11

So we're on a train, going to Hogwarts, eating food.

Or whatever snacks count as.

When suddenly the lights cut out.

Which is pretty impressive, since the sun was still out…barely.

And then we get attacked by Dementors, because Harry Potter.

…

The above is a very succinct transcription of every genre-savvy person aboard the Hogwarts Express at this moment, I feel.

So let's back up a little bit.

…

[A Little Bit Earlier]

…

We found Lupin napping in a compartment and then promptly took it over, because obviously a man sleeping in the train on his own meant he had no friends and we could invade his personal territory as needed.

Also, who maintains the Hogwarts express and ensures that it has enough seating for students?

Anyways, we invaded his turf.

"Why is a teacher on the Hogwarts Express?" Ron asks after finding out from Lupin's stuff that Lupin's name is Lupin.

"To protect Harry, maybe?" I offer. "Someone's out to get him, after all."

"I don't think they would attack a train." Harry jokes.

So of course the train starts to slow down even before his sentence ends.

He's lying: it was a good five minutes afterwards.

"There's someone moving outside." Hermione says when the train starts to slow down. "Are we actually under attack?"

"Probably not; there's not enough panic." I say with a surprising amount of boredom. "Still, wands out, eyes open."

"Should we wake him up?" Hermione asks doubtfully and glances at Lupin…I guess she doesn't want to get into trouble. She still drew her wand though.

…

[Now]

…

Before Hermy gets the chance to wake Lupin, something slides open our compartment door.

I feel cold and clammy, thus: fuck it.

"Procoro Patronum!"

A small, blocky, silvery something shoots out from the end of our wand and impacts whatever is outside. The small silvery something explodes in a shower of silvery smoke and we hear a chilly growl.

Once more with feeling! "Procoro Patronum!"

Bam.

The cold clammy feeling recedes…and I feel like collapsing and crying. Jesus.

"What was that?" Ron gulps. "What just happened?"

Deep breath, calm down…need to speak in an even tone. "No clue. It's gone for now, though. Wake the processor up."

The what?

Professor. The three of them didn't seem to catch that slip though. Thank goodness for that.

"I'm awake." Lupin replies without a hint of sleepiness in his voice. "That was very impressive, young man. It's not every day someone as young as you can use the Patronus charm."

"Thank you, sir." I reply without taking my eyes off of the compartment entrance.

"That's what it was?" Ron replies. "It sounded different than what my dad said."

"Your friend is using an archaic version." Lupin sounds like he's chuckling. "A very archaic version. Stay put, I'll talk to the conductor."

And he leaves, and the four of us let out a breath we were somehow still holding.

Archaic?

'Expecto' is the modernized version of the spell. 'Procoro' is the superbly old variant. Comparatively speaking, it's much weaker, though as it's not a shield it consequentially costs less.

So we all know Expecto is a shield at basic stages, and corporeal at advanced stages. Expecto Patronum can be roughly interpreted as "I wait for my protector" while the other is similar to "I demand for my protector." Not sure how accurate this is latin-wise, but, hey, grammar and titles.

The book we learned the spell from also seems to believe that said spell is imported from Hindi with zero proof.

Procoro, then, is a strike type spell without a 'finished' corporeal option. It's pretty much a mixed ball of emotion thrown at the Dementor as hard as mentally possible.

Mixed?

Yeah. Procoro's greatest asset is the fact that it can be used anywhere, anytime, without the condition of 'needing a strong happy memory' to act as fuel. Downside: it uses just a random fluff ball of emotions and thus its efficiency is all over the place.

Fun fact? If I use Procoro with a ball of negative emotions (say, despair) it will actually make the Dementor more aggressive.

In other words, we're using a spell that has a 10% chance of actually killing us every cast?

…Yeah, pretty much. Also, imagine me expositioning all of that to the trio, because that's what I did.

Hermione was incredulous. "So why are you using it instead of the newer spell?"

"Because I can't get Expecto to work at all." Was my (faked) noncommittal reply. "It's the first spell that has utterly failed so far."

Which is somewhat true. I haven't progressed beyond "make useless wispy smoke" and honestly that's not helpful in fighting Death Lite.

