89. Selfie Improvement

Selfie Improvement

[Episode begins with Lori and Leni on their phones in the living room.]

Lori: Ooh. My last post got 100 likes. New record. Look. [Shows picture]

Leni: So cute. You've really found your best angle.

Lori: Thanks. [scrolling her phone] Not to brag, but, I kinda feel like I mastered the selfie.

Leni: [offscreen] Oh, totes. Your pic almost got as many likes as Carol Pingrey's.

Lori: [drops her phone on her face] Ow, Carol Pingrey!? I didn't even know she was on this app!

Leni: She just joined, can you believe her first selfie got 101 likes?

Lori: Give me that! [Grabs Leni's phone and sees Carol's first selfie.] Ugh, typical. Perfect Carol Pingrey has to one up me in everything I do.

[Flashback to when Lori, Leni, and Carol were little and Carol receives a medal award for selling the most Bluebell cookies, while Leni is comforting a despondent Lori.]

Young Leni: Don't feel bad, Lori, you sold almost as many cookies as Carol.

[Flashback to Carol beating Lori out for homecoming queen and Leni comforting Lori again.]

Leni: Oh, don't feel bad, Lori. You got almost as many votes as Carol.

[Flashback to Carol beating Lori in a golf tournament and Leni cheering for Lori.]

Leni: Yay, Lori! You got way more points than Carol.

Lori: Thanks Leni, but let me explain golf scoring, again.

[End of flashbacks]

Lori: [grumbles] I'm sick of it, I've literally been working for three months to get this many likes on my photos, I am not letting Carol waltz in here, and show me up, again! [Slams one foot onto the table, and the background becomes something that gives the impression that Lori is flying through the sky.] I swear on my senior parking space! My next selfie will get more likes than Carol Pingrey!

Leni: [From behind] Yay! Go, Lori! [Background returns to normal] Umm, could I have my phone back so I can like Carol's photo? I don't wanna be rude.

[In Laney's room, Laney was painting a picture of the house]

Laney: Okay, Laney. Just one more gentle stroke and your picture will be complete... [Lori bursts open the door causing Laney to mess up her painting]

Lori: Laney! I need your help!

Laney: Lori! You just ruined my painting! You even know how long it took me too... [Looks at the messed up painting] ...Huh. It actually looks a lot better. Nevermind. So what do you need, Lori?

Lori: I need your expertise of photos to help me make a selfie perfect enough to beat Carol Pingery! Just look at what she just posted! [Shows Laney Carol's selfie]

Laney: Umm, that's great and all but...

Lori: No! It's not great! That jerk has been one-upping me all my life! I can't take it anymore! The only way to get even with is to make selfie thats 100 times better than her!

Laney: That doesn't sound healthy. Have you tried talking to her?

Lori: No! I can't talk to Carol! She's my rival! She'll just rub it in my face how better she is than me! So are you going to help me or not?!

Laney: [sighs] You're lucky I like to help my siblings...

[Scene changes to the bathroom, where Lori is wearing her hair lower, and a little extra makeup. Laney was placing a candle and a vase full of flowers on the toilet]

Laney: There we go. So ask me again what's the point of this?

Lori: It's a mirror selfie, Laney. Literally a classic. [Lori stares at Laney] Well, scoot. I need some privacy! [Laney walks out of the bathroom]

[Lori prepares for the picture, when the tank lid on the toilet starts shaking, then Lana and Hops burst out drenching Lori in toilet water.]

Lana: And done.

Lori: [flabbergasted] Lana! What are you doing?!

Lana: Installing a dual flush valve.

Lori: Get out!

Lana: [Feeling unappreciated] I thought you of all people would appreciate the pressure assisted flush.

Lori: Out! [Lana and Hops leave as Laney enters the bathroom]

Laney: Oh, I forgot to mention that Lana's using the bathroom to modify the toilet. [Lori looks at her phone, and her 'toilet water' selfie. Laney snickered a bit but silenced when Lori glared at her]

Lori: Yeah, that's not gonna beat Carol. Delete.

[Scene changes to the backyard where Lori and Laney are preparing to take another selfie.]

Laney: I still think you should just try talking to Carol about how you feel, you know, before something else happens?

