Chapter 48 - Who is the real perpetrator?

We didn't have much time to speak. Those few words were all he said before he left me alone again. I was left with too many questions and no answers at all. I spent days and days in and out of interrogations. I would be lying if I said I didn't have any expectations. After having been told by Helios that he had faith in me, hope started blooming in my heart. Without any reason I found myself thinking that he would get me out of here, that he would prove my innocence and set me free. It was a double edged sword as it was perhaps the only thing that kept me going, but it was also continually making me more and more anxious. Disappointment was brewing within me and as time passed, it was bubbling over. But I had hope, and that was all I needed. I always felt that asking for more leaves you with nothing. So when I received the faith of those I loved I stopped asking for things, lest the world realises that I received more than I deserve.

I was unsure of whether my unawareness of the passing of time was a blessing or a curse. With no indication of night and day, the hours blending into one another seamlessly through interviews long enough to tie a noose around my neck, I couldn't even be sure of the pace at which the days were passing. All around me was darkness and artificial lighting. I couldn't even say how long I would get to sleep, all I knew was that it wasn't enough. My body was struggling to recover, instead I found it deteriorating despite my best efforts to stay healthy. To make things much more difficult, no mirrors were offered to me in case I would try to harm myself with them so I couldn't be sure of exactly how present the fatigue was on my face. However, I could be certain that I was wearing away slowly. It was gradual in a way that wasn't noticeable unless you really paid attention. Small things like the way my muscles were beginning to give way to softness were the only indications I had of almost anything, whether it be my health or the passage of time.

Everything I was doing felt like a struggle. Just getting up was requiring more energy than it should have. Slower than the process of this entire investigation was my body that was becoming sluggish. More times than I would like to admit, I wondered whether I was still alive. After having to kill all of my emotions to avoid crying in front of these people who feed off of my pain, I wasn't sure what was left of me. Physically I was dying, mentally I might as well have died. What was the use in holding me here for a death row when I was already serving the sentence in a crueler manner? I was glad that those times of pain would not last too long, not long enough for me to surrender to fate. Every time I felt like giving up, I would remember the faces of those who believed in me and were waiting for me to return home. I couldn't disappoint them like this when they were doing their all for me. Though I could see them or hear from them, I knew that they were doing everything they could to ensure my safety. In that situation, how could I disregard my health? When I would leave I would embrace everyone. When I would leave I would see the smiles on their faces and tears of joy. When I would hold their hands the world would finally be right again. Everything was resting on the one word of 'when'. It was funny even to me, how someone who generally focused on the present and the certain was now basing everything on hypothetical situations. I was holding onto the possibility like a lifeline.

Change was inevitable but I couldn't help feeling like I was only a small remnant of my past self. I had lost so much in being forced into loneliness and it was hard to bring back my previous gusto. Taking in hope like morphine I was numbing the pain for as long as possible. But numbing the pain never solved the problem. At the root of all of it, I was still broken. I was essentially escaping and maybe that's all I was really good at. Confronting my problems was never my forte, I much preferred running away from everything. Despite it all, I was getting addicted to the feeling of hope. I was feeding myself delusions that I knew would not come true. My imagination was too extravagant and yet too concise. Countless times I would forge realities and run away to the safe place in my mind, because here there was no pain. This house I built myself would only contain things that brought happiness as a welcoming gift and was strongly guarded from that which may pain me. I was marrying my fantasies and the dowry was the will to live which I was being paid tenfold.

Eventually I was visited by someone other than the numerous monsters in my sleep.

"Hello." It was Helios again, though I suppose it makes sense as he would be one of the few people to actually have the authority to come and visit me like this.

"I have something I need to tell you but I don't have much time so listen carefully." He was speaking in a rushed voice like there was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. It didn't help that he was constantly looking to his right and left to make sure no one was here, and whispering to avoid any ears. The secrecy of it all concerned me.

"What is it?" I asked slowly, apprehensive about what could have caused him to look as shaken as he did right now. It wasn't something I had seen before so it felt unnatural to see Helios so jittery. Sure, I had seen him upset and angry and almost every other emotion possible as we grew up together, but this fear was not one I was familiar with. My brain was firing and instilling the same fear within me even though I had no idea exactly what was happening. All I knew was that if he had a reason to feel like this, then I had reason to feel significantly worse. Whatever it was, was not good and that was enough to extinguish the small flame of hope that he had lit up the last I had seen him.

"As you recommended, I had my father's private investigators look into the rumours from earlier and also the poisoning case, as they're highly likely to be correlated." He exhaled deeply and buried his head in his hands before continuing. This wasn't the time for a cliffhanger and the anxiety was gnawing at me.

