81. Snow Way Out

Snow Way Out

One cold day in the Loud house, Laney could only see all the snow falling from the sky. If there's on thing Laney likes about this time of season, it's playing in the snow.

[Laney looks out the window and sighs happily at the snow falling from the ground]

Laney: [sighs] I love the snow... [Sees Lana running to the kitchen] Hey, Lana. Wanna go out sledding later?

Lana: No time! My racecar hero Bobbie Fletcher's at the Burpin' Burger holding a contest! We gotta go!

Laney: Wait! THE Bobbie Fletcher? [beat] Never heard of her. But I have heard about those delicious burgers!

Lana: Come on! Let's get the others! [Grabs Laney and dashes off]

[In the kitchen, Leni turns on her dryer and points it to a pot of goulash, as her way of defrosting it.]

Leni: Dinner's almost ready, guys!

[The camera zooms out, showing the Loud siblings (except Lana, Laney, and Lily) watching what Leni is doing.]

Lincoln: Uh, Leni, what are you doing?

Leni: Defrosting the goulash Dad left us.

Lori: Maybe you should try the stove.

Leni: Good idea. I was worried this would give goulash split-ends, anyway.

Lana: Forget the goulash! My favorite racecar driver Bobbie Fletcher is holding a contest tonight at the Burpin' Burger! [fantasy of Lana winning the wrapper appears.] Whoever finds a burger with a tire mark wrapper gets to be an honorary member of her pit crew!

Bobbie: [in Lana's imagination, opens the window of her car and the window of her racing helmet.] I see you got the winning wrapper! Welcome aboard, Lana!

[Lana, in a racing outfit, holds a burger wrapper with tire tracks that reads WINNER. End fantasy with Lana in the same pose]

Lana: I know what you're gonna say. Mom and Dad left us plenty of food to eat while they're away for the weekend, but-

[The horn on Vanzilla honks. Lana and Laney notice their siblings left and are now in the car]

Lincoln: You had us at "Burpin' Burger"!

Laney: [laughs] I think they're just in it for the burgers.

Lana: [eagerly grabs her coat] HOPS! JACKET JUMP!

[Hops hops right into Lana's jacket and winks at Lana]

Lana: [rushes out the door] Whoo-hoo! Yeah! [Laney follows her]

Lisa: Siblings, I'd like to call your attention to the rapidly descending ice crystals, street name, snow!

Lana: Fine, Lis. You can stay here and eat the goulash.

Lisa: I call shotgun! [rushes in]

[Burpin' Burger. Lori parks Vanzilla and the kids get out to the promotion stand]

Announcer: Please welcome racing champion, Bobbie Fletcher!

[Bobbie's car comes up onto the stage with the crowd cheering. She gets out and takes off her helmet]

Lana: Yes!

Lola: There she is!

Laney: Wow. A real racecar driver!

Bobbie: Thanks for coming out, racing fans! I wanna give a huge thanks to my sponsor, Burpin' Burger. Let me tell ya, you can't get past the starting line without quality fuel, and mine is right here. [holds up a burger] The Big Belcher with extra pickles. [takes a bite]

[The crowd cheers some more]

Laney: [drools] Mmmmm... Big belcher...

Bobbie: I can't wait to have one of you folks on my pit crew. All you gotta do is find the burger wrapper that looks just like this. [holds up the wrapper with tired tracks that reads WINNER]

Laney: [To Lana] This contest is gonna be a cinch! I can almost taste that big belcher.

Bobbie: Ladies and gentlemen, start your stomachs! [waves the green flag]

[A horn blares and the crowd rushes into the restaurant, but Flip cuts right to the front]

Laney: [growls] Flip! We were here first!

Flip: Oh yeah, sister? I don't see your name on this line. [Laney growls even more]

Laney never liked Flip. And who would? Flip was never an honest man. He'd always find a way to scam people out of their money and take advantage of them.

Flip: Give me a dozen burgers, and try to make one of them the winner!

Employee: A dozen? Wow. You must really want to be on that pit crew.

Flip: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah. Bippity Fletchman, huge fan.

Laney: Bobbie Fletcher...

Flip: No one asked you, squirt.

Laney: SQUIRT?! THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA- [Laney tries to attack Flip but her sisters hold her back] Let me go! Let me go!

Flip: Anywho. I'm just gonna sell the winning wrapper to some sucker for big bucks. [The employee brings him his burgers] Come to Flippy! [starts opening up his wrappers]

Lana: [begging with her fingers crossed] No wrapper, no wrapper, no wrapper.

