Chapter 44

THE honeymoon was pure sensual bliss—a week of hot days and balmy nights in Broome—time out from the drought problems at Gundamurra—nothing to do but enjoy themselves in any way impulse took them.

Megan found that sexual pleasure with Johnny was extremely addictive. He was a marvellous lover and there was certainly no doubting his desire for her. It seemed to constantly simmer in his eyes, flaring into passion when she dared to provoke it, and twinkling with wicked satisfaction when she lay contentedly in his arms afterwards.

Though occasionally she felt a stab of jealousy at the look of entranced love on his face when he felt the baby move. Not once did he speak of loving her, and Megan could not bring herself to admit to the feelings she'd always had about him. She was the mother of his child. That was what their marriage was based on. And Johnny certainly did his best to be a husband she could be happy with.

And she was happy for the most part. When they returned to Gundamurra, Johnny threw himself into working with the sheep, going out with the men to do whatever chores were scheduled, coming home to her each evening with the air of a man well satisfied with jobs done. She couldn't fault his commitment to their partnership. The only problem that arose between them centred on the charity concert Lara had mentioned on their wedding day.

The paperwork had been sent for Johnny to peruse. Megan fretted over his reluctance to make a positive decision, acutely conscious that her negative reaction to his career might be at the root of his aversion to the idea.

Wanting to make amends for her previous attitude, she kept pressing him, reasoning that drought relief was the best possible cause for donating his talent, and very appropriate since he was now personally connected to the land.

She did not foresee that the agreement she finally won from him would almost immediately throw them into conflict. A request for a publicity interview at Gundamurra came in and Johnny was strongly opposed to granting it.

'You said you weren't going to hide me,' Megan argued. 'It's not hiding you. It's protecting you,' Johnny argued

back. 'You've had no experience of dealing with the media. Anything you say can be skewed to fit into the story an interviewer wants to do.'

'But I'm a first-hand authority on the drought.' 'They won't be after a story on the drought.' She didn't believe him.

She suspected he didn't want to expose her to his career so soon after their marriage. Yet to her mind, it had to be faced, and the sooner it stopped being a hurdle to be avoided, the better. Besides, a story on how the drought was affecting Gundamurra would surely make city people more aware of the problems in the country. How could it possibly hurt her? What was he protecting her from?

'You can't control what people write, Megan,' he stated, impatient with her stubbornness on this issue. 'The only kind of interview you can control is on live television, and it takes a lot of practice to get that right, believe me.'

All she could see was he didn't want to share this part of his life with her. Johnny Ellis was the star, the crowd-puller. She was just his wife in the background.

To close the rift that had opened up between them, Johnny gave way on granting the interview at Gundamurra. The story was subsequently head-lined—The Outback Bridal Rescue—with a half page photograph of Ric's special shot of them on their wedding night.

The only comment on the drought was that without Johnny Ellis's investment in Gundamurra, even this well- established sheep station would not have survived it. The rest of it was about Johnny's career and speculation about its future now that he was supposedly married to the land. Or was he simply carrying over the cowboy role he'd played in the movie which was yet to be released, in real life for a while?

Megan hated it—hated the doubts it raised in her mind, hated the way every important thing she and Johnny had spoken about had been virtually ignored.

'How do you live with this?' she raged.

'Megan, you chose to let them invade our privacy here, to let yourself be exploited. Will you listen to me now?' he answered quietly.

She listened.

He laid out his plan, explained the reasons for it and Megan ended up feeling she had no choice but to accede to it, given that she was pregnant and Johnny's schedule would be hectic with rehearsals and handling the media coverage expected of him to get maximum publicity for the concert.

So here she was, being mollycoddled by Ric and Lara in their lovely home at Balmoral Beach, while Johnny held court from a top-class city hotel with top-class security guarding him from unwanted attention, escorting him to and from wherever he had to be.

She went shopping with Lara and Kathryn, unaccosted by anyone. She had the freedom of the city to enjoy in any way she liked, with good company readily available. Except it wasn't Johnny's company. And it was lonely in bed at night.

Johnny called her on his mobile phone frequently. She could hardly complain he was excluding her from his life, yet she did feel excluded. Mostly they talked about what she'd been doing, where she'd been, what she'd bought. It seemed to her he deliberately minimised his activities, perhaps believing they would be of no interest to her. Even when she pressed him on them he was dismissive, not allowing her any sense of sharing.

'Will it always be like this?' she cried in exasperation during one call. 'You there, me here?'

It evoked a silence that suddenly crawled with black irony. This was what she had initially wanted, to have no part of his career, for her and their child to occupy a separate place in his life. But now Megan was desperate to believe that the intimacy they had forged during the past two months together at Gundamurra could be transplanted elsewhere. Or didn't Johnny believe that was possible?

She cursed the narrowness of her previous attitude, worrying that it was still casting a shadow on Johnny's thinking, despite her attempts to show him it was different now. Her nerves tightened up as she waited for his reply, wanting him to say something she could get her teeth into and tear apart.

'No. You won't always be pregnant, Megan.' Strained patience in his voice, making her feel like a petulant child. 'As I've already explained to you, I just want to save you unnecessary stress in your condition. It will only be another week and we'll be home again. Okay?'

Eminently reasonable.

But in Megan's already stressed mind it translated to Johnny's judgement that she wouldn't cope with the demands of his career and he didn't want the hassle of looking after her, having to mop up her inexperienced errors of judgement which made her more a hindrance than a help, especially when he should be focussing on putting his best professional foot forward.

I'm being selfish again, she told herself, and let the issue drop, privately vowing to learn how to handle his world better the next time around, listening to him instead of barging forward with her own ideas.

Yet Johnny's emphasis on her pregnancy kept niggling —the child who meant so much to him. Megan couldn't help thinking he wouldn't choose to be in a hotel room by himself if the baby had been born. He'd want his family with him.

And while their marriage might have seemed reasonably safe and solid while living together at Gundamurra, maybe she'd been living in a fool's paradise and deep unbridgeable gaps could open up at any moment.

Ric and Lara were indulgently amused by her desire to watch Johnny's spot on each television show that featured him, to listen to the talk-back radio programs he participated in, to read every interview printed in the newspapers. They thought she was besotted with her new husband. The truth was her secret insecurities compelled her to know precisely how Johnny performed, whether she was mentioned and what Johnny said about her and their marriage.

For the most part he diverted any questions about his private life, speaking with surprising passion about the plight of farmers and pastoralists, many of whom had worked the land for generations, benefiting all Australians. He reminded people of all the traditional poetry and songs that epitomised the hardships of country life, the culture of survival that was at the core of our patriotism.

'You've got to hand it to Johnny. He hits straight at the heart,' Ric commented appreciatively, while they were watching him perform on one current affairs program.

Yes, right at the heart of the anchorwoman who was interviewing him, Megan thought, watching the body language that shouted how very attractive she found him in every sense. And he was…charming, sincere, his voice an incredibly seductive tool, and all of him emanating so much sexual magnetism, the woman was turning into a melting marshmallow instead of living up to her reputation for being sharp and tough.