"And?" I asked impatiently. I didn't have time to wait around especially since he himself told me so. I needed him to tell me exactly how it was and quickly so that I could understand the situation we were in.

"And it's more complicated than we had initially expected..." He was quiet and if he himself didn't want to hear the words leaving his mouth.

"Complicated in what way?" As I asked, he looked up at me with a face that seemed as if he didn't have any intention of telling me the truth. When I was with him I was feeling myself come back to reality, allowing myself to express emotions as a 'normal' human should. I couldn't raise my voice in case others use it as an excuse to intrude on us so I began speaking through gritted teeth, not hiding my anger but minimising it to keep it out of the ears of others.

"You do know that this is explicitly about me and directly affects me, right? It's literally a life or death situation so if you could, just tell me what you know. I'll decide just how complicated it is after hearing everything."

"... From what I've found out, it was all Sophia." I heard Helios say her name but my brain wasn't registering it. I couldn't comprehend why she would do any of this. It was difficult enough having to deal with her appearance as she was an anomaly, but now she was acting in a manner dramatically different from the past. She and I had little to no contact because I was concerned about what kind of person she was. I was constantly worried that I might be misjudging her but it seems as though that concern was pointless. In trying to convince myself that I was a good person, all I did was hurt myself and those around me. That was the worst part of all of this; I could have prevented it all had I acted on my gut instinct. If I hadn't tried to masquerade as a self righteous person, Elina wouldn't have been in pain and none of this would have happened. All of my claims of innocence felt useless in the face of the truth. I could have done something to stop this, even if I wasn't sure I could have been careful to protect everyone. No, I should have been careful, there was no two ways about it. I neglected something so blatantly obvious for no reason other than self gratification.

Seeing my silence, Helios continued to provide me with all of the information that I wished I hadn't heard.

"I'm not sure how much you know about this but she seems to have an... unhealthy obsession for Adelphos. It - It seems that she targeted Elina because of that. I mean I can't even begin to make sense of trying to assassinate a princess of another Empire for a reason as petty as that, there must be something I'm not aware of yet -" He was rambling to try and sort out everything in his mind but I cut him off.

"No. It makes complete sense that she would do that." With each word he spoke, my stomach dropped further. I couldn't help but think that I could have stopped all of this. None of what he was saying was new information. I was well aware of her strange obsession and of her tendency to turn jealousy into something extremely malicious. Out of everyone, I was perhaps the only person that knew her well enough to be cautious of her and yet I brushed it aside. Her doting family had spoiled her such that she never knew how to healthily deal with rejection. I was well aware that this could result in her harming anyone that stood in her way, firm in the belief that her father would take her side regardless. Sometimes it was better to be ignorant because at least then I wouldn't be able to blame myself as I was doing right now. If I hadn't heard all of this from Helios, would I still have been able to maintain my will to live or was it only a matter of time before it vanished into thin air? All I knew was that right now I felt nothing but disgusted at myself. I wanted to be proven innocent, not for myself but to punish Sophia. If anything I wanted to be punished alongside her. I was seeking pain so that it could wash me free of my guilt. She wasn't the only one unable to deal with emotions properly, I suppose we were similar in that sense.

"I'm sorry..." He ones again looked at me with an apologetic, guilt-ridden face but this time I didn't feel like a victim in any way.

"I'm not sure whether we will be able to bring her to trial. I don't want it to be like this either but you understand don't you? We can't afford to imprison her and then have the Empire of Albard declare war on us. We simply wouldn't survive such an incident! I just - I don't understand what to do. I understand that it's a grave injustice to you but..."

"Stop." I stop him mid-sentence. "Let me talk this through and see if I'm understanding correctly. Sophia spread rumours about me so that she could then carry out an assassination on Elina and escape suspicion. While you, your father and those working for you are aware of this, no one else is yet aware of this knowledge. Should it come out, there would be public outcry unless she was imprisoned. If she was imprisoned however, the empire of Albard who love her dearly would retaliate and our military force would not stand a chance. They would be pummeled to the ground. Am I correct?"

"... Yes." There was obvious shame colouring his face though I'm not sure why. None of what had happened was his fault; if anything I should have been the one to lower my head in shame. It must be because he has a strong sense of responsibility and justice, it was one of the things I loved about him but I wasn't ignorant of the fact that it was extremely burdensome for him.

"Well then, what's the plan?" I looked at him, trying to hide all of my true emotions. I was aware that he knew I was pretending to be strong but that didn't matter. In the midst of all of this, honesty would not do us any good. We were lying to each other and ourselves, pretending to be brave when we were gradually lowering ourselves into our graves.

Time remaining: 3 days