Chapter 1

We were enjoying our first day, my friend, Kuda and I at Marondera high school before l saw her enter into my classroom. She claimed to be the most beautiful creature l had never seen. In a jiffy I ignored whatsoever I was doing with my friend and gave all my attention to her, avoiding Kuda from noticing what I was up to. Her eyes, smile and everything on her was beautiful. God spent more time on this girl. I didn't know love but l felt it. I watched her walk, sit and the way she shared her happiness with her desk mate it was the most beautiful picture l had never seen. God spent more time on this girl. I imagined her and l walking towards each other in a place scattered with roses, when l was about to kiss her our class teacher banged in.

"I'm your new classroom teacher" his voice echoed, "You can call me Mr. Ida, uhmm break time is quarter past ten and at one o'clock"

That was the last thing l heard from him. I was now working on how and where l would speak with my first crush.

Finally the first bell rang, after a long morning. I couldn't wait to talk to her; every second was like a minute.

I got out of the classroom block first so that l won't miss her. I didn't tell Kuda where I was going; I just dodged from his presence. My eyes were on everyone who came down stairs from our Form one classrooms on the first floor. I found that she had already made friends.

"Wait for me Lillian" her friend shouted speeding to the girl's restroom.

I said to myself that it was a chance given for me to be friends with her. My heart opened up and l took large strides towards her. She turned around and our eyes met. Her eyes were the most beautiful of all, but l couldn't take it. I blushed and turned around. At the very moment I turned away my eyes from hers my life went negative. l lost my confidence, and l became shy and l thought l was a failure. I dared to speak, greet or do anything good or bad in her presence. In class l couldn't raise my hand even if l was sure l was correct. I laundered my school uniform everyday no matter how tired l was. I did this not to impress her but to express myself that l was better than others. She was in my thoughts day and night, and she also came in my dreams some of the time l slept, sixteen times since I had a crush on her. I remember the number because I wrote down every dream of hers in my special jotter pad with a cover picture of an animated rabbit thinking of his lover whilst resting on the moon. It wasn't easy for me to tell her what l felt about her. Since then l learnt to express my feelings in writing poems and songs, and l did this almost every day, especially writing songs. I wrote my first poem I titled love. I wrote this poem for her but I didn't submit, I didn't have the intentions to submit it to her. My love for her drove me too to write other poems though they were not related to love and these poems included Girl child, Success, Death and Lone dream chaser. The dates of these poems were very sparse, about two consecutive years because I had other things to do. I was writing songs and a book too. For the book, I later dropped the project because I wanted to write a book with many pages but this one only had thirty pages. Plus a friend in my neighborhood warned me if I wasn't writing a movie that I saw because it won't be credited to me but obviously dishonored since it's copying someone's works. After I had heard this I went to check my book, oh I was writing the movie 'Legend of the seeker'. I dropped the project instantly but I improvised this project at Form two and started to write the book, 'Josh and Emporkic'. Meanwhile, I also did song writing and composing. These were love songs for Lillian. There came my problem again, I was writing people's songs and also copying the tunes. What a dumb boy were I? It was the same friend who told me that I was writing the songs that already existed; the only difference was that I added my own lyrics on the parts that weren't clear to me. However, I managed to write and compose about five songs of my own, love songs. I forgot the other songs but there is one that is still in my head till today and I can sing it now. The song is, 'Repay me with love'. Oh being open, I'm proud of this song, I wrote it perfectly, let me say. How I wished I had recorded it in the sound studio and present it to her. This made me feel better and live with hope that she will be mine for eternity.

In the classroom l preferred sitting at the back because l was afraid that maybe l had deformities which she will uncover. I also did this so that l can watch her all day. At my primary school l was the best student and in my final year l was one of the students who had scored best results in the country. At high school, it wasn't well at first but I think I made it into the top five, basing on my school report book voice.

"Why not be the best?" my sister would ask, "if you cannot be the best at your school what more in the whole world?"

This made me want to strike hard in my academics and also not to blame Lillian as having disrupted my studies. I will always remember my sister for her remarkable words.

"He is quiet and couth" everyone in my classroom would comment.

I liked it especially in the presence of Lillian, but l never heard her say that. The truth is I had just lost my confidence, I wasn't that quiet. She just stared at his friends and nodded so that it can pass. That made me wants to act more than l do. I ceased greeting or speaking to any girl at my school and l also ceased mixing with other boys and stick to one friend to make myself unique because she was unique too. She was sweet, cool and intelligent in the English subject.

"Lillian is sweet, cool and respectful" boys would comment.

Truly, the undoubted and most beautiful feature that Lillian was distinct from everyone at the school if not the whole nation was her calm and sweet voice. I can tell you that her voice could calm any violent wind at any degree, speed and direction.

I wasn't sure if that worked but l think l had illusions of her staring at me and l felt a little better. Yes l was respectful and honesty since grade one at my primary school but l had become too good for my age. I possessed this to an extent that l deducted my exam marks which had been mistakenly been added. That didn't earn me points from Lillian as I had perceived. Another interesting fact is that l was the only boy bitten once, and l was bitten by the deputy head and said to me in his funny voice, "if you walk with thieves you are one of them." But did this earn me points from Lillian? Or it was just my pride to my stream.

