn't want to repeat, by the time I went outside he'd gotten into his car and the look he gave me was pity and shame. And the look dad had given him and then me, was the look of hatred.

when he whirled on me. the words he said were. "no son of mine is going to be a fag!!!" the words had washed over me and hand drowned me. I felt like he'd ripped a part out of my body. I knew he was serious because I could feel the energy seeping through his words, it was anger and hatred

"maybe if you'd turn down the damn music?!" they were arguing about how loud the music was in the car and Amber was a bit more antsy than usual. the energy in the car was weird. it was a thunder storm of emotions ramming against each other, so hard and fast that I couldn't make out what they were.

one thing was clear though, we weren't in sync like we usually were. Amber wasn't her usual chattering self, I think Xavier was wrecked with guilt and I wasn't really in the right head space to talk to them and it felt absolutely odd. I didn't like it.

I needed them to be normal, if my life couldn't be, then they should be. "my dad is Nigerian and he hates gays, that's why I'm not out to my parents" I start and they go silently and I think they look at me. the emotions settle slowly and I could kind of pick some of them out. I'm looking outside the window because I don't want to see the pity I feel from them in their eyes.

"he isn't a bad dad but he's not the most accepting, he's Catholic and you know how they feel about the gays... anyway, there was this guy he called a fag at the store the other day and I felt kind of bad for it so I went to apologise and he like asked me out on a date.

I should have done better at keeping it a secret but I didn't and he showed up at my door, he rang the damn doorbell and my dad got it. it didn't end well, my dad called him some pretty shitty names and then he said he didn't want to faggot for a son" I'm use to the way he speaks about queer people so I don't cry like I have before.

"oh, honey..." Amber mutters softly. "I am so sorry"

"I'm not saying this so you'd feel sorry for me, I'm saying this because it's been making me moody as fuck and I don't like the way I feel right now" I mutter softly.

I turn to look at them and I see the looks of pity in their faces. I'm about to tell them to wipe the look off their faces when Amber's energy abruptly changes to a bleeding sadness and burning anger. she suddenly bursts into tears. everyone is stunned. Amber does not cry, she never cries.

"uhm.. Maddie-" I try but she cut me off.

"I hate her!!!" Maddie screams suddenly and everybody jolts!!!. "I hate every fucking homophobic person on the face of the planet!!!!" she buries her face in her hand and sobs.

no one knew what to do but when Vee wrapped his arms around her, I didn't feel right just sitting there so I get up. "alright, come here, you sad sacks" I say and pull them in. no one else moved, no one else hugged us because this was our little bubble. Maddie and Vee treated me different, they treated me like it was just the three of us, like we hadn't just started talking less than a month, like I'd been with them from the beginning. I wasn't sure if it was Because vee and I dated or something but I knew the energy that surrounded them when they looked at me, and it was love... I loved them too

I'm not sure how long it took before we pulled apart but there better be a good reason for Micheal not being down here already, he was always freaking tardy.

"okay, honey, do you want to tell them what happened?" Xavier asked her. I knew what was wrong because Amber had told me about her mother a while ago and I couldn't really give her any advice on what to do because we were kind of stuck in the same predicament.

"yeah, I will" she wiped her eyes and sniffed. "I came out to my birth mother and she said my adoptive parents... mothers are dykes and that they've turned me into a dyke... she said she didn't want a dyke daughter and that whenever I was ready to be normal, I knew where to find her" she laughed a bitter laugh. "I don't even know where to find her!!"

"there's nothing wrong with you" I whisper to her.

"I know that but I don't know what to do about her feeling this way about me, she's my mother, she birthed me and I don't know what to do" she lament and I couldn't help but notice how Calley runs her hand down Maddie's back.

i wanted that, I wanted to have someone to hold me and tell me everything would be alright even though i knew it wouldn't.

I didn't want to be at this party but I knew I had to be, because I knew something bad was going to happen.

for the past few days, I'd felt an aura of sadness oozing off Caleb and that didn't usually happen when someone was in love. he was going to do something stupid and I wanted to be there for my friend.

A knock on the window shocks me out of my thoughts. "hey baby" Micheal coos at me and I frown. "miss me" he opens the car seat and jumps in so he can sit beside me.

"you're tardy, Micheal" I try to shove him away from me because he was too close but he scooted closer and threw his arm over my shoulder. "get off me!!"

"no" he says simply. I glare up at him. he looked Happy but that wasn't true, he was always so sad, his energy always told me he was sad, what I didn't know was why.

I knew better than to argue with him, he was way stronger and fighting him would just be a waste of energy.

and no matter what anyone says, I didn't enjoy the warmth he was sharing.

"damn, we're an hour late, Caleb's probably already made his pick by now" Micheal says softly.

"and whose fault is that?" I ask frowning.

"not mine, Shawny, not mine" I want to argue but I don't because that also would be a waste of energy.

Xavier's point of view

they we're right, we were late as fuck and by the time we'd gotten there, Caleb was already on stage and was near the end of the speech he'd been practicing to say before he'd tell everyone that he wouldn't pick anyone.

"...the past few weeks have been amazing, I got to meet new people and see life from different perspectives of all the different people I've dated and you were all lovely and I couldn't possibly make a choice..... but since I have to make one, it's going to have to be..."

I see it before he says it. his eyes search for mine in the crowd and when he finds them he looks away. I watch them as they move through the crowd and find Sophie's and they hold. they stay, like that was where they belonged.

no. no. no. please, God, no.

"Sophie Cheng"