Laney: Don't worry, Lana. He'll never win. Cheaters never prosper.

Flip: Dang it! All losers! Keep those burgers cookin', slim, 'cuz I'll be back for more once I scratch up some moolah. [leaves]

[The Loud Kids are next]

Lana: We'd like eleven Big Belchers and one Baby Belcher, please.

Employee: Okay, that'll be $25.

Lana: Uh, don't worry, guys. I got this. [rummages through her pocket and picks out a gross wad with a bunch of stuff stuck to it] Let's see. My gum collection...banana peel...owl's foot...ah, here it is. [gives the employee a coupon]

Employee: Oh. One of our Kids Eat Free coupons. Great. [beat] Wait. Did you just say owl's foot?

Luan: Yeah! Isn't she a hoot? [laughs]

Employee: [unimpressed] Next.

[The others are waiting and Lana brings them their burgers]

Lana: Alright, guys, dig in.

[The kids chow down on their burgers. When they finish, Lana looks for the wrapper, but none of them are the one]

Leni: Sorry we didn't find the winning wrapper, Lana.

Laney: But if it makes you feel any better. Those burgers were delicious.

[Hops wipes a tear from Lana with his tongue. Lisa is observing the snow]

Lisa: The frozen precipitation is accumulating rapidly. I suggest we skedaddle.

Lana: Wait! Don't you guys want another round?

Lynn and Laney: [astonished] We can have seconds?

Lincoln: How are we gonna pay for it?

[Lana peeks out from behind the trash bin and notices the coupon still jutting out from the register]

Lana: Hops. Sticky snag.

[Hops grabs the coupon with his tongue]

Lana: [snatches it] Bull's eye. [goes to the counter] I'll take 12 more burgers, please. And I have another coupon. [gives it to the employee]

Employee: [groans with the coupon stuck to his hand] Why is it so sticky?

[Lana and Hops wink. Another round of burgers later, everyone except Lana and Laney looks queasy from eating their seconds. Lola belches]

Lana: Ugh. Still nothing. We have to order more burgers!

Lisa: Uh, in light of the worsening meteorological conditions... [burps] ...perhaps we should follow the lead of the other patrons and amscray.

[The others are leaving]

Hefty Blonde: Come on. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Unknown Woman: I do not like the look of that sky.

Lana: Oh, let them leave. That'll make our chances even better. Come on, you guys, one more round.

[The others except Laney groan in nausea]

Lincoln: [queasy] I can't eat anything else.

Luan: [nauseated] I can't even joke about burgers right now.

Laney: I can go for another round!

Lincoln: Seriously? How can you not feel full after all those burgers?

Laney: Well, what can I say? I'm always one to support my sisters. And also mostly because I LOVE burpin' burgers! [Belches]

Lucy: Too much if you ask me...

Lana: Great. Laney can eat some of the burgers, and Hops and I will take some home for breakfast.

[Hops burps and the others sigh]

Lana: Great. Be right back. Don't move. [grabs Hops and steps on Leni's legs out of the booth to the dumb blonde's shock]

[Lana is behind the bin again and the coupon is still jutting out. Hops fires his tongue, but this time, the employee puts a meal on the counter, causing his tongue to hide the shake dispenser, pouring shake on the floor and making the employee slip and fall]

Lana: Let's try that again, buddy.

[Hops lands his tongue on the coupon this time, but the employee grabs it]

Employee: Hey, you little sneak! [tears up the coupon] You want more burgers, you gotta pay for them!

Lana: [nervous] Okay, um, not a prob. [gathers up loose change under the booths, in the potted plants plus a worm for Hops, under the table with some gum, and in the ball pit; pours little change and some junk on the counter] 12 more burgers, please.

Employee: [grossed out] Jeez. [reaches for one of the pieces of junk]

Lana: [grabs it] Whoops. That's my chicken beak.

[The employee, disgusted, takes the rest, puts it in the register, and gives Lana the burgers]

Employee: Are you guys almost done? I wanna get outta here. I rode my bike to work.

Lana: Don't worry. We'll be leaving soon. I got a great feeling about this batch.

Laney: Me too!

[All the wrappers are unwrapped]

Lincoln: Sorry, Lana. I don't have it.

Luna: Me neither, dude.

Luan: Same here. I guess that's a wrap! [laughs and realizes the bad timing] Oh. Sorry.

