38. Brawl in the Family

Brawl in the Family

It all started just like any normal day in the Loud house. Laney was quietly reading a book and enjoing the company of her sisters. But just then Lori came in.

Lori: Guys! Check out this dress I found at the mall! It's literally one of a kind!

Lori's sisters: Oooohh...

Leni: [enters the room with her dress] O-M-Gosh, you guys! Look at this dress I found at the mall!

[The sisters gasp due to Lori and Leni having the same dress]

Leni: [walks up to Lori] Ooohh...when did we put a mirror in the living room?

Lori: That's not a mirror, that's me! Now go take your dress back!

Leni: What? No! You take yours back!

Laney: Wait! Can't we just agree to disagree?

Lori: Okay. I agree that this dress is better on me and disagree that it's better on her! [Points to Leni]

Leni: Yeah? Well, that dress makes you look like Aunt Ruth!

Lori: Take that back!

Leni: Take that dress back! [the two growl at each other]

Laney: Guys, wait! We shouldn't fight! There's gotta be something I can do to fix this! [Luna grabs Laney]

Luna: Don't get involved in politics, Lanes. [The other sisters whistle and head upstairs]

[That very afternoon, Lincoln was

histling as he goes to the couch, but the living room is empty. Then, he walks over to the kitchen, only to find out that Luna is blocking the entrance.]

Luna: Sorry bro, kitchen's off limits. Lori's in there cooling off. She and Leni had a major throwdown.

Lincoln: Yeah, sad story. But I'm hungry.

Lisa: [As Lincoln was about to walk into the kitchen.] Fear not, male sibling. You should be able to satiate your appetite by forging under the couch cushions. [holds out the bagel] See what I scored?

Lincoln: Ooh, an everything bagel. [eats the bagel]

Lisa: [takes the bagel from Lincoln] Mmm...correction, a plain bagel with lint, dog hair, [gasps] Gadzooks! Is that a booger?

[Lincoln surprised, runs to the bathroom to throw up.]

Lincoln: [To Lana] Do not eat the couch bagel.

Lana: Sorry, bathroom's off limits. Leni is in there cooling off from the fight. [hand Lincoln a bucket.] Here, use this.

Lincoln: A bucket? [gulps]

Lana: Don't knock it till you try it.

[Lincoln gives a look of discontent]

[In the living room, Lola, Lynn, Laney, and Lucy are reading. Lincoln enters the room with a bowl of popcorn and wearing monster truck fan attire. Lincoln is about to take the remote. His sisters, after staring at him, beat him up then continue reading.]

Lynn: Sorry, TV's off limits.

Lincoln: [Annoyed] Aw, come on! Why?

Lola: Lori and Leni are on edge. You watching a Monster Truck Rally is not going to help them.

Lincoln: This is ridiculous! What are they even fighting about?

Laney: Leni and Lori have the same dress and now they won't speak to each other.

Lincoln: That's it? You gotta be kidding me! Clyde and I wear the same shirt on picture day, and we didn't care. [flashback to where he and Clyde wear the same shirt on a school picture day. End flashback]

Lucy: It's a sister thing. You wouldn't understand.

Lincoln: Well, let's go help them work it out. So we can have our house back. [Lynn stops him with her hockey stick] Oof!

Lynn: Negative. In this family, we have a sister fight protocol. Butt out, and let them resolve it on their own. That goes for you too, Laney.

Laney: But I know I can resolve this! This family needs my voice of reason!

Lola: Your heart's in the right place, Laney. But, you're playing with fire.

Laney: But someone has to go up there and calm them down!

Lynn: You don't even know what you're doing. Stay down before you have another one of your "episodes".

Laney: [stands up] You'll see! I'm going to stop this silly feud, without the help your protocol! [walks upstairs, as she gets to Lori and Leni's room, Lincoln joins her] Lincoln? You want to help too?

Lincoln: You bet! Because I have a protocol, too! Which is I don't like pooping in a bucket! [knocks on Lori and Leni's bedroom door and opens the door as he and Laney walk in. He sighs] Hey guys. Now look, I know you've been having a little problem. Maybe we can work something out.

Lori: Lincoln, can you tell Leni that the only way we can work it out is if she takes that dress back to the store?

Leni: Laney, can you Lori that taffeta makes her look fat?

Lori: [angrily] WHAT?! How dare you call me fat!

Laney: Uh, okay! Let's calm down for a moment and think about this. You two have been very close together. Are you really gonna break it up because the two of you have the same dress?

Lori Leni: YES!

Lincoln: Okay. Leni, why don't you just return the dress? Lori once said blue makes you look washed out anyway.

Leni: [to Lori] Wait, what?!

Laney: Lincoln?

