46

Chapter 46: A+ Relationship AdventuresNotes:

Gonna be honest I've just had a terrible day and figured what the hell, let's post. My allergies are killing me....There's a row of trees bordering the playground at recess and I'm so allergic to them. I've been sneezing like a Loony Toon character despite allergy meds. My kids have been making so many Covid jokes, the brats(I love them but god I'm glad I don't have any of my own at home. Just the hoard at work). So surprise chapter, update schedule is still Saturdays. But just...I spent forty minutes scraping dried clay off tables from our art project, stepped on two legos, and am so congested... This week is gonna suck....also I need stronger allergy meds. Benadryl here I come, Claritin has failed me.

Chapter Text

Pietro spotted the frowning Darcy as he dropped into the lab. "The news?" He asked.

"I'll sue their pants off for defamation of character and liable as soon as Daisy's back." Darcy's eyes were sharp and she fiddled with one of her dodads. Not that he was stupid enough not to know it was probably important but his eyes glazed over when she tried to explain them.

Instead of asking about the tech, he cleared his throat. "I have had an idea."

"Well now I'm supes nervous. What up Speedy?" Darcy looked at him curiously.

He actually felt his face flush slightly. "I might have a solution to your media problem."

"Oooo, this will be good. What's the plot?" Darcy adjusted her knit beanie on her head while giving him her full attention, screwdriver tucked behind one ear.

Pietro grinned. "What if we date? Like officially and everything."

"Wait, like date and shit? Go on gross dates, you get me flowers, we cuddle after boinking?" She raised a brow, looking at him. "That is oddly sentimental. I know I'm good, but really?"

He rolled his eyes. "Please, the sex is good but it's not that good."

"Harsh, but no sex is worth a doomed relationship so continue." She waved her hand airily.

Pietro crossed his arms. "We already get fruity cocktails and judge people at bars at least once a month. Yesterday we started watching season five of Game of Thrones and we've already watched all of How I Met Your Mother. Unless your SheepEE's are sentient I think I'm the person you spend the most time with. Same for me. It makes sense."

"Valid points." Darcy frowned slightly. "How does this fix the media issue?"

Pietro blinked. "Well if we were dating they wouldn't think you were leading on Peter and I?"

"Ah, that would actually make this worse. Right now I'm the undecisive whore who has enchanted two super heros with my evil vagina. If we go all official then I'm the whore who broke up Spiderquake with my evil vagina just for shits and giggles because I actually wanted you. All very Shakespearean I'm sure. But I've got no plans for washing my hands to get rid of spots of blood from asshole reporters. So no go." Darcy slid to her feet and stepped into his space. She patted his shoulder. "If you want to reask the date question with it being on the DL I'm game."

"English is not my first language." He really was baffled sometimes by what she said. About twenty percent of that had sounded like gibberish.

Darcy snickered, leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek with a slight smacking sound. "You, me, romantic dating. Exclusive fuck buddies who snuggle and are gross. I'm in if you're in." She gestured between them. "But no telling the paps cause then it'd get worse."

"Really?" He was oddly touched. "I'd have to tell Wanda."

She looked at him like he was stupid. "Obviously, she reads minds. Sisters before misters, I got it."

"Want to have celebratory lab sex?" Pietro gave his best rakish grin. It had a five out of ten success rate.

Darcy's eyes flicked up and then down. "Janey and Erik are guest lecturing today. They won't be back for another hour." She wrapped her arms over his shoulders. "Let's do this thang lover boy."

Pietro zipped them to the couch, an hour wasn't that long and not everything was better faster. "You like orders, very sexy."

"Don't you know it." She grinned, but there was a genuine pleased sort of hum to her as she spoke. It was nice. Good. It was really good.

They both stilled at a high pitched beeping. He groaned. "Science?"

"Science." She slipped out from under him and hopped over to the control station and frowned. "That's weird, Sheep-EE thirty seven just uploaded new coordinates." Darcy's fingers started adjusting dials and switches on the board.

He couldn't help pouting. "Can it wait? Celebratory dating sex, I hear it's very good."

"Yeah no, just let me portal the little guy home." Darcy waved off absentmindedly, her attention completely focused on the science.

Pietro sighed, well that was to be expected with Darcy. He zipped to the cupboards and started rooting through the snack food. At the least he was leaving the labs with something to eat. "Do you want a poptart? I think I'm going to toast one."

There was the familier whooshing sound of a portal opening. It was kind of hilarious really, he was that used to portals he just ignored them now. Only this time Darcy made a squeaking sound.