[Only one wrapper left. Lana opens it up, and it's not the winner]

Lana: [heartbroken] Dang it. I guess I'm not gonna be on Bobbie Fletcher's pit crew.

Laney: [pats Lana's head] That's okay, Lana. Maybe someday you'll be on her crew.

Leni: [grossed out] Ew. Someone wrapped my burger in this dirty old rag.

[She's actually holding the winning wrapper]

Lana: [overjoyed] LENI! YOU FOUND IT! YOU FOUND IT! [takes it and laughs]

Employee: Finally. [puts on his helmet and closes up the counter]

Lana: [laughs some more] Finding this wrapper means the world to me. Thanks for all your help, guys.

Lynn: Alright, now let's get home so I can let 'em rip in privacy.

Lucy: [gags; to Luna and Luan] Can we bunk with you guys tonight?

[They're about to leave. Leni opens the door and walks into some white stuff, making her siblings gasp]

Leni: Oops. This must be the closet where they keep their snow.

Lincoln: No, Leni. We're snowed in.

[Outside shows that they are indeed trapped]

Luna: "Aw, man. Are we gonna be stuck here all night?"

Employee: [devastated] "No! I just worked a 12-hour shift! I can't take another second in this greasy dungeon!"

[He tries to cycle his way through the snow, but it's useless. The kids pull him out and put him in a chair]

Luan: Sorry, buddy, there's snow way out! [giggles]

[The employee starts crying and Laney comforts him. Suddenly, a loud engine is heard and some tires screech, causing a thud, and it turns out to be Flip]

Flip: Guess who just earned a bunch of cheddar digging stranded suckers out of the snow? [holds out his money] Lay a dozen burgers on me, bicycle boy!

Lana: You can save your cheddar. I already found the winning wrapper.

Flip: What?! Bull hockey! That baby was gonna make me a fortune! I'm out!

Lincoln: Flip, wait! Can you give us a ride home? We're stuck here.

Flip: Stuck, are ya? I can help you out...for a price. Let's say, uh, I don't know...one winning wrapper?

Laney: Forget it you weasel! We stomached through too many burgers to give this up now! We'll find our own way out!

Flip: Suit yourself, but this offer expires the second that door hits my keister.

[The employee latches onto Flip]

Employee: [frantic] Wait! I'll give you anything! My employee discount!

Flip: Throw in a jumbo sack of curly fries and you got a deal.

Employee: [grabs the sack and runs out] I'm free!

Flip: [to the kids] Catch ya on the Flip side! [leaves]

Laney: Bah! We don't need him! We got this!

Lori: Well, I hope you know what you're doing, guys, because I am literally not sleeping on hamburger wrappers.

Lana: No worries. Flip's truck cleared the path, so we just need to make it to Vanzilla.

[Flip's truck backs right into the restaurant]

Flip: Whoops!

[As he drives away, more snow falls and blocks the exit, making the kids groan]

Laney: [Shakes her fist angrily] YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!

Lana: Don't worry, I got this. Trust me. I'll get us out. [looks behind the counter and finds some fry scoops] And I know just how to do it.

[Lana and Laney are digging through the snow with the fry scoops and smells something]

Lana: Leaky gas and old string cheese. [sniffs some more] We're close to Vanzilla.

Laney: How did you know?

Lana: Charles has been giving me bloodhound lessons. [digs all the way to one of Vanzilla's doors] There you are, old girl! I'll have you out in a jiffy. [unearths Vanzilla] Hey, guys! We're going home!

[The kids are now in Vanzilla]

Lori: You literally did it, guys!

Lana: Thanks. [the others cheer for her and Laney] Ha. And you guys wanted me to give my wrapper to Flip.

Laney: Uh, we never wanted you to do that. And thank goodness we didn't!

[Lori tries to start the engine up, but it doesn't start]

Lana: Hmm...better check the engine block. [opens the hood] Of ice?

[The others groan]

Lola: If you'd just let Flip give us a ride, we'd be home by now!

Laney: Hey! No way are we gonna give Lana's dream away just so it can be a part of Flip's scam!

Lori: [groans while looking at her phone] There's no signal here! I'm gonna warm up inside and use the landline!

[The others go back in the restaurant]

Lana: Don't worry, Hops. We'll figure this out.

Laney: Already have! [dashes off and returns with a bucket of grease] Nothing warms a car up like hot burger grease! [Tries to toss the grease but it froze into a block of ice and it falls to the ground] Frozen burger grease... [sighs] Now what do we do?

