46. No Such Luck

No Such Luck

One saturday moring at the Loud house, Laney couldn't wait for her family activity. She was heading for her first ballerina concert and she's been practicing for months.

[Laney is seen practacing her plié]

In this family, everyone's got to be there to support each other's activities. Unfortunately, there was one sibling who didn't think so.

[Laney then bumps into Lincoln]

Lincoln: Oof!

Laney: Oh, sorry, Lincoln. I-

Lincoln: Shh!

Laney: What?

Lincoln: [whispering] I'm hiding from my sisters.

Laney: Why?

Lincoln: Don't take this the wrong way, Lanes. But all these activites are getting in the way of my me time. [Cut to a calendar of Lincoln's calendar getting filled up with his sisters' faces indicating an event for them specifically] With eleven of you guys, my calendar's booked everyday with stuff. I'm supposed to go to rodeos, pageants, open mic nights...once in a while, a guy just needs some time to himself.

Laney: But Lincoln, we're family. We gotta be there to support each other's plans. Speaking of, you are coming to my ballerina concert this friday right? [Lincoln walks upstairs; disappointed] Oh...

[Suddenly, Lynn pops up in front of Lincoln just as he was heading to his room]

Lynn: Hey, Lincoln! You're coming to my softball game today, right?

Lincoln: Dang it. Should've done a head count. [to Lynn] Actually, Lynn, I've got some important business to attend to. Like Ace Savvy VS the Card Shark. [holds out comic]

Lynn: Lame. My team has won our last six games, and you're the only member of this family who hasn't come out to support me.

Lincoln: That's because I was support six other sisters at their things. Sorry, Lynn, I just can't do it today.

Lynn: [holding her bat threateningly] Sure you won't reconsider?

[Lincoln acquiesces and is at the game with his family and Bobby in the bleachers. The mascot comes out onto the field and does a somersault]

Mascot: LET'S DO THIS!

Baseball Announcer: Well, it's a beautiful day at the park. Isn't it, Pep?

Pep: [unenthusiastic] Oh, sure it is.

Baseball Announcer: It's the bottom of the ninth with the Royal Woods Squirrels up 3-nothing. Could this be another shutout for star pitcher Lynn Loud?

[The crowd cheers for Lynn. Lynn waves to the people and her family and they all root for her. She then starts doing some things to prepare for her pitch. She lifts her leg, turns her cap, tosses some dirt over her shoulder, and pats her right cheek.]

Baseball Announcer: Loud is performing her signature good luck rituals.

Lynn: [doing a Cossack dance] Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut!

Baseball Announcer: Hey, Pep, you believe there's anything to these kinds of superstitions?

Pep: [not caring] I don't know.

Baseball Announcer: Well, here's the windup and the pitch.

[Lynn winds up and pitches, but the opposing batter slams it out of the park]

Baseball Announcer: Ooh! Looks like the softball gods did not love that Cossack dance.

[Soon enough, the Daisy Hill Daisies hit the ball each time, thus beating the Squirrels]

Baseball Announcer: Hated that Cossack dance.

[The crowd boos and the mascot looks on with grief]

Luna: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SIS!

[After the game, Laney walks with Lynn, who is felling down]

Laney: It's okay, Lynn. People loses these kind of games all the time.

Lynn: But I never lose! That dance should've worked! I don't understand what went wrong...

Lincoln: Hey, sis. I'm really sorry you lost.

[Lynn yelps and hides behind a dumpster]

Lincoln: Hey.

Lynn: [holding a rotten banana peel] Stay back! You're bad luck! [tosses the peel at Lincoln]

Lincoln: What are you talking about?

Laney: Lynn, don't be ridiculous. What makes you think Lincoln's bad luck?

Lynn: My team has been dominating all season, then the one time he shows up, we lose!

Lincoln: That's ridiculous. I'm not bad luck.

Lynn: Yeah-huh, you are! Which is why I'm banning you from all future games. Now scram! I have to make things right with the softball gods. [does her Cossack dance again] Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut!

Laney: Sorry about that, Lincoln. Lynn can be rather superstitous with these kind of things.