Pietro moved, one minute he was digging through the poptarts, the next he was in front of Darcy, blocking her off from the portal room. His face set ready to kick the ass of...the hot lady with a sword holding one of the Sheep-EEs. Hot lady he recognized at second glance.

"Sif?" Darcy clamored past him, elbowing him in the ribs in the process. "Shit, warrior lady, what up?"

"Lady Darcy!" Sif strode forward clasping one arm to her chest and bowing. "I come to beg your aid. Asgard needs you in it's hour of need."

"Oh woah." Darcy pushed her glasses up her nose. "Uh not that I wouldn't, Thor's my dude you know. But like If you guys are facing an hour of need I'm not your girl. Don't you need the Avengers?"

Sif shook her head. "No, we require the aid of yourself and the Lady Jane. Your portals."

"Huh." Darcy seemed to be as baffled as Pietro was feeling. "Coolio, so like...what do you need portaled?"

Sif's eyes were steelie as she stared at Darcy. "As many of the civilians as possible. My brothers in arms can only hold Hela, goddess of death at bay for so long."

"You want evac for how many Asgardians?" Darcy had a certain tremble to her voice.

Pietro clasped a hand on her shoulder. He might be able to help move people.

Sif swallowed. "As many as you can. All of Asgard stands poised to fall."

"Right, all of Asgard." Darcy seemed to balk. But then she straightened, chin tipped up. "Right, well let's get portalling shall we. Where do you need me to open a portal? We can keep one open for two minutes now and reopen them every five minutes." She turned to Pietro. "Go get Jane."

He nodded, tearing his eyes away from Sif, she wasn't an enemy. "I'll be back in a flash."

"Go go road runner." She teased, but then she was turning back to the alien as he took off in a dead sprint for the university. Saving Asgard, totally what he'd been hoping for. But he did have an official girlfriend, so not a total loss.

////

Hill had given up on tower security an hour ago. Jane and Darcy were working like machines to get as many people through the portal as quickly as possible. Which left the rest of them scrambling to find conference rooms for refugees to at least be able to sit down in. She twitched at the sight of what was clearly a child in Dr Cho's cradle. "Status?"

"Anyone with first aid training would be helpful." Dro Cho replied without looking away from the severed arm she was treating.

She could see the entire biology lab had already been recruited to help with the injuries. Reports from Asgard were mixed, but zombies with swords attacking civilians were disturbing enough. "I'll send anyone I can."

"Don't worry about reattaching anything. Just stop the bleeding!" Cho snapped at one of her assistants.

Hill turned on her heel, no one had time to give her more information. As she walked she reconnected to Pepper. "Do we have any medically trained personnel that are helping with intake or Dr Cho?"

-"No, and I can't just bring people in because aliens."- Pepper bit out, clearly as overwhelmed as everyone else. -"I can send out a request to our other facilities but the risks if Hydra or AIM get their hands on an Asgardian…."- She didn't have to finish the thought.

Which, this was not a disaster she was prepared for. "Get someone to call the Norwegian embassy. They might be inclined to accept refugees from Asgard."

-"I'll have Morse make contact, but that will take weeks."- There was a thumping sound and then muffled shouts. Then Pepper's voice was back and clear. -"I'm closing the tower for all non-essential work. That will give you from the third floor on up."-

Hill glanced at the display on her wrist. "That will be useful, number 2,345 just crossed over." She winced as her other line went off. "I've got to go. Contact me if you require logistics, I have Franklin working on housing options."

-"We'll get through this, we've gotten through everything else."- Pepper sounded half exasperated, half fond and a dash of exhausted.

Hill switched lines, she didn't have time for proper goodbyes till they weren't handling mass exodus because apparently Loki wasn't the evil sibling. If Odin was still alive somewhere she was going to find him, stuff a missile up his ass and demand answers for his clearly abysmal parenting. "Hill." She answered.

-"I've got a situation."- A guilty sounding Steve's voice came over the line.

She stopped her strides down the hall and pinched the bridge of her nose. "What happened?"

-"We secured the General, her main base is secure and we're assisting in clean up."- Steve reported. -"But it seems she was colluding with aliens? Some race called the Confederacy? It might be a group not a race. She clammed up pretty fast. But there was a beacon we hit, and it's in pieces now, but it's likely we broadcasted our location to the aliens."-

Hill wondered at the chances of two alien invasions in one day. Technically one exodus and one possible invasion. "Take General Hale to the New Jersey facility. Continue to cooperate and then bring any alien tech and intel back to the tower."

Five hours, three thousand two hundred and sixty eight Asgardians and it was over. She looked at the exhausted looking Lady Sif. "Is it worth the risk to continue opening the portal?"

