I needed change

I was dozing off, but now I can't sleep. The only reason I dated McKayla is that she was nice to me. We were friends before and agreed to be after. However, despite our agreement, we didn't get along in the end. She started spreading rumors about me after she gained my trust by us ending it mutually. I never wanted to hate her, but I also never wanted to date her either when I think about it. I just don't get why. I did have a huge crush on my friend Megan, she was so sweet and we were so close. But I was moving, so I saw less of her. I felt sad when I was moving, but happy at the same time. I would miss Megan, but I wasn't sure about McKayla.

Moving away from McKayla isn't what made me happy. It was the fact that I needed change in my life and good change too. I don't usually like change, I despise it. However, I was willing to make an exception. I was in that town for thirteen years. I moved there when I was three, making this place the third place I've lived. It's a bit of a bigger city, but not too big. I could handle it, I needed a bit of change. And honestly, a new beginning sounded great to me. Mom and Dad were surprised when I was perfectly ok with the move. Yeah, I would miss some of my friends. But I also wanted to meet new people. It's rare for me, but I was a little desperate.

I felt a little bit better, but I still couldn't get Megan off of my mind. Did I still like her? I would often think of her after the move, then Laureen distracted me. She helped me feel better. I didn't miss her as much when I was with Laureen and thinking about her. But, I still miss her so much. My heart aches without her, but I like Laureen, right? I told her I did but did I mean it? I'm not so sure anymore, but she would make my heart skip a beat, but the absence of Megan made it ache. Well, if I had to choose between the two of them...

No! That's not going to happen. Just don't think about it, it's not that important right now. What's important is getting to sleep. But I can't. I was dozing off, but my memories and thoughts just won't stop. Just like my mother's expectations, they're choking me. It's always on my mind, and I can't concentrate. Like Mom said, why can't I do anything right? I guess I am just a disappointment.

So what if I am? Besides, who says she's right? But I have that little part of me, like the part that wants to not believe something, but knows it's true. The horrible truth, what a fun subject.

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like a part of me tells me one thing, but another tells me the opposite. I feel like I can't go to my parents, especially Mom. I trust Dad a little bit more every day, he's been so nice and supporting. I wonder if I could come out to him. Mom is a no-go though. I don't trust her. But I sort of feel bad. Mostly guilty, but the same thing in this case. Why haven't I realized Dad's kindness until now? Why haven't I realized he's a good parent? Why did it take sixteen, almost seventeen, years to know that? He deserves more than a disappointment for a daughter and a witch wife. Why does he have it bad, but he is still happy?

There's a knock on my bedroom door and I have a mini heart attack. Why am I being bothered at this time? What time is it? Why the hell am I being disturbed at 3:18 am?! My door is still locked, what do I do? I turned my lamp off after I got off the phone, so they might think I'm still asleep. But what if they try to get in, taking advantage of me sleeping to come in? What would they do?

"Grace..." Mom's sad voice comes through the door. Why is she here?