Afraid to Feel

Ah Zhen! Ah Ma so proud of you! Wow so handsome your Er Ge show me the video!

Ray was on a video call with his grandma. He had just completed his regional tour to promote his launch before heading off a few weeks on his own trip sometime off.

The launch was successful, Uncle Li had nothing to say, grandpa and his brothers gave thumbs up and it was really worth every possible effort he had put in.

Being on the plane alone, just peaceful and looking forward to the trip it self was worth every effort.

While he waited for the plane to take off, he took out his eyes shades and ear plugs putting them on.

This quiet comfort....allows him think about his next trajectory. He closed his eyes and thought back how things had turn out between him and Yi Ren that day at the dance studio.

"I can't make it up what is it that is bothering you.....since the times we were away together, we were fine and then you started distancing when I told you that your brother and I are mutual friends....we didn't get to talk about it" Yi Ren asked "and what's with you ....with your past and Jon, who is he to you...I really want to know, we managed to put everything behind but why does it keep bothering you"

Ray stopped and look at him....He felt Yi Ren's breath so close to him and the smell of his familiar scent, and yet he questioned in his heart how would he need to answer Yi Ren.

"I don't think i need to answer you that..."Ray answered back

"What are you avoiding....that story you wrote...you blame yourself for everything but then .....but you said you found happiness like how he would want you to, but you are afraid to feel again....." Yi Ren kept going on.

"Ray, what are you afraid of?" Yi Ren said as he drop his stare further moving closer Ray.

"No! It wasn't...you've mistaken." Ray said he was himself confused when he had written it. He missed Jon but because Jon was really like a close family member ....it was different with Yi Ren and he had to put a hard stop  to not allow for any further misunderstanding. "It was...just a story"

"Was it? Yi Ren asked as he moved in starring deeper into Ray's eyes such that Ray could feel his breath under him.

"You painted the times we were together that you manage to smile back ....and that you never knew what these feelings were. You wrote what you felt clearly. You said it was different and you drew your feelings out in those words" Yi Ren was not letting go, he was persistently pushing for an answer.

"You said that you found a great connection in us and that you were glad to have me at the most difficult times ...., these were the words you said then you decided to play cool after.....then why did you responded, why did you lead me on knowing that I had a different view of our relationship?"

Ray is getting uncomfortable with this conversation and Yi Ren's behaviour at this stage. He tried to move from his grip but Yi Ren wanted answers ....answers he wasn't sure how to give.

Answers that Ray wasn't sure exactly what he felt ....He wanted Yi Ren to be himself, not pressured by anyone or his family yet in his heart he knew it's somehow not right to feel this way with Yi Ren. The stereotyping, perception ....

"I want to go back to those times Ray, I know it's selfish of me to ask that of you, but you gave me a strong sense then we were really more than just ordinary friends and business partners, way more .....Ray". Yi Ren's words opened up those unspoken moments Ray had shoved away.

Ray's heart beat started pounding at every spoken words. Did he wrongly respond to Yi Ren's move earlier, he thought ....he wasn't sure anymore.

"I'm not him.....so don't tell me I'm just filling in the void because what I feel is more" Yi Ren added

"I didn't like it that you did not not tell me upfront about certain things .....that you were sent by my brothers" Ray explained.

"I held on to what we have fostered over there when we were away from here ...I was extremely grateful to have you there and letting my deepest thought out sharing them with you. But it all came crashing down when I realised my thoughts were all just too ideal and that you were just there on behalf of my family" Ray said further

"I was initially operating on that mode, but that doesn't change the fact I learn to know who you are through you, and it changed my course of just wanting to know you more and just taking you as who you are, and I want to continue to do that." Yi Ren said.

With that Yi Ren move in closer to catch Ray....they had shared similar moments and the signal that Ray sent was confusing....Yi Ren wasn't sure if Ray was just taking the comfort he needed but Yi Ren was willing to risk it again.

Ray avoided Yi Ren's advance and stepped back until his back reached the wall...he froze at that, no where to go. The pounding heart that he had avoided came back, the guilt that he had buried causes further confusion, the frustration on his feelings of what he thinks is right or wrong, the doubt about Yi Ren. Ray had labelled it as 'his own irresponsible actions' back then and he doesn't want to take the wrong steps again but before he could free himself up Yi Ren violated into his lips just like the first time before....and it made him confused.

The warm feeling of Yi Ren's lip searching for his...the warmth of Yi Ren's body on his and Yi Ren's harden self below and his ....that he felt, made his heart weaker. It was this same feeling that had troubled him. His fondness for this close friend and partner had now taken a different route. He was confused yet deep inside there was a subtle yearning to feel more.