Lori: Nonsense, Laney. Besides the 'fun in the sun' selfie is always a crowd pleaser. Now, put that umbrella a little to the left. I want the shade to be perfect. [Laney sighs as she does so]

[Lori picks up her selfie stick and prepares to take a picture, then there is the sound of a baseball.]

Lynn: [offscreen] Loud takes a wicked cut! And...

[Ball lands in Lori's lemonade.]

Lori: [Yelps as the splash messes up her hair and eyeliner.] Dang it, Lynn!

[Lynn approaches Lori]

Lynn: I'm the one who should be cheesed. You just robbed me of a double.

Laney: She's trying to beat Carol Pingery. [Laney pulls out a towel and dries off Lori]

[Lori moves her chair closer to the house.]

Lori: Let's try this again.

Lily: [comes out the back door] Poo-poo.

Lori: I can't change you right now, Lily. Go ask Laney or someone else.

Lily: [angry] POO-POO! [Throws her diaper at her sister. Lori screams in horror and accidentally takes a 'diaper to the face' selfie.]

Laney: Lily! That wasn't very nice! [She picks up Lily] Now let's go put you on a new diaper. [Lori growls at her]

[Lori is then seen moving her chair to the side of the garage.]

Laney: Sorry, about that Lori. Lily's really serious about his diaper changes.

Lori: That's alright, Laney. Let's do this again.

[Tries to take another photo, only to to have dirt land on her face at the last second.]

Lori: Gah! Literally?! [Looks angrily at Lucy, who the scene widens to as she is digging a grave.]

Laney: Lucy, what are you doing?

Lucy: Sorry, but I've claimed this area for my cemetery.

Laney: Well, do you think you can dig somewhere else? We're trying to make a selfie.

Lucy: Sorry, but I already spent all morning finding the perfect spot.

[Lori groans in annoyance, steps over the grave Lucy dug, but falls into one next to it. Accidentally taking a 'falling into a grave' selfie.]

Laney: And what about that?

Lucy: That was my first attempt.

[Lori growls as the scene changes to her closing her bedroom door. As Laney helps sets up the next selfie by pushing her chair close to the window]

Laney: Lori, this is getting us nowhere! The way I see it, you're just trying to hide your frustrations of Carol Pingery behind petty competition. Have you even said anything to her your whole life?

Lori: Laney, please! Have you forgotten that she has literally tried to beat me my entire life?

Laney: Yes I know, but I think it's best if we stop all this and try to find closure on the problem. You know, talking about it and try to find a solution. It's all right here in this magazine. [Holds said magazine]

Lori: Just drop it Laney. Besides, my next selfie is a definite win.

Laney: And what selfie may I ask is this?

Lori: The 'lost in thought' selfie, mysterious, yet intriguing.

Laney: Oh, so that's why you wanted me to move the chair closer to this window. I thought you just wanted some air... to get some sense into you.

Lori: Quiet, Laney. [Prepares to take the photo, but an RC helicopter starts hovering outside her window. She growls and pops out the window] Lincoln, move your dumb toy! You're photo-bombing me!

Lincoln: [from the front lawn] Oops, sorry.

[Lincoln fiddles with the remote and the helicopter accidentally cuts off some of Lori's hair.]

Lori: [Looks at her head] Gah! My hair!

Laney: [Holds out a comb and a can of hairspray] I got it! [Laney was fixing Lori's hair]

Lori: It's not fair, I'm never going to be able to take a decent picture with my insane siblings everywhere.

Laney: I'm sorry, Lori. But there's no way you can get our siblings out of the way.

Lori: [Suddenly an idea dawns over her.] Or is there?...

[Scene changes to the backyard where Luan is unicycling on the fence, Lynn and Leni are playing baseball, Lucy is digging graves, Lisa is waiting to study Charles' feces, Lincoln is playing with his helicopter, while Lily is trying to take his remote, Luna is practicing her guitar, and Lola is chasing Lana in her car. Lori comes out the back door.]

Lori: Hey guys, who wants to help me rake leaves? We could really make the yard look nice.

[Lori's siblings stop what they're doing and give Lori blank stares. Lincoln's helicopter drops, and they all run inside telling Lori not.]

Laney: Now that was smart.

