82. Mall of Duty

Mall of Duty

[The Rip Hardcore show is on; he is leaping through the trees]

Rip: Now, remember, Rippers, if you want to hunt down critters, use the four D's: Droppings, Disturbances, Dens and Diet. [comes across a pile of poop and smells it] Mmm...emu droppings. And it's still warm. With a little luck and my tracking bandanna... [puts on said bandanna] ...I'll be eating emu stew in no time. [howls]

[It's revealed that Lincoln and his younger sisters are watching it]

Lola: Ew! Who is this poop sniffing weirdo?

Lincoln: Rip Hardcore is not a weirdo, Lola. He happens to be the world's leading expert in wilderness survival. [holds up his book with such a title] And a pretty cool guy to boot.

Lola: I'll give you a boot if you don't change it back to the "Power Hour of Princess Time"!

Lynn Sr.: Lynn Jr., let's go! You're late for Rugby!

[Lynn comes down the stairs in her Rugby gear]

Lynn: Think fast, Dad! [chucks her ball at her dad] AWOO! [runs to the car]

Rita: Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, hurry up! The school Open House started five minutes ago! Ugh, these kids. Where are they?

[Vanzilla honks and it's revealed that the aforementioned daughters are already in; Lori waves to her mom]

Rita: Oh. They're waiting for me.

Lynn Sr.: Thanks for taking care of your little sisters today, Lincoln. You're really helping us out of a jam.

Rita: [looks at her watch] We'll be back by 5:00. We are proud of you for being so responsible.

[The parents leave]

Lincoln: Thanks for helping me, Laney. It gets rought trying to handle these guys.

Laney: Come on, Lincoln. They're not that hard to take care of. Besides, mom and dad can trust you can be responsible. It's not like you'll lose them or something.

[Just then, a commercial came on]

Rip: Hey there, Rippers. My Hardcore Mall Tour is coming to a mall near you. Today...

Robotic voiceover: Saturday.

Rip: ...I'll be signing copies of my new survival guide at...

Robotic voiceover: The Royal Woods Mall.

Lincoln: [gasps] Rip is at the Royal Woods Mall today? I gotta go get my book signed!

Laney: But, Lincoln. You need be here watching us.

Lincoln: No worries, Lanes. If I'm home by 5:00, they'll never have to know. [to his younger sisters] Who wants to go to the mall?

Laney: I got a bad feeling about this...

[The mall; the kids are waiting in line]

Lana: Ugh. Lincoln, this is lame. Can't we go do something fun?

Lincoln: Right after we wait in this really short line to get Rip's autograph.

Lucy: Is the really short line at the end of this really long line?

[Pan-out to show the ridiculous length of the line]

Laney: Maybe we can do something to pass the time?

Lincoln: Right! How about we play a game? I Spy. I'll go first. I spy...

Lisa: Somehow who is not keeping his sisters intellectually stimulated.

Tough guy: [laughs] Burn.

[Lincoln glares at him]

Lincoln: How about 20 Questions? Lola, you first. Person, place, or thing?

Lola:Person.

Lincoln: [covering his baby sisters ears] Alive or dead?

Lola: [looks at her brother, observingly] Alive...for now. But he's pushing his luck!

Lincoln: Okay... [takes out his yo-yo] ...how about we take a trip around the world? [twirls it around and slips it right on the tough guy's eye] Oh. Sorry. [takes his yo-yo back]

Lucy: Lincoln, you've tortured us long enough. We're leaving.

[The younger sisters sans Lily and Laney prepare to leave]

Lincoln: [stops them] No, wait!

Flip: Flippees for sale! Buy one, get a second one at the exact same price!

[Lincoln goes to the Flippee stand and gets some for his sisters]

Lincoln:Okay... [hands two to Lola and Lana] ...you two get raspberry... [gives two to Lisa and Lily] ...you two get lime... [gives one to Lucy] ...you get black... [gives one to Laney] You get cherry. [gives one to the big guy] ...and a lemon Flippee for the good-natured gentleman in back of us.

