47. Frog Wild

Frog Wild

[School bell rings]

Mrs. Johnson: Okay, class, tomorrow we're wrapping up our biology studies with a special project. We'll be dissecting... [pulls down a scroll of a frog and its anatomy] ...frogs!

[Her students all exclaim with joy]

Mrs. Johnson: Get ready to jump in! [laughs but gets no reaction; disappointed] Really? No one?

Lincoln: [eager] Dissecting frogs? That sounds-

[Instant segue to Lana and Laney]

Lana and Laney: HORRIBLE!

Laney: Lincoln, why would you do such cruel thing to an innocent creature?

Lana: You can't do that!

Lincoln: They're just frogs, guys. What's the big deal?

Lana: [grabs Lincoln by his hair] We'll show you what the big deal is! [pulls him into her room]

Lincoln: Ow! Ow!

[The door closes and Lana gets out a portable projector]

Lana: Watch this movie we made about Hops. [gives him the projector as Hops lands on her arm and croaks]

[Lincoln cranks the handle on the projector and peeps through the lens]

HOPS: A Life in Leaps

[The film begins with Laney sitting by the pond where Lana was lurking]

Narrator Laney: I was taking Lana to the park one day. She was so eager to play in the pond.

Narrator Lana: I'll never forget the day I met my future best friend.

[Someone squirts Lana and it reveals to be Hops. Lana then squirts him back and they laugh]

[Someone squirts Lana and it reveals to be Hops. Lana then squirts him back and they laugh]

Film Lana: You're the best froggy. Well, I gotta go. Dad's making meatloaf tonight. Thanks for the fun day.

[As she prepares to leave, the little froggy paddles on his lily pad and makes a sad face to Lana]

Film Lana: Aw. You're lonely, aren't ya, little guy? Would you like to come home and live with me?

[Hops nods, leaps and pulls himself into Lana's dungaree pocket]

Film Lana: I'm gonna name you Hops.

Film Hops: [croaks]

Film Laney: [looks around] Lana, where are you? [Lana walks over to her] Oh, there you are. [looks at Hops] Who's your friend? [Hops leaps onto Laney's shoulder]

Film Lana: Aw, Hops likes you. [Hops squirts at Laney and she and Lana laughed]

Narrator Lana: Since that day, we've been pretty inseparable. We eat all our meals together.

[The two are eating a bowl of mud with crickets]

Narrator Lana: Hops likes his crickets chocolate-covered. But I like mine plain.

[They're playing Double Dutch together]

Narrator Lana: We play together. We even get our school photos taken together.

Photographer: [dully] Alright, kid, smile. Three, two, one. Cheese.

[Hops comes out of Lana's pocket and is wearing some dungarees of his own.]

Narrator Laney: I have to admit, I had my differences around him. [Hops leaped over to a sad Laney and cuddled against her] But he kinda helped me through hard times.

[In Lana's room]

Film Lana: Nighty-night, buddy. [kisses him and puts him in his tank]

Film Hops: [croaks]

Narrator Lana: I can't imagine what life would be like without my best friend Hops.

[Hops leaps out of the tank and rests himself next to Lana. Lana winces, notices and smiles as the two of them slumber together.]

THE END

Lincoln: [touched and driven to tears] That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

[Hops grabs a box of tissues with his tongue]

Lana: [handing her brother a tissue who then blows his nose] You see, Lincoln? Frogs are cooler on the outside than they are on the inside. So please, don't dissect them.

Lincoln: I won't. And neither will anyone else.

Laney: What do you mean?

Lincoln: We're going on a rescue mission. [The three sibling puts there hands in]

Lana: Don't forget Hops! [Hops leaps into the group five]

[The next day in Mrs. Johnson's class]

Mrs. Johnson: Alright, class, when we return from lunch, we'll leap into our frog dissecting! [still gets no reaction] Come on, people! I'm giving you comedy gold here!

