Chapter 6

*Sunshine's point of view*

I slam the door behind me, but I step on Dally's foot, who was probably getting ready in the hallway to leave to work.

'Watch where you're going?' She yells and wants to say more but swallows her words as she realises it was me.

I keep going as fast I can, wanting to get to my room. I fortunately close the door and lock it before Dally can take of her shoes, run after me and answer a text on her way up. She nervously starts knocking at my door but I don't make a sound. Instead, I silently start taking the bandages off my foot.

'Sun, open the door, come on. I'm sorry, I thought you were Devon.' She's not the reason I'm mad. To be honest, I have no idea if the fact that Josh is painfully right upsets me more than the fact that he just exists.

'Sunny? Come out. I didn't mean to mention the word 'watch' and... '

'It's okay, Dal.' I whisper to her through the door. 'I promise.'

I hear her sighing and leaving my door. I lie in my bed and try to hold my tears for a little longer. It's not in my nature to cry in front of anyone, especially in front of a stranger. I hate to admit that, no matter how much I'd want to have the arguments to fight back, Josh is right and my family could be hurt because of me. I always thought that if I try to seem independent and brave in every circumstance, they would be proud of me and relieved that they don't have to take care of me all the time.

I used to say to myself that I'm normal, that I can use my ears, nose and touch to replace my eyes. Dally was trying to encourage me saying, 'Who needs eyes anyway, right? You're not cursed to see all the badness in this world!', still at night, after a whole day of playing the role of a brave little girl, I was crying my eyes out. I couldn't understand why was everything so dark for me. While growing up, all the pain started to fade, leaving just little stains of it that daily remind me what I'm going through, but it doesn't hurt anymore. It's more like an acceptance that came defeated after all the struggling. And it's stone cold.

And as if she knew, even if I would've never had the courage to express, someone knocks at my door and I know it's mom. I get up and open the door, then rush myself into her arms.

'I'm sorry, mom. I just wanted to make it easier for you. I didn't want you or dad to worry for me...'

'Dear, what is going on?'

Like a little baby, sobbing and making mom laugh at me, I tell her how hard it was and is for me to live the life I want, and how achieved I feel when I manage things alone, but how sorry I am that I didn't let her help me when she wanted to. That's all I feel free and comfortable to say to her. There's something in me that doesn't let me take down yet all the walls that I've built. But she doesn't ask me anything, and this makes me hurt even more because, with Josh's words sounding in my mind, I realise she would want to say more but she doesn't want my usual rejection.

'I wish I could tell you to look me in the eyes, dear, but I understand you. You do not need to feel sorry for it, it's normal for everyone to have a will of proving itself strong. I don't doubt that all you wanted was to help us have peace.' Mom says in her sweet voice.

'I did it my whole life. I can't change it, mom.'

She grabs one of my shoulders with one hand and my chin with the other.

'You are beautiful, my redhead. I see myself in you all the time, and I suggest you to trust me that I can help you sometimes. It's good to be decided and tough, life demands it. But accepting help from a loved one never killed anyone, I'm sure.'

I smile and nod, hoping that she is assured I'll do my best to act different.

'Thanks, mom.' She hugs me thight and kisses me on my forehead.

As mom leaves my room, I feel a huge need to get some air and go downstairs to take a walk. Winston is smoking outside, coughing occasionally and whistling low.

'Winston? Would you mind to walk with me?'

He gets up all of a sudden and coughs harder this time.

'Of course, miss.'

I always thought of him as my grandfather, because of his always white hair and warm voice, and because he was here with us since forever. He knows everything about us, we all trust him and we honestly don't know what we'd do without him around. His simple presence makes me feel safe.

'Are you alright, miss?'

He asked me this after Josh left as well, but I only told him that I'm having a tough time understanding myself. I guess he heard everything I talked to Josh. I tighten my coat's drawstring and open my walking stick.

'Yes, Winston. We all have bad moments, not the end of the world.' I whisper as the wind is gently reaching my cheeks.

I feel a leaf stucking in my hair and I take it and crush it in my palm.

'Yes, miss.'

His quiet way of agreeing with me makes me realise he has something more to say. The weather is beautiful.

'Where's your family?' I ask him trying to remember if I ever heard him talking about them.

'Well, my wife passed a long time ago, before you were able to walk. I have a daughter, about miss Dally's age, but we don't speak. She lives in another state.'

'I'm sorry, but why did she leave?'

He sighs deeply, and I almost tell him that I don't want to force him into talking about things that still hurt, when he starts telling me the story.

'When Marina died, she was desperate. She wasn't coming home for days, spending her time with her friends, stealing my money... She couldn't bare the thought of not seeing her mother for the rest of life. I never got the chance to assure her that I'm still able to be her father, that no matter what happens she will have me by her side. She left one night and never came back.'

The way he talks about her, the love, heartbreak and pain I can hear in his voice is making a tear fall down my face. I never thought that this man who serves my family so patiently, who takes us wherever we want and is a part of what we are after all, our Winston, could have such a hard time behind that kind voice.

'Winston, I am so sorry.' Is all that I could say and I feel his light fatherly touch on my shoulder. 'If there is anything that I can do for you, anything, because you've always done your best for us, let me know.'

He doesn't say anything, Devon calling him to ask for a ride. I am blessed, I have my entire family around me, overwhelming me with care sometimes, but I still push them away. How can I be so ungrateful, so careless? I can do more than just to stay alive for them, I can be loving and open. I should start living my life as a winner, not a defeater. I can see in other ways too.