[The guy takes a sip, but...]

Tough guy: This isn't lemon. It's banana.

Lincoln: Well, who doesn't love banana?

Tough guy: [breaks out in hives] People who have banana allergies!

Laney: Don't worry, sir. [reaches into her backpack] I think I have a epipen in here somewhere... [finds three epipens] Um. I don't think have one for banana... sorry.

Lana: I finished my Flippee! I gotta pee.

Lucy: Me too.

Lola: Me three!

Lisa: Uh, I, too, need to see a man about a horse.

Lincoln: Uh, Laney? Can you hold our spot.

Laney: Sorry, I can't. I finished mine too...

Lincoln: [frantically thinking] Uh...um... [to the big guy] Can you save our place while I take them to the bathroom? Please?

Tough guy: Sure, kid. No problem.

Lincoln: Thanks. Let's go.

[They all rush to the bathroom]

[They come back]

Lincoln: Thanks again.

Tough guy: [stops the kids] Excuse me? I've never seen you before! Of course, my eyes are pretty swollen from these hives, so...

Lincoln: I'm really sorry about that.

Tough guy: Back of the line, pal!

Lincoln: But the line's, like, twice as long now!

[The girls groan in frustration and they all go back to the increasingly long line. Laney stops and gives the tough guy a lotion]

Laney: Here. This shoul treat the hives... [walks away]

[At the back of the line]

Lincoln: I know this looks bad, but we'll be there before you know it.

Lady: [coming by with her signed book] Oh, yes! That two-hour wait was so worth it! [howls]

Scoots: Two hours? Rip's my BAE, but nobody keeps Scoots waiting. I'm getting a soft pretzel. [drives off]

Lucy: Forget it, Lincoln. We're done with this line.

[The train ride toots its horn, catching Lincoln's attention]

Lincoln: Yes you are!

[The little sisters are now in the train]

Lincoln: All aboard! [gets out a quarter] It's my treat. [puts it in the slot and the ride starts]

Lola: Lincoln, we're bored.

Lincoln: [warily] Of course you're bored. You aren't wearing your conductor hats! [gives them each a hat which only Lily likes]

Lola: This is unsanitary.

Lisa: [sarcastic] Oh, yes. This makes all the difference.

Lincoln: Then let's go for the 20-ride special! [puts all his quarters in the slot, causing it to shake a little]

Laney: Uh, Lincoln? Are you sure it's a good idea to put all those quarters in?

Lincoln: Of course it is, Laney. And besides, you'll be there to watch over them. Later! [Runs back to the long line]

Laney: [crosses her arms; sarcastically] Oh wow. You're doing a great job being responible, Lincoln. [She then notices the train getting faster]

Sisters (sans Lily): Wooooaah!

Laney: Uh oh! Hang on guys! [Holds on to a part the train as it goes faster] Uhhh! I knew this was a bad idea! Okay, stay calm! I'll get you all out of here! Just, remain seated while I find the- [She then smashes into the meter and everything goes black]

[Cut to Lincoln in the long line at the bookstore. He waits a really, really, really long time till he's next]

Lincoln: Yes! I'm next! [goes in nervously]

Rip: How's it going, buddy? [gets no response from Lincoln] I, uh, see you've got a copy of my book there. Would you like me to sign it? [still no response] I'll just take that. [takes Lincoln's book and signs Your mate, Rip Hardcore in it and gives it back] Rippin' to meet ya.

[Lincoln scuttles out of the book store, regains his nerves, and looks at his watch]

Lincoln: Now I just gotta grab my sisters and get home. [goes back to the train ride] Okay, guys, now we can do whatever you... [sees the train is gone] Where'd they go? [Sees Laney on the floor groaning] Laney! [Runs up to her and shakes her] Laney! Are you okay.

Laney: [woozy] Woah man... I had the strangest dream. I was on a speeding train with four kids...

Lincoln: The kids! Laney, what happened?

Laney: [confused] Laney? Who's Laney?

Lincoln: What are you talking about? You're Laney.