[The bell rings and the class goes out to lunch. Mrs. Johnson locks the door and as soon as she leaves, Lincoln pops up from the corner and busts out his walkie-talkie]

Lincoln: Laney, where are you? [Laney dashes in]

Laney: Right here, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Great, where's Lana? [Lana pops out from the trash can next to him] Oh, good hiding place.

Lana: What are you talking about? Hops and I were just eating lunch. [belches out an apple core]

Hops: [belches out a peanut shell, Laney is disgusted]

Lincoln: Let's go!

[They move out and Lana breaks out her locksmith equipment and grabs one of her keys to open the door to Mrs. Johnson's room, but it fails]

Lana: We have a problem. It's a surface mounted deadbolt with a tumbler locking mechanism.

Lincoln: In English, please?

Lana: We'll have to find another way in.

Laney: [Points to the vents] Let's try the vents.

[They sneak through the vents and come across a shaft. They open it and Lana ties a rope around her waist while Lincoln adn Laney hold it to lure her down. She dives in with Lincoln straining a bit from the velocity of the leap and Lana lowers herself to find she's actually in the principal's office]

Lincoln: [gasps] Principal Huggins? Wrong room. Wrong room!

[He struggles to pull Lana back up and Hops uses his tongue to pull her up just before Huggins notices]

Lincoln: [exhausted from pulling] Good job, Hops.

[They high-five with Hops' tongue. Soon, they finally find Mrs. Johnson's room under the floor and make it in]

Lana: [to the frogs in the tank] What's up, frog-ays? We're here to rescue you!

Lincoln: [grabs the tank] Let's go!

[Just then, the doorknob is rattling, meaning Mrs. Johnson is coming. The three gulp in fear. Mrs. Johnson enters the room to find the frogs are gone]

Mrs. Johnson: [gasps] My frogs! [runs to the window] PRINCIPAL HUGGINS! PRINCIPAL HUGGINS! [runs out of the room to tell Principal Huggins and closes the door]

[Lincoln and Lana reveal themselves to have been behind her desk instead of having escaped with the frogs]

Lincoln: Whoa. That open window decoy was brilliant.

Lana: What do you think, this is my first animal rescue?

[They then proceed to exit through the window for real]

[They take the frogs to the pond]

Lincoln: Be free, my amphibian friends! Be free!

[Hops croaks to them to go, but they don't understand]

[Lana dumps them out of the tank]

Lana: Good luck, frog-ays! Have a nice life!

[Just as the frogs begin to enjoy their freedom, a flock of birds circles above them]

Lincoln: Uh, you guys might wanna get moving.

[Some turtles rise from the water, preparing to snack on the frogs]

Lana: Seriously, guys, go!

[Some snakes are eying the amphibian appetizers]

Lincoln: Do you wanna be today's lunch special? MOVE! [They don't budge] Why aren't they moving? [Laney grabs the frogs and puts them back in the tank]

Laney: Maybe, they've never been to the wild before.

Lana: [notices a snake trying to eat one of them] HEY, YOU! NOT COOL! [wrestles the snake and saves the frog] Guys, we can't leave them here.

Laney: What do we do?

Lincoln: [gathering them up] You're right. We'll take them home till we can think of a better plan.

[A raccoon arrives with a bib, knife and fork]

Lana: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

[The raccoon runs off in fear]

[They get the frogs to Lola and Lana's room]

Lincoln: They'll be safe here. Come on. We gotta go. Lunch hour's almost up.

[Lana puts Hops on her bed]

Lana: Alright, Hops, you and Laney keep an eye on them till we get back.

Laney: Got it! [Hops salutes as she leaves, Laney looks at the frogs in the tank] Hm, you guys look so cramped in that little tank huh? Here, I'll give you some leg room. [Hops disagrees with Laney and shakes his head] Oh, don't worry, Hops. It will only be for a second. [lets the frogs out of the tank] Now, I wonder if I can find a bigger tank. [a fly buzzes past the frogs, cut to Laney with cardboard box] I couldn't find a tank, but I did find this cardboard box. Perhaps i can fashion an enviroment out if- [sees that all the frogs are gone] Uh oh... [Laney ran downstairs with Hops on her shoulder and sees all the frogs are everywhere] Okay, everyone back upstairs. [Just then Lincoln and Lana entered]

Lana: Hops, how'd the frogs get out?

