Chapter 2- Plan

After spending a lovely breakfast with my newfound friend Anna, I decided it was time for me to start writing down everything I know about the otome game. I had told Anna that I would like some time alone and she quickly understood and left the room to do her work. 

Otoge: In the shadows 

Setting: The academy she gets admitted to at age 16, boarding

Main character default name: Elina Sinclair

Age at the start of the game: 16 (current age: 14)

Characteristics:

 -blonde

 -blue eyes

 -tall

 -slim 

-wavy hair

Family:

Father: Thomas Sinclair (Emperor)

Mother: Amelia Sinclair (deceased)

Brother: Helios Sinclair (18 years old)

Best friends: Charlotte Hart and May Croce

Goal in life: help others in any way possible 

Main characteristic: soft, naive, kind, intelligent

Number of capture targets 4:

- Dimitris Croce (17) brother of May Croce, meets Elina at age 16 and falls in love at first sight

- Nicholas Slater (16) same class as Elina 

- Adelphos Gabris (18) Helios' friend and villainess' brother, has known Elina since she was 7

- Theodore Vitalis (16) - baron's son, gets engaged to villainess <Persephone Gabris (16)> same class as Elina and friends with Nicholas 

Trying to recall details of future events was proving to be extremely difficult for me. Although I could remember the main characters and their relationships with one another, trying to remember anything else would cause a slight pain behind my eyes. It felt as though I was being told that life would not be so easy to me, as to give me a cheat sheet. Instead of agonising over the details through painstakingly wracking my brain, I decided to stop for today. For now I had all of the main information I needed. I can try to recall more information such as specific events in the future, but at the moment I felt comfortable with the knowledge that I knew enough. At the very least, I knew the names of everyone I had to avoid. My brother was going to be the hardest to avoid given that we live in the same house and are constantly at each others throats. If I couldn't do that, then perhaps I can get between him and Elina before his feelings grow. 

I closed the notebook and collapsed onto my bed. I closed my eyes, thinking of every possible scenario I could imagine for how I ended up here, but nothing felt logical. No scenario any more realistic than the other. Once I realised that I was doing nothing but running in circles to find an answer to something which makes no sense, I cleared my thoughts. It's an amazing self defence mechanism, cutting me off from myself. Dissociating well enough that I can stop almost all thoughts and emotions from being experienced. Like that, I allowed myself to simple do nothing at all, to pass the hours in a state of half consciousness.

I spent my time until lunch basking in the sunlight beaming into my room, and casting a glow over my being. I could see my hair becoming vibrant as though it had become fire which was dancing along my collarbones and chest. I felt light and soft and vulnerable and everything and nothing at the same time. I just felt until there was nothing left except Anna carefully shaking me awake from where sleep had secretly taken me. 

"My lady it's time for lunch" she whispered while gently shaking me. 

"Okay" I groaned as I stretched my arms above my head, slowly sitting up and resting against the headboard. 

"Will you be eating lunch in your bedroom as well?"

"Yes, that'd be preferable. Could you notify my family if they ask where I am?"

"Okay, I shall go bring your food now" she offered a faint smile before heading out.

"Can you bring your food too so we can share a meal together?" I called behind her. She responded with a shy smile, but that was just enough to know that she would do as I said. 

We sat together sharing our lunch while making small talk. Although the atmosphere was still slightly awkward, it was significantly better than breakfast. Besides, awkwardness is to be expected given we know nothing about one another. Despite having spent years together, I never took the time to learn anything about her. As for her, well... it must be hard to grasp who I am as a person given the change that's taken place recently. One day I was me and the next I was not. An unnatural metamorphosis had taken place, leaving everyone confused on which is the real me. I decided it would be better to learn more about one another to avoid unnecessary awkward silence, so I proposed playing 21 questions to help with that. Through this I found out that her favourite colour is purple, she lives with only her mother, her hobby is embroidery, she wants to keep a pet cat but cannot afford to look after it and her birthday is in 5 weeks from now on April 3rd. Most of her questions to me were simple and pointless - most likely because she was afraid of overstepping her boundaries- but eventually she began asking about Theodore. It's hardly surprising given how obsessed I've been with him since I was very young and how I've been prattling about marrying him when I get older. I'm sure she expected me to speak of love stories or the like but I made it a point to express my distaste towards him. My earlier anger that she had seen was not an in the moment burst but rather a genuine dislike for the ******. 