Laney: [still confused] I'm sorry kid. You must've mistaken me for someone else.

Lincoln: What the? Oh, I see. You're pretending to have amnesia so you can get out of paying Luna that 20 dollars you owe her.

Laney: Who's Luna?

Lincoln: [laughs] Okay, I'll play along. Where are the other siblings?

Laney: Umm... Are you lost or something? [rubs her head] Oh, my head. [Lincoln notices the big red bruise on her forehead]

Lincoln: [shocked] Holy cow! You do have amnesia! Oh, what have I done!? [panicking] Okay! Okay! No problem! [Looks at his watch] We still have an hour and a half to fix this! Okay, Laney. You have to remember, it's me. Lincoln.

Laney: Lincoln? What kind of parents name thier son after some dead president?

Lincoln: Oh, I'm so dead... Okay, nevermind. How do I find the others? [Notices the tire tracks] Aha! I'll just follow these tracks! [follows them, but bumps into a janitor who is cleaning the floor with a floor sweeper] How am I ever going to track them down? [realizes] Wait! Track! [looks in the book] How to purify urine...how to build a fire with toenails... Ah! How to track animals in the wild. With a little luck, my tracking bandanna, and the Four D's, I'll find my sisters in no time.

Laney: Sisters? I have sisters?

Lincoln: Yes, Laney! 10 of them. All girls. And I'm the only boy.

Laney: Only boy? How does that... [she remembers something and gasps] Lincoln! [hugs him] I remember now! I do have a brother!

Lincoln: Yeah!

Laney: And I have ten sisters!

Lincoln: Yeah!

Laney: And you're completely irresponsible.

Lincoln: [less happy] Yeah... But! I'm gonna fix this! I will help you remember! Come on! [he grabs Laney and begins his search] Disturbances, dens, diet... [notices something] Oh! Droppings. [dips a half-eaten corn dog in the droppings and it disintegrates] Just as I suspected: Lisa's chemicals. She can't be far.

Laney: [Stil amnesiac] Lisa? Is she one of my sisters you're talking about?

Lincoln: Yes! Remember? She's the genius one. Always making chemicals and inventions and solves complex math equations.

Laney: Wow. She sounds a university's professor. Are you sure she's my sister?

Lincoln: Trust me. [The trail leads him and Laney to the appliance store that a ton of people flee in terror screaming, revealing a robot created by none other than Lisa]

Lisa: Greetings, brother and sister. The devices in this store were highly inefficient. They only performed one task each. So I combined them into one appliance that can do anything.

Appliance Robot: [showing some demos] CRUSHED ICE? PRESSED SHIRT?

Laney: Speaking of ice. Do you think I can have some? My head is pounding... [rubs her head. Lisa then notices her bruise]

Lisa: Hmm. You seem to be suffering severe head trauma, Laney. Luckily my robot is also programmed for first aid. [Lisa's robot shows some bandages]

Appliance Robot: BANDAGE? GAUZE?

Laney: Uh. I still don't see how she's my sister.

Lincoln: [to Lisa] She's got amnesia.

Lisa: I see. Then again, that probably happened because of your irresponsibily. Laney, might I reccomend you take some thiamin? It's a common vitamin that can help treat retrograde amnesia.

Laney: Retrograde amnesia?

Lisa: Indeed. It's very common for people to have this and not remember anything prior to their injury.

Laney: [confused] I can't seem to understand all that... [gasps and realizes] Science talk! Lisa! Now I remember! [Hugs Lisa] Where would I be without your big brain of yours?

Lisa: I can dream, can't I?

Lincoln: Okay, that's enough of that. Where are the others?

Lisa: I am uncertain. I was ejected from the train when we took a sharp turn at the sofa store. It was clearly overstimulated by the excessive quarters you fed it.

Lincoln: Come on! We have to find them! [takes Lisa and Laney and moves out; finds another D] Oh! Disturbances.

Lisa: What are you babbling about?

Lincoln: Rip says... [he quotes as a picture of Rip appears in the corner of the screen] ...you can tell if an animal has been around by a disturbance in the environment. Look!

