36. The Old and The Restless

The Old and the Restless

[The van drives to a retirement home and Lincoln and Laney come out]

Rita: Have fun with Pop-Pop kids, I'll see you at 6:00!

Laney: Okay mom! [Rita drives off] Thanks for letting me visit Pop Pop with you Lincoln. It's been so long since I've seen him!

[An elderly man is coming out with a box of his belongings]

Elderly Man: But..but...but...but...

Sue: [pushing elderly man out of retirement home] If you would've had your butt home by curfew, you'd still have a place to live.

[Lincoln enters retirement home and rings the bell; an elderly man taps Lincoln's shoulder then tip-toes to the side]

Lincoln & Laney: Pop-Pop! [The kids hug their grandpa]

Albert: Ha, ha, ha!

Laney: So nice to see you!

Albert: You too, Lanes! How are your sisters?

Laney: They've been better.

Lincoln: Your new place looks nice!

Albert: Thanks kiddo. It took me months to get in here. I had to wait for three people to kick the bu-uh, move out. This place has got a pool, shuffleboard tournaments, and it's filled with all my old pals. I'm really loving it here. So, what's on the day's agenda?

Lincoln: I got our whole day planned: arcade, carnival, maybe laser tag?

Sue: Wowsers! [chuckles] That sound's like oodles of fun...

Laney: Yeah! Especially the laser-

Sue: If you wanna end up in the ER. I think your grandfather will be happier spending the day here at Sunset Canyon. Right, Albert?

Albert: [sadly] Oh, yes, of course. Good call, Sue.

Lincoln: But Pop-Pop-

Albert: It's okay, Lincoln. Sue here takes real care of us. She knows best.

[Scoots comes speeding on her electrical scooter]

Sue: Scoots! [pulls out a velocity speed gun] You're going 5 miles over the speed limit! Someone just lost her pudding privileges. [runs after the speeding elder] Get back here.

Laney: She knows too much.

Lincoln: [Looks at his grandfather all happy] Hey, how 'bout a swim?

[Albert obliges and walks with Lincoln and Laney]

[Cut to the pool where Lincoln and Albert run to the pool]

Lincoln: Cannonball!

[They both stop as they here Sue's whistle]

Sue: Cannonball? That sounds like a hoot, if you want to brake a hip. Do you want to break a hip Albert?

[Albert shakes his head in a nerveless agreement]

Sue: Then why don't you grab a seat on the helper chair?

[An elder is on the helper chair with a line of elders waiting for their turn]

Albert: [Disappointed] Good call, Sue. [Walks towards the helper chair]

Sue: [Looks towards Lincoln] And speaking of pool safety, I have something for you two.

[Lincoln and Laney are floating unhappy in the pool, wearing life vests and water nose-plugs]

Laney: I'm one for safety, but even I think this is too much.

Albert: Okay, kids splash fight in 3,2,- [gets interrupted by Sue's whistle]

Sue: Everybody out! Time to reapply sunblock.

Albert: [Disappointed] Aww.

[He goes back up in the helper chair]

Lincoln: [looks at Sue, confused] But we're indoors.

Albert: [Still disappointed; looks at Lincoln] Now Lincoln, Sue knows best.

[The kids swim away off-screen]

Seymour: [In the pool on a purple water noddle] But Sue I-I just got the hang of this noodle and I- [gets interrupted by Sue]

Sue: Okay, Seymour, you can stay in the water. If you want your skin to flake off like a burnt potato!

Seymour: [Disappointed, paddling backwards] Oh..good call Sue...

[Cut to room where Albert and Lincoln are playing Twister. Lincoln spins the board]

Lincoln: Left foot red!

[Albert tries to stretches his left foot onto a red panel and blows a raspberry upon placing it. Lincoln spins again, but Sue stomps on the arrow]

Sue: Well, doesn't this look like a great way to end up in traction? Why don't you go help Scoots with her cat puzzle?

[Scoots is eating from the pudding dispenser despite having her privileges taken away]

Sue: [blows her whistle] I EXPRESSLY SAID NO PUDDING!

Scoots: You'll never catch me, SHREW! [laughs and scoots off while Sue gives chase and keeps blowing her whistle]

[Albert's room]

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, you really need a nap?

Laney: I can certainly use one. I am so sick of Sue's rules!

Albert: Now now, Laney. Sue knows best.

Laney: "Sue knows best" "Sue knows best". Sue does NOT know best!