"My lady, I heard that he was demanding an apology of you. Do you plan to respond?" She asked with caution.

"Why should I respond? We were both in the wrong and yet he's demanding an apology without offering one himself. And when I apologise then what? I look like a pushover? I'm just going to ignore him for as long as I can. I don't have the energy to play with kids who enjoy looking down on others."

"That's understandable". Anna nods with a face showing understanding. I smile at her as we continue to speak about pointless things. 

My mind began to wander after a while. The first on my to do list was to get on good terms with people I had wronged, that would relieve me of some guilt, even though previously I had acted without consciousness and against my will. It would also work as a double edged sword when any death flags rise, as I'd have backing from others and it would prevent the death flags to begin with if I steer away from the villainess route. There were too many people I had wronged but most important was to me was Anna and my family. I have hopes that because I am young, they would be forgiving and accepting towards my change, but that's merely speculation until I put anything into action. However, I am lucky that I am still a child. At this point all I have done is exert my father's authority to act like a pompous brat and behave aggressively towards my family. That's hardly a criminal offence. So long as I steer away from the predestined path and refuses to harass Elina, I should be able to live a peaceful and content life.

My father being the Duke would undoubtedly be important to my standing in society, thus it's important to bring him on my side. To do that I have to get on good terms with my step mother who he adores - regrettably more than he did my own mother. I would also need my brother's backing given that he is one of the capture targets and - according to the original storyline - will grow to be an influential knight of the imperial family.  

Thinking about it though, I'm reluctant to do so. The way I had treated them was cold and harsh but not without reason. My father who was unloving to my mother but had a mistress outside (even if the marriage contract allowed for this) only appears as a monster to me. I cannot forgive any of them for the death of my mother. For the pain she suffered with no one but me, as a child, to comfort her. How hard life must've been and how far she must've fallen into the depths of despair for her to leave me behind and commit suicide in search of peace. While I can logically understand my father as my mother had allowed for him to do so, since their marriage was purely contractual, I cannot forgive him for not being there when she needed him most. For him turning a blind eye to her pain and allowing the demons to set base in her heart and mind. For allowing her to die and leave me behind. And for my step mother who was aware of everything and continued for her own love. How sickening it is to think about. The sacrifices my mother and I had made for the love of these selfish people. And for me to not once receive an apology. They cry about how difficult it must have been for my mother and yet have not once uttered the 5 letter word I've longed to hear the most.

Even if I had lived as an NPC travelling on a predestined route until now, the pain I had felt was real. There was nothing fictional or 2-dimensional about the struggles I had faced as Persephone. In this suffering I had been trapped in the endless cold cold. Had they even apologised I might have forgiven them in search for a new family, to move on. But they left me outside in the rain to freeze to death rather than give me the warmth of regret, apologies and forgiveness. 

For now, I won't be on bad terms with them but not on good terms either. It's enough to not hold the past against them, despite it continuing to plague my present. I will treat them as I would any other person, not badly for the mistreatment of my mother and not well simply because we are 'family'. Just enough to feel like acquaintances, to feel like I have not wronged them. Maybe if I open myself up just a little bit, I can find the happiness I had once lost. Is naivety not then a blessing, as ignorance is bliss. A child should be able to experience childhood, and this time around I wish to experience serenity, firm feet planted on the ground, and happiness laying over me like a veil. I still don't know if I am the me of the past life or the me as Persephone, but maybe I can be someone who will finally be able to breathe a little easier. 

We spent the rest of the day like this, lazing about and eating dinner together. A couple of times my family asked to speak to me, but Anna lived up to my expectations and told them I was sleeping because I wasn't feeling well. Although I felt bad for lying when they wanted to check on my condition, it felt bittersweet that they could only do this but not what I had actually wanted, what I needed. With that thought, I cried myself to sleep for the second time. But this time it was less because of my misfortune and more because I wanted more from my family. Maybe I had actually been lonely and wanting any excuse to let them in, to feel like I finally had someone to support me again. But the excuse never came, so I cry for what could have been and yet what is not. A little upsetting but less distressing than last night. A different kind of pain that tightened my heart and made me go to sleep with a migraine. Once again my pain filled tears kiss me goodnight where my mother should have but never again will.