58. Room With A Feud

Room With a Feud

[Laney walks into the living room where Lincoln was sitting watching tv]

Lincoln: So how was last night with Joey?

Laney: Oh. It was great, the sisters were meddling like I suspected. But all worked well. And now Joey and I are- [Laney was interrupted by the TV]

Announcer: We now return to "Operation: Desert Storm".

Lincoln: [gasps] Shh! TV on!

Laney: Desert Storm? My favorite! [Sits down with Lincoln]

Host: Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Which baker will take the cake and the trophy on Operation Dessert Storm?

DESSERT STORM

Host: Will Linda's soufflé rise to the occasion? Or will Tony's puffs cream the competition?

[Tony snarls viciously, forcing the host to back away.]

Host: The judges have voted, and the champion is-

[Lola suddenly comes in and pauses the show.]

Lola: Ugh! Lana's been driving me crazy! Her animals stink up our room! And look what she did to my dolly! [shows her doll's head shaved.]

Doll: [creepily] Mama...

Lincoln: Why would she do that?

[Enter Lana wearing the doll's hair in her armpits.]

Lana: Whoo-hoo! I got pit hair!

[Lola screams, tears her doll's head off, and chases Lana. Laney resumes their show]

Host: And the champion is-

[The show pauses again, this time from Lynn.]

Lynn: Lucy won't keep her bats off my side of the room. [rolls up her sleeve revealing a bite mark on her arm.] Now one of them's bit me and he's got the taste for my blood.

Lincoln: Aren't you being a little paranoid? I'm sure the bat doesn't- [hears the bat screeching from the fireplace.] Uh, you might wanna run.

[The bat chases after Lynn who's screaming for her life.]

Laney: Hurry! Before someone else interrupts! [Lincoln resumes the show]

Host: And the champ-

[It pauses yet again by Leni much to Lincoln's chagrin.]

Leni: [holding a barrette with Lori's hair in it.] Ugh! Lori is the worst roommate ever! Her huge hair broke my favorite clip!

Lincoln: [anxious] That's, uh...

Leni: Ooh! You're watching Operation Dessert Storm? Isn't it awesome that Linda won?

[Laney was shocked about the spoiler and fell down the couch. Lincoln groans from having been spoiled. Laney goes up to her room, mad that Leni ruined her show and tried to read her book in peace but then was interrupted by her sisters arguing again]

Lynn: I've had enough of your darn bats biting me all the time!

Lucy: Well if you don't want him to attack you, you should've looked him in the eye! [Lucy and Lynn argue so much that Laney leaves her room only to hear more arguing from other rooms]

Leni: [offscreen] Quit using my clips!

Lori: [offscreen] Your clip? It's mine!

[Laney hears fighting over at Luna and Luan's room next]

Luna: [Offscreen] You keep your lousy peels away from my jams!

Luan: [Offscreen] I'm practacing comedy! You should know, considering how funny your music sounds!

Luna: [Offscreen] Do not go there, brah!

Laney: Gee... everyone's sure is upset about their roommate. I wish there was a way they could all get along.

Lincoln: Sibling meeting! [Cut to everyone in Lori and Leni's room]

[The kids are all in Lori and Leni's room. The sisters are still unhappy.]

Lincoln: It's no secret you guys are having some roommate trouble. Well, I think I can help. Clyde and I took this amazingly accurate compatibility test. If you guys take it, maybe we can find out which sister you're best matched with. Then you can change roommates.

Lola: I'm willing to try anything. [holds up a doll] This is my last dolly with hair! [notices it's bald and gasps in horror.]

Lana: [wearing the doll's hair like a mustache.] Relax. It grows back.

Lola: [furious] NO IT DOESN'T! [attacks Lana]

Lana: I'd use my own hair, but-

[Lori breaks them up]

Lori: [grunts] Let's take that test.

Lincoln: [giving his sisters each a copy] Great. I'll read the questions, then write down your answers. Number one: What's your favorite color?

Leni: Oh, dang it. I got that one wrong.

[She changes her answer and Lynn facepalms.]

1 HOUR LATER [The girls are doing their business in the living room when their brother shows up.]

Lincoln: Guys, I've got the results. The new roomates are: Lana and Lynn, whose rugged personalities were a 90% match.

[Lana is polishing an engine and Lynn is doing push-ups. They give each other a thumbs-up.]