[Later, back at the Loud house. Laney continued to work on her moves for her concert, While Lincoln was eating more cereal in the dining room]

Leni: [with her hair all curled] Lincoln! Are you coming to my charity fashion show? It's for a great cause: oysters without pearls.

Lynn: [paranoid] Leni! No! He'll ruin your fashion show just like he ruined my winning streak! HE'S BAD LUCK!

Laney: Don't listen to her, Leni. Lincoln's not bad luck. [To Lincoln] Tell them!

Lincoln: Yeah, Lynn. That is absolutely... [gets an idea] ...true.

Laney: See, Lincoln's definitely... WHAT!?

Lincoln: [to the viewers] I think I may be onto something here. [to Leni] Leni, I'd love to go to your fashion show, but I'd hate for my bad luck to make you trip, or jam a zipper, or break a heel...

Leni: [gasps] The horror! Maybe you should sit this one out.

Lincoln: I'll be there in spirit. [Laney scowls and walks up to him but Leni stops her]

Leni: Laney! No! He might make you break a heel. [Laney groans]

[Later, Lincoln was watching TV]

Announcer: Next on ARRGH!... [Just then, Laney stomps up to him]

Laney: Lincoln! What was that all that about?

Lincoln: Relax, Laney. All part of my plan, by making my sisters believe I'm unlucky I'm finally getting the free time I need! Play along and I'll get you all the pirouette time you need.

Laney: No, I will not play along! The sooner I tell everyone you're lying, the sooner this will all blow over!

[Lana then pounces Lincoln and hogties him]

Lana: Hey, Linc, you coming to my alligator-wrestling match?

Leni: [pulls Lana away from Lincoln; paranoid] Don't invite Lincoln! He could make your alligator trip, or jam its zipper, or break a heel!

Lana: [confused] What?

Leni: He's bad luck.

Laney: Oh come on, girls! Does he look like bad luck to you?

[Leni and Lana turn to Lincoln]

Lincoln: [feigning] I can't deny it.

Lana: Uh...maybe you shouldn't come after all. I'm wrestlin' my first 200-pounder, and I can't take any chances. [pats his foot]

Laney: Ugh! This is getting ridicuclous! [She walks up to Lincoln, but Lana picks her up and carries her off]

Lana: Woah, girl! Let's back it up! Don't want anything to happen to ya. [Laney glares at Lincoln as she was carried off]

[Now Lincoln is talking to Lola who's spraying her hair in a beehive]

Lincoln: Sure, Lola. I'll come to your pageant. I just hope my bad luck doesn't make your hair go flat.

Lola: [gasps and sprays Lincoln away] GET AWAY FROM ME!

[Lincoln is talking to Luan in her clown outfit]

Lincoln: I'd love to attend your performance. I'm just afraid my bad luck might cause a clown car collision.

Luan: [gasps] That would put a dent in things! [laughs] Get it? But seriously, don't come.

[Lincoln leaves and is now talking to Lily]

Lincoln: Oh, Lily, I sure would like to come to your play date, but I'd hate for my bad luck to cause a boo-boo.

[Lily blows a raspberry at Lincoln. He then comes across Lisa and Laney]

Lisa: [scoffing] Pshaw. There's no such thing as bad luck. There's only science. All else is hooey.

Laney: See? Lisa's smart enough to know that all superstition is to quote: "hooey".

[Enter Lori with her golf clubs]

Lori: They literally have a point. You're coming to my tournament, Lincoln. This family supports each other. [Laney nods in agreement]

Lincoln: You're right. I'm being silly. Let me get those for ya. [takes Lori's clubs and pretends to trip] Whoa whoa whoa! [trips over in the bathroom with a lot of clanging going on; comes out with a club dented] Whoops!

Lori: [gasps] My sand wedge! You are bad luck! You are literally uninvited to my tournament.

Lisa: I retract my earlier statement. BACK, YE CURSED WRETCH! And don't even think about attending my lecture series on thermodynamics!

Laney: Et tu, Lisa? Look! He's just lying to get out of all our plans! And I'll prove it! [Laney walks up to Lincoln but Lori holds her back]

Lori: No, Laney! You don't know what he's capable of!