Lori: Do I know my siblings or what?

[Scene changes as Laney and Lori finish raking the leaves into a pile. Lori tosses the rake into the pile and sets up a tripod for her phone. Her phone rings and she declines, picks up some leaves and it rings again, she answers to what is revealed to be Bobby.]

Bobby: Hey, Babe.

Lori: Sorry, Boo-Boo Bear, our daily 4 o' clock phone chat will have to wait. I need to take the perfect 'leaf jumping' selfie.

Bobby: That's gonna be kinda hard babe, leaves don't jump.

Lori: Not the leaves Bobby, me.

Bobby: Oh, okay cool, yeah, well I just need someone to talk to you know I have that dentist appointment I told you about, and I'm kinda nervous.

Lori: Sorry Bobby, can we talk about this later? The light won't be this good forever. Love you, bye. [Hangs up]

Laney: You just hung up on Bobby? And it's only been two minutes! Ususally you talk to him for hours!

Lori: Laney! I'll just talk to him later! Right now I got to nail this selfie!

Laney: Is that selfie more important than talking to your "Boo Boo Bear"?

Lori: One: Yes. And two: only I get to call him "Boo Boo Bear". Now be a good sister and set up the camera. [Laney sighs and does so] Okay scarf draped, leaves piled, timer set, here we go. Wheee. [Jumps into the pile landing on the rake which hits her in the face.] Ow! [Camera goes off, Lori sees her 'rake to the face' selfie. She than moves to the tire swing.] Okay forget leaves. Let's do a good old fashioned 'tire swing' selfie. [Sits on the swing, which is revealed to be full of bees.] Gah! Bees! [Camera goes off, Lori sees her 'running from a swarm of bees' selfie. She than moves to the driveway wearing rain clothes.] Okay, forget tires. How about a 'rainy day' selfie. [Opens her umbrella and picks up the hose, which doesn't spray any water, much to Lori's frustration.] Where's my rain? [Yells as the hose sprays her in the face, and her camera takes a 'sprayed in the face' selfie, Lori then moves to the backyard with Mr. Grouse's tractor, sets up her camera while wearing a farmers outfit.] Forget rainy days, let's do a 'tractor' selfie. Those are a thing, [to Laney] right? [Laney shrugs. Takes the photo which turns out well.] Wow, it's actually, literally perfect, and I didn't hurt myself. [Stands up in triumph over not hurting herself, only to accidentally turn the tracor on in reverse, which gets stuck in one of Lucy's graves, launching Lori and Laney into the other one.]

[Scene changes to Lori laying on the couch covered in ice packs and bandages looking at her phone.]

Laney: [Dusts off the dirt off her hair] Ugh. Please tell me that's the last selfie.

Lori: Hold that thought! One-hundred likes, thank you, Chaz. One-hundred-and-one likes. Thank you, random person from golf camp and YES! One-hundred-and-two likes! Thank you, Aunt Ruth, and in your face, Carol Pingrey! [Stands up in triumph, but then drops to the floor in pain.] So sore.

Laney: Maybe we should just lay down for a while.

Lori: Good idea...

[Scene changes to the kitchen, where Leni is eating a sandwich, and looking at her phone. Lori walks in humming.]

Leni: Cute 'tractor' selfie Lori.

Lori: Thanks, Leni.

Leni: It got almost as many likes as Carol's.

[Lori gasps at this, dropping the milk carton she had been holding.]

Lori: Let me see that! [Lori grabs Leni's phone, and sees that Carol uploaded a tractor selfie with a dog in it. The 'sky flying' background from before returns.] That rat!

Leni: [from behind] I think it's a corgi.

[Background returns to normal.]

Lori: No, it's a dirty trick. Putting a cute, lovable, animal in her selfie to get more likes than me! Well guess what Carol. [Sky flying background] 'Cute, lovable, animals' are my middle name!

Leni: [from behind] I thought it was 'Marie'.

[Background returns to normal, and Lori pets the poor, innocent Leni. Scene changes to the front door where Charles, Walt, Cliff, and Geo are making a run for it, while Lori chases them, trying to make them put sweaters on.]

Lori: Get back here you animals! These tiny sweaters are literally the perfect size for you!

