Chapter Thirty

I felt hollow. As if someone had taken a knife and just chipped away at me from the inside out. I was like a thin shell that was about to collapse in on itself. I was broken and I didn't know how to fix myself. I didn't know if there was even a way to fix myself.

I sat on the edge of the bed in my hotel room, trying to find the power to simply stand up and head out the door so I wouldn't be late. I was already dressed in a black dress with matching flats, my hair pulled up into a bun, and a necklace hanging around me neck, the one Mark had gotten me last Christmas. It was just a simple silver lily hanging from the chain. My favorite flower. It was something that seemed so small and so simple but was packed full of meaning and love. It was the perfect embodiment of Mark.

I had to force myself not to cry as I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. There were bags under my eyes, showing just how little sleep I had gotten over the past few days, months in all actuality. My eyes were also red, showing that I had only just stopped crying as I had been getting dressed in a feeble attempt to compose myself for today.

.

The two words seemed so bitter, just thinking them left a sour taste in my mouth. Reminding me that it should be me in the ground, not Mark. He and Lexie should be alive and living happily together while I was left to rot away in the ground. If I were the one who had died less people would have been effected. Less people would be in pain right now. Less people would be getting dressed and heading towards the cemetery to say goodbye to a friend.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I looked around as I walked across the grass and towards where Mark's funeral was to be held, where his grave would reside. There was already a large crowd gathered, all dressed in black. I recognized faces from the hospital, as well as Derek's mother. I knew that Amelia had wanted to be here, but couldn't because of work, the same for Addison, and Abby couldn't miss anymore school. None of them would get to say their goodbyes in person.

When I reached the crowd I made my way around to where some chairs were set up for Mark's closet loved ones to sit throughout the service. Already seated were Derek, Derek's mother, Callie, and Mark's daughter Sofia. That left one empty chair for myself. Before I could sit down though Derek's mother, Carolyn, was on her feet and hurrying over to me, pulling me into a tight hug.

"How are you doing dear?" She asked me, glancing down at my plump belly.

"I'm doing alright." It was a complete lie and we both knew it. Nothing more was said as she led me over to my seat, between her and Derek. As the clergy man began to speak I didn't listen to a word. All I could focus on the was the large wooden coffin that rested only a few feet away from me, holding the lifeless body of my best friend. The box that would trap him, keep him hidden away below the ground, forever out of my reach.

"And now Mark's friend Brianna Howards would like to say a few words." The clergy man said after a while, causing me to look away from the coffin for the first time. I glanced at Carolyn to see her giving me a supportive smile, though tears were clouding her eyes. I took a deep breath as I got to my feet and walked over to stand beside the coffin, facing everyone in front of me, many of whom I didn't know.

"Mark Sloan was my best friend." I started off as I glanced around at all of their faces, my heart seeming to clench as I used past tense. "We met back when he was in medical school with Addison and Derek and I was a college student, sneaking away from my tour of Columbia to get a better look at the labs and classes. Most people probably would have taken me back to my group if they'd found me wandering around, but Mark didn't. Instead he decided to show me around himself and even took me to one of his classes with him, letting me experience everything first hand. He didn't try to grope me or get me to sleep with him like he did most women back then. From the start he was like an older brother to me. Someone that I could always count on. After that day we became inseparable, there wasn't a place that one of us went that the other didn't follow along. I remember a time, about two months after we met, that I had a date with someone and at the restaurant I spotted Mark sitting a few tables over, spying. I gave him hell for it, yelled at him. He just let me yell though and all he said to me afterwards was that he needed to make sure that the guy wasn't dangerous. All he wanted to do was make sure that I was safe. Every guy I went out with he did that, even after he moved to Seattle if he found out I had a first date with someone he would fly back to New York and spy on us. He was always there."

"Many of you probably knew Mark as a man whore or the great plastic surgeon, but he was so much more than just a pretty face or a talented doctor. There was so much about him that so little people got to see and I will always remember how lucky I was to see his true colors." I smiled slightly as I looked down at the coffin, tears beginning to slide down my cheeks. "Mark Sloan was an amazing cook, you could give him a new recipe and within a few hours you'd have a great meal. He was the greatest friend anyone could ask for. No matter what was going on in his life he would drop everything if someone needed him, even if it was for the dumbest things. And he was the kindest soul that anyone could have met. Several years ago when I lost my older brother I was so broken, I felt as though my life were over, like part of me had died alongside my brother. I just wanted to disappear, but Mark didn't let me. He held me day after day as I cried out for my brother, begging for my pain to end. He was always there for me, through thick and thin."

"It's wrong for us to say that Mark Sloan was a great guy or that he was my best friend. It's wrong because he isn't gone." I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand as I came to an end. "Mark may be dead, but he's still here with all of us, watching over us just like he did when he was alive. He and Lexie both are out there somewhere, watching over all of us, making sure that we're okay. Both of them waiting for the day when we all get to be together again, but knowing that that day won't be for a long time, hoping that it won't be for a long time."

With nothing else left to say I walked back over to my seat and sat down, wiping the tears from my eyes as more and more continued to fall. I felt a hand meet my shoulder, slowly rubbing circles to try and soothe me. I glanced to my left to see that the hand belonged to Derek whose eyes were filled with tears of his own, each slipping down his cheeks. In that moment a part of me wanted to yell at him to leave me alone, but another part stopped me, a part that just wanted Derek to hold me and promise me that everything would be okay. That it will all be like the old days without any drama. I just wanted to feel safe again and now Derek seemed to be the only familiar face that could offer me that sweet escape. Slowly the corners of my lips twitched upwards, giving him the small sign that I forgave him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"You want me to what?" I looked at Hunt with raised brows the day after Mark's funeral. I had returned to the hospital to gather the las of my papers from the conference room before heading back to California. When I had arrived at the hospital though I had been greeted by Hunt, Webber, Avery, and Derek all waiting for me in the conference room. Almost as though all of this were some sort of intervention.

"We want you to work here." Derek repeated what Hunt had said just moments ago. "We want you to come back and pick up where you left off before."

"You mean when I froze in the middle of surgery?" I reminded all of them. "You really want to hire someone who freezes up in the middle of surgery and has to be kicked out of the operating room by another attending?"

"That was your first surgery in years." Hunt shook his head. "When you operated the second time you didn't have any problems. You were focused and the patient made a complete recovery thanks to your work."

"You could teach the interns valuable skills." Webber added. "You aren't much older than them but you're an attending already."

"I can't just move here." I shook my head. "Amelia stuck her neck out on the line to get a job for me in Los Angles, I can't just quit."

"I've already spoken with your boss who said that it is entirely up to you, she wouldn't hold anything against you." Derek informed me.

"What about Abby?" I raised a brow at all of them, but they all just looked back at me in confusion.

"Who's Abby?" Avery spoke up for the first time. After a moment I could see the realization fill Derek's eyes.

"I didn't realize that you had custody of her." He commented.

"Well, you haven't spoken to me since you moved here." I reminded him.

"Who is Abby?" Hunt asked, looking between Derek and I for an answer.

"Abby is my niece who lives with me, I'm her legal guardian." I informed all of them.