Back to that summer night.

I tossed and turn in my bed, the sleep that I'm desperately trying to have is way longer forbidden to me. The heaviness in my heart was too uncomfortable. my eyes are wide open, there's no hint of the snooze in them. one of my hands rummaged for the lamp on the nightstand, flicking it on when I felt the darkness around me, swallowing me into its black hole, just to turn it off in a flash because it felt too unreal that it almost fill the room with its unnatural glint. Blinding my eyes.

I knew the fall of my body on the bed will never give me what I wanted, I knew I will keep digging into my heart for the pieces that I could puzzle up with.

I walked to the window, sliding the blinds to each end of it, I pulled the window open. A midnight breeze on a warm summer night escaping through it stumbled on my naked torso, it's cooling. The sky is painted in a blue that is stroked way too many times over the same string, giving it a dark hue. Reminding me of the time I stepped my foot in this house for the very first time, on a summer night. Wrapped in his arms.

I wish you could take me back to the night, I walked here, to live with you for the rest of my life. And then I can tell myself not to go with you, that I'll be all alone trapped into these walls when you leave me alone as facing my own demons. Now I don't know what to do, hunted by the ghost of you.

.

4 years ago...

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When my mom called me downstairs telling me Dad want to talk with me, it was late in the evening. It's kind of suspicious that he now wants to talk with me, we don't talk at all after the incidence of them finding out about us. He has never acknowledged my presence, it would have hurt me back then but now I know better. my feet halted on the last step of the stair. I didn't feel anything until I saw him sitting on the couch, and, beside him was that boy in my neighborhood, it almost made my heart stop. I felt the lumps gathering around my throat but it was hard to swallow down as if it were some kind of a stone piece. I felt sick, watching him standing beside my father with that sickening grimace on his face.

I tried, but I can't roll my tongue to call out to my father, to ask him the reason for his calling now, even though I knew it. The hand clenching on the railing is too tight that I can feel my knuckles turning white. "Don't tell me what I heard is right, Zian!"

his voice is too loud that I fear someone from outside the house could hear him talking.

"What you heard?" I forced my voice out, trying to stay nonchalant.

"You don't know?!" in one blink I saw him seated on the couch and on the other he was standing in front of me in a flash. Harshly gripping my shoulder, yanking my body back and forth. I remained voiceless, which I suppose have irked him, he grabbed my jaw with his other hand, forcefully making me look at his face. His face was all red with fury and I can feel the fear creeping up from the pit of my stomach. I gulped.

"Did you go to see that man behind our backs again?!" he asked through his gritted teeth, voice painfully steady.

I felt my vision blurring, I tried hard to make it stay there, not to let it flow down my cheeks, and my cheeks almost hurt from holding back the tears. I can sense that there is no point in lying again because I know, the boy who is standing there said exactly what he had seen in the parkway to my dad.

"Dad I love hi—" my strained words were cut off by the harsh slap that was delivered to my left cheek. it sting so badly, that I could no longer hold the tears that flowed down to the slope of my chin, uncontrollably.

"You ungrateful brat, don't you dare finish those fucking words, don't you dare bullshit me again!" he roared at me. I felt so ashamed. I can feel the maids peeking behind those doors like they did every time when I stood here taking all the insults that he threw at my face. And my mom? she has always been voiceless, sometimes I really wonder, is she really the one who gave birth to me?

"How many times do I have to tell you? you don't, you don't love him, he's just manipulating you, he's playing with you, Inn. And I know you can't love a man because you are a boy, going to be a man soon, you are my son." He said in a very soothing voice which I rarely heard. Now you're the one who's trying to manipulate me, dad. I wanna say that out loud, but, but I'm scared. I'm scared of them locking me in my room again.

"You don't love him, yea? He's so much older than you. And I'm sure as hell he doesn't love you too. He's a bastard who just wants to play you." Liar. he's not! he loves me, and I love him too. I felt my father caressing my stinging cheek before whispering-

"You're not sick, Inn. And I don't want a sick son."

"Yea, we don't need a sick son here." it was my mother. I felt so pathetic, so small because I can't do or say anything against them—my parents.

"Now, go back to your room. we'll go and see the doc tomorrow, be a good boy," she said. walking towards me, rubbing a hand over my shoulder.

I can barely move, it was as if something is weighing me down. I turned around for one last time, giving that boy a weak smile. My feets strode over the wooden steps. Once I reached my room, I shut the door close and locked it desperately, climbing on the bed, sitting on my knees, I fished through my pillowcase to find the phone Deik had given me to call him because mine was taken away by my parents. I slip it into my pocket before walking straight to the bathroom.

Leaning over the tub I pressed the phone to the side of my face after dialing his number, it barely rang four times for the call to connect.

"Deik?" I whispered.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked, I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and blinked them away. Chewing on my lips to hold the cry rippling around my throat, I let out an almost inaudible 'yes.' which he heard obviously.

"But you don't sound okay." He said and I heard him sigh from the other side of the line.

"Can you tell me what's the matter now? my mom is phoning and I have to talk to her, we just saw each other a few minutes ago, what do you have to tell me now?"

"And that's the fucking matter, can you stop being so fucking rude? why is it has to be me who has to take everyone's bullshits." I yelled at him, that's when I remembered I can't be so loud because I can't afford my parents to find out. I was quick to end the call on him. rushing out of the bathroom, I fall on the bed, full-on sobbing. I shoved my face into the pillow, not wanting to be heard. As I expected he didn't call me back. Was it worth fighting for it when he can't meet me halfway?

I heard a knock on the door, must have the maid calling me to join my parents for dinner -

"What?" I called out.

"The dinner is ready, they are waiting for you," she said.

"I pass, and don't come to call me again!" I yelled out for her to hear me from the other side of the door. It's not like they would care anyway.

"Okay." The shuffling sound of her walking away had been heard scarcely.

Did he don't want me like my father said, is it all some kind of drama that he is playing on me? Am I worth his love? And like he said why does Deik need a boy when he can have a man or woman?

As on cue, I heard my phone buzzing. Turning my head to the side I saw the screen liting up with a familiar name etching on it. My face folded into a smile. Hell, I can't even stay mad at him. Sighing, I put out a finger to slide over the screen, before rolling on my stomach and laying my head on the phone.

"I'm so sorry, love. I just finished off the call with Jesse when you called me earlier. I'm sorry I didn't mean it to come out as rude as you said. Are you mad?", "Oh-" Everything was a whirl after he said her name—Jesse, his former lover, the one he tried hard to get away from, but couldn't. She is one or two years older than him and she is all I'm insecure about. I fell silent because I don't know what to say next.

"Inn, you there?" I can see in my head he taking his phone away from his ears to check if the line was dead.

"Yea," I said.

"Why'd you call me? is there something wrong?"

"Am I only supposed to call when something is wrong?" I can't help but feel mad.

"No babe, why are talking like this?"

"Like what?", "you okay?" His voice is so small, that it sounded unsure.

"Why did she call you?" I asked instead.

"Ah... I don't know, you know her she is just being unreasonable." he trailed off.

I just hummed. I don't know, but now I'm feeling more uneasy. I bit down on my lips waiting for him to say something.

"Baby, tell me what's bothering you, is it her? I told you to not worry about her. I only want you. 'cause now, you're the only one I love and ever love."

"I love you, and I only have you." I can't help the way my eyes started filling up with tears.

"I love you too." I heard him say.