[Offscreen, Lori is heard screaming as her pets attack her. Her camera is heard going off. Lori lays down on the ground looking at her failed attempt at a selfie. Then Laney walks in]

Laney: What are you doing?

Lori: [smiles] Laney! My favorite little sister!

Laney: You want me help me with your selfies, don't you? [Lori nods; groans] I thought you were done with this!

Lori: I was until that rat Carol just posted a cute pets selfie. [Shows Laney the selfie] Look at it! How she's mocking me!

Laney: Lori! This is ridiculous! You shouldn't be concerned with stuff like this! She's not even trying to mock you! Here's what should happen instead: You, Carol, talk talk talking, closure! It's not that hard!

Lori: [Pats her sister's head] Poor, sweet, naive, little Laney. You don't know what it's like in the cutthroat world of social media. Every day, teenagers strive to rise up the popularity chain. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. It's my dream to become the most popular teen in the network!

Laney: I thought your dream was to marry Bobby on the moon then riding off on a unicorn.

Lori: I can have two dreams, Laney. [Holds Laney's hands] Anyway, you have to help me achieve my dream of beating Carol Pingrey and come out on top! Then and only then, can I have closure on the whole thing! [Laney sighs]

Laney: You know I can't resist an inspiring speech. Even though it's ridiculous. Fine! But promise me that after this, you'll put this whole competing thing a rest!

Lori: I promise!

Laney: Okay! Let's see what we're dealing with. [Lori shows Laney her failed selfie] Oh... Uh, listen Lori, I can't really help you with this one. But I think I know someone who can...

[Cut to Lola and Lana's room, there's a knock at the door]

Lola: Come in. [Laney and Lori enter] Ah, Laney. My favorite client. How can I help you?

Lori: [To Laney] You've visited her before?

Laney: [To Lori] Yeah, she's a great photo retoucher. Helped me out when I needed help with my social media posts.

Lori: [To Laney] You?

Laney: [To Lori] Hey, a gal's gotta stay connected. Plus, she likes my cupcake recipe. [To Lola] Anyway, Lola, I'm not here for my post this time. I'm here with her. [Points to Lori]

Lola: Very well, show me the picture. [Lori shows Lola the photo and Lola looks at it with shock.] This is gonna cost you some serious cupcakes.

Laney: Say no more, Lola. I'll start baking. [Puts on an apron]

[Hits the edit button and changes Lori's 'angry pets' selfie to a 'happy pets' selfie. Later Lola is eating her cupcakes and Lori is looking at her phone.]

Lori: One-hundred-and-three likes. Take that Carol! And nice work, Lola.

Lola: [spits out crumbs] Thank you. Milk, please. [Laney hands Lola a glass of milk]

[Scene changes back to the kitchen, where Leni is still eating a sandwich and looking at her phone. Lori walks by towards the fridge.]

Leni: Cute 'pet' selfie Lori, it got almost as many likes as Carol's 'coffee shop' selfie.

[Lori gets a look of shock.]

Lori: [grabs Leni's phone] What! [Sees Carol's selfie, growls, Bobby calls her again, but Lori declines.] Not now Bobby, [sky flying background] I've got a crisis!

[Scene changes to the kitchen where Lori is decorating the place to look like a coffee shop, she walks up to Lincoln, who is wearing a button down shirt, a bow tie, and a beanie, she places a false mustache and glasses on him, then pulls out a pair of suspenders, much to Lincoln's shock.]

Lincoln: Look, I'll play a barista, but I am not wearing suspenders.

Lori: This has to look like a real coffee shop. Now do you want a ride to the comic book store later, or not? [Lincoln sighs and Lori goes over to Leni, Laney, and Luan, who are sitting at the table wearing berets.] Okay, so now you guys pretend to laugh at something I've just said.

Luan: Ooh, was it coffee related humor?

Lori: It doesn't matter, Luan.

Luan: Maybe you said this; 'Why'd the hipster burn his tongue?' He sipped his coffee before it was cool. [Laughs]

Laney: [Laughs] Hey, that's actually kinda funny.

[Later, Lori is laying on the couch looking at her 'coffee shop' selfie.]

Lori: Yes! One-hundred-and-five likes!

