Chapter 10

Forward

Am 11 year now,still in school which sucks. Am still manipulative and an attention seeker but now I love my personal space. After what happened with so many people I found that being alone is far less stressful than being around people.

I love being around people, getting there attention and all that but now I crave being alone. It started slowly by reducing my words and trying to conseal my presence. I once was in a room and they were all talking, soon someone said something that I shouldn't have heard and it took like a whole 5 minutes for them to realize I was in the room. What I noticed is that less words you say in a conversation with many people the less people will remember about your presence while conversating.

And the less you say the more you hear. I talked like an audio tape with no breaks before until I realized that most people don't want to be around someone that always talks about their selves and also talking reveals alot about your self. It got to a point that everyone knew what's was going on in my life and when you talk a lot you naturally run out of things to say, so you look for more things to say and before you know it, your making up stories that don't exist just to keep your audience. Some might believe your made up stories but not all people are fools,yes they might agree with you in person but behind your back they will sheer and laugh at your lies you call stories and how stupid you are for actually thinking they believe your lies.

Along the way I heard alot of nasty things people said about me and some people even started avoiding me. Do you know how hard it is to keep up a lie,well it's very hard. To maintain a lie you have to keep lying to make it look like the truth, so everyday I made sure that I didn't forget any lie I told someone and I also planed lies to cover up my previous ones,while forming new stories so I wouldn't lose my audience.

Am sure my blood pressure would had been through the roof because of how much I think. And whenever I tell people that I think a lot they would always say"what's a small girl like you thinking,do you have a family,children…then what are you thinking about" It was very annoying when someone said this especially when I forgot to do something or was absent minded.

The thinking stress went on for a while before I decided that is time to make a change so I made plans to give myself more space.

Firstly I started by excluding myself from activities. Anytime someone asked if I wanted to join them to play or invite me to participate in a group conversation I would make up an excuse and politely decline. This happened for a while then people just stopped asking. So during breaks I would either be taking a nap or reading a book, I limited going outside during breaks because it would be easy to be dragged to participate in one or two things. Sometimes the teacher would forced me to go out during breaks in hopes that I would mingle with my pears but instead I found a secluded place to hide inorder to pass time,then after the break I would mess up my clothes a little to make it look like I played,this gradually fooled the teachers and everyone.

Secondly I started limiting my interaction with people,I didn't talk unless I was spoken to, which I did both at home and at school. I turned to the quiet and reserved kid who teachers always make reference to when talking about good conduct. My parents got worried at first when I became quiet all of a sudden but they later concluded that puberty was the reason for my sudden changes.

I finally got to have my space. For the first time I could finally hear my self think.I didn't have to deal with the stress of lying anymore and I became a good listener. People started coming to ask me for advice while some just needed someone to listen to them. My o my the things you realize when you listen is huge,I got a lot of information from just listening.

Though sometimes I wished that people would invite me to events or include me in some activities but I soon gave up on that wish because I didn't want to go back to my old life and I didn't want to give up my space.

I loved being alone and I enjoyed my company though I had more funny being around love ones I still had fun alone. I found joy in looking at the sky,going on a walk,reading a book or just being alone.

I loved the silent and the feeling of knowing that no one is around.

After I interacted with anyone whether strangers or a loved one I always craved my alone time,I was like a battery that needed to be recharged and I got that by being alone. It like a time to heal from the stress of interacting.