"Where did you find that spell if it was so old?" Ron asks with a frown.

Black family library…but I can't say that out loud. "Random reading. Pretty fortunate, too."

…

So with that out of the way (and with the Dementors mercifully leaving and not coming back, though I thought I saw something flash a few times) we can get underway again.

While we waited, Fred and George showed up with chocolate.

I did not realize I was shaking until I got the chocolate in my hands and promptly dropped it on the carriage seat.

"It's that bad, huh?" Fred gives me a reassuring clap on the shoulder. "Chin up. You chased it away after all."

"Right." I'm doing all sorts of calming exercises and literally nothing is working. I mean, my voice is calm and I'm still thinking logically, but everything else is going nuts right now.

Apparently my body is stuck in emergency mode, so despite me not doing anything my arms and legs are working themselves to death producing lactic acid. This is a very strange feeling.

This also makes the act of consuming chocolate difficult, as one hand cannot close around the chocolate and the other is steadfastly refusing to let go of the wand.

George eventually fed us the chocolate. For bonus points, he did so while making airplane noises.

"Is it a muggle thing?" Fred asks curiously while I test my hand's ability to open and close.

My reply was a simple "Hermione?"

"I felt fine." Hermione replies, equally as curious as Fred. "Maybe it's because he's American?"

Bah.

We do our eyerolling at their chuckling.

Hmm…still, this is worth looking into. If I become useless after engaging a Dementor, then it doesn't really matter if I get the first shot off. I'll just lose to the second one coming in.

We never found out until now?

I've never stuck around a Dementor long enough to shoot it until now.

…

With that out of the way, the rest of the train ride was without fanfare (Lupin never came back for his stuff) and soon we arrived at the horseless carriages, and eventually Hogwarts proper.

Harry did not get taunted about fainting, as that part obviously did not happen (though Harry did admit to hearing faint screaming).

During the introductory dinner, Dumbledore made us pleasantly aware that Dementors are stationed around the school for our protection.

He also made us aware that Hogsmeade visits are a thing. I had entirely forgotten about it and thus did not get Sirius to sign the form.

…then again, I get the feeling the administration wouldn't accept a form signed by an escaped convict.

Would Dumbledore let us go to Hogsmeade if we just asked him? We're technically an adult after all.

Eh…we still wouldn't have a form, so that wouldn't solve the fundamental problem.

Where is our form, anyways?

I probably lost it in the Black house somewhere. Not that important.

Anyways…onto the classes.

…

[Care of Magical Creatures]

…

First lesson is Hippogriffs. They are magnificent creatures that scare the bejesus out of me because they're proud and I'm proud (to a certain degree). I guess they could tell I'm not who I appear to be, since the Hippogriffs were not in the mood of letting me get near them.

This had the fortunate side effect of preoccupying Malfoy with taunting my inability to make friends with a giant fluffy griffon knockoff instead of getting his ass mauled by said griffon knockoff.

Maybe you shouldn't call them griffon knockoffs?

I'm not saying it out loud.

Either way, I'm stuck on the sidelines, working on my next project.

Which is…?

Dunno yet. It involves fire and transfiguration though, so hopefully it'll work out better than the Incendio flamethrower.

That has never come up in story.

Because it sucked and didn't work out.

Also, I can see Hagrid being worried about us and dividing his attention between the vicious animals and us sitting on the sidelines. However, as we are not Harry Potter, Hagrid deigned to keep his distance and do his job of making sure the damn 13-14 year olds don't get eaten.

Good times.

…

[Defense Against Dark Arts]

…

Not looking forward to this one.

We're up against that boggart and Lupin teaches us the anti-boggart curse. I have to wonder: how dangerous are boggarts if there's a specific spell designed to fight them? Like…Dementors I understand. Those guys are fuckers of the highest degree, but…

…

Against Neville, the boggart turned into Alan Rickman, who then became Rickman in drag. Standard.

Against NPC Seamus Finnigan it turned into a banshee. Banshees are reasonably terrifying despite their shrill screeching, so I'm not quite sure how he found it less scary by making it mute, but eh.