Lincoln: Okay, okay. Lori, how about you return the dress? [behind him, Laney signals Lincoln to stop talking] Leni says taffeta makes you look like Aunt Ruth. And who wants that? Am I right? [Lori gasps]

Lori: [to Leni] Excuse me?!

Laney: Oh no...

Lincoln: So what do you say? Ready to hug it out?

Lori: Uh, no we are not! She thinks I look like Aunt Ruth!

Leni: [To Lori] You insulted my skin tone! [She and Lori argue at each other. Laney grabs Lincoln and they got out of the room. Just then, the other sisters were angry at him for making the fight worse.]

Lynn: Ugh, nice job Lincoln! We told you two to stay out of it!

Lisa: Based on rising decibel levels, I'm up in the threat level in the house from thunderstorm to hissing cats. Sisters, to your stations!

Lincoln: Uh, what's going on?

Lola: Let us handle it.

[The next scene, Lincoln is in his room reading manga. Luna and Luan enter the room, which scares Lincoln.]

Luna: Scram, dude. We need your room.

Lincoln: What? Why?

Luan: Lori's approaching the sector, and we can't risk a run-in with Leni.

[Luna pushes Lincoln out of his room as walks back in, as Luan pushes Leni in there.]

Lucy: [voice] Abort, abort. Leni is headed back up. [Luna and Luan pushes Lori into Lincoln's room.]

Lori: Ah!

Lincoln: [As Luna and Luan enter the room with Lori.] Ah!

Luan: Lincoln, make like a drum and beat it! [chuckles] Get it? But seriously, out.

[Lincoln is kicked out of his room. Leni walks back upstairs and goes to her room as she slams the door.]

Lincoln: [sighs]

[Later that night, it is dinner time.]

Lynn Sr.: ...And then Mort realized he was drinking regular, not decaf! [starts laughing]

Lori: [Rises up from her chair] Dinner was delicious, Mom.

Rita: Thanks, sweetie!

[Lori walks out of the dining room]

Lincoln: Yeah, thanks, Mom. I am stuffed.

Rita: Well, I hope you saved room for dinner.

Laney: But didn't we just have dinner?

Lynn Sr.: Sister fight protocol. Lori and Leni dine separately.

Rita: And we have to eat with them both. So they don't think we're taking sides.

[In the next scene, they dine with Leni.]

Lynn Sr.: And then Mort realized he was drinking regular, not decaf! [laughs, Leni laughs as well]

Laney: [sighs]

Rita: Laney, you've barely touched your second dinner. What's wrong?

Laney: I'll tell you what's wrong. All this is wrong! Something's got to be done about this!

Lynn Sr.: Honey, you have to respect the protocol. Let Lori and Leni solve this on there own.

Laney: But I'm a sister too! I know I can help! Sibling are supposed to be there for each other!

Lincoln: Come on, Laney. Let's just go to bed. [sighs]

[Lincoln walks to his bedroom, until he realizes that his sheets and blanket are missing. He walks out of his bedroom. Lana whistles while she walks out of the bathroom with her plunger.]

Lincoln: Hey, what gives? What happened to my sheets and blanket?

Lana: Sister fight protocol. We used them to make a divider in Lori and Leni's room.

Lincoln: Well, what am I supposed to sleep under? [Lana shoves him to his room.]

Lana: Try this. [Dumps all the dirty laundry clothes on Lincoln and laughs]

Lincoln: [Fed up] Alright, that's it!

Lana: Lincoln, what are you doing? [knocks on every door for every sister younger than Lori and Leni] Guys, we have a situation.

Laney: What now?

[Lincoln angrily walks into Lori and Leni's room and takes down the divider. Lori and Leni gasp while the others watch.]

Lincoln: I'm done with this! You guys and your stupid fight have ruined the whole day! It's time to get over it and make up!

Luan: Lincoln, this has to run it's course. Sister fight protocol.

Lincoln: Forget sister fight protocol!

Leni: Well, I'm not sleeping in here with her!

Lori: I'm not sleeping in here with her, either!

Laney: Everybody calm down! I have a solution! Let sleep in different rooms. Leni, you sleep in Luan and Luna's room and Luna can sleep here.

Lincoln: Great idea, Lanes!

Leni: Works for me!

Lori: Me too!

[Leni grabs her pillow to sleep in Luna and Luan's room.]

Luna: You guys are playing with fire! [The other sisters (except Laney) all talk at once in agreement]

Lincoln: Listen. Laney knows how to solve problems in this house. By tomorrow, Lori and Leni will have cooled off, and you'll be thanking us!

The very next day, Laney was awoken to the sound of her sisters fighting again. But when she got out to investigate, it wasn't Lori and Leni.