Laney: Now are you ready to have closure on this whole mess?

Lori: Yes. Yes. Whatever that is... [Notices her brother] Lincoln, you can take the suspenders off now.

Lincoln: Actually, they're kind of working for me.

[Back in the kitchen, Leni is still eating a sandwich and looking at her phone, Lori comes in slightly dispirited.]

Lori: Leni, please do not say that Carol outdid me with a selfie of her sailing, or icing a cake, or swimming with dolphins.

Leni: Nope, but she did get the most likes ever for her 'picnic' selfie. [Lori gasps at this, and looks at Leni's phone to see Carol's selfie.] Picnics are totes trending right now.

[Lori pulls out her phone and calls Bobby, who appears on a split screen, and is very excited to hear from Lori.]

Bobby: Babe, I'm so happy you called.

Lori: Boo-Boo Bear, we literally need to go on a picnic, right now. [Hyperventilates as Bobby speaks.]

Bobby: Right now? Babe, you know I love picnics, but we live three hours apart, I'm just about to get into my-

Lori: [Cutting Bobby off] Bobby! This is life or death! Meet me at the rest stop by exit 57 at four o'clock, sharp!

Bobby: [Nervous] Umm, I think I could make it there by five.

Lori: [Lets out an annoyed sigh] Fine! I guess picnics will still be trending then, but no later! And wear your red button-down if it's ironed, if not wear your teal polo, please do not mess up my color scheme!

[Hangs up, Bobby's split screen pans away revealing Leni's hair blown back, likely from Lori's yelling. In the living room, Laney was reading a magazine.]

Laney: [reads] "If people do not have closure on their problems they will prematurely start to lose their hair"? Pfft! I know for a fact that's not true. These magazine guys will make anything up for a buck. [Lori rushes in and grabs Laney] Wha?

Lori: Laney! Come on! We got to go!

Laney: Woah woah! What's the big hurry!

Lori: I need your help with one last selfie! Me and Bobby on a romatic picnic!

Laney: What!? No way! besides didn't he say he had a dentist appointment?

Lori: Come on, Laney! Just one more selfie and I will finall beat Carol Pingery! And I can have closure! Just like you wanted...

Laney: [angry] NO! I am sick and tired of being your picture girl! All day you were so obsessed with beating Carol instead of talking to her like I constanly suggested!

Lori: [angry] I thought you liked helping me!

Laney: I helped because I thought you'd stop, but you didn't! And frankly, I don't see the gain trying to prove something to your rivals whlie forgetting what's really important in the process! I quit!

Lori: Fine! Have it your way! I'm going to become more popular than Carol with or without you! [Slams the door]

[Scene changes to the rest stop, Lori is driving up, parks Vanzilla, angrily steps out with her hair in curlers, takes the picnic stuff out of the back seat, and walk over to a spot to set up.]

Lori: [Exhales] This should do. [Throws the stuff down and growls] Where is Bobby? [Takes out the blanket, and yelps when it blows away in the wind, knocking the curlers out of Lori's hair, Lori chases after it and sees Bobby pull up.] Boo-Boo Bear. [Having caught the blanket, excitedly runs over to see Bobby.] You made it.

Bobby: [Comes out of the car, with swollen gums, and extremely groggy.] Aw, Babe. [Walks over to hug Lori, but instead plops over Lori's shoulder.]

Lori: [Worried, grabs Bobby's shoulders and shakes him.] What did you do to yourself?! [Drags Bobby over to their spot.] Good thing I brought scarves, [lays out the blanket] maybe we can hide the swelling, [puts the scarf on Bobby, and turns his head.] or I could just shoot you from behind?

Bobby: Babe, I got my wisdom teeth out, remember? I told you weeks ago.

Lori: [Realizing that] Oh my gosh, you did. [Drops down next to her boyfriend] Boo-Boo Bear, I'm so sorry, I've been so selfish, I can't believe you still drove all this way, [tearing up] especially after what you've been through.

Bobby: Babe, I would drive to the moon for you.