[They look at a clothing store and find one mannequin wearing a gothic style outfit accompanied by a familiar spooky fanfare]

Laney: Ugh... Creepy. Who'd put that on display?

Lincoln and Lisa: Lucy.

Laney: Lucy?

Lincoln: Yeah. She's the creepy one.

Laney: I see that...

[Lucy is giving Flip a fortune]

Flip: Alright, little psychic girl, give me some good news.

Lucy: [looking into her crystal ball] Ohmmmm...your business will soon make a big splash.

Lincoln: [grabs her] Sorry, folks, no more fortunes today.

Flip: Sweet! A great fortune, and I don't have to pay! [drinks his Flippee]

Laney: [Looks at Lucy oddly] So... You're my sister, huh?

Lincoln: [To Lucy] She's got amnesia.

Lucy: Sigh... Of course. We're all victims of memory, constanly fading away. Like our existences mean nothing more than figments of imagination...

Laney: [down] Wow... that sounds. [realizes again] Depressing! [Hugs Lucy] Lucy! It is you! [feels awkward as Lucy just stares at her] Um... maybe I should stop with the hugging...

Lincoln: Perfect! I'm one step closer to fixing everything. But I still need to find all my sisters. Hmm... No droppings, no disturbances... [stops] Wait a minute. Den! Rip says... [Rip square appears again] ...you can track a creature by finding its natural habitat.

[Rip gives Lincoln a thumbs up and they notice the Princess Palace]

Lincoln, Lisa and Lucy: Lola.

Laney: Lola?

Lucy: I think the princess palace should be expanation enough.

[They go inside and find a bunch of kids looking at Lola who is sitting on a throne]

Lincoln: Lola, playtime's over. We gotta go.

Lola: That's no way to speak to your queen! Send him to the dungeon!

Laney: [remebers] Oh yeah... now it's coming back to me.

[The other kids get ready to attack Lincoln and Laney]

Lincoln: Lola, wait! I just came to tell you, uh...there's another queen outside who says she's more powerful than you.

Lola: What? Well, I'll have her head!

[They charge out of the store and find nothing]

Lola: There's no one here. You lied! Well played, sir.

Laney: I just wish I can forget how much of a brat she is...

Lola: Brat!?

Lincoln: Don't hurt her! She has amnesia!

Lola: Bah! I bet she just pretend so she can get out of paying Luna that 20 bucks she owes her!

Laney: [scratches her head in confusion] Are you sure I even belong in this family? You guys are crazy!

Lincoln: Trust me. You get used to it. Let's move out.

[The others follow while Lola stops]

Lola: [to her subjects] Take care of my kingdom! [leaves]

[They continue and Lincoln finds some bones]

Lincoln: Aha! I found another D: Diet!

Lucy: Lincoln, that's not human food.

Lincoln: It is if the human is...

[They all notice they're right by the pet shop]

Lincoln, Lisa, Lucy, and Lola: Lana.

Laney: Do I even have to ask about this one?

[Lincoln enters and finds Lana in a duck pen]

Lincoln: Lana, out. Let's go.

Lana: No can do, Lincoln. I gotta keep these duck eggs warm.

[The eggs hatch into ducklings; Lana comes out of the pen]

Laney: Awww! They're so cute! You really have a thing for animals don't you Lana? [gasps as she remembers again] Lana! I forgot how much you love animals!

Lana: What's up with Laney?

Lincoln: [To Lana] Long story short: she has amnesia and I'm trying to help her remember.

Lana: How did that happen?

Lincoln: Uhh.. Well, it definitely wasn't my fault. That's for sure! Now, let's go. [They leave and the ducks come out of their pen]

Lincoln: [looking at his watch] Okay, we still have time to get home before Mom and Dad.

Laney: Well, let's hurry up and get home. I could really use a rest after this whole day.

Lucy: So, we're just leaving Lily here?

Lincoln: Gah! Lily! I totally forgot! Where is she

Laney: Wait. I thought we got everybody.