Lincoln: Luna and Lisa, whose explosive personalities were an equally strong match.

[Lisa's chemical explodes on her and Luna shreds her guitar loudly much to Lori's shock. Lisa gives Luna a thumbs up and Luna throws up the goats to Lisa.]

Lincoln: Lola and Lucy, 'cause they both have a flair for the dramatic.

Lola: Us matching is the craziest thing that's ever happened! [gasps and faints] Ever!

Lucy: I am so shocked, I could die.

Lincoln: Luan and Leni, due to their shared love of laughter.

Luan: [nudges Leni] Chuckle up, Leni! There's no giggling out of this.

[The other sisters groan at that, but Leni laughs at it.]

Leni: [holding back her laughter] That was so funny!

Lincoln: Lori and Lily...

Lori: [confused] Uh, what could we possibly have in common? [notices Lily using a phone just like her] Oh.

Laney: What about me, Lincoln? Who am I paired up with?

Lincoln: Well, by the looks of it. You and me. Due to our unique problem solving expertise.

Laney: Oh.

[The girls all agree to this decision.]

Later, Laney was preparing to move in to Lincoln's room. Which will be a challenge since Lincoln's room isn't so... roomy.

[Laney pushed her chest into Lincoln's room and sees how small it is]

Laney: Oh boy... [Laney begins to look for a place to put her chest. She placed it a few times on the ground but it was in her way. Then she puts it sideways, but it started to open and she tried to push it closed. She sighs] Now where am I go to sleep? [She looks at Lincoln's bed and scratches her head]

[Meanwhile, Lincoln goes upstairs and hears nothing but silence. He checks on Lynn and Lana.]

Lincoln: Hey, guys. How's rugged roommate life going?

[There's a mud puddle on the floor.]

Lana: Lynn let me bring my mud.

Lynn: It's perfect for rugby practice. [sways a bit and dives into the mud] Score!

Lana: [licks the mud] Good stuff.

[Lincoln wipes the mud on his face off and checks on Lori and Lily.]

Lori: [laughing at her phone] Literally.

Lily: [laughing at her phone] Lil-lilly.

[Lincoln smiles at their bond and checks on Lisa and Luna.]

Luna: [drumming] YO, LIS! IS THIS VOLUME OKAY?!

Lisa: [working on her chemistry] ACES! HOW'S THIS VOLUME?!

[She pours in a chemical that causes an explosion, which Luna likes. Lincoln goes over to check on Lola and Lucy who are having a tea party with Edwin and Lola's baby doll as guests. Lola pours in her doll's tea, but Lucy stops her from pouring Edwin's.]

Lucy: Thanks, but he only drinks blood.

Lola: No problem. [switches the teapot out for kettles filled with different types of blood.] Does he take O Positive or B Negative?

[Lucy and Lincoln smile, and the brother checks on Leni and Luan.]

Luan: [practicing with Mr. Coconuts] Hey, Mr. Coconuts, what did the sushi say to the bee? Wasa-bee!

Leni: [laughing like crazy] Luan, stop it! [laughs so hard she falls back on the beanbag.]

[He enters in his room to find his roommate, Laney]

Lincoln: How's it going, roomie? [walks into Laney's chest and stubs his foot] OW!

Laney: Sorry, Lincoln. I'm having a hard time moving in.

Lincoln: Looks that way. But at least you're not like Lynn. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna do some video chatting. [Opens up his laptop and talks to Clyde] Hey, Clyde.

Clyde: [wearing a chef outfit] Oh, hey, Lincoln. I was just giving myself the ten minute trifle challenge. [frosts a cake]

Lincoln: So, guess what? I gave my sisters the compatibility test, they changed rooms, and it's working like a dream! You hear how quiet it is?

Laney: Three. Two. One.

[At that moment...]

Lynn: [off-screen] DANG IT, LANA!

Lincoln: [calmly] Uh, probably just a little glitch. I'll call you back. [goes to Lana and Lynn's room, Laney follows him]

Lynn: [fighting a snake with her hockey stick.] Get your dumb snake off my lucky jersey!

Lana: If she's so dumb, how'd she find all your protein bars when you were asleep, huh?

[Lynn growls and snaps her hockey stick in fury, much to Lincoln and Laney's worry.]

Laney: Guess your test isn't working so well.