Laney: I'm so sorry! They were just so cramped in that little tank so I let them out for one second then...

Lincoln: It's alright, Laney. Just help us catch them.

[Lincoln uses a pool skimmer to gather some up and tosses them in the laundry basket with pillows for safe impact. Lana drives Lola's princess car with a snow shovel tied to the height that scoops up any frogs she comes across. Laney uses a vacuum to suck all the frogs hiding in the crawl space in the basement. Some frogs are put back in the tank]

Lana: 10 down, 40 to go.

[Just then, Principal Huggins is pounding at their door]

Principal Huggins: Open up, Loud! Frog inspection!

[Before they open the door, Principal Huggins just barges in]

Principal Huggins: Good afternoon, children. [looks around the living room] Well, I don't see any frogs here. I guess I'll just be on my way. [Lincoln and Lana smile at each other relieved] NOT! [Laney walks up to him]

Laney: Don't be too hasty, Mr... um.

Principal Huggins: Huggins.

Laney: Yes, Huggins. You're our guest here. [pushes Huggins to the living room] Please, allow us to make you right at home. [Huggins stops her]

Principal Huggins: I'll make myself at home, thank you. [As he continues his inspection, Lincoln and Lana notice some frogs nearby while he's not looking. Lincoln yelps in panic and grabs his principal's coat]

Lincoln: Let me take your coat. [tosses it over the frogs out of Huggins' view]

Principal Huggins: [sarcastically] Yes, just put that down anywhere, why don't you?

[He checks under a sofa cushion which has some gross content beneath and under the sofa itself. Lana then spots a frog by the window behind the TV and closes the curtain]

Lana: Uh...I didn't want the glare to hurt your eyeballs, sir.

[Some glass shatters off in the distance]

Principal Huggins: What was that?

Laney: Uh, I got it! [she Lana and Lincoln run off to the kitchen]

[The noise came from the kitchen as the three pick them up and put them in the fridge then Laney hides one in her scarf. They forgot one and Lana grabs it before Huggins enters]

Principal Huggins: You three seem a bit nervous.

Laney: Nervous? Us? No no.

Lana: [muffled with the frog in her mouth] Not at all!

[A fly comes whizzing by and the frog grabs it with its tongue]

Lana: [playing it off] Mmm. Protein. [chuckles]

Laney: [chuckles along] Yeah, she's always likes to eat bugs. It's her thing. [The frog inside Laney's scarf then croaked, Huggins then glared at Laney]

Principal Huggins: Did I just hear a croak?

Laney: Uhm... [tugs her scarf] My throat's feeling kind of froggy. Um, not that there's acutually frog in my throat- Dah! I mean, it's just an expression... [Laney nervously smiles. Huggins looks in the pantry and the oven, and just as he's about to check the fridge, Lincoln squirts him with a hose connected to the sink]

Lincoln: Sorry, sir. You had some schmutz on you. Here, let me get you a towel. [rubs Huggins' face]

[While he can't see, Lana spits the frog out and tosses it onto the ceiling]

Principal Huggins: [ceases Lincoln's rubbing] Stop it! [hears a thud from the distance] Hmm...maybe I'll go check UPSTAIRS!

[They go upstairs and one frog is on the inside of the wall before Lisa and Lily's room. A fly comes by and the frog catches it while hitting Huggins' face in the process. Lincoln grabs it and hides it behind his back before Huggins notices]

Lincoln: [with some viscous substance on his finger] Wet willie! Uh...just trying to lighten the mood.

[They go to the door to Lucy and Lynn's room]

Principal Huggins: What's this room?

