62. Funny Business

Funny Business

It was a peaceful day in the Loud house. One which you don't find very often in this house. Laney was quietly trading reads with her beloved brother, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Ahh, nothing like reading comics on a peaceful summer-

[A horn is honking and Lincoln screams, startled at the sound; it came from Luan in her clown outfit carrying her birthday props on a unicycle.]

Laney: Hey, Luan.

Luan: Woah! A little help? [falls off her unicycle]

Lincoln: [helps her up] Back from another birthday party?

Luan: [a bowling pin falls out of her mouth] Uh, my third gig this weekend. I could really use an assistant. Hey, what about you two? Laney, you're a huge load of help. And Lincoln, you're good with Gary.

[Gary chomps on Lincoln's comic.]

Lincoln: Hey, stop that! I thought Lucy was helping you.

[Flashback of Luan performing balloon animals at a circus themed birthday party.]

Luan: And now, if my assistant will just hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl.

[As Luan sees an empty corner, Lucy appears behind her with a balloon and startles her.]

Boy: [To Lucy] You killed the dinosaur!

[The kids start booing. A red FIRED sign appears over Lucy's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Luan: [Picks up a rubber chicken] Lucy didn't work out. Neither did Lynn.

[Flashback of Luan juggling fruit while riding on a unicycle at a pirate themed birthday party.]

Luan: Water you say we add some melon?

[The kids cheer. Lynn throws a watermelon, but accidentally hits Luan. The kids boo the performance. A red FIRED sign appears over Lynn's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Luan: Or Leni.

[Flashback to another circus themed birthday party.]

Luan: Why are clowns never bored? Cause we're good at keeping occu- pied . [clears throat] I said, good at keeping occu-pied .

[Luan looks where Leni is, but there's nothing there but a pie. She turns and sees Leni in the crowd. Luan facepalms at this, walks to the pie and slaps it to her face, making the kids and Leni cheer. A red FIRED sign appears over Leni's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Luan: Or Lisa.

[Flashback to a medieval themed birthday party as Luan does a trumpet fanfare dressed as a jester.]

Luan: Hey, Birthday Boy. Why don't you take the seat of honor?

[As the boy sits down, a farting noise from the Whoopee cushion is heard which Luan and the other kids laugh at.]

Lisa: [taking the cake away] No, no! No one eat that cake! It clearly causes gastrointestinal distress.

[The kids start crying. A red FIRED sign appears over Lisa's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]

Laney: Well, Luan. We'd be glad to be your fifth and sixth choices. Right, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [sarcastic] Yeah, I'm honored.

Luan: Come on, Lincoln. Please? I really need your help.

Lincoln: I don't know. I´m not really the performing type. I don't want to make a fool of myself on stage.

Luan: Don't worry. That's my job. All you two have to do is help with the props.

Lincoln: Uh, I don't know think it's for- [notices Luan holding a slice of cake in a container.] What's that?

Luan: Ah, just birthday cake. I always get sent home with leftovers.

Lincoln: Oh... [starts drooling upon seeing the dessert.]

Luan: Usually I share it with my assistant. But since this job isn't for you-

Lincoln: [Takes the cake] When did I say that?

Laney: I think he's in!

[Luan smiles, A green HIRED sign appears over Lincoln and Laney's Funny Business ID Cards and a bell rings.]

[At the first birthday party, like the one Leni got fired after, Luan is setting up the pie joke from earlier.]

Luan: Why are clowns never bored? Cause we're good at keeping occu- pied .

Laney: [From backstage] That's our cue. [Lincoln is about to throw the pie at Luan's face, but loses balance after tripping on a whipped cream can, Laney grabs the can, but whipped cream is sprayed in her face] Ah! Whipped cream in my eye! Blinding yet delicious! [she stumbles until she slipped and fell onto the presents same as Lincoln]

Lincoln: Sorry!

[The kids are laughing and cheering.]

[Lincoln and Luan are on their way home.]

Lincoln: That was awesome. The part when I tripped and then the audience laughed, and then clapped? Amazing!

Laney: [As she wipes off the whipped cream with a towel] Yeah... but it wasn't with us.