Being beaten by the deputy headmaster taught me something that led me to survive for the rest of my life 'He who accompanies thieves is himself a criminal'. It started when Kuda had been sent by a boarding student to buy a cell phone. Honestly l didn't know how the boarder was caught using the cell phone but the accusations said that Kuda and I brought a prohibited device into the school. He said that he had given us a petty punishment, we deserved more. The news sprout in the whole stream, oh gosh. What's Lillian going to say? Kuda and the other students who were in the deputy's office laughed my reaction towards the deputy's stick. They reported that it was so comic that they laughed at me till I separated with them at Form four, and for Kuda whom we didn't separate still laughs at me.

One morning towards the end of October in the year 2016 when l was still in Form one. One of Lillian's friend, Sharon confronted me and said, "Hey Sam can't you see you tucked in your shirt into your underwear"

What! I was embarrassed, and l quickly tucked in my shirt into my short. The way they laughed in a group at their desk l knew that it was me. I felt isolated but at least Lillian wasn't necessarily laughing. The news did not spread much but I never stopped thinking what if they still talk of it in my absence.

I stayed quiet in the classroom almost every day wishing for an accident to occur so that l can be her hero. Unfortunately that passed in vain.

Something horrible happened. It may sound crazy but it started in January after the Form one December holiday. l couldn't recall her face like l used to do in my thoughts imagining her beauty. Looking at her face without looking into her eyes couldn't help me recover her face. I tried to look into her eyes but l couldn't. I finally let it go. I failed, that l failed everything concerning her and it's not her fault, the blame is mine. The word fail had never ringed in me but it started when l met her. I lost the memory of her face, and l was left with her name and l survived on that.

These were the days when relationships between a female boarder and a male day scholar were a shame to the girl. This was because day scholars were considered poor. I think it was just taken lightly since the day scholars contributed a greater percentage pass rate so some people engaged in such relationships but this feeling survived in people's minds. This affected me in relation to Lillian because it was one among other reasons that I didn't confess to her. But I just ignored it since I had no control of it.

There came a time when students with girlfriends and boyfriends were considered great and the commonly used word was 'swag'. I didn't feel ashamed of myself because my mother had told me the effects of deep relationships at a younger age and I observed it. Some students lost focus on schoolwork and boys lived hiding from their girlfriends if something horrible happened in the classrooms and even in the hostels. Girls started using expensive lotions, powders and cream only to impress boys. I got to learnt that relationships are meant for elders and not us as our history teacher often said. Yes l learnt the complicity of relationships but l vowed not to let Lillian go, l was deeply in love with her.

I requested for a friendship with her on Facebook but it wasn't confirmed and l gave up on that.

Towards the end of the 1st term l wanted her phone number but l missed the chance because I couldn't speak with her. Schools closed and since l had passed every subject it was enough to keep my mother happy. "Yeah you have passed my son but you can do better than this" said my mother.

"Oh mother high school work is harder than primary school work" l would say.

I missed her the whole holiday especially the first and last days of the holiday period. That holiday l wrote most of my songs because she was very far from me and l had no idea where to get in contact with her, and l survived on hope like a politician that l will see her soon. Sometimes when l thought of her l felt cold, and l felt a current run through my veins. I visited my mathematics teacher for lessons so that l won't lose touch. That helped because l never attended mathematics lessons the whole year and l was in top three in the subject.

Schools opened and l had courage to look into her eyes because she was away for a month, but l couldn't. All the courage was a waste. I had to work hard because the results of this term were used to screen students. Those with higher marks were put in science classes followed by classes for commercials and lastly arts classes. The subjects mainly used where Mathematics and Combined science. In my class l was generally in top three in those subjects so l had nothing to worry about.

"I'm in the last class" some students mourned.

I told them that the teachers are not doing this to embarrass them. The teachers are giving them a chance to excel in their various academic areas, but they didn't listen.

"You are saying that because you are in the first class huh!" all shouted

"If you work hard next term the students might be regrouped so don't worry" l said.

This made them feel better and everyone was satisfied since the headmaster had said that though nothing changed.

Kuda and I were put in the same class and that is where we met William, and we became best friends with him, the three of us. I'll tell about him later.

I couldn't get it; l rejoiced that Lillian and l were put in different classes. That was the only thing common between Lillian and other students; they wanted to be in my class. She was in the commercials and l was in the sciences. On the other hand l was happy that l was free but also afraid that l might lose her.

There's this day when l stared at her when we were still in the same class and she did the same. I knew that she noticed that l was deeply in love with her. Judging from her reaction l didn't know how l figured out that since form two she felt the same. I regretted having done that. I was afraid that maybe she thought l was a looser who can't talk propose a girl. Since then l disliked to walk beside or past her. Whenever l saw her l would back off and change the path. I didn't want her to feel my presence. She did the same too, though l don't have the evidence to support myself. Sometimes we would accidentally meet on a one way path. My mind would be confused and pass first. I would stop after a distant and found that l didn't respect the lady, and regret having passed that way, I didn't act like a gentleman.

On Christmas holiday nothing changed it was as alike as every day in summer. I wrote everything l felt in songs, and wished that schools will open so that l can have the chance to meet her. Sometimes l felt her presence, and l would have a walk imagining my future with her. Since l met her l never feared early death, that was because l had this feel that God had something special for me, her. She was the most beautiful women l had never seen and I thought I will never find women any with that kind of beauty. School's opened and things had changed.