Chapter Four

Lines of Love; Chapter Four

Astra/

My recovery was easy and people encourage me to keep going, even I was encouraging myself. But I couldn't accept it either way because I was weak once more. Dan tried to remind me of things I had forgotten but it's hard to believe when you are this far down. Eventually, things just sound like pity instead of encouragement I often wish things had not been so chaotic. A war inside my mind while my body is also at war with itself, I feel so torn but I made it through recovery. That's when things felt normal mostly between Gina and me but things continued moving fast. Soon I was interviewed by Greg and Kathy since this was for Abigail, I took the questions and the jabs. It took some time but I convinced them and now our home is full.

Gina is happy having a child now, she's a good mom. I just wish I could accept this was my life because I look around and I feel doubt setting inside of me again. Just another war for me to hold at bay either way, but the hardest part was my work. I hated watching them run it was unfair and I had become a petty person, I tried running but I just can't. I see the eyes and looks I get, all of them are looking at me with pity and sympathy. So I took a medical leave to preserve my sanity but it didn't work, so many thoughts I just can't handle. So I took a few extra pills given for pain,  just to breathe freely for a short time. Gina has become worried and more cautious when approaching me but I don't blame her, we never had so many fights before. I try to control myself but it's so difficult to do, even when we talk trying to figure it out we just can't grasp it.

We love each other but life never easy on us and I can't help but believe I'm the reason. I tried calling Cait and Victoria for help but they never answered me. I took a walk to their place but they weren't home that's when a neighbor told me they went on vacation. If Gina can't help me and they are gone who do I turn to, where do I go for help. I tried calling Jean but he didn't answer either which is expected everyone has a life, that keeps them busy I know but it's also lonely. I can't help but feel like I have become too dependent on everyone around me I just wish I knew if that was my weakness or strength. I decided to head home but on the way, I took a detour right into the next problem I wasn't ready for, my brother. He was working at the park cleaning up things I tried to hurry past him but he called out to me.

I tried to breathe so I could stay calm but it wasn't working, again I heard him call my name. I felt it again the adrenaline feeling when it takes over, it was consuming me fully. When his hand touched my shoulder I just reacted this time I meant to knock him down, last time may have been a mistake but not this time.

"Stay the hell away from... You have no idea how hard it is to keep control right now.

" Wait, Astra... Please just let me apologize I-"

" Enough... You had many chances, you are too late Percy. I don't owe you or them any more chances... You should have been there when I needed you."

The venom in my words hurt even me but I was still riding that adrenaline high I once loved. Hitting him made me feel so much better my mind was clear even as the adrenaline faded. Seeing him brought back the memory of what he and Gina did, which made it worse but I stayed mostly in control. When I got home Gina was packing some clothes for herself and Abigail, then I saw my suitcase and bags.

" Astra... My mothers having difficulties so I wanna go visit her, I figured we could go together with Aby."

I wanted to but after what I have been dealing with, what I have done, I couldn't do that to them, I wasn't myself at all.

" You two enjoy yourselves I wanna try to find work, or something.. Give your mom my best Hun. And you be on your best behavior okay"

I could tell she didn't think much of what I said but I'm sure she was worried about her mother. At least I can find the me she fell in love with again, because I know I'm slipping so fast. Once they had left it was time to fix whatever's wrong with me so I called Joy asking if I could meet her to talk. She gave me an address to a place I never heard of, for some reason Joy has always been there for me. I'm sure she would have been there even before now if I had reached out to her. The place she wanted to meet me was at a place called Dario's boxing circle she's been taking care of the place for the owner who's gotten a little sickly lately. It gives her a break and to be closer to Cassie do I'm sure this was a good choice. I wish I had such judgments like that, to know what's good or bad.

When I arrived Joy was already using a punching bag, she had good form but I guess I never saw her body like this before either. I couldn't believe I was staring so hard but luckily she called out to me.

" Astra, you made it."

" Yea nice place you have here."

" It works when I need to relieve my stress... Keeps me from losing my head I guess, Come on."

She was beckoning me to the punching bag and I couldn't help but feel curious. If it helps her doing all this would it work for me in the same way. This gym was a little hot but I had to take my jacket off regardless before I could start. I felt a little embarrassed at first and I wasn't taking part as I wanted. Joy guided me to stand properly and how to use my hips when I punch the bag, I knew some of this but her showing me felt a little weird. But I didn't say anything I just kept going that's when my adrenaline was slowly spiking, I was getting more involved. My hands striking faster than previously I even managed to keep the stance Joy put me in. She and I were sides by side striking at the punching bags and my adrenaline was keeping me focused on the task before me. After two hours we finally took a break mostly because of the heat, Joy was laughing at the dedication I had. She wanted to show me some other things I could use here but it was hot so I decided to take my top off without thinking. All I know I just had a steady adrenaline rush going and it wasn't fading like it normally does when I'm angry.

We both ended up hitting a speed bag next and she turned it into a contest of sorts. So I agreed to it even if it felt a little childish, but I did notice or feel her eyes every so often on me. I didn't pay it much mind but ever since I felt her eyes on me it got hotter in here. I guess it didn't help that she was also stripping down a little more, when she took her shirt off I could help but lose my pacing. It was the first time I saw her body and she was beyond toned, I was entranced by it till she laughed at me. I felt so embarrassed so I just went back to the punching bag but ultimately she won the contest, I couldn't believe the heat inside this place. I guess Joy is used to it but it was something new for me, but I did feel less stressed with such a workout. I even forgot what I wanted to talk to her about which got another laugh from her, I hadn't realized it was so late either. She told me I could sleep here and go home in the morning. Her sales pitch was this place had large shower rooms and a nice bed. Something I had to try out according to Joy but I agreed anyway since home was empty atm anyway.