Lincoln: That's Lucy and Lynn's bedroom. But I wouldn't go in there. Lucy's kinda spooky.

Principal Huggins: If you think I'm afraid of a little- [opens the door and lets out a stream of Lucy's bats while screaming in horror as they take cover and closes it; terrified] That room looks clear. [pulls himself together and goes to the door to Lori and Leni's room] What's this room?

Lincoln: That's Lori and Leni's bedroom. But I wouldn't go in there. They have a pretty intense security system.

Principal Huggins: I'll take my chances. [grabs the doorknob which sends an electric shock to his entire body; brushes himself off] Well, upstairs looks clear. I need to use your restroom.

[Lana rushes into the restroom and checks the bathroom to find that there are no frogs in in]

Principal Huggins: I usually do this alone.

Lana: Oh, right. Sure. Uh, I'm just gonna...check the toilet. Gotta make sure I didn't leave anything in there. [opens it and finds a frog in there; grabs it before Huggins sees it] You're good to go!

[She leaves the bathroom as Huggins slams it shut. The kids rush downstairs and find two more frogs on the sofa. Lincoln covers them up with the back brace on the sofa. Laney finds three frogs by the TV and hides them from under it. Lana sees some in the fireplace and pulls the easy chair in front of it to hide them just as Huggins arrives downstairs after taking care of his business]

Principal Huggins: Well, it appears your house is frog-free, so I'll be on my way.

Lincoln: Good luck, sir. Keep fighting the good fight.

Laney: I'm sure you'll find that frog thief soon. I would hate for anything to happen to those poor, inncoent... [Lincoln nudges her with her elbow]

Lana: I'll just grab your... [notices the coat is gone] ...coat?

[They look around and find the coat having moved from one spot to another with some lumps under it]

Principal Huggins: I'll grab my own coat.

[grabs it]

[Lincoln, Lana, and Laney gasp and it looks just fine]

Principal Huggins: What is wrong with you three?

Lana: "Nothin'. Drive safe."

[Just as Huggins is about to leave, his coat starts bulging]

Principal Huggins: What the- [starts yelling and shaking and finds the frogs in his coat as they hop away] YOU ARE THE FROG HERO!

[The three sigh in defeat]

[They're gathering up the frogs and putting them back in the tank]

Lana: We're sorry, guys. We failed you.

Lincoln: If only Principal Huggins could see you the way we do.

[Hops grabs the portable projector]

Laney: Maybe he could!

Lincoln: Hops! You beautiful, green, warty genius! Up high, buddy.

[Hops gives Lincoln a high tongue. Principal Huggins is now watching the film and has been moved the way Lincoln has]

Principal Huggins: [crying] That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

[He and Mrs. Johnson are both crying]

Mrs. Johnson: [in tears] Don't hog it, Huggins! I wanna watch it again! [takes the projector and watches the film again]

Lincoln: See? Frogs are way cooler on the outside.

Principal Huggins: There is no way we're dissecting them. But what are we going to do with all these frogs?

Lincoln: I'm glad you asked.

[Some time later, the frogs now have their own little paradise in the tank]

Lana: We call it the Frog-ay Fortress.

[The kids all gather to observe with fascination]

Female Student: Um, what are those two frogs doing?

Mrs. Johnson: [exclaims in shock and covers the tank with the map of the United States] CLASS DISMISSED!

[Lincoln and Lana are walking home after school]

Lana: I'm sorry Principal Huggins gave you detention.

Lincoln: That's okay. All that matters is that the frogs are safe and things can go back to normal.

[They walk by Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet, come back to it and see a poster advertising a new dish added to their menu]

NEW! ROASTED DUCK ENCHILADAS

Lincoln and Lana: Tonight's special: roasted duck enchiladas?! [Lana and Lincoln look at each other]

Laney: [To the viewers] Well, here we go again.

[The three are seen running off with the restaurant's entire shipment of ducks, trying to set them free and going through their animal saving episode once again]