98. White Hare

White Hare

[Lincoln is in his room dressed like a cool biker gang member.]

Lincoln: [talking to the viewers] You might be wondering who's the cool guy in the Loud House. It's me, Lincoln. And I can't wait to tell you why I have this stuff on, you see... [Lincoln is interrupted by Clyde.]

Clyde: [on the walkie talkie.] Lincoln are you ready to introduce yourself to the new girl today?

Lincoln: Or Clyde can tell you [On the walkie talkie.] that's formative all set, got my threads, [camera looks at temporary tattoo] got my temporary tatt, and a list of slang I got from a teen magazine.

Clyde: That's great, buddy. But, do you really need all that? You're already cool. You jumped that puddle on your bike the other day.

Lincoln: Well the way she wears her bow in her hair, the new girl seems super cool. So I've gotta up my game.

Clyde: I hear ya, and you only get one chance to make a good first impression, if you blow this you'll have to wait for another girl to move to town, and who knows when that'll be.

Lincoln: Thank you for that added pressure.

Clyde: Don't mention it! So what's the plan?

Lincoln: I'm gonna catch her on the bus this morning so I can have some 1 on 1 time with her.

Clyde: Good thinking! You need a wingman?

Lincoln: Thanks, but there are some things a man must do alone.

Clyde: I get that, I said the same thing to my dads the first time I used a public restroom. Good luck buddy! [Gets off walkie-talkie.]

Lincoln: [gets off walkie-talkie.] And now I have just one less obstacle, to get out of the house before my sisters figure out what I'm up to.

[As Lincoln walks out of his room but is stopped by Laney]

Laney: Hey, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Aah! Oh, it's just you Laney. I can trust you...

Laney: Thanks, Lincoln. But, why do you look like an old greaser?

Lincoln: Laney, I'm using this cool outfit to impress a new girl at school. And I can't risk getting spotted by all my other sisters at a bigger risk that they might mess it up by meddling!

Laney: So you want me to help you sneak you out without your sisters knowing before they meddle up another storm?

Lincoln: You got it.

Laney: Don't worry, big bro. I got just the plan!

[Cut to the living room. Laney was walking down the stairs lifting a big cardboard box. It is revealed that Lincoln was inside of the box]

Sisters: [Off-screen] Hold it!

Laney: Oh, hey guys. What's shaking?

Lynn: Uh, why are you holding that big box?

Laney: Oh, this? This is just something made for school today.

Leni: What is it?

Laney: What is it? Uh, it's... um... a science project! Yeah, a science project!

Lisa: Really? Pray tell, what is the purpose of your project?

Laney: Um. Well... It's about... uhm...

[Lincoln sneezes]

Lori: What was that?

Laney: [nervous] Uh... It's a diorama about the common cold? [Lincoln falls out of the box]

Sisters (Minus Laney): Lincoln!?

Lincoln: Uh. Hey, mornin' ladies.

Lisa: Why are you dressed like a stereotypical Hollywood representation of a 1950's greaser?

Lincoln: This is gel, not grease, and besides can't a guy wear something different to school for a change?

Luan: Not in this house.

Luna: Now, what's the sitch, bro?

Lincoln: There is no sitch!

Clyde: [on the walkie-talkie.] Lincoln? Come in! I thought of some topics for you to discuss with the new girl.

Sisters (Minus Laney): [Excited] New girl?!

Clyde: Like corn nuts, are they corn, or are they nuts? Discuss!

Lincoln: [on the walkie talkie.] Not now, Clyde, I've gotta call you back. [turns off walkie talkie.]

Lori: So you thought you'd impress the new girl by wearing this?

Lincoln: No, no no no no! I don't need your help. I've got it all planned out. [backs up and smashes into Lola.]

Lola: Lincoln.

Lincoln: No, I'm sure you have your own plan and want to tell me what to do. But the last time I took your advice I got a black eye. [flashback to "Heavy Meddle" where Lincoln gets punched by Ronnie Anne.]

Leni: But, Lincoln!

Lincoln: No, I've only got one chance to make a good first impression, and I want to do it my way!

Sisters: Lincoln!

Laney: [Points in the opposite direction] Look! Is that Hugh?

Sisters (Minus Laney): WHERE!? [The others turn in that direction excited thinking that Hugh is here]

Laney: Let's go! [Laney and Lincoln run off to the forest where there is a bunny hole] There. You should be safe here.

Lincoln: Thanks, Laney. Hope I didn't stink up the jacket. I'll hide here until the bus comes.

