Newley….Divorced

Love. The word that could hold and suffocate you so easily if not used correctly. The word that felt like a trap everytime it slipped from your mouth. This story isn't about love. It's about mistakes, misunderstandings, and regret. It's about two people that were never meant to fall in love. Perhaps those two people did not deserve to fall in love, at least, not with each other.

It all started in highschool, when they were just fifteen. It started with a girl, a troubled young lady. She loved the arts, but she never had the supplies to do as she liked. Her name was Lilliana. She was often called the Cinderella of their middle school. Her blonde hair tied into a bun, a silver headband, and her princess dresses. She was beautiful. No one understood how a poor girl like Lilly had such wonderful clothing and beauty like no other. She was kind, she was a delinquent. She had friends that skipped school and broke rules. She never snitched, she never got angry, she never broke her pretty smile. She was too kind.

Then, there was a boy. A timid guy whose looks were no match for the prince called Lust. He was charming, cute, and handsome. His hair was fluffy and he had a part in the shape of a heart. His eyes were the deepest black and they could gaze right into your soul. His smile was sweeter than honey, his voice was smooth and could put you to sleep. He lived up to his name, and everyone knew it. Angel. That was what he was. He gave the kindness and purity the world needed. He stood up for the smaller kids, he joked with the outcasts. He was unrealistic. He didn't believe in pure evil or pure good. He believed in sadness and fate.

"I love you," she giggled and reached out for the boy to take her hand. She wore a mermaid dress, ruby red, and white gloves.

"I love you too." He replied with just as much enthusiasm, spinning her around as they danced under the light.

It was homecoming, and she'd asked him to dance with her. The school had easily nominated them the cutest couple, and they'd stolen the show with their glowing radiance. The school sweethearts. They would wave people off, claiming to be just friends, but you could easily see past that small veil. Attached at the hip, the two had become inseparable. Together they helped and gave to whoever needed anything. It was wonderful.

Everyone envied the couple. Especially on this day, in their senior year of high school. Angel walked into school, standing tall and confident. He wore his tie and a black blazer, his glasses only extenuating his eyes. Girls would giggle as he passed them by and the guys would call for him to join their conversations. He waved them off, determined to find someone in particular. She had him wrapped around her finger, even if he wasn't always sure he wanted this. Today, however, he had an uneasy feeling. It was almost as though he…regretted something.

"Lilly!" He called as he saw the blonde. A girl with brown hair and dark skin stood beside her, comforting her quietly. When she saw Angel approach, she backed away.

"H-Heart." Her voice shook as she hugged him tightly.

"Hey, it's going to be okay!" he whispered, pulling her in, "we've got this under control."

"I-I don't think I'm ready…"

"Why would we be? Just take it easy, you shouldn't even be at school!"

"Please, Angel, don't tell anyone." She begged, looking up at him with her bright blue eyes. He looked back, a smile on his face.

"I wasn't planning on it, Lilly, don't worry."

The two walked out of the school then, heading to the park. They talked for a while about everything. The news had shocked the two of them, but Heart seemed to keep a much calmer mindset. He almost seemed overjoyed by this news. Lilly knew he loved children…but to be excited about this? She was scared. She didn't think they could handle it.

His excitement proved helpful for the next nine months. Lilly, at the age of seventeen, had found herself pregnant with a baby girl. She didn't want to be a mother so young. She had never planned on something like this. The only reason she made it through the entire pregnancy was because of Angel's encouragement. She didn't want to go for abortion, that felt wrong and scarier than the birth. She wanted to believe that maybe this was all for the best. This was all going to be okay. Angel told her how he would take great care of them and be a good dad, and she was more than grateful, but she felt her heart break everytime she looked at him.