Imagine a gray, skeletal woman draped in rags coming at you in a dark alley. Now imagine them making no noise beyond the rustling of their clothes. If they were right behind you right now you'd have no idea.

Against NPC Parvati Patil it turned into a mummy, and then it tripped over its bandages. Like, the initial pratfall is funny, but…

How well these guys could survive if faced with the real thing, because you know what's fucking scarier than a mummy? A mummy crawling towards you while dragging its useless feet behind it.

Against NPC Dean Thomas it turned into a disembodied hand. I wonder if he's played Ocarina of time? Anyways, it gets caught in a mousetrap and now simply looks disturbing rather than terrifying.

Against Ron it turned into a Giant Cave Spider. Instead of freezing and then casting Riddikulus on it like a good little boy, Ron completely lost his shit and tossed two Incendios and a Diffindo at it (with alarming speed) before he calmed down and de-legged the thing. Again, not sure how that makes it less scary.

"I had practice over the summer." Ron murmured when Lupin asked him why he did what he did.

He also accompanied that statement with a meaningful stare in our direction.

Ron got five points to Gryffindor for exceptional spellwork, which was pretty cool. Kid got a smirk on his face for the rest of the class.

Then it was our turn.

…

The Boggart transformed into Tom Riddle, complete with that self-satisfied smirk.

"I can't say I'm surprised." I growl. "Riddikulus!"

The spell hits Boggart!Riddle and does nothing.

"You have to focus on the result for the spell to work." Lupin advises as everyone besides Harry looks confused at the handsome boggart man in front of them. "Give it another go, Ash."

"Why is he scared of that person?" Hermione whispers.

"Can't make me funny, can you?" Boggart!Riddle taunts. "It's not the only thing you'll be failing at this year."

I know it's a Boggart, but that still worries me. Also, I have an unreasonably high standard of what makes a Boggart funny, apparently.

Ah!

"Riddikulus!"

…

Nope. Riddle did not start rapping like a Skinny English White Boy. Damn.

Hrm.

Lupin's in a slight pickle, since Harry's after us, so he doesn't want to switch lest Child!Voldemort gets replaced by the adult one.

"Alright then." I sigh and ignore the giggles behind me. "We're doing this the usual way."

Boggart!Riddle looks derisive.

Cast spell on hand.

Clap hands. (Entirely unnecessary)

Clap floor.

Extract spear from floor.

Boggart!Riddle is now a little worried.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll turn into a shield." I declare at the Boggart and jab the spear at it.

"I do not worry, child." The…is it speaking as a boggart or is it speaking as Riddle? "Come at me."

I toss the spear like a javelin at the Boggart, who tanks it with his midriff like a champ.

Well, he's now bleeding from multiple openings in his body, so it's more pathetic than anything else, but it's the thought that counts.

"Is that all you can do?" Boggart!Riddle says, sounding greatly weakened and a little wet in the mouth.

We take out the prismatic lens from our pocket.

"We do not attack boggarts." Lupin warns me. "It's going against the objective of this lesson."

Grr.

We put the lens back where it came from.

"Fine then. Harry, you're up."

…

Before Lupin could voice his complaint (and I don't think he was about to in any case) Harry steps up to the Boggart, who looks at him a little and then…shifts into…

…

…

I sigh. "Harry, I don't know what to say about this."

Harry laughs nervously. "Sorry mate. You do leave a lasting impression."

"Let's get this party started!" Boggart!Me cracks his neck. "C'mon Harry, let's duel." He waves around the wooden spear I created not even a minute ago.

Harry puts Boggart!Me into a chicken suit.

I have to say I look good in that chicken suit…less good when I start squawking though.

…

Actually, this is problematic in a few ways.

One, Harry has faced the boggart instead of being shielded from it by Lupin. This means he will not talk to Lupin after class and expose his weakness to Dementors. Which means he will not learn how to properly cast a Patronus…which is real bad, all things considered.

We can actually solve this problem later if Harry plays Quidditch and the Dementors show up again.

Two, Harry and Lupin need to have good rapport later. It will not do to have Moony and Prongs junior on not faux-family terms.

Hmm.