Laney: I'll go distract the others. [Runs back home]

Lincoln: Where will I be without you Laney. [A bunny hops up to Lincoln] Hey there, little guy. [The bunny twitches his nose to Lincoln, then numerous female bunnies join their brother Lincoln counts the rabbits] 23, 24, 25, 26! [To the viewers] Man, that's a lot of sisters, I can't even imagine what that would be like.

Lynn: [Off-screen] Hey Lincoln!

[Lincoln gets startled by this and jumps up, hitting a branch causing him to fall unconscious.]

[Laney now a rabbit named Brittany was lifting a heavy carboard box and sneaking out of the door but she was foiled by her sisters]

Rabbit Sisters: [Off-Screen] Hold it!

Brittany: Uh, hey guys.

Bernadette: What's in the box, Brittany?

Brittany: Oh, this box? It's uh... a surprise for Susie's birthday party!

Bippa: What's the surprise, then?

Brittany: Now, If I tell you then it wouldn't be a surprise would it? [Something inside it sneezes]

Brooke: What was that?

Brittany: Um... [Lincoln, now a rabbit named Warren, falls out of the box]

Rabbit Sisters (Minus Brittany): Warren!?

Warren: Hey, mornin' ladies.

Beatrice: Why are you dressed like a hoodlum from the wrong side of the forest?

Bippa: Yeah, what's the sitch?

Warren: There is no sitch!

[Clyde, who is now a beaver named Danny was talking out of Warren's walkie talkie]

Danny: [on the walkie talkie.] Warren, I 've come up with some topics for you to discuss with the new girl.

Rabbit Sisters (Minus Brittany): New Girl?!

Warren: Danny, I'll call you back. [turns off walkie talkie.]

Betty: Tell us everything about her.

Warren: There's nothing to tell, Betty. It's a just new girl at school.

Brenda: I hate her already.

Warren: You don't even know her, Brenda.

Belinda: Neither do you, that's why we're helping. Ohhh, I love matchmaking!

Bella: What's the use? Life's just an endless stretch of misery. Occasionally brightened by despair.

Bodhi: I think your Chakras need some like realignment, Bella.

Brittany: Guys, please! I know you want to help Warren but this isn't the way to do it!

Belinda: Of course it is, Brittany. Everyone needs help with affairs of love.

Brittany: Yeah, but you're help isn't exactly... helpful.

Betty: What do you know? We're trying to help our brother and you're getting in our way.

Brittany: I'm trying to stop you guys before you take things too far!

Belinda: But, Brittany! Don't you want to help your brother find his soulmate?

Brittany: Well, yes. But...

Betty: The let us do our thing!

Bianca: [Paints a picture] Look guys, I captured the moment in oils, I call it "Portrait of a clueless boy being saved by his Sisters".

Brittany: More like being suffocated by his sisters.

Warren: [Pushes his sisters back] Guys, I don't need your help!

[Warren gets a text from Bridget saying "YES YOU DO!"]

Warren: No I don't, Bridget!

Beatrice: Yes you do, by my calculations, the chances of you successfully courting said new girl without our help are an abysmal 25 to 1.

Warren: Yeah, I'm quite used to those odds.

Brooke: [in a state of panic] But what if your plan doesn't work?! What if you ruined your chance to make a good first impression?! What if you grow old and alone?! What if I grow old and alone?! What if the world ends tomorrow?! What if... [Interrupted by Brittany]

Brittany: Calm down, Brooke! Look, guys. All, I'm saying is that Warren will do just fine on our own.

Warren: Brittany's right. Now if you excuse me, I'm leaving.

Bippa: Oh yeah, mate? And just 'ow do you plan on gettin' past the 25 of us?

Bippa: Oh yeah, mate? And just 'ow do you plan on gettin' past the 25 of us?

Warren: Well I plan to... Run!

Betty: Get him! [The rabbit sisters begin to chase Warren and Brittany]

Barbara: This calls for some chase music!

Bethany: [Checks her list] I didn't have this on my to-do list for the day, but what the heck?

Bernadette: Warren, Brittany, you two stop running this instant or I'm telling Mom!

Warren: Look! Shiny object!

Brandy: [confused] Oooo where? Huh?

[Betty tries to grab Warren, but missed.]

Betty: Grab him, Beth!

Beth: Huh, what? [snoring]

[Bailey blows her whistle.]

Bailey: Ugh! Beth, get in the game!

Beth: Go... [Falls back to sleep on the couch.]

[Warren heads for the door, when suddenly...]

Beulah: Yee-haw! Rope them doggies!

[She twirls her lasso, catches Warren before he could escape and hogties him.]

Bertha: Gotcha! [Starts to bench press him.]

Warren: Put me down, Bertha!