Lincoln: No! We have one baby sister! But where is she?

Lana: Probably still on the train. She really liked that train.

[The train comes whizzing by with Lily still riding it]

Laney: Somebody stop that train!

Lincoln: [puts his other sisters on a bench] You guys stay here. [he and Laney run off]

[The ducklings suddenly appear and leap into Lana's arms. The train whizzes past Scoots who is at Flip's stand with Lincoln and Laney trying to catch up]

Lincoln: Um, excuse me, Ms. Scoots. Could you give me a ride, please? I need to catch that train.

Scoots: Uh, that sounds like a "you" problem.

Laney: But there is a baby in there! We have to stop her befer she gets hurt!

Scoots: Again, "you" problem.

Lincoln: [gets out his book] Look, you didn't get an autograph from Rip, right? How about if I give you mine?

Scoots: My BAE signed this? Deal! [takes the book, gives Lincoln and Laney helmets, puts them on and drives] OUTTA THE WAY, MOUTH-BREATHERS!

Lily: Choo-choo!

[The train goes around the mall with Scoots in hot pursuit. They catch up and Lincoln hops aboard, going one car at a time, but just as he's about to grab Lily, the engine and the cars separate and go down different paths. Lincoln uses his yo-yo as a rope to swing into the engine. They crash into many kiosks, including Flip's. Flip falls into the fountain]

Flip: Spooky psychic girl was right. My business did make a big splash.

[Lincoln gets Lily off the train]

Lola: Good job, Linky.

Lincoln: Thanks. Well, we'd better get going.

Lucy: Wait. What happened to your signed book? Isn't that the whole reason we came here?

Lincoln: I gave it to Scoots so she'd help me catch Lily.

Lisa: [remorseful] Oh, sorry, big brother. For reasons incomprehensible to me, I know that autograph was important to you.

Lincoln: Not as important as you guys. I never should have dragged you here in the first place. I was supposed to be responsible for you. [takes off his bandanna] I'm sorry.

Lana: It's okay, big brother. We forgive you.

Lola: [skeptical] Ish.

Laney: Wow, Lincoln. You really are responsible giving up your book like that. [remebers for one last time] I remember everything! Well, at least what happened today. Thanks, Lincoln. I guess you can be responsible.

Lincoln: You're welcome. Now, let's go home.

[They get ready to leave]

Appliance Robot: May I come with?

Lisa: Negatory. Your services are needed more here than in my home. This mall requires a thorough clean-up. Make me proud.

[She leaves and the robot gets to work]

As soon as the kids got home, Lincoln and the others got to work on regaining Laney's memory. It wasn't before long until everything was back to normal as if the whole mall episode never happened.

[Back home, the kids are doing what they did before they left as if nothing happened. Laney holds and ice pack to her head]

Lincoln: Again, Laney. I'm sorry that my irresponsbility caused you to lose your memory.

Laney: That's okay, Lincoln. Today, you proved that you can be a responsible brother after all. Well, in your own weird way. But I still like my way better. No one gets hurt that way.

[Their parents and older sisters return]

Rita: Hey, guys. We're home.

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, guess what? We stopped at the mall, and Rip Hardcore was there signing books! We know you're a big fan, so we got you one. [gives Lincoln an autographed book]

[Lincoln opens it up and finds the autograph there]

Rita: A little thank you for helping us out today. It's so great that we can count on you.

Lincoln: [guilty] Actually, I have to tell you something. The truth is-

Lana: [shuts him up] He let us jump on the bed.

Lucy: But only because we kept bugging him.

Lisa: Lincoln was a top-rate babysitter.

Laney: And might I add, very responsible.

Lola: I give him a 9 out of 10.

Lynn Sr.: [chuckles] I think we can live with that.

[The parents leave]

Lincoln: What'd ya do that for?

Lana: That was my little thank you for letting us keep the ducklings.

Lincoln: [aghast] Wait, what?!

[Lucy, Lola, and Lisa each hold up a duckling, showing that they came with them and mama Lana]

Laney: Yay! New pets!