So to remedy this issue we lag after class to talk to Lupin in private.

"I take it Ron Weasley's reaction to his boggart was also your doing?" Lupin asks amicably after he realizes I've stayed behind. "Most children don't react to their fears by attacking it outright."

"I blame the twins." I say immediately. "But Ron's really getting up there in his casting time."

"So you say." Lupin might've dismissed half of my sentence. "So what can I help you with?"

"Uh." So how do I actually present this? "Please teach Harry how to perform a Patronus charm."

Lupin's body language shows no change. "Why?"

"Because his mental history's going to get him killed if he doesn't learn how to block against those guys."

Lupin is suspicious. "You're a very talented young man, you can teach him."

I don't think he's actually trying to defer the responsibility. "I can't even do it right." I point out. "And I don't have talent, just lots of practice."

"I can't give favoritism treatment to students just because they asked nicely." Lupin says diplomatically. "I have to have a concrete reason for believing that they will benefit from those classes."

Card Number One away.

"He's Prongs Junior; that should count for something, right?"

As expected, Lupin shows slight shock before he mastered his expression again.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ash." Lupin says in a very convincing 'politely confused' tone.

Card Number Two, away.

I drop my voice lower. "Look, Professor. I lived with Padfoot for the summer, and I know Wormtail's going to do some seriously weird bullshit this year. Trust me, I'm not pulling this out of my ass."

He blinks in surprise.

"Alright…you have my attention." Lupin says seriously. "Who are you, really?"

"I…who I am isn't important." I'm not important to begin with. "Just…teach Harry how to do a Patronus and be the adult friend he's going to need, alright? He's gonna need a psychiatrist before all this shit ends."

Lupin doesn't respond and simply stares at me for some time before I realize I'm late for Potions.

…

[Potions]

…

Nothing special happened.

Snape took five points for me being late, but otherwise nothing special happened.

I wanted to ask him about the anti-werewolf potion, but I think doing it now would cause way more problems than it solves.

…

And 'nothing special happened' for the rest of the classes either.

Not even Divination, because we entirely neglected it in favor of Muggle Studies.

Muggle Studies was actually pretty fun, if a little bit boring. The teacher spent fifteen minutes on the topic of 'why muggles shouldn't run with scissors' that somehow veered terrifyingly close to sexual activity.

Anyways.

…

[Chamber of Secrets]

…

So I had intended to make the chamber into something I could make use of. Before I left, I started on some construction projects, but after coming back from a hiatus I can see I was probably insane when I started working.

We feel the same way when we work on software.

Ergo we need to get to work un-doing some of the weird bullshit we did before we left. Ugh.

Also, Myrtle has officially adopted the chamber as her residence, rather than the toilet…which is nice. Her suddenly barging in screeching from time to time isn't quite as nice, but eh. Not like I can block her off or anything.

Time to get to work.

…

…

[Time Skip]

…

…

It's now October 31st.

So…let's see. Going down the list…

Incendio based spells fizzled out again. It just doesn't generate enough power for us. I've even experimented with using incendio as a spell base for bullets (to replace the gunpowder) but it just doesn't give enough power to be useful.

So I'm just falling back on my growing favorites: charms and transfiguration.

In that respect, I made three things that I…might not use all that much? All I care about is busting heads, so that makes me boring.

Anyways.

Number One: Avis + Transfig + Reducto. I'm not quite sure what to call it. I create (up to) four small birds and give them a delayed material shift into glass before suiciding them into the target. So I'm basically a Disney Princess with sadistic extremist tendencies who sends his birds into the enemy and have them blow up. This is a variation of our strike daggers (the targetable floating remote weapons).

Benefit: we can have the birds sit on trees as sleepers and engage our target normally, plus they home in on their target without our constant input. Problem: it takes a fair amount of concentration to make the boombirds not explode on creation, so it hurts our combat ability immediately after making said birds.

Actually, given my naming sense, there's a very good chance I'll be yelling "Allahu Ackbar" before unleashing this spell and give all good Islamic worshippers a terrible reputation way before tensions in the Middle East seep over to Great Britain.