Luan: Glad you enjoyed it. Now here, I need you to clean this. Gary pooped in it.

[Lincoln and Laney get grossed out while a green stinky fume comes out of the top hat.]

Laney: Ugh! That's your cue, Lincoln.

[At the second birthday party, which is another pirate theme, Luan is juggling fruit while riding on her unicycle.]

Luan: Water you say we add some melon?

[The kids cheer. Lincoln appears running on a watermelon.]

Lincoln: [loses balance] Whoa, nelly! [falls on it]

[The kids laugh, Laney runs over to clean up the mess but she slips on a watermelon rind and crashes into Luan. She glares at Laney and two strawberries and a banana to form a smiley face falls on her]

[Luna's and Luan's room]

Lincoln: Man, great crowd, huh?

Luan: Yeah, super. So, what was that all about with the watermelon?

Laney: I'm so sorry, Luan. I was just trying to help. Honest I was.

Lincoln: Laney's fumble was a complete accident. But the way I did it really reeled in the audience so-

Luan: Let me worry about the audience. You take care of deodorizing these clown shoes.

[Lincoln exits the room while taking the clown shoes]

Laney: I'm really sorry for what happened back there. I wasn't trying to be funny.

Luan: Well, the audience seem to think that!

Laney: Luan! I hate people laughing at me! I've never been so embarrased in my life! How is this supposed to be comedy?

Luan: Hmm... Perhaps you need a little lesson on comedy. But, I'll give you another chance. But I'm not sure If Lincoln gets the picture.

Laney: I promise Luan, that Lincoln and I aren't trying to steal your fans.

[At the third birthday party, like the one Lucy got fired after, Luan is making something with balloons.]

Luan: And now, if my assistant will hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl.

Lincoln: [high-pitched voice while covered in balloons.] I went a little overboard with the helium.

Laney: Lincoln! [comes from backstage to get the balloons off Lincoln. But one of the balloons deflate, making a farting sound. The kids laugh at this] No! Not funny!

Lincoln: Whoa, good gravy! [slips and the two of them fall off the stage]

[Luan shakes in anger.]

[At the fourth birthday party, Luan juggles plates on her nose and both hands.]

Luan: What did one plate say to the other? Lunch' is on me.

[She and the kids laugh.]

Lincoln: [holding a stack of plates] Gadzooks! [loses balance and lets his plates and Luan's plates fall down and break.]

[The kids crack up.]

Lincoln: I guess lunch is on me.

[As the kids laugh, Luan gets ticked off at Lincoln.]

Bratty Kid´s Mom: [laughing] He is hilarious!

Fat Mom: I know. LOL. I just learned what that means.

[The other moms look at her unimpressed.]

[At the fifth birthday party, which is another medieval theme, Luan does a trumpet fanfare.]

Luan: All right, Birthday boy. Why don´t you take the seat of honor?

[As Lincoln sits on the seat, the Whoopee cushion's farting noise is heard from under it.]

Lincoln: Holy macaroni! [Lincoln falls back on the chair and Laney tries to push it back but gets crushed and a loud crash was heard]

[The kids laugh like always; Lincoln is signing autographs while Luan angrily puts away her clown stuff. Laney is seen bandaging her wounds]

[while going back home]

Lincoln: Boy, we are killing it. But I've been thinking, maybe you should do a little less of the talky stuff and more of the pratfalls. And Laney you keep trying to help and hurt yourself failing.

[Enraged, Luan then drop all of her supplies and turns to Lincoln, he's shocked.]

Luan: Are you kidding me?!

Lincoln: What?

Luan: Look, Lincoln. Just because you got a few laughs does not make you an expert on clowning. There's a lot more to it than just falling on your butt.

Laney: And getting yourself hurt!

Lincoln: Well, the audience sure seems to like my-

Luan: Lincoln, enough! No more pratfalls. I am the clown. You are the assistant. Now go refill these whoopee cushions.

Lincoln: But they're already inflated.

[Luan deflates them at her brother's face.]

Luan: [frustrated] Not anymore!

[Luan walks to the house, opens the door then slams it.]

Lincoln: Oh, yeah?! Well, that would've been funnier if you'd fallen on your butt!