Lisa: Indeed! [Presses a button and a bubble popped up] Here! This protective bubble should suffice as protection against Lincoln's foul hex! [a hatch opens up from the bubble and Lori throws Laney inside and she and Lisa ran off. Laney's face soon turned red in anger against Lincoln]

[The sisters and parents are leaving the house to attend the big outings]

Lana: Come on, guys. It's time for my gator-wrestling match.

[As soon as they're in the van, Lincoln is elated]

Lincoln: [gleefully sarcastic] So sorry to miss it all. [suddenly comes out sliding like in a famous movie scene and starts dancing] Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky! Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky! [reading his comic in his underwear everywhere in the house] Tough break, Card Shark. Looks like Ace Savvy just called your bluff! [drinks milk from the carton and belches; pushes all of his sisters' activities off his calendar] I gotta say, being bad luck turned out to be pretty good.

[The next day, Lincoln's breakfast is out on the coffee table in the living room]

Lincoln: What the? Why is my breakfast on the coffee table?

Rita: Oh, sorry, sweetheart, but would you mind eating breakfast in the living room today?

Lynn Sr.: I've got a big presentation and your mother's got back-to-back root canal patients. We-we can't risk your bad luck spreading to us.

[Lincoln pours his cereal and turns on the game console]

Lincoln: Just another perk of the bad luck life. Now I can play video games while I eat. [Laney then walks over to Lynn Sr. wearing a pink tutu]

Laney: Dad. Where's Lincoln? I need him to help me with my ballet practice.

Lynn Sr.: Laney! Are you nuts?! What if you sprain your ankle? Or break your back? Or get your ribbon get tangled with your hair?! [Puts his hand on Laney's shoulders] Sweetie, we care about you too much to be around that walking bad luck charm!

Laney: Seriously? You too? [Lincoln could only shrug at the conversation as he continue to play his game]

[Later that night, the family is getting ready to see a movie]

Rita: Come on, kids! The movie starts in half an hour!

[The girls come down super excited to see it]

Lincoln: Dibs on holding the popcorn!

[Lynn screams and leaps out of the house in fear]

Lynn Sr.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, son. I wish you could come, but with your bad luck, who knows what could go wrong?

Lola: The movie could sell out!

Luna: I could get stuck behind some lady with a beehive!

Lisa: Someone could get scalded with molten butter!

Lynn Sr.: [gasps] I didn't even think of that one! Sorry, kiddo.

Lincoln: Oh...no problem. You guys have fun.

Leni: Don't worry. I'll tell you how the movie ends.

[Everyone leaves Lincoln home alone]

Lincoln: Eh, what's missing one movie when it means having more awesome me time?

[He then starts getting bored and lonely]

Lincoln: [dancing miserably] Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky. Who's unlucky. I'm unlucky. [reading another comic in his underwear in the same spots from before] Take that, Wild Card Willy. Ace Savvy just dealt you some justice.

[He checks the milk carton and then puts it back; adds another Lincoln face on his calendar. Just then, he heard a knock at the door, he opens it revealing Laney]

Lincoln: Laney? What are you doing back early?

Laney: I never left, Lincoln. I couldn't stand you living this lie. You made everyone think you're bad luck and now your being shut off by your own family! Don't you feel the slighest bad for all this? [Lincoln then hears the rest of his family coming home and chatting about how much they enjoyed the movie and sighs]

[Later, as he gets ready for bed, he notices that there's something wrong with his door which is now boarded up and bound with hazard tape, and there's a note on it]

Lincoln: [reading note] "Sorry, Lincoln, but you can't sleep here tonight. We can't just risk it"? Are you kidding me?

Sisters: NO! [slam their doors shut]

[Lincoln goes outside to Charles' doghouse]

Lincoln: Hey, buddy, think I could bunk here for the night? [Charles growls at him] You too, Charles? [sighs] Fine, I'll go over to Clyde's.

[He walks to Clyde's house. The next day, Lincoln walks over to the back door only to find it locked]

Lincoln: Guys? I think you accidentally locked me out!

[His breakfast is shoved through the doggy door and he peeks through the window on the door]

Rita: Kids, we've got a special treat for you! Since your father's presentation went so well...

Lynn Sr.: And your mother's root canals, too...