…

Number Two: Cellular Reconstitution. I brushed up a bit on my biology during the summertime. This spell is basically a weaker version of Episkey (the most commonly used heal). The difference being that over time I can regrow body parts that are entirely destroyed…up to the size of my pinky, and it would take a while, but it's doable, so that's a thing. This spell is passive, in the sense that I can cast it and forget about it for a few hours while it does its thing.

Side effect: Since the spell involves moving around very ill-defined magical energy within a person's cell, it also (theoretically) extends our lifespan a little.

Number Three: Flashbang. It's not really a new spell, but I can now reliably make a loud noise and a bright flash by just snapping my fingers. Bonus points: it doesn't affect my eyes or ears at all, so I can use flashbangs with impunity.

Number Not Quite Four: Thunder Axe Plus and Prismatic Beam Plus. I bought what I'm going to call a lesser bag of holding from Diagon Alley towards the end of summer (think Hermione's bag of holding in the seventh book, but not as efficient in reducing weight and size). So I'm now constantly wearing this satchel under my robes and it's uncomfortable as all hell. The upside? I crammed four car batteries inside it.

You know how we roasted the snakes during the dueling club episode? How we had just a battery that could fit into our hand? Yeah.

Also, honorable mention to a failed experiment: the impervious charm's strength is directly proportional to bodyweight. It's the spell that is used to stop rain from hitting faces, and Flitwick told us that the spell won't work on solid objects, so we figured the best way to see how solid 'solid' objects had to be was to go and test it out on ourselves.

To quote Myrtle: "You are the most self-destructively curious child I've ever met."

To which we replied: "You don't get out much though."

To which caused Myrtle to shriek and fly out of the chamber.

She came back after five minutes.

So we found out that the impervious charm has a weight limit. Since we're skinny, the heaviest object the spell can reasonably hope to stop would be something weighing in under a pound while flying at a leisurely speed.

So can it stop a bullet?

I haven't done the calculations for force but I'm pretty sure the answer is no. As far as I can tell, there is no defense against a muggle fireleg…which is kind of surprising, considering that firearms have been around culturally and technologically for the past century. More, if you put non-modern weapons in the mix.

Given that England's wizarding populace seems to be stuck in medieval stasis…

Yeah, yeah…

…

So, other things that happened.

We, through assistance from Professor Snape (though he will never admit it) bought a sophisticated chemistry lab for the chamber of secrets.

Also, I need to rename it to something a little less self-obsessed.

Why did Snape help us?

Professor Snape is incredibly good at maintaining a poker face, but when I told him about the technological advances muggles have made in the field of mixing and measuring he almost went giddy with excitement like a little boy.

So I created an entirely illegal shell company (which Snape enchanted to be untraceable) and fabricated money in a Swiss bank account.

This next part is done entirely without Snape's knowledge.

I then purchased the equipment Professor Snape desired and had them shipped to a nondescript warehouse building, where Sirius apparated them piece by piece to the forbidden forest and I carted them back to the school while he kept my ass covered against Dementor attacks.

I'm frankly amazed this didn't count as a breach of the stature of secrecy.

We committed something like five felonies within the timespan of three days.

Good times.

Anyways, the equipment is set up in the Chamber, and Snape makes semi-frequent visits to meddle with the gear as he sees fit. He's also the one who enchanted them so they'll work within Hogwarts grounds.

As an aside: Muggle equipment stops working when they enter Hogwarts grounds because the school is actually enchanted to bend the laws of time and physics. Simply put, the more complex the machinery, the more likely it will fail.

Example: a car. Hogwart's defenses won't cause the car to crash if, say, it came into the school grounds at full speed. If, however, a bolt on the car's wheel lags behind for half a second, then the car is considered 'immobile' and it experiences a state change, where its velocity is entirely lost until it leaves the range of the spell.

Basically, the car is forced to be 'immobile' while that bolt is out of time, and it will stay immobile until a wizard sends it out of school grounds, in which case it will be mobile again. So, yeah, more moving parts equals bigger chances of things going wrong and having the entire piece of machinery on lockdown.

…

Onto the next topic.