Lincoln: Can't you see what Sue's done to you? She's convinced you you're old and frail. But you're not. The last time we hung out, you crushed those Navy SEAL's in paintball.

[Flashback to the SEAL's screaming and being splattered by Albert who comes swinging on a vine vigorously; end flashback]

Albert: Ho, ho. I took it to 'em. But that was years ago, Lincoln.

Lincoln: It was last month. Pop-Pop, I think we should go have a fun day out on the town like we used to.

Albert: Okay, you sold me. Let's blow this popsicle stand!

[Sue is monitoring the lobby when she spots Lincoln and Pop-Pop heading out the door]

Sue: Where are you three Peppy Pete's off to? Albert, shouldn't you be in bed?

Lincoln: He's not tired.

Sue: [sarcastic] Oh, I didn't realize we had geriatric experts on the premises.

Laney: Well these experts knows best unlike some people! [Sue glares at Laney]

Lincoln: We're just going out to have some fun.

Sue: We'll that sounds like a good way to miss our 6:00 PM curfew. And you know what happens if you miss curfew. You'll be out on your proverbial keister.

Albert: [nervous] Uh...come on, kids. Race you to the shuffleboard court.

Laney: No! [Laney stops Albert] We're taking Pop Pop on a well needed day out of this maximum security prison!

Lincoln: And we promise we'll be back by 6:00 o'clock curfew.

Albert: Hm, okay, kiddo. Lead the way.

[Just as they're about to leave, Sue points to her watch to remind Lincoln not to be late as he smiles nervously, Laney blows a rasberry at her]

[At Dine 'N' Dance, Lincoln, Laney, and Albert are ordering lunch]

Lincoln: Two cheeseburgers, three fries, and three chocolate shakes.

Albert: Oh, not for me. I'll just have the cottage cheese and melon slices. [His grandson looks at him confused] Sue says I should stick to food that's a little easier to digest.

Lincoln: This from the guy who cleaned out an entire Chinese buffet?

[Flashback to Albert eating everything at the buffet, forcing the family who owns the restaurant to close up shop; end flashback]

Albert: [chuckles] I took it to 'em. Ah, what the heck? I'll have what he's havin'. And put chili on everything!

Laney: Not everything. Unlike my grampa, my stomach's delicate.

[After lunch, Lincoln and Albert are stuff and Albert passes gas]

Laney: Ew. Pop Pop!

Albert: Wasn't me! Someone must've stepped on a frog.

[They laugh]

Waitress: [announcing] Hey, hap cats and kittens! It's time to do the twist!

[A 50's style greaser dances with one of the waitresses and another waitress offers to dance with Albert]

Albert: [unsure] Uh, thank you, but I really shouldn't. Sue says dancing is a great way to slip a disk.

Lincoln: But, Pop-Pop, you love to dance.

Albert: They did call me "Jitterbug" in the Army. [dances with the waitress after all]

Waitress: Woo-hoo! [laughs gleefully while dancing with Albert]

And so for the rest of the day, Lincoln, Laney, and their Pop Pop has spent day together. Playing Laser tag, carnival rides, mountain climbing, and seeing whoever can go the longest without brain freeze.

[Lincoln gets him and his Pop-Pop two hot dogs and notices he made a new friend]

Albert: Lincoln, Laney, my new friend T-Bone here was just telling me about a mechanical bull riding competition.

Laney: Well, tell him some other time. We gotta get back before 6:00. Sue said-

Albert: Aw, nuts to Sue! You were right about her! She got me thinking I'm an old geezer. But I still got some pep in my step. [shows off a few dance moves] Huh? Huh?

Lincoln: Yeah, but Sue said if we miss curfew, you'll be out on your proverbial keister.

Albert: [finishes his hot dog] You let me deal with Sue. Now, you ready to saddle up?

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, we can't.

Albert: Okay, worrywarts, then I'm outta here. Let's ride, T-Bone!

[The biker and the geezer head off]

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, wait! What have I done? [the two chases after his Pop-Pop down the street and spots the motorcycle parked next to a bar] T-Bone's bike!

Laney: But, where's Pop Pop?

Lincoln: Maybe he's in there. [points to a bar the bike was parked in]

Laney: [nervous] Um, you go on ahead. I'll stay here...

Lincoln: Come on! [Lincoln grabs Laney and they enter the bar] Mr. Bone, do you know where our grandpa is?

T-Bone: Oh, you mean Cowboy Al?

Laney: Cowboy Al?

T-Bone: