94- Panic

Edwardo waited patiently for Michael to finish his meeting with the city's creative planning department. With his entire afternoon open, he wasn't about to miss out on a prime date opportunity. Besides, he remembered Michael saying something about his friend's court case starting soon, and how he was supposed to testify as a witness. Once that got started they'd miss out on their afternoon activities for sure. Edwardo had offered to go to the courthouse with him as moral support, but Michael insisted he could handle it.

Edwardo wasn't too sure about that though. Sure, on the outside Michael seemed as cheerful and spunky as ever, but Edwardo had a sneaking suspicion at least some of it was getting to him. In fact, Michael hadn't quite seemed right since their fight. Granted, they still hadn't officially made up, and they haven't gotten to spend much time together since Edwardo got back, but something was definitely off.

His first clue was at Michael's friend's dinner. With a few years' experience wearing makeup for the camera at his work, he could tell Michael had applied a lot more of it under his eyes than he usually did. Plus, he ate way less than usual. Edwardo would have just chalked it up to Michael maybe not feeling well that day, but even today in his father's office he could tell something wasn't quite right. Even though Michael acted bright and alert, his eyes definitely told a different story. He had that same heavy natural makeup on today too.

Needless to say, Edwardo was determined to get to the bottom of it and make things alright again, even if Michael was still mad at him.

"Thanks! I'll work on those and send them over to you!" Michael came out of the meeting room with a last goodbye to the city's creative planning team. He was holding a sizeable packet of papers in his arms, and was genuinely surprised when he turned to see Edwardo waiting on him.

"I'll carry those for you." Edwardo took the papers with a smile. "It'll be a few days before my father can get your security detail worked out again, so I was wondering if I could take you out for a late lunch before I drop you off at home?"

Michael wasn't exactly hungry. Quite the opposite, in fact. But he knew he needed to eat, and if he refused he knew it was bound to make Edwardo worry. With everything going on, maybe a little distraction was just what he needed? He agreed with what he hoped passed for enthusiasm, and after making sure his coat was fastened against the cold, allowed himself to be led out to Edwardo's car.

"Anywhere in particular you want to go?" Edwardo asked after they'd gotten in.

"Oh, I'm not feeling picky today. I'll go wherever you want."

As Edwardo drove off, he put his plan in place to try and figure out what was wrong with his boyfriend. He figured the easiest thing would be to start out asking about the city's advertising campaign. He found out from Michael that the position was actually a very big deal. A huge grant had been awarded to the project, which would cover the cost of the studio space rental and even the cost of professional models. The payout per approved photograph was pretty high too.

Michael sighed, tension evident in his voice. "Problem is, I don't know how to work the digital camera they want me to use. I didn't have the heart to tell them all my social media stuff they liked was shot with my phone."

"I don't mind showing you how to use my digital camera. I'm sure they're not that different."

Michael let out another tense sigh. "Thanks."

Edwardo used his offer to suggest that they use the opportunity to take a few new couples pictures they could send to the competitor of the tabloid that ran the slash article. Michael's response was a monosyllabic "okay." The conversation was quickly becoming one-sided. Anything Edwardo asked was answered in three words or less. He didn't even get a response when he offered to buy Michael a new suit for his court appearance.

He heard a rapid thumping noise, and looked over to see Michael's leg bouncing. He didn't look well. Between the way Michael's eyes were shut tight, the way he was gripping his arms so tight the nailbeds were white, the way he was trying not to gasp for air…

Edwardo was already pulling into the closest parking lot before Michael covered his mouth, demanding "Stop the car! I'm gonna be sick!!!"

Michael practically flew out of the car before it was even in park, and dry-heaved into a nearby bush. Everything was too hot, too cold, too loud… He couldn't breathe! His chest hurt! Was he dying? He had to be dying! Make it stop! Make it STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!

"Michael, listen to me."

Edwardo's voice was muffled by the roaring in his ears. When did he get out of the car?

"Michael, you're okay. I promise. Listen to me, okay? Focus on my voice."

He was trying! He was trying so hard! The world was spinning! Everything was too loud!

"Michael, you're having a panic attack. You need to take slow, deep breaths, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth."

He couldn't! It was impossible! His body wasn't listening! Tears streamed down his face as he continued gasping for air. His face started tingling, going numb.

"Michael, I'm going to touch you, okay? I'm putting my hand on your shoulder, okay? Let's try walking a little bit. It'll help you burn off some of that energy. You're okay. Just focus on your breathing, I promise I won't let you fall. In two three… Out two three… In two three… Good."

Eyes shut tight against that horrible spinning sensation, Michael let himself be guided to take a few shaky steps. He tried to match his breathing to the pattern Edwardo was calling out. It wasn't easy. His body wasn't listening. He hugged himself tight, willing this horrible nightmare to be over. No matter what Edwardo was insisting, he knew he wasn't okay. He stumbled, tripping over his own feet, and sure enough Edwardo caught him firmly by the shoulders, keeping him upright and urging him to take a few more steps.

"You're doing great. Keep your breathing nice and slow, just like that. In two three… Out two three…"

Michael did as he was told. Slowly, so agonizingly slowly, it got easier to breathe to the pattern Edwardo set. His steps became just a little bit more sure as the spinning slowed down. The numb and tingling feeling in his face started going away. He peeked his eyes open a little, and immediately regretted it. Definitely couldn't do that yet. He let Edwardo continue to guide him blindly.

"Hey Michael, did you notice there's a lot of red cars in this parking lot? Let's see… there's one, two, three, four, five… ah, that one over there makes six! So, six red cars in the parking lot."

Michael couldn't figure out what Edwardo was talking about, what did red cars have to do with anything?

"And there's a bunch of pigeons at the other end of the parking lot. One of them has all white feathers. Can you see it?"

Michael peeked his eyes open to look at the pigeons. Sure enough, there was a single white one. The world wasn't spinning as much, but it was still a little bright. The 'too much energy and I'm going to die' feeling was quickly being replaced by an 'I have no energy and I'm going to die' feeling. At least it was easier to breathe now. He realized the cold air was stinging his tear-streaked face. He tried focusing on that feeling, the strong but gentle grip Edwardo had on his shoulders, and the action of putting one foot in front of the other.

"Looks like there's three stores that use this parking lot. Theres a pet store, a tax place, and I think the last one's empty. Are you feeling any better now? Have you calmed down some?"

Michael nodded dumbly.

"Good. Can you tell me something about where we are? Something about the landscape?"

Michael scraped together a little bit of his energy to focus on Edwardo's request. "Ah… There's… there's four… Ah, four streetlamps…?"

"Let's see, one, two, three, four. Yup, you're right. There's four streetlamps. When do streetlamps come on?"

"Um… at night…?" Michael more asked than replied.

Edwardo asked him to point out a few more things, always asking a follow up question. It didn't take long for Michael to realize the seemingly inane exchange was helping him calm down much faster. Soon enough, all that terrible energy was gone, taking all the rest of his energy with it. It wouldn't be a lie to say he was relying heavily on Edwardo keeping him upright.

"Eddie… I want… to go back… to the car…" Michael tried very hard not to slur his words.

"Okay, we'll start heading back to the car. It's not too far, do you want to walk, or do you want me to carry you?"

Michael sniffed. The cold air and the panic attack had started his nose running. He wasn't crying. At least, he was trying not to. "Carry me…?"

"Okay, Mi Dolcito. I'm going to pick you up now, okay?"

Edwardo scooped Michael up in a single fluid motion, cradling him close before making his way back to the car. Michael was still trembling a little, though whether it was from the cold or the last little bit of the panic attack it was hard to tell.

"Sorry…" Michael whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Edwardo assured, setting Michael down gently to open the car door. "Do you think you're okay now?"

Michael nodded, accepting the offered help to sit down. "Scary… Feel awful…"

Edwardo crouched down, fishing a handkerchief out of his pocket to start dabbing at the tears on Michael's face, and try to clean up some of his ruined makeup. "I know. I know a panic attack isn't any fun. You did good though. I promise the scary part is over."

"How'd'you know…?"

"My roommate in collage always got them around midterms and finals, about as bad as the one you just had. And I've had a few mild ones myself. What you need most right now is rest, okay?"

Edwardo pet Michael's head affectionately. To say Michael looked rough was an understatement. He didn't even look half as bad when he was drunk off his ass on their first date. His makeup was smeared and smudged, revealing dark circles under his eyes. And his eyes themselves were nearly lifeless. If Edwardo didn't know what just happened, he'd totally be rushing Michael to the emergency room right now.

"I don't mind postponing our lunch plans," Edwardo continued. "And we can worry about all that other stuff later. A hot shower and a long nap will help you feel much better. Do you want me to take you back to your house, or do you want to come over to mine?"

Michael thought about it a moment. The cold outside air was starting to get to him, and he tried not to start shivering. He just knew if he started shivering, that awful shaky feeling would come back. If he went home, he'd be by himself. His parents weren't getting home until late tonight. He didn't want to be alone. He desperately didn't want to be alone.

"Wanna go… t' your house…"