Lilly and Angel. The sweetest couple you'd ever see. It was on January 8th, which happened to be Angel's birthday, when they were rushed to the hospital. It was four in the morning, parents and family all waiting. Angel had begun to freak out, suddenly rethinking a few things. The look of pain on Lilly's face only hurt him to see. And what if they couldn't do this? He'd planned to go to college, become a movie director…he couldn't do that with a kid! He tousled his usually well done hair, wiping away the tiredness from his eyes. He became overwhelmed as he paced in the room, only barely listening to the doctor. He was the only one allowed inside, yet he wished he wasn't. He couldn't quite handle the sounds of pain nor could he watch as the nurses coaxed his girlfriend.

It took two hours for the baby to be born. A little girl with small tufts of hair on her head. She was pretty, small, and very loud. Her cries were the first thing Angel allowed himself to hear. Lilly was crying too, but much quieter and more exhausted. Her blonde hair was a mess and her flawless skin was soaked in sweat and tears. She looked so different. She looked so natural. Angel looked out for her, and although he had always found her beautiful, he had never found her attractive. He thought she was the most gorgeous woman to have walked the Earth. Yet he didn't like her for her looks. He got along with her well, and he loved talking to her. Lilly was his best friend, not just his girlfriend. But he also knew he wasn't…into her. It sounded awful, but everytime they kissed or touched, everytime they…well, did anything romantic…he became uneasy. It was strange. And he loved Lilly, he did…he had to. He loved that she was having his kid, and he loved that she was the person he got to spend his life with. That was love, right?

It wasn't long before he was allowed to hold his daughter. They'd named her Venus, after his favorite Roman Goddess. He loved mythology, and they'd agreed that he would get to choose her name. Lilly watched them, amazed that she had pushed a living being out of her. It was almost impossible. She'd never really thought about the possibility of actually being a mom. The thought alone scared her beyond comprehension. She already loved her daughter, but she didn't know if she wanted this. Looking at Angel, the guy she wanted to raise a child with, she wasn't sure how everything would work out. Just by having a baby, she'd ruined his chances at his dream. She made a mental promise to help him go to college and do what he wanted. After all, she wanted to be an artist. She didn't feel the need to go to school for it, she had been drawing her whole life. She planned to illustrate book covers as a freelance gig. It was a good excuse to be a stay-at-home mom, and the Senior year was ending within the next few months. She didn't want to miss graduation, so she'd have to juggle. It didn't help that her parents were never around, or that Angel was an orphan. It almost seemed like they had no one. Her grandparents had come to the hospital with her, but she couldn't ask them for much more than that.

Looking at Venus, she had a feeling in her gut that this wasn't what she wanted. She knew Angel was sad, that he was going to have to give up a lot. He was an academic scholar and he took pride in his attendance at school. Now that he was having to help take care of her…and the pressure. Everyone around them seemed to put pressure on everything. Their studies, their relationships, their baby. They hadn't even left the hospital and Lilly was crowded with worry for their future. She locked eyes with her boyfriend as he cradled the little girl. This image. Him and his daughter. It looked like the most perfect sight in the world. Lilly felt her tears leave her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to stop this. She didn't want to succumb to this life so early. She wasn't ready.

And it only took two more years for her to settle into those feelings. She did a good job, raising Venus. Angel had dropped the director idea completely, taking online courses for majoring in acting instead. He also took an English course, and dabbled in myths. He seemed happy, although he often fantasized about directing his own movie. Lilly had gotten used to her new life fast. Venus was stumbling around now, saying little words and babbling out the most random sentences. She looked more like her dad, which made Lilly smile. She had a sharper jawline and deep void-like eyes. Although, they were big like Lilly's. She was a pretty toddler, everyone thought so. Lilly had felt drained more often, and she could only find the time to do art at night. She found herself unable to make time for Angel. She couldn't look at him some days, when he came home from student teaching or working at the restaurant nearby. He would tell her that he was gonna own a restaurant with Venus one day. She believed him. Lilly thought he was the most perfect dad. And she was the most awful mom.