[At Luna and Luan's room, Lincoln is refilling the whoopee cushions.]

Lincoln: How dare she speak to me like that! [inflates a whoopee cushion] After everything I've done for this business?

Laney: All you've ever done was fall on your butt and include my misfortunes.

Lincoln: Don't be like that, Lanes. The crowd loves you just as much as they love me. We can share the fame.

Laney: No way! There is no fame to share with- [Phone rings] Huh?

Lincoln: [answers it] Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business. Lincoln speaking.

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: Yes, we're available the 11th.

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: What?

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: Oh, really?

Woman on the phone: [chatters]

Lincoln: Great. See you the 11th.

[Luan walks into her room.]

Luan: Who did we just book?

Lincoln: Actually, the correct question would be, who did.. [pulls Laney in] we just book?

Laney: Please don't include me.

Lisa: [calling from her and Lily's room] You're both wrong! It´s 'whom'! [slams her door]

Lincoln: They only wanted me.

Luan: Yeah, right.

Lincoln: It's true. You may not recognize my talent, but apparently the birthday party community does.

Luan: So, what are you gonna do for your act? Fall on your butt for an hour?

Lincoln: That's exactly what I'm going to do, cause the audiences love it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my padded underwear.

[Luan gets angry, kicks the glass case and it shatters. Gary hops down and eats some cake.]

Lincoln: Come, Laney. Our public awaits.

Laney: Your public awaits. I am done hurting myself for other peoples amusement! There's nothing you can say that can make me part of your insipid comedy troupe!

Lincoln: I'll let you have some leftover cake.

Laney: [already dressed in clown attire] I'm in!

[At the sixth and last birthday party]

Lincoln: So, how old is the birthday girl? Four? Five?

Maggie's Mom: Thirteen.

[It's revealed that the birthday party is full of emo tweens. One of them hits a pinata and hugs it immediately.]

Laney: Goths. It had to be goths.

Lincoln: Oh. A little older than usual crowd, but no problem. Our comedy is ageless.

[The next scene, Lincoln throws a banana peel on stage.]

Lincoln: Hey, guys! Who's ready to laugh? [slips on a banana peel] Whoopsie doodle! Now who put this here?

Maggie: Um, you did, obviously.

Lincoln: [whispers] Laney. That's your cue.

Laney: [sighs] The things I do for cake. [comes out with a mop; acts clumsy] Don't worry, Lincoln. I'll clean it up for you. [trips on the mop] Oop! [falls down] Silly me.

Lincoln: [As Laney gets up] Here, sis. These glasses will help you see better. [gives Laney a pair of gag glasse and she wears them and the eyes pop out]

Laney: Gee, that's better! [tries to walk but bumps into Lincoln and they fell onto Maggie's poster]

Lincoln: Eye-a-watha! Guess you should get that perscription checked, Laney!

Maggie: Mom, look what those loser clowns did to my poster.

[Lincoln and Laney take the poster off them. The emos get their phones out and text.]

Lincoln: Oh, look at that! I have a message, too! Mom, didn't I tell you not to text me at... [falls on the table as the cake flies into the air.] Whoa! [the cake lands on Laney.]

Laney: Ugh!

Lincoln: Remember, guys. Never walk and text!

Tween #1: Ugh, now he's gonna lecture us?

Maggie: [scowls] They ruined my cake! Mom, why did you hire them? I swear, if I had a door around me, I would slam it so hard right now!

Lincoln: Um, excuse me, everyone. There will now be a brief, unscheduled intermission. Text amongst yourselves!

[Lincoln and Laney run off stage but are stopped by Maggie's Mom.]

Maggie's Mom: Where are you going? I paid you two to perform for an hour.

Laney: We're doing the best we could. But they aren't laughing.

Maggie's Mom: Well, try something else. You're professional clowns, aren't you?

[Lincoln looks over at the other parents.]

Dad #1: Remind me not to book Funny Business, Inc. for my kid's birthday.

Fat Mom: Me neither.

Bratty Kid's Mom: Oh, me neither. I don't want my kid to hate me.

Lincoln: Sorry, gotta run to the little clown's room.