Rita: ...we thought we'd celebrate with a trip to the beach tomorrow.

[Everyone except Laney cheered at the news and and Lincoln pops his head through the doggy door]

Lincoln: We're going to the beach tomorrow?

Lynn Sr.: Ooh, gosh. Sorry, son. Not you. Someone could get attacked by a shark.

Lynn: Or caught in a riptide.

Luna: Or stung by a jellyfish.

Lana: [gasps] If that happens, I call peeing on the wound!

Lincoln: [dejected] Come on, you guys! Be reasonable!

Lola: You're bad luck, Lincoln! You can't come! [closes the doggy door on him, Laney looks on with remorse]

Laney: That's it. This ends now. [walks over to the door]

Lynn Sr.: Laney, what are you doing?

Laney: I'm going to straighten Lincoln out.

Lola: Laney, no! Don't do this!

Lori: Think about your safety! Think about us! [everyone yelled at Laney to not go through with this, she ignored them as she opens the door and walks out to Lincoln. Lincoln looks up to her]

Lincoln: I guess I brought this on myself. [In the kitchen, the rest of the family looks on from the window as Laney confronts Lincoln]

Lana: Check it out. Laney's standin' in front of Lincoln and she's not getting a scratch.

Luan: How can this be? [Lynn suddenly realizes something]

Lynn: Of course! How can I not see how wrong I was... Laney's bad luck too! [everyone gasps in horror and closes the curtains]

Laney: Great! Now they all think I'm bad luck! I hope your happy, Lincoln.

Lincoln: [sighs] I'm not. This is all my fault. I have to fix this!

[Lincoln approaches the front yard with a megaphone]

Lincoln: [into megaphone] ATTENTION, LOUD FAMILY! [hears the feedback hiss and fixes it; back into it] I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE!

[His family pop up to a window to hear his confession]

Lincoln: CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, I AM NOT BAD LUCK. AND NEITHER IS LANEY. I JUST LET YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT SO I COULD GET OUT OF GOING TO YOUR STUFF. IT WAS A REALLY SELFISH THING TO DO. WE ALL NEED TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER. I'M REALLY SORRY.

Mr. Grouse: Nice confession, Loud!

Lynn: If you're not bad luck, then how come after I banned you, my team won our doubleheader, and now, we're going to the playoffs? Huh?

Mr. Grouse: She's got you there, Loud!

Lincoln: COULD YOU PLEASE JUST GO BACK INSIDE?

[Everyone clamors in agreement with Lynn]

Lynn Sr.: Sorry, buddy!

Rita: Sorry, honey!

Lynn Sr.: We'll write!

Leni: Lynn's right, you're both bad luck!

Lynn Sr.: Step farther away from the house!

[The family closes the curtains thus ending the conversation]

Laney: Now see all the trouble you've caused?

Lincoln: You're right, Laney. I shouldn't have lied. How can I make them stop believing me. [Laney thinks for a while and gets an idea]

Laney: That's it! If they all think we're bad luck. We just got to convince them we're GOOD luck!

Lincoln: But how exactly are we gonna do that?

Laney: Luckily, I always pack some good luck charms in case of a superstitious sister. [Holds up a briefcase full of lucky charms and starts putting on a necklace with a four-leaf clover, a rabbit's foot, and a penny. Then she puts on a green hat] I'll just wear all these at the game and this rotten rumor will come to an end.

Lincoln: For you, maybe. But what about me? [shakes some more acorns out of his pants] Dang squirrel! [realizes] Squirrel. Hmm...

[The softball playoffs. The family and Bobby are there to support Lynn. The squirrel mascot is dancing a little less energetic than usual]

Lola: What's with that squirrel today? His choreography is so dated.

Mascot: [in a familiar voice] Hey, man! You try dancing in this heat!

[It's revealed to be Lincoln in the runabout costume]

Lincoln: My plan is simple: I watch the game in disguise, and when the Squirrels win, everyone will see I'm not bad luck.

[At the bleachers Laney walks up to her family with her charms]

Laney: Hey, family. [the family screams and backs away at the sight of her]

Lola: Laney!? Waht are you doing here?! You've brought doom to us all!