She cried when Venus wouldn't stop crying, she sobbed when Venus made a mess. She got frustrated, angry. And even then, she kept a smile on her face. She would watch Angel handle it so easily, and then proceed to comfort her every need. She hated it. She hated how perfect he seemed, because she knew deep down, he had no clue what he was doing. How could he be so good at this already, and she still couldn't handle it? And on top of that, he never bothered her with his own anxieties. He would lock himself up when he had a panic attack, he would go on walks when he was overwhelmed. Lilly barely saw him through the day, and she knew it was because he couldn't handle it either.

You could imagine her surprise when he asked her on a date. He claimed that their friends were begging them to go out while they babysat, and they both had a day off. Lilly put on her best dress, her sweetest lipstick, and her nicest hair clip. She hadn't spent a night alone with Angel in so long. And when they did, it was usually spent sleeping. She couldn't remember the last time she just sat with him and felt the love they shared. She could only hope they still shared it. And of course, Heart wore his nicest suit and tie. He always managed to look good, even when he was stressed. He had his hair slicked to the side, his glasses on his face. He had that tired look in his eyes, but the enthusiasm of a little boy.

Lilly didn't look at him that night. She couldn't. She felt awful, like she was lying to him. She couldn't tell him the truth behind her smile. That she wanted so badly to run away and begin a new life. She loved her daughter so much. But she didn't love the pressure or the depression. She was sad, she hated herself. It was hard. The fact that Angel could even tell her this stuff was okay made her mad. She knew he said those things because he wanted to believe it too. They both had their moments where they wanted to just drop Venus off at the adoption agency. But they wouldn't, because they loved her. Venus was the reason they were still happy, even if she was the reason they weren't.

"Lilly?" Angel asked as they sat under the stars. He had set up a picnic, or, his friends had.

He wasn't sure why, but they'd made him buy a ring and plan to propose. He didn't really want to. He wanted to be with Venus, to hold her and teach her new words. He felt uneasy, proposing to Lilly. Of course, he didn't like that he was thinking this way. He just hadn't felt truly in love since the birth of their daughter. He only ever paid attention to the child, only to take his mind off the more depressing thoughts that invaded his mind. He'd counted several panic attacks in just one week. He had poor attendance at work as he was so busy with school and his heart hurt every time he told his girlfriend he loved her. Because the simple truth was that he didn't. He'd been questioning himself more recently, and he'd come to find he had never been attracted to her. He had loved her, of course, but not the way he thought. And that hurt him. He could never admit this out loud, because it would hurt Lilly more than anything. She did so much to keep everyone around her happy, he couldn't handle the pain of making her life harder.

And that's why he did this. He made her stand, he told her she was pretty, he told her he loved her. She smiled, she said thank you, and she told him she loved him. Neither meant it. Neither knew. He got down on one knee, stumbling over his own words as he wasn't sure this was a good idea. He opened the small box that had been in his pocket. He asked her the fateful question, the one she didn't want to answer. She began to cry, not out of joy. She didn't want this. But everyone else did. Evergreen, Leonard, Sam….she couldn't tell her boyfriend no.

"Of course I'll marry you, silly!" She laughed through her tears, hugging him.

He didn't laugh, he didn't cry. He hugged her back, and he stayed silent. He stayed silent for the rest of the night, only responding to little questions. He didn't want her to say yes. He wanted her to say no, to break up with him, to leave him there where he could be sad about his life. Instead, he was getting married. He was engaged to a woman. He didn't…

He didn't love her. She didn't love him. But they did love their daughter. So they put on fake smiles, they planned their wedding, and they dealt with the pain. It seemed so dumb in the moment, that they were doing all this just to keep the other happy. But they were always known for that. They were always known for trying to make everything better.

When the wedding day came…it was almost sadder than the truth. Everyone smiled and cried as Lilly walked down the aisle. Her parents were there, and so were her best friends. Their families had always loved her. She saw her grandparents, and she saw some former classmates who had supported her through the pregnancy. She saw her maid of honor, Evergreen, and she saw the priest. She then saw her fiance. He stood, wearing a gold tie and a buttoned blazer. His hair was smoothed down, his smile was perfect. He held their daughter in his arms, and she waved as she called out for her mommy.