Lori: [Crying, hugs Bobby] Boo-Boo Bear, you know what? Forget about the dumb selfie, let's just make the most of our time together. [Later, Lori and Bobby are sitting at a picnic table, sharing a Flippee.] I can't believe I've been so obsessed with trying to beat Carol Pingrey. Laney was right, I really have forgotten about what's really important. Maybe Carol is better than me at everything but, who cares? I still have lots of great things in my life, like a really amazing boyfriend for starters. [Bobby tears up in happiness.] Aww, Boo-Boo Bear.

[Hugs Bobby, who groans in pain.]

Bobby: Ice chip, in tooth socket.

[Scene changes to The Royal Woods Mall.]

Lori: [To the cashier] Hi, I'd like to return all this picnic stuff. I don't need it anymore. [Looks towards the sound of a shopping cart, and gasps slightly when she sees Carol Pingrey.] Carol. [Carol tosses two plastic daisies into her cart and moves on with her shopping, Lori lets out a deep breath and runs after her.] Umm, Carol. [Carol gasps in shock of seeing Lori.]

Carol: [Nervously looks around] Uh! Uh. Hi Lori. [Awkwardly waves]

Lori: I know this is literally the most awkward thing in the world but, I just wanna tell you that, you win. [Carol's jaw drops] You've been better than me at everything since kindergarten but, I'm okay with it, I can't live my life trying to compete with you anymore. Well, enjoy your shopping.

[Lori starts to walk away, but Carol has something to say too.]

Carol: Lori, wait.[Lori stops and turns around] You think I'm better than you? [Pauses, and slightly sheepish] I kinda thought it was the other way around. [Lori is now confused] I mean, you made the varsity golf team when we were freshmen. No one else did that. And you have eleven siblings who all look up to you. And don't get me started on your hair; I will never have volume like that. [laughs, and picks up her own hair] This takes like, six cans of dry shampoo, and it's still flat.

Lori: [Amazed] Wow, so, all of our competing has literally been pointless?

Carol: It's true, those selfies were getting out of control. I had to adopt that corgi, and he's mean!

Lori: I fell into a grave. Twice!

[Both laugh]

Carol: We're ridiculous. I'm so glad we're done with all this.

Lori: Me too. Hey, I just had a crazy idea. What if we made it official by taking a selfie together?

Carol: Shut up! Looking like this?

Lori: [Bringing Carol closer and taking out her phone] Yeah! I mean, who cares, right?

[Carol takes her phone out, and they take the selfie. They both look at it uncertain, they then look at each other questioningly, and smile knowing that they're both thinking the same thing.]

Lori and Carol: Post.

[Later, Lori walks home and sees Laney in the living room.]

Laney: Hello, Lori. Did you finally make the perfect selfie?

Lori: As a matter of fact... [pulls out her phone] I did. [Shows Laney her best friends selfie with Carol]

Laney: Huh? How did that happen?

Lori: I talked to her.

Laney: You did?

Lori: Yeah. And turns out, I was wrong about her. She wasn't much of a jerk as I thought she was. She was just as jealous of me as I was of her. And that our rivalry was for nothing.

Laney: Wow. Who knew?

Lori: You did, Laney. I'm really sorry I blew up at you. You were right about everything. I should've just talked to Carol instead of wasting my whole life trying to one-up her. If it wasn't for you, my rivalry with her would've never ended. [Laney smiles]

Laney: You really mean it?

Lori: I literally mean it. I'm so lucky to have a sister like you. [Laney and Lori hug each other]

Laney: [sighs happily] Now this is what I call closure...

[Back in the kitchen, Leni is still eating a sandwich and looking at her phone, Lori and Laney come in.]

Leni: Cute pic of you and Carol, you guys got tons of likes.

Lori: Thanks Leni but, I don't even care about that anymore.

[Lori stops dead in her tracks when Leni says something else.]

Leni: Almost as many as Bianca and Sooyoung.

Laney: Say what now?

[Lori looks at Leni's phone and sees Bianca and Sooyoung's selfie, her phone rings and she answers.]

Lori: Hey, Carol. I just did. I know, they think they can beat us, with a 'BFF' selfie?! [Sky flying background] Oh, it is so on. [Normal background] Laney! Meet me and Carol in the park in five minutes with a cute dog, a scarf, and a picnic basket! We're doing this NOW! [dashes off]

Laney: [sighs; To the viewers] So much for closure... [iris out]