Laney: I don't think so. See what I'm wearing? [gestures to all the lucky charms she's currently wearing]

Luna: She's right, brahs. Look at all those charms.

Leni: And I didn't break my heel.

Lisa: Perhaps it's possible that we were to early to jump to conclusions when Lynn said both Lincoln and Laney are bad luck.

Lola: Maybe... [To Laney] But if you cause Lynn the game it will be on your head!

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Baseball Announcer: Talk about bad luck. Everything is going wrong with the Squirrels today. What do you think, Pep?

Pep: [downright bored] I think I've wasted my life.

Baseball Announcer: Just look at our poor squirrels!

[Margo takes a swing and flings herself into the umpire and the bat hits her helmet. Two more squirrels collide into each other and miss the catch. One Squirrel tosses the bat right at Lincoln by accident. Lynn pitches and the opposing batter hits the ball right back her, knocking her socks, shoes, and hat off and making her spin in mid-air before landing on the ground]

Baseball Announcer: Yowza. [shows the score: Hazeltuck Lions: 3, Royal Woods Squirrels: nothing] Two outs in the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded. Lynn Loud steps up to the plate, but with the luck she's been having today, the Squirrels are looking a whole lot like roadkill.

Luna: Way harsh, dude!

Baseball Announcer: I think you're rubbing off on me, Pep.

Pep: [dully] Oh, I have that effect on people.

Baseball Announcer: The windup, the pitch.

[Lynn swings and misses]

Umpire: Strike one!

Lincoln: [scared] Lynn's right. I am bad luck.

Laney: Oh no...

Lola: HA! I knew it!

[Lynn swings and misses again]

Umpire: Strike two!

Lincoln: Maybe I can move into Lisa's fallout shelter. Lead walls will keep my bad luck from affecting anyone.

Baseball Announcer: And the pitch!

[The sound of the ball getting hit by the bat is heard and the rest of Lynn's team runs the remaining bases]

Baseball Announcer: It's going...it's going...IT'S GONE! LYNN LOUD HITS A GRAND SLAM! SQUIRRELS WIN! SQUIRRELS WIN!

[The family and Bobby cheer for Lynn as she makes her run around the field]

Baseball Announcer: [clinging to Pep] SQUIRRELS WIN! SQUIRRELS WIN! [knocks Pep down]

[Lynn finishes her run and gets picked up by her family in celebration of her victory]

Family: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ROCKED IT, LYNN-SANITY!

[Lincoln in disguise joins them]

Lola: [to the mascot] Um, do you mind, fur ball? This is a family moment.

Lincoln: Guys, it's me! [takes the mask off] I was here the whole time! This proves it. I'm not bad luck.

Laney: See! I told you! Lincoln was never unlucky to begin with and neither was I!

Lynn: Wow, guys. I am so sorry.

[The rest of the family apologizes]

Lincoln: Guys, if anyone's sorry it's me. I'm sorry I lied to you all. I get it now, in this family, everyone's got to be there to support each other, at ther own things. I should've respected that more than my things. [walks up to Laney] And Laney, I'm especially sorry I got you involved in all this. You saw through my ruse and tried to prove Lynn wrong. So please, is there anything I could do to make it up to you?

Laney: It's alright Lincoln. You admitting your mistake is enough to- [suddenly gets an idea] On second thought... What day is it today?

Lincoln: Friday. Why?

Laney: [smirks] Perfect...

[Cut to later that night at North Royal Woods elementary school auditorium]

Announcer: And now. North Royal Woods elementary proudly presents: "The Diamond Swan". Peformed by Mrs. Shropshire's class. And led by our very own, Laney Loud! [Curtain pulls up and soon Laney and the rest of her class entered in blue tutu's and started dancing. Her family cheered from the audience]

Lola: [to a random kid] That's my sister up there!

[Just then right behind the dancers, Lincoln was right behind them wearing a tutu himself. Everyone in the audience gasped at this]

Random kid: Is that your brother?

Lola: Nope! Never seen him in my life.

[Laney's class and Lincoln continued their performance. Then they finished off with Laney carrying Lincoln up. And the audience applauded]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] I really gotta learn to keep my big mouth shut...