Through the might of transfiguration, the chamber of secrets now looks entirely different. Instead of it being one boring, poorly lit hallway, I've dug out the floor to give myself more room, so now it's more like a…

Well, the entrance now slopes down further into a large circular reception room. The walls to the reception room have firing slits and ballistae transfigured into the walls. The reception room then leads into a large staging area/communal living space, which then branches off into living quarters (very simple bedrooms, enough for maybe ten people), a pantry (empty, because it's just for show), an armory that's NOT empty as I'm slowly filling it up with AK-47s.

How are we making those?

Uh…I may or may not have dabbled into the black market with my shell company. After that it's just transfiguration mimicry. Takes me a while to get the fake pieces to look just like the real ones though.

Sirius's reaction when we obtained the original: "Are you sure you're one of us good guys?" It might have had something to do with the fight we got into to obtain the gun.

More to the point, though I'm stashing weapons like a guerilla war leader, I still don't have a solution to the ammo problem…and I'm sure moving mountains of ammunition will catch interests.

…

Back on track. The new chamber of secrets also has the chemistry lab for Snape, A housing module for Myrtle complete with heat lamps (first time I ever heard a ghost purr), a brand new entrance enchanted accessible to only myself (with Professor Snape having revocable admin access), and a secondary entrance out of the castle. The second entrance is the one I've been using a lot.

We were able to make an entrance out of the castle?

It's surprisingly not that hard, likely due to Hogwarts being, y'know, a magic castle. I think the new entrance is one of the tunnels the Weasley Twins spoke of as 'having collapsed' and the castle just merged it into what I wanted to do or something. The new entrance is equipped with a hefty chain and a large platform for transporting (relatively) large amounts of cargo, though I'll replace it with a proper catapult or something before I graduate.

And we're doing all of this because…

Because we're using the Chamber of Secrets as a testbed for constructing bases in the future…and also because I got a little mad with power. A lot mad with power.

…Anyways.

We're at dinner in the great hall for once, as we've spent almost all of the past two months working in the Chamber.

My grades suffered a bit as a result, but eh.

Also. "Hermione? Why are you glaring at me?"

Perhaps as expected, but she just looks away and doesn't answer. I wonder if I wronged her in some way.

Given that we haven't talked for two months, the obvious answer is yes.

"She's mad at you, mate." Ron offers helpfully.

"I can tell. How come?"

"I assume it's because you've been skipping out on your schoolwork." Percy says.

So basically she's disappointed in me.

Can you blame her? We're as pumped as she was about school for the first two years and now suddenly we vanish and commit felonies.

She doesn't know about the felonies, does she?

"How can you be skipping school like this?!" Hermione demands in a hiss.

Also, I just remembered that she's a mini time lord, so she probably does know exactly what I'm doing. Shit.

Oh well, lie like I mean it! "I haven't been skipping school. I've been busy."

"You've been going out of the school every day!" Hermione points out, indignant. "And then you disappear!"

Eh…that's true. I've been avoiding using the Chamber's in-building access to try and hide it better. "It's Hogwarts! Disappearing on a regular basis is entirely normal!"

"He's right." Fred points out. "Though reappearing on a regular basis is much harder. What's your secret?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets." I say with a shit-eating grin. Also I think Hermy might be feeling murderous.

"But you are a wizard." Luna says airily.

"Potato, Potahto." I wave it off.

"What's she doing here?" Ron asks, alarmed. His alarm is also echoed by the rest of the immediately surrounding Gryffindors. "Should she be here?"

I shrug. "I don't see why cross-table seating can't be a thing."

Harry glances at the teacher's table. "They don't seem to mind."

Luna smiles serenely in her seat next to Ginny.

Hermione offers me an ultimatum. "Stop skipping school."

I (exaggerate my) salute. "Yes ma'am." I mean I've gone to all of my classes, but this is a pretty pointless fight to engage in.

…

"So what's new about Sirius Black?" Ron asks when we're about done with dinner.

"Four more sightings and one supposed run-in with him." George tallies. "With this, we have thirty five crazed killers running loose around the school. Thirty six if you count the real one running around out there."

"How are people seeing him this often?" I can't help but ask. "Do they just point at some shadow in the distance and go 'Hey look that's Black over there'?"