Lincoln: That's just one setback. I'm sure everyone else is doing just fine.

Lucy: [off-screen] You monster!

[Lincoln checks on Lucy and Lola]

Lucy: What have you done to Edwin? [shows him sporting a color scheme like Lola's.]

Lola: Brought him into the 21st century. You're welcome!

Lucy: That's my least favorite century.

[Lily starts crying and Lincoln rushes to her and Lori.]

Lincoln: What's going on?

Lori: I accidentally stepped on Lily's phone and she's making a huge deal!

[Lily suddenly takes a picture of Lori from a certain angle.]

Lori: [fiercely] DON'T YOU DARE POST THOSE!

[Lily giggles wickedly and posts the photos which reveal Lori having double chins. Laney is disturbed by this]

Lori: [horrified as she screams; a loud glass shattering sound is heard and Lisa screams; Lincoln checks on her and Luna.]

Lisa: [with her glasses broken] I specifically told you never to play any note above a D6!

Luna: Better check that 'tude, dude! Nobody tells me how to shred.

[Leni is still laughing at Luan]

Luan: [annoyed] Leni, stop laughing. All I said is I have to pee.

Leni: How do you come up with this stuff?

[Leni keeps laughing while Luan exasperatedly goes to the bathroom. The other sisters in anger gather around to complain.]

Lori: Lincoln's lame test didn't work.

Lola: Yeah. There's no way I'm compatible with Spooky.

Lucy: Oh, you wanna go, Princess?

Lisa: [breaking them up] Easy, easy. We can fix this. There must be a flaw in Lincoln's testing algorithm.

[Lisa is checking the test again]

Lisa: Hmm...Ace Savvy's Superhero Duo Quiz: Find your partner in crime-fighting? This is the amazingly accurate compatibility test that led you to uproot the entire household?

Lincoln: It was dead-on about me and Clyde.

Lisa: Yes! You two are compatible because you're both dunces! [to her sisters] Everyone, remain calm. We can still determine the optimal roommate arrangement. Just need to use actual science. [reveals a matchup computer in her room] I invented this baby to help Pop-Pop find a soulmate, but he wasn't ready for love again. [puts in data] I simply input everyone's data in the form of report cards, journals, medical records and DNA samples.

Luan: [suspicious] Uh...how'd you get our DNA samples?

Lisa: [feigning innocence] Did I say DNA samples?

[The computer prints out the results.]

Lisa: "And voila. Our perfect matches. Lori and Lola will be together since they both excel in social situations and possess an authoritarian nature."

[Lori and Lola notice Lana and Charles chewing on shoes and shout in unison.]

Lola: "Drop it, Lana!"

Lori: "Drop it, Charles!"

[Lana and Charles drop it and Lola and Lori look at each other surprised.]

Lisa: "Leni will be rooming with Lynn."

Leni and Lynn: "Wait. Why are we together? That doesn't make any sense. We don't even have anything in common!" [look at each other in confusion.]

Lisa: "Luna will be with Lana since both enjoy garage-based hobbies and wield a wicked axe."

[Luna, holding her guitar, and Lana, holding an inflatable play ax, look at each other.]

Lisa: Luan will be with Lucy because of their shared creativity and unusual proclivity for befriending inanimate objects.

[The inanimate objects in question are Mr. Coconuts and Edwin, and Luan and Lucy look at each other.]

Lisa: Lily will be with Lincoln-

Lincoln: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why am I included?

Lisa: It's self-evident. To find the most accurate sibling matches, one must include all the siblings.

Lincoln: [suspicious] Wait, I see what's going on. Isn't it convenient that everyone has a roommate except you?

Lisa: Actually, I prefer cohabitation so that I have a built-in test subject. Now as for you, Laney. You're with me. Due to your innvoative nature and rediness almost matches up to mine.

Laney: That can't be right.

Lisa: Science has never wronged me before. [Lisa's hair falls off revealing her brain pulsating from her cranium which her siblings gasp at the sight of in horror.]

Later, Laney and Lisa were prepairing for bed. Which is still a challenge since they were in Lincoln's room.

Laney: Uh, Lisa. I don't mind if you do your science here. But where do I sleep?

Lisa: Don't worry, Laney. I have provided with a simple solution. [she presses a button and the bed has split into two fittng parts] I've modificated this bed to have dual sleeping space.