[Lincoln and Laney run inside a photo booth to call Luan with his phone.]

Luan: Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business!

Lincoln: Luan!

Luan: [makes static noises] I'm sorry, I can't hear you. My clown car's going through a tunnel.

[As Luan hangs up the phone, it rings again and she answers again.]

Lincoln: Luan, it's me.

Luan: I know. That's why I hung up.

[She hangs up the phone again, but it rings once again and she answers once more. She looks irritated.]

Luan: This is a business line, Lincoln! What do you want?

Laney: It's not Lincoln. It's me, Laney. I know you won't listen to him because he has an ego the size of his shoes.

Lincoln: [off-screen] Hey!

Laney: But, listen to the only sister who's only trying to help. You have to come here and help us!

Luan: Why should I help Lincoln? I thought he was the clowning expert.

Lincoln: No, I'm not. You are. You told me there's a lot more to clowning than just falling on your butt, and you were right. Will you please come help us?

Luan: I don't know, Lincoln. Maybe bombing would be a good learning experience for you.

Laney: Please, Luan! The fate of Funny Buisness Inc. depends on it!

Luan: What do you mean?

Lincoln: I think we're ruining the buisness's reputation.

Laney: What do you mean we?

Lincoln: These parents are brutal!

Luan: Don't move! I'll be right there. [hangs up and puts on her helmet, which produces a bizarre squishing sound, meaning only one thing.] Ugh, Gary!

[Gary nervously blushes]

[As Lincoln is still in the photo booth looking nervous, Luan appears on her unicycle.]

Lincoln: Luan! Wait, how did you know I was in here?

Luan: [holds out some photos of Lincoln from the photo booth. Most show Lincoln looking freaked out. Only one he posed for.] Well, this was a pretty good clue.

Lincoln: Oh! So, what's the plan?

Luan: Okay, let's see what we've got here.[observes the crowd] Hmm, Emo tweens. Notoriously tough crowd. But, don't worry, this isn't my first mope fest.

[The next scene, Luan is seen on stage dressed as a mime and pretends to be trapped inside a box.]

Maggie: Oh, I get it. She's, like, trapped in a box. That's exactly how I felt when my mom said I couldn't dye my hair purple.

[Lincoln, who is also dressed as a mime, look from backstage and smile while Luan pretends to climb a ladder.]

Tween #1: Wow. It's like the soul crushing pointlessness of seventh grade.

[Luan goes backstage to get Laney and Lincoln, who is feeling nervous.]

Luan: You ready to do this?

Lincoln: [nervously] I don't know.

Luan: You'll be fine. Just follow my lead.

[Both Lincoln and Luan walk onstage and do a mirror routine. As Laney watched from backstage]

Maggie: Wow! It's about how we're all just, like, clones.

Tween #2: That's what I was gonna say.

Maggie: Exactly.

[Lincoln and Luan finish their routine and the goth kids slowly give an applause.]

Dad #1: I have to get their business card.

[The other parents murmur in agreement.]

Bratty Kid's Mom: Well, I call the weekend of the 22nd.

[The goth kids start cheering and a single black rose is tossed onto stage as Luan picks it up.]

[Later, Lincoln, Laney, and Luan are heading home.]

Lincoln: Thanks for saving my butt. You were amazing out there. And I'm sorry for the way I was acting.

Luan: It's okay. I remember how great it was to get my first big laugh. I shouldn't have been so harsh. Still my assistants?

Laney: No thanks, I had enough comedy for one day. [rubbing her wounds] Now I know what they mean when they say laugh till it hurts. Oh...

Lincoln: Let me get those for you. [accidentally rips the bag and slips on the spilled whoopee cushions.] Whoa!

[Lincoln lands on them, which all make farting sounds.]

Luan: [chuckles] You know, that actually was kind of funny. Here, let me help... [Her unicycle slips on another whoopee cushion, sending her flying.] Whoa, good gravy! [lands on the whoopee cushions and Lincoln and they laugh.]

Laney: Hold on, I... [slips on the whoopee cushions] Eye-a-watha! [lands on the whoopee cushions and laughs with her siblings]

[The three siblings do pratfalls as they land on the whoopee cushions and laugh again.]