[Laney Lincoln notices that Luan and Luna was arguing instead of Lori and Leni]

Luna: Lori had the dress first! She told me the whole story last night!

Luan: Well, Leni told me her side, and she clearly had the dress first!

Luna: Ha! That's funnier than most of your lame jokes!

Luan: Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you! I've gone partially deaf from your horrible guitar playing!

Laney: What's going on? [Luna and Luan growl at her. Lori, Lynn, Lisa, Leni, Lana, and Lucy have got out of their rooms.]

Lynn: [on a megaphone] SISTER FIGHT PROTOCOL! DIVIDE AND ISOLATE!

[Lola is on her princess car, in which she gets Luna on.]

Lola: You're paying for new shocks, Lincoln!

[Luan is holding Lincoln by his shirt, getting ready to pummel him, Laney pulled Lincoln away from her]

Laney: Leave him alone!

Luan: You stay out of this!

Lana: [Grabs Luan with her rope, and pulls her to Lincoln's room.] This room is now off limits! [Shuts the door, and the off limits sign is on the doorknob.]

Lincoln: Come on! Why is it always my room?

Lisa: Congratulations, elder brother and less elder sister. Thanks to you, the threat level is now a stampeding T-Rex.

Lynn Sr.: Stampeding T-Rex?! [screams and boards up the door to his bedroom] Alright, we'll storm out in here.

Rita: [puts Lily down on the drawer] Did you remember the bucket?

Lynn Sr.: Dang it!

Lisa: [Is bringing Lori into the bathroom] Commencing T-Rex protocol. I've got Big L, and we're on the move.

Lucy: [coming out of Luna and Luan's room with Leni] Roger that.

Lana: [With Luan] We're headed for the red zone.

Lola: [With Luna] Copy that, we're headed for the green zone.

[Both parties are unknowingly heading into each other's paths, and end up bumping into each other, with Luna and Luan snarling at each other.]

Lana: Lola, what are you doing? This is the red zone. The door is red.

Lola: Uh, hello! The carpet is green. [Now the twins are also arguing, as the four of them argue, Laney walks through the crossfire with deep concern]

Laney: Oh no... This is because I suggested they sleep in different rooms! [Lincoln walks by with a bowl of cereal, he walks into the room, but immediately backs away. Laney walks with him. Bobby is coming by to deliver pizza, and immediately rushes to the parents' bedroom window, and knocks.]

Bobby: Here you go, Mrs. Loud.

Rita [pays and tips him] Thanks Bobby. Just the large pepperoni for us, you can deliver the rest to the front door.

Bobby: Do I have to? Lori told me the threat level is at Stampeding T-Rex.

[Lynn Sr. comes and bumps Rita off screen.]

Lynn Sr.: Just ring the doorbell and run. [closes the window, and pulls down the curtains]

Bobby: Ohhh! Good call, Mr. L.

[Bobby dashes off screen with the rest of the pizzas to deliver them.]

Lucy: Okay, first seating will be Leni, Luan, and Lana.

Lisa: [Off screen] Roger! Copy that.

[Laney was sitting at the dining table, with a fearful expression. Beside her, Lynn was slacking off while eating pizza. Lucy walks in and notices her]

Lucy: Gasp! What are you doing? You're supposed to be watching Lori, Luna, and Lola.

Lynn: Can't I have a break? I've been working for nine hours.

Lucy: So have I, and you don't see me complaining.

Lynn: Oh yeah, cause you're always such a ray of sunshine.

Lucy: At least I don't smell like crusty athletic socks.

Lynn: Please! Like Eau De Death is better.

Laney: Guys, stop!

[Lisa walks into the dining room with Leni, Luan, and Lana, as Lucy and Lynn begin to argue]

Lisa: Oh, boy. Here we go. We are now at Erupting Volcano, people.

Lana: ENOUGH WITH YOUR DUMB CHART! [Grabs the chart from Lisa, and takes a big bite out of it.]

Lisa: How would you like to eat that hat?!

[The rest of the sisters enter the scene, and all of them are arguing now, which ends up with them fighting. Laney was stressed about the situation, as she couldn't think of what to do]

Laney: No... no... I...I...

Lincoln: Hey guys. [As he walks into the room, but is shocked to see his sisters are now fighting. He then notices Laney standing ther in a blubbering mess] Laney? Are you okay? [Laney's eyes began to spin and smoke began puffing from her ears]

Laney: Arrr...ugh...eeee... Why...can't...I...DAH!

Lincoln: Oh no! [Lincoln grabs Laney and he sneaks under the sink and calls Clyde on his walkie-talkie.] Clyde, come in!

Clyde: Hey Lincoln, what's up?

Lincoln: Is your trundle bed available?

Clyde: Is it for you, or Lori?