"No, we've retrieved everyone from the western shelters." Sif's fists clenched at her sides. "Heimdal will guide those left to safe ground. Everyone of us had our own methods to get civilians out."

Darcy looked up from where she was guzzling what Hill was pretending wasn't pure espresso that had just had caffeine pills dropped in it. "Wait, your plan was to fiddle with one of the Sheep-EEs, hope one of us was in the lab, and then hope we could portal your assigned civilians out?" She blinked. "You're crazy."

"Thor claimed you as his Lightning Sister." She tipped her head towards Jane. "The Lady Jane as his Love. I hoped you would return his feelings, and you have saved us." Sif pressed a hand to her chest. "We are in your debt."

Hill cleared her throat. "Is it possible this Hela will attempt to follow?"

"Not immediately, Thor will unseat her." Sif replied, and clearly she meant it with every fiber of her alien being.

It was...Hill wondered if Sif was even capable of lying. She could feel a headache coming. "Are any of the people in this tower diplomats?"

"I will find someone capable of serving such a function." Sif gave a sharp nod and marched off to go do exactly that. It was impressive professionalism. If half her agents had been that professional her life as Assistant Director would have been far easier.

Hill turned to Darcy and Tony. "Any progress with the alien tech?"

"Well this is possibly a transportation device." Darcy's nose scrunched up. "Did someone tell Steve only mutilated remains were safe? Did he just whack it with his shield till it died? I'm concerned about repressed rage at technology. This baby didn't deserve this."

Tony nodded solemnly from his pile of crushed alien tech. "Past trauma maybe?" The shit.

"He should see a therapist. These babies didn't deserve this." Darcy caressed the side of a twisted piece of metal. There was a horrifyingly actual emotion under the sarcasm.

Tony theatrically sighed. "Tragic really, I'm sure we can build him a robot friend. Exposure therapy is very effective."

"Focus." Hill was going to ignore the inevitable irritating robot sure to be following Steve around. "What type of transportation device?"

Darcy looked at the machine she'd just been petting with disgust. "Same type of tech our alien anthropologist assholes used only for larger distances. It's amateur hour really. I mean the radiation from turning it on alone….."

"Is it safe?" Hill stared at the Starks dubiously. Such intelligence, so little common sense. When she died it would be the fault of a Stark. If Tony spawned again she was taking a vacation. Maybe Nat would join her?

Tony waved his hand. "Eh its current level of gamma radiation is negligible. Wouldn't give a hamster a nose bleed."

"Anyways," Darcy interrupted. "It's got a pre-set frequency, I believe and am probably right, it would transport cargo to the location the Confederacy wants."

Tony took over, his face suddenly grim. "The orb I've got here is recognizably Kree. Sif confirmed. If the Kree wants specific cargo that Hydra would be willing to negotiate over…"

"Inhuman slaves." Darcy finished their conclusion.

Tony's face was sharp, dangerous even. It was unsettling. "This pile of crap was a beacon. We're going to have visitors soon."

Hill's jaw clenched as she processed that. Earth wasn't ready for an invasion. But it would seem they had to be. "Looks like your diplomacy is about to pay off. I'll reach out to my contacts."

"Good." Tony grinned. "Beautiful and capable. Knew I hired you for more than eye candy."

Hill was going to kill him. It would be worth it to strangle him. So worth it.

////

Peter swung himself into Aunt May's office. "Hey! Uh quick question, how would you handle a few thousand alien refugees. Hypothetically."

"Peter, where are the aliens." She deadpanned, looking up over her reading glasses.

He cringed slightly. "Hypothetically in Stark Tower."

"Hill and Potts are organizing things I assume?" One of her eyebrows rose.

Peter nodded eagerly. "Yes, and uh Wanda called out from work sick to help, and uh all the Avengers are helping."

"Why don't you go down to Sal's and pick yourself some pizza for dinner." Aunt May's grabbed her purse.

He breathed out in relief. Aunt May's could fix everything.

////

Darcy considered taking a hammer to the section of the alien transport machine she was looking at. She was going to use it on Steve afterwards. "I'm getting a doctorate in Astrophysics."

"Wait, what?" Jane looked over from where they'd been trying to figure out how to stabilize the portal so they could get more people across if they needed to grab some more refugees.

She grabbed her coffee, clutching it to her chest. "I like my machines, I'm good with them. Better than off brand alien psychopaths who think whatever this monstrosity was is responsible portal travel. But it'd go faster if I knew the astrophysics yahoo. 'Sides I've picked up some from you and Erik."

"But…" Jane paused, her head tilting to the side as she absently grabbed her own mug of coffee, it was the mug with unicorns. "I suppose you're at least at a Master's level already."