Lilly giggled and waved back, the only happiness coming from seeing her daughter. She didn't even like her wedding dress. It was white, the arms were laced, and it dragged behind her. Her veil had golden flowers and her hair was down with a braid across her head. She looked like the perfect bride, so stunning in white. And she hated it. She didn't want to be married at the age of twenty. She didn't want any of this. It was sickening.

But she kept a smile on her face as the priest spoke. She said her vows smoothly, faking a stutter and her nervous laugh. He said his vows too, and they were loving and sweet. He promised to be a good husband, biting his tongue right after. He held his daughter tight as they said their I dos and I love yous. He kissed her, but only for a short moment. And then, it was official. They were married. They were bound to each other.

The happy feeling didn't last…it barely even started. Two nights into their marriage, they argued. Heart didn't want to touch his wife, he felt disgusted by it. She hadn't done anything with him since before her pregnancy, and he always made excuses. She felt hurt by it. Was she not good enough? He's the one who asked to marry her! She grew frustrated with him, and she knew better than to cheat…but…it was almost the only other option she had if she wanted to feel anything. And she hated herself for that. She cried to her best friend the first week of their marriage.

"Eva! I can't do this!" She screamed. She never screamed.

"Can't do what?"

"I can't be married to him! I don't love him!"

"What?"

It came as a shock to the both of them. Lilly knew that in her heart she couldn't ever truly love Angel. But she hadn't meant to actually say it. She hadn't meant to admit her feelings so blindly. But she stared at her best friend, and she knew it was the truth. It was more true than anything. She didn't want to be married, or a mom, or anything like that. She wanted to be free. She wanted to feel something again. And when she looked at Evergreen with those big blue eyes….the ones that held her sadness in copious amounts. She felt her heart stir and her mind wander. She wanted it so badly…

And it only took a year before she did it. She betrayed the most basic term of her relationship with Angel. She went against everything she had ever wanted. She had broken her own heart, as well as his. And she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't turn back time. She couldn't say she was sorry. She couldn't do anything. And when she told him? He didn't get mad or angry or upset. And for the love of the gods she wished he would. Because it only felt worse when he told her it was okay.

"I'm not mad." His voice shook, his eyes turned away.

"Why won't you just be mad at me!?" She screamed, she cried, she wanted to be blamed. She did something wrong.

"Because, I understand. I don't want to keep you confined, and honestly…this isn't gonna work, Lilly. We don't love each other."

"So you are just…okay? I cheated on you! Have some self respect, Heart!"

"Is it over…?" He asked, looking away. He saw his daughter sleeping on the couch, four years old now.

"Yeah, Angel. I'm moving away."

"Where will you go?"

"Why do you care?"

"So Venus can visit you. I'll lend you money and-"

"Stop being nice to me." She spoke so coldly to him. He felt a pang in his chest, but he knew she was right. He was broken. Lilly, the nicest girl he had ever met, had committed adultery.

He signed the divorce papers, he watched her leave. She hadn't said a thing about Venus until she was going. She said she would send him money and clothes if he ever needed it. She told her she loved her and she was sorry to go. Then, she was gone. No one knew where she was going, but Angel tried his best to understand.

She left him with a child. She left him with his thoughts. He was tired, he was stressed. He finished college with a masters degree, and he decided it was time to move away as well. He traveled far away from home, keeping Venus by his side. It was harder now that Lilly was gone. The little girl constantly wanted her mom to come and get her. He had to teach her that Lilly wasn't around anymore, and that hurt.

He not only succumbed to that fact, but to other things. He didn't want to ever marry a woman again. He didn't like women. He came to terms with being gay, although he rarely ever did anything about it. He focused on Venus. He focused on work. He became a teacher and taught theater classes and he taught a mythology class. He was happier. He wasn't confined to chains. And neither was his daughter.