Lincoln: For me, Clyde! Duh! Sorry buddy, I'm a little stressed. We're at Erupting Volcano over here.

Clyde: What about Laney? Isn't she handling it?

Lincoln: Not anymore! She's having one her "episodes" again!

Clyde: Say no more.

[Cuts to later that evening with Lincoln Laney over at Clyde's house.]

Laney: I tried so hard to solve it after that, but I couldn't figure out what to do.

Clyde: Interesting, and how did that make you feel?

Laney: I don't know what to feel! Except confused, and helpless...

Lincoln: Clyde, what are you doing? [Clyde is sitting in a chair like a therapist]

Clyde: When I take my problems to Dr. Lopez, this is how she helps me. Go on, Lanes.

Laney: It's that stupid protocol's fault! Siblings are supposed to help each other! If they just let me handle it, I... Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn't handle it! So far all I tried made things worse! I'm supposed to be the voice of reason in my family. But now I fear I'm losing my voice...

Lincoln: Don't say that, Laney. Of course you're not losing your voice! You were there us when the chips are down. Your always prepared for anything.

Laney: I wasn't prepared for the time you had girl trouble.

Lincoln: That's different. You didn't know how to stop my sisters' meddling. You can't blame yourself for that. [puts his hand on Laney's shoulder] The point is you shouldn't beat yourself up because you don't have the answer to everything. What matters is that you were there for you siblings, just like we're there for you. [Laney smiles]

Clyde: I don't know about you two, but I think we made a breakthrough today. Heh, I've always wanted to say that.

Laney: Thanks, guys. But that still can't solve this silly fight back home. If I could just get my mind off it I can- [gasps in awe] That's it!

Lincoln: What's it?

Laney: I know how we can solve this problem once and for all! Come on! [Lincoln and Laney run back to their home] Thanks, Clyde!

Clyde: No problem! And come back sometime and we'll talk about your "episodes"!

[The next day, Lincoln and Laney return home and back up behind the van]

Laney: [whispers to Lincoln] Remember the plan? [Lincoln gives her a thumbs up]

Lincoln: And are you sure this will work?

Laney: If it worked last time, It'll work this time.

Lincoln: Okay. [takes a deep breath] Here goes. [into a megaphone] ATTENTION, LOUD SISTERS! I AM HERE TO RESOLVE YOUR CONFLICTS! PLEASE REMAIN CALM! I AM COMING IN!

[He holds up a trash can lid as a shield, inches toward the door, and opens the door, prepared for the worst. When he enters, the other sisters were gathered at the living room]

Lori: What now, Lincoln. We literally told you two to butt out!

Lincoln: I know, and that's why I have figured out the perfect solution to this problem.

Lola: We don't want to hear it!

Lincoln: [then gets angry] I've learned that the only way for me to keep peace in this house is to leave!

Sisters: What!?

Lucy: But why?

Lincoln: I'll tell you why! I'm tired of you all arguing all the time! Do you even know what I've been through yesterday?! I'm your brother! It's my job be there for you! But all you guys want is for me to BUTT OUT! [The girls looked at each other with remorse] Well, you'll be happy to know you won't deal with me anymore! I'll just get my stuff upstairs and be on my way. [As Lincoln walks upstairs, Lola stops him]

Lola: Please don't go Lincoln!

Luna: Yeah! We didn't mean to make you feel this way, brah!

Lisa: We just couldn't break protocol!

Lori: We'll do anything to change your mind!

Sisters (except Laney): JUST PLEASE DON'T GO! [Lincoln grins to viewers]

Lincoln: Alright. I'll stay. One one condition!

Sisters (Except Laney): Anything!

Lincoln: From now on, Laney and I get involved in the sister fight protocol. No more butting out! Got it?

Lisa: Done, done, and already done. [Lincoln comes down and gives his sisters a hug]

Leni: You know, I forgot why we were fighting.

Lori: It was a dress, Leni.

Leni: Oh, that? You can have it. You totally don't look like Aunt Ruth in it.

Lori: Thanks. [The sisters walk into the living room] You look pretty good in it too.

Leni: You really think so?

Lori: Lens, I know so.

Lincoln: [Laney enters the house] Well, Laney. Looks like your plan worked.

Laney: Yep. I figured if they were more concerned about you than the reason they're fighting, they would forget about it.

Lincoln: Well, thanks to us we won't have to worry about the protocol ever again. Especially when Lynn says she needs- [Laney covers Lincoln's mouth before she could finish that sentence]

Laney: To keep practacing so she can be a sports star some day.

Lynn: Oh yeah! I'm goin' for the gold. [Laney removes her hand from Lincoln's mouth]

Laney: Next time you want to butt in the sister fight protocol, you better let me do the talking. [Lincoln nervously shrugs]