Darcy nodded, she'd realized she was well on her way to understanding the crazy science a while ago. "See, and it'd be more useful. I could do more, and the tech'd be totes better if I didn't have to constantly hound you to figure out what shit was supposed to do."

"If you need help just let me know." Jane decided with a nod. Her smile was simple and warm, she believed in her. Which is why Janey was the best friend a gal could ask for.

She beamed at her sister from another mister. "Of course! I expect nothing less, as your minion it's your job to ensure I get the best minion training available."

"I don't think anyone has dreamed you could be anyone's minion." Jane replied dryly.

Darcy grinned. "That's so sweet. But untrue, I've been your loyal minion since undergrad."

"Of course." Jane clearly didn't believe a word out of her mouth. "Pass your findings on whatever that is. I'll see if I can spot anything."

Darcy picked up her Starkpad and passed it over. "I think you might be the most brilliant astrophysicist on any planet except Asgard. And even then I'm side eying their rainbow bridge."

"Please, Earth is years behind the rest of the universe." Jane brushed off with an eye roll while snagging the Starkpad.

She raised a brow. "No really, if this machine works how I think it does it's a crime against actual portal technology. Also alien refugees and possible alien invasion on the same day. Wild."

"At best this Confederacy is days out." Jane mumbled while scrolling through the data. "Wait… does this...have no stabilizing features?"

"None." Darcy agreed. "It's a grab on and hope your fingers and toes don't get chopped off type deal. And open for under three seconds I think."

Jane's hair seemed to practically stand on end, such was her indignation as she kept reading. "It's unstable! Why are there no failsafes!? An explosion could take out a square mile or destroy the fabric of reality!"

"Told you." Darcy replied. Her attention was pulled to the other side of the glass walls where Pietro was very clearly flirting with Sif between errands. "Huh...you know I'm pretty straight, but I see the appeal with Sif of her warrior ladishness."

Jane blinked stupidly, it was a rare look in the lab. "Wait...what?"

"I mean Asgardians are hot. And Sif is hot for the alien race of hotness. I get the appeal." Darcy's brow furrowed.

Jane towards the hallway where Pietro was passing a list, likely the names of the various refugees, to Sif. And damn, go him. Whatever he was laying down was clearly working. "Is that bad?"

"No...no I don't think it is." Darcy hummed. But then focused back on the parts. She used a pair of tongs to pick up a coil that was mostly intact. "The fuel source obviously leaked out, and FRIDAY is still analyzing." She frowned. "But I don't think it's a substance found on Earth."

Jane twitched slightly from where she'd begun to swear under her breath. "I wouldn't be surprised."

Darcy blindly accepted the beverage pushed towards her and downed it. Halfway through it she realized it was decaf. She glared at Pietro as she set the cup down in disgust. "The hell? You dare bring me this swill? It's an abomination, decaf is for the weak."

"You need to take a break. Mrs Parker has weirdly taken control. Which is a good thing, I think she, Hill and Potts are like...terrifying?" Pietro shrugged. "But you need sleep."

She pulled her glasses off and began to clean the lenses. "We have a possible incoming alien invasion."

"Yeah, and this whole building is full of aliens who know all about the Confederacy. Lady Sif already briefed everyone." He looked amused. "You can sleep."

Darcy was going to kill Tony. "I'm gonna kill Tony, not even a 'your work isn't critical Spawn'. It'd have been nice to know." She sighed, perching her glasses back on her face. "I'm not going to be able to sleep unless you spiked that decaf with ambien."

"No, but I'm sure I could be helpful." He grinned, eyebrows wiggling.

She couldn't help it, she snorted while letting him pull her to her feet. "Not going to be 'helping' Lady Sif?"

"The timing of us becoming exclusive may have been unfortunate." He replied easily with a shrug. But no regret or upset. "Unless you're more like your sister than I know?"

She slapped his shoulder. "You're a dog." Her head tilted to the side. "But what the fuck, might as well try everything once and badass alien hotty would be the time to try." Darcy stared at his gaping mouth. "Unless the Lady Sif is uninterested, in which case you're out of luck."

Pietro beamed. "I can promise the Lady Sif will be interested, also I'll return the favor with a dude of your choice in the future."

"Really?" Darcy hooked their arms together. "I think this couple thing is going to go very well for us."

He nodded. "We're awesome, of course it is."

"We can never let anyone find out our first act as a couple was a threesome with an alien." She felt a shudder of terror at whatever Daisy or Tony would do. Peter would probably just squeak and turn red with indignation. Adorable, but please no.

Pietro snorted. "I think I can agree to that."

"Cheers."