[Bertha carries Warren back and drops him on the floor.]

Bebe: What a hare-rasing development! [Laughs] Get it?

[The rabbit sisters groan.]

Warren: Brittany! Help me out here! [Brittany is seen completely frozen on the floor] Oh no! She's having one of her episodes again!

Beverly: Oh, Warren honey you got it all wrong.

Blair: Totes.

Remaining Sisters: Yeah!

[Blair removes Warren's sunglasses.]

Warren: Give me those back, I need to look cool.

Beverly: Please, girls don't want a cool guy. Warren, what girls really want is a sensitive guy.

Blair: [Removes jacket a shows and lavender shirt.] Ditch the leather and go with lavender. [Gets Warren up] It's a much better match for your fur tones.

[Betty starts pushing Warren to the door.]

Birdie: [Gives Warren books] Read her a poem.

Brie: [Gives Warren a smoothie] Offer to share a healthy and deliver kelp smoothie.

Blanch: [Gives Warren medicine] But check her allergies first.

Bernice: [Gives Warren a rabbit's foot] Keep this rabbit's foot for luck.

Sisters: [Disgusted] Eww!

Blair: Compliment her clothes.

Belinda: Compliment her eyes.

Warren: But-

Beverly: Be kind.

Warren: But-

Bella: Be romatic.

Warren: But-

Bodhi: Be present.

Warren: But-

Betty: Now go. [Betty shoves Warren out the door and closes it, Warren sighs and starts off.]

[Warren nervously sits down on a stump, looks around, and sees the new girl, he nervously walks up to her.]

Warren: Hey, hi, [offers a handshake] you're new to Royal Woods aren't you? [takes his hand back before the new girl can shake it.] I've been watching you for days.

New Girl: [Weirded out] Uh, what?

Warren: I.. I mean, I've been meaning to introduce myself. [Offers a handshake, for real this time.] I'm Warren.

New Girl: Oh, [actually getting to return the handshake.] nice to meet you, Warren.

Warren: I like how big your ears are.

New Girl: [Insecure] They're big?!

Warren: No! No, uh, you'll grow into them. [Realizing that wasn't helping, gets even more nervous.] I mean, do you like poems? [Pulls out 'The Sonnets of Shakesphare'.] Shall I compare thee to a summers day? Thou fart more lovely, [realizes what he just said] I mean thou art more. [Desperately trying to change the subject.] What do you think about butter lettuce?

New Girl: [Not even sure how to respond to that.] You know, I just remembered, I forgot my backpack.

Warren: Wait, wanna share a kelp smoothie?

New Girl: [Annoyed at this point, but still trying to be nice.] Um, sure, why not?

Warren: Wait, before you have any, do you have any allergies? Cause I'd hate to see you break out in puss filled blisters. [Awkwardly smiles]

New Girl: [Grossed out by that comment] Ew, on second thought, no thanks.

Warren: Are you sure? It's really delicious. [Drinks, and spits it out in repulse.] It tastes like manure. [Looks back at the new girl and realizes he spit it right in her face.] Sorry I'm sure I have a hanky [pulls out the rabbits foot, which the new girl notices.] Oh, whoops, that's not it.

New Girl: Ew! Is that a rabbit's foot?!

Warren: What? No, just a fuzzy mozzarella stick. [Pulls out a hanky any starts wiping the new girl's face.] Sorry, let me help you. Uh, that stain oughta come out just fine, if not, you'll have an excuse to get a new dress. [The new girl is now offended.] Orange totally clashes with your fur tones anyways.

New Girl What!?

[Right at this moment, a rabbit wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket appears next to the new girl.]

Big Kid: Is this creep bothering you?

New Girl: [Smugly] Yes.

[Warren's jaw drops in disbelief.]

Big Kid: Hey, lavender shirt, don't you know it ain't cool to upset a lady?

Warren: I was just-

Big Kid: [Shoves Warren] Take a hike. [Pushes Warren to the ground and puts his arm around the new girl.] C'mon, let's get out of here.

New Girl: I like your leather jacket, you're so cool. [Giggles as the two head on their way, Warren picks himself up, and sadly walks back over to the stump and sighs, Danny joins him with a popsicle.]

Danny: So, how'd it go? [Removes the wrapper and the popsicle and starts chewing on the stick.]

Warren: I don't wanna talk about it.

Danny: [Pats Warren's head] Ah, you don't have to, I watched the whole thing from the bushes.

Warren: So much for making a good first impression.

Danny: It's okay pal, I'm sure a new bunny will move to the woods soon, well once our coyote population goes down. [Warren sighs] I don't understand why you changed your plan, why did you dress like that, and say those things, and make horse poop smoothies?