"Yep!" Fred agrees with worrying jubilance. "I think at least five of these sightings belong to you, Ash."

How nice.

"What about the Dementors?" Harry asks. "Are they still wandering everywhere?"

"They're staying out of the way, but George thinks they're getting a little uneasy." Fred reports. "Nothing like staring out of a window just to feel hopelessness and despair."

"Ash."

Mm? "What's up?" George was the asker, apparently.

"Do you think the Dementors are going to attack someone?"

Yes. "No idea…but given the current situation, I'll be damn surprised if they don't."

Ron's concerned. "Why? The Dementors listen to Dumbledore, don't they?"

Hermione isn't speaking to us.

Let's not ruin the sleeping patterns of a child, shall we? "I don't think they'll actively attack people…it will probably be an accident more than anything else."

…

Speaking of accidents.

The Portrait of the Fat Lady got itself ripped up, per the book's storyline. Canonically Sirius (most likely) did it. Right now I have no idea. Ok, I have some idea, but I'm not sure why Riddle would selectively attack a painting, doubly so given his attachment to the school.

Thus, we're currently being escorted down to the Great hall under the watchful eye of the prefects. I'm also not entirely sure how they're supposed to protect us from the supposed psychopathic and very skilled killer, but it's the thought that counts.

…

For the next week, the kids are all jumpy. I don't blame them. Their fortress has been invaded and their sense of security has been greatly compromised…but then again there was a giant invisible monster lurking around every corner last year and the year before that we had a tunnel of guaranteed death, so…they'll probably bounce back faster than normal kids.

Plus Hagrid.

Ah, yeah. Plus Hagrid. He apparently invited an Acromantula (read: massive fucking spider) out of the forest and did a show and tell. One of the kids attending the lesson went crazy when HAGRID LET THE GIANT SPIDER TOUCH THE KID. Said kid then tried to burn the spider down, said spider got very annoyed and tied the kid up in a cocoon, causing the kid's friends to try and burn the spider down, causing the spider to call HIS friends…it turned into a clusterfuck of amazingly epic proportions until Hagrid calmed everybody down.

Props to Hagrid for achieving that in the first place, really.

Calming everyone down or almost getting five kids killed?

Yes.

…

Well, in our case, it hurt a little bit to see people walking around being all jumpy at loud noises (and really Fred and George weren't helping the problem any) so we decided that the best way to solve the problem of people being afraid of loud noises was to provide something that can provide sustained loud noise. Preferably with trumpets.

So we stole a projector, VHS player, speakers, and a few tapes.

Again, I'm waiting for the magical and physical police to come get me at any minute, but until we do…

We wheel the projector and a large white bedsheet into the Gryffindor common room.

"What's he up to now?" I hear a few kids whisper in fear, before NPC Seamus comes up and asks me the same question.

"With the mood around here, I thought we could watch a movie." I explain and pat the VHS…I didn't see one of these things until DVDs started showing up. "Y'know, ease the stress a bit."

"What's a movie?" One of the magic first years asks inquisitively.

'Magical' as in 'raised in magical world'.

"Muggle moving pictures." Seamus explains quickly before refocusing his attention. "How did you get something like this?"

I just grin and don't respond.

He accepts that as a reasonable counterargument. "So what are we watching?" He sighs.

We hang the white sheet and speakers on one end of the room and set the projector on the other end.

"A classic." I grin wider. "Also, mind the speakers, they're going to get a bit loud. Does anyone know a muffling spell?"

"Yep." A six year raises his hand.

"Cast it on the staircase, will you? I don't want to wake up anyone who wants to sleep."

"So what are we watching?" Seamus asks again, this time quite curious.

Harry, who's been watching while having an internal debate on whether if I should be stopped, simply looks giddy. Must be the boy's first movie.

"You'll see." My grin is now hurting my face, and we get the ball rolling.

If you can tell what movie this is simply by what I'm about to write next, I applaud you.

Trumpets! Buh buh buh buuuuuuh BAH bah buh buh BAAAAAAAH BAH bah buh buh BAAAAAAAH BAH bah bah buh buh~~~

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