Lana: [Gets an idea] I know just the thing. [goes inside and brings back something] Burger warming lamp!

[She turns it on, but it short circuits and causes a blackout in the restaurant]

Lana and Laney's Siblings: Dang it.

[The kids are shivering in the dark]

Lori: No signal. No landline. Bobby has no idea where I am. I feel so alone.

Lola: Bobby is the least of our problems! I'm so cold I can't feel my tushie!

Lincoln: Come on, guys. We need to stay positive. We could be here all night.

[Hops notices this, hops to Lana and Laney, and gets their attention while Lana's trying to defrost the engine]

Laney: I think Hops is trying to tell us something.

Lana: Hops, not now. We'll play later. [Hops grabs her and leads her back to the restaurant] Hops.

[Hops shows Lana the condition her siblings are in. Lily starts coughing]

Lori: Oh, poor thing. I'll keep you warm.

Leni: [with napkins she put together] I made cute shawls. Who wants one?

Lola: I'd rather freeze my tushie off than be seen wearing n-n-napkins.

Lucy: If we huddle together and conserve our dwindling body heat, we may be able to stave off hypothermia.

[They all huddle up]

Lucy: I forgot how much I hate huddling.

Lana: [guilty] Aw, man. I've been so selfish. [crawls back]

Laney: What happened?

Lana: All our siblings are stuck freezng to death in there. And it's all my fault.

Laney: Oh no! Then we better hurry and de-ice this thing! [Laney tries to pick the ice using the pointy end of her paintbrush but Lana stops her]

Lana: No, Laney. I got a better idea. But, you're not going to like it...

[Later, a rumbling occurs and in comes what looks like a snow monster, making Lana's siblings scream in horror, but it shakes and reveals to be Flip]

Lincoln: Flip? What are you doing here?

Lana: [appears behind him] I tracked him down. I just followed the smell of curly fries and B.O.

Laney: [Also appears behind Flip pouting] Believe me. It wasn't my idea.

Lana: To be fair, I did told you you're not gonna like it.

Laney: You never said I'd hate it!

Lisa: You went out in these conditions? You could have lost a digit to frostbite.

Lana: I had to. I couldn't let you guys suffer all night because of me. So now Flip will take us home.

Flip: Right after I get that wrapper.

[Lana reluctantly hands the wrapper over to Flip, to everyone's shock]

Lincoln: We know how much that wrapper meant to you. Thanks for giving it up and getting us out of here. [hugs Lana]

Laney: I don't like Flip. I mean like at all. But today, you did something that he couldn't do: the right thing. [Hugs Lana]

[The others join in]

Lynn: Thanks, Lans.

Luna: Mighty dece of you.

Luan: We know how much this means to you, Lana.

[Flip's truck is pushing through the snow]

Laney: [Comforts Lana] Don't worry, Lana. I'm sure there will be some other way to be on Bobbie's pit crew]

[Just then they notice someone out there]

Flip: Well, lookie here, another sucker.

[It's revealed to be Bobbie Fletcher, and Flip just drives right past her]

Laney: Is that who I think it is?

Flip: Sit tight, chief! I'll be back for you later!

Lana: Wait! That's Bobbie Fletcher! Stop, Flip! We have to help her!

[Flip sighs and backs up to Bobbie's car and Lana gets out to her hero]

Lana: Excuse me, Ms. Fletcher? What happened?

Bobbie: Engine died. This baby can hit 210 in the straightaway, but throw a little snow at her and she conks out.

[Lana looks at the engine]

Lana: Mind if I-

Bobbie: It's all yours.

[Lana is working on the engine]

Lana: See if she'll turn over now.

[Bobbie tries it and it works]

Bobbie: Dang. My pit crew isn't even that fast. What's your name, sport?

Lana: [proud] Lana Loud.

Bobbie: Well, thank you, Lana Loud. [gives Lana her business card] Give me a call when you're 18. I could use someone like you on my team.

Lana: Wow! Thanks! [goes back into Flip's truck]

Laney: Looks like you got lucky after all!

[Her siblings cheer]

Lori: Way to go, Lana.

[Flip is unimpressed and rolls down his window]

Flip: Hey, Blippity Fletchman! She may have fixed your car, but I'm the one who brought her here. How about a little something for me?

Bobbie: Coming right up, pal.

[Bobbie revs up her engine and speeds off, blasting some snow all over Flip]

Laney: [smirks] Now that's what I call a chilly reception. [laughs with her siblings. Flip groans]