Warren: Believe me, I didn't wanna change my plan, but then my sisters came along and, well, you know how they are.

Danny: [Lovingly] I know how Betty is. [Pictures Betty hopping through the woods in slow motion.]

Warren: Are you picturing her hopping through the woods in slo-mo again?

Danny: Whaaaat? [Pops his thought cloud] No.

Warren: [Pulls out the rabbit's foot] A lot of good you did me.

[Tosses it away, and falls over knocking himself out.]

[Lincoln comes to]

Lincoln: Wow, what a nightmare. I was definitely right to run away from my sisters, they would have ruined everything. [Hears chattering, and looks at the rabbit, whose sisters ambush him and give him a flower, Lincoln whispers to him.] Don't listen to them, they'll ruin everything, they don't know what they're doing. [A brown female bunny hops up to the rabbit, and almost instantly, they rub noses, the female takes the flower, and they hop along, while the sisters high four. Lincoln realizes that he was wrong.] Woah, maybe they do know what they're doing, [panicking] which means maybe my sisters know what they're doing! Which means maybe their plan is better than mine! Which means maybe I should stop talking to myself because I only have five minutes to find out before the bus arrives! [Runs back into the house and finds it empty.] Oh no! I'm too late! They're gone. [He looks out the window and sees the school bus almost heading this way.] Ah, I'm gonna miss my big chance. [He hears Lori clear her throat, turns around to see all of his sisters blankly staring at him, and gets on his knees.] Oh, thank goodness you haven't left yet. Look, I was wrong, I want your help! My plan is going to fail! Tell me your plan! Tell me what to do!

Lori: [Trying to turn her brother off.] Lincoln.

Lincoln: [Still in panic mode.] Tell me what to wear!

Lynn: Lincoln.

Lincoln: [Grabs Lynn by the collar.] Tell me how to act!

Leni: Lincoln.

Lincoln: Tell me what to say!

Laney: Lincoln...

Lincoln: No, Laney! I'm sorry but you can't help me. I need their advice or I'm totally gonna blow my of ever being with that-

Other Sisters: LINCOLN!

Lincoln: What?!

Lori: [Relieved that their brother was ready to listen.] We weren't going to tell you any of those things. [Puts her hand on Lincoln's shoulder.]

Lincoln: What? Why?

Laney: I know you think that they might give you some crazy advice. But after you went and hid in the forest, they talked to me. And they didn't want to do anything to you. They actually thought really hard about what happened with you and Ronnie Anne. They've realized that you don't need them to meddle with your girl troubles.

Lincoln: So... you guys don't want to change me?

Lori: No, we wanted to know why you changed yourself.

Lincoln: I just- [Rolls up his sleeve, showing his tattoo.] I just thought-

Leni: Lincoln, you're perfect just the way you are.

Lori: You're kind.

Leni: You're fashionable.

Luna: You're rockin'.

Luan: You're funny.

Lynn: You're tough.

Laney: You're creative.

Lucy: You're deep.

Lana and Lola: [Hugs Lincoln] You're friendly.

Lisa: You're smart.

Lily: [Crawls up to him] You Yincoln Youd.

[Lincoln feels touched at this and smiles at his sisters.]

Lori: Now, give me the jacket, [Ruffles Lincoln's hair to it's original style.] and go out there, [Holds up his orange polo.] and just be you.

Lincoln: [Smiles at his sisters, but this is cut short when the bus drives past the house.] Ah, I can still make it. [Scrambles into his shirt and out of the house, and starts chasing after the bus, the driver sees him in the mirror.] Wait! [The kids on the bus laughing as the bus stops and Lincoln gets on, and keep laughing at Lincoln as he goes over to the new girl.] Hello, um, my, uh, name is Lincoln Loud.

New Girl: Nice to meet you Lincoln Loud.

Lincoln: So, you're new to Royal Woods?

New Girl: Yeah, it's lonely being the new kid in town.

Lincoln: Maybe you just haven't met the right people yet.

New Girl: [Moves her backpack] Would you like to sit down? [Lincoln sits next to her] Um, I didn't think you were gonna catch the bus.

Lincoln: Yeah, [holding his shirt] Good thing I'm dressed like a caution cone, or the driver never would have seen me.

New Girl: [Laughs] You're funny Lincoln Loud, [offers him a carrot stick] carrot stick?

Lincoln: [Accepts] Thanks. [Takes a bite] Oh, by the way, what's your name?

[The bus drives on, and the two rabbits from before are seen to have been watching, they look at each other, rub noses again, and hop off on their way.]