Laney: Wow. How did you get it all to fit in this room?

Lisa: I've calculated the radius of this room and found an equivalent space for comfortability.

Laney: [confused at what Lisa just said] How are we compatable again? Okay, nevermind. [Laney pulled out her sheets and placed it on her side of the bed and was about to go to sleep, but she was interrupted by Lincoln entering]

Lincoln: Guess what, Ms. Smarty Pants? There must be a flaw in your testing algorithm because Lily and I are definitely not compatible.

[Lisa goes over to the computer to reevaluate and gets a shocking result.]

Laney: Was it really necessary to move this here?

Lisa: Oh, dear. This is what we in the scientific community call an oopsie. Everyone matched at over 90%, but it appears you and Lily only matched at 17%.

Lincoln: Aha! Then this whole thing is bogus, and I'm calling it off! We are switching back.

[He storms out and goes over to Luna and Lana's room, but hears laughter. Lana dumps mud all over Luna's timpani drums and Luna bangs and splashes a good beat.]

Luna: We make a great team, Lans!

[Lincoln is shocked and hears Leni laughing and sees Lynn bench-pressing her.]

Leni: Whoo! [laughs]

Lynn: [grunting] Thanks for letting me bench-press you. You're, like, the perfect weight.

Leni: Well, thank you. 'Cause you're helping me decorate the ceiling. [puts a sticker on the ceiling along with some others she put on.]

[Lincoln is shocked at that and goes to see Lucy and Luan who are playing poker with their soulmates.]

Lucy: [dealing] I have ace high. Edwin has two pair.

Luan: I've got a full house. [as Mr. Coconuts] And I've got a four of a kind. Just like us, right, gang? [laughs with Lucy] You're so funny, Mr. Coconuts.

[Lincoln is flabbergasted at seeing them get along.]

Lori: [unhappy] No!

[Hearing that makes Lincoln smile and he checks on her and Lola.]

Lori: [on her phone] Not that shirt, Bobby. The one I got you!

Lola: [shaking her fist] You'd better still have it, Bobby!

[They hang up on a frightened Bobby.]

Lori: Good. Now let's call that pageant judge who gave you a 4. [dials the judge's number]

Lola: Oh, this should be good.

[Lincoln sighs, gives up, and goes back to his new room, reading a comic book with a flashlight where he finds Lily drooled all over it.]

Lincoln: [disgusted] Ugh. Lily! [gets a call from Clyde on video chat] Hey, Clyde.

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln. How did that roommate swap turn out?

Lincoln: Not so great for me. I ended up rooming with Lily.

Clyde: What? That's not fair. You have to get your sisters to switch back.

Lincoln: I was going to, Clyde, but they all seem so happy now. I don't wanna ruin it for them, so I'll just have to take one for the team.

[Unbeknownst to him, Lucy, Lana, Laney, and Leni overheard him.]

Laney: You know, not all of us are happy.

Lana: What do you mean?

Laney: Well, I'd be happy with just everyone being okay with their matches. But, I'm not so sure with any of mine. That, and it's getting wicked cramped in Lincoln's room. Seriously, it's as small as a linen closet.

Leni: So what do we do?

Laney: I think I have an idea.

[The next day, Lincoln wakes up and finds that he's back in his old room.]

Lincoln: What's happening? Am I dreaming?

[The sisters come in]

Lola: No, dummy. We moved you while you were asleep. Well, Lynn and Lana did.

[Lynn and Lana are wearing back braces and panting from an exhausting job.]

Leni: We all moved back to our old rooms.

Lincoln: But I thought the new pairings were working great for everybody.

Luna: They were, dude, but when we saw that you were willing to take one for the team, we thought there might be a way we could all be happy.

Lana: Instead of changing rooms, maybe we can try a little harder to change our attitudes.

[The sisters sans Laney and Lisa]

Laney: Next time if you try to pair me up with someone with a quiz. Make sure I'm compatable with someone with a bigger room. [Leaves]

Lisa: Oh. By the way, Lincoln, I'm not certain I removed all my chemicals from your room. There's still a few unaccounted for. So, just let me know if you see anything. [leaves and closes the door]

[Suddenly, there's an explosion in Lincoln's room which causes his hair to fall off and reveal his brain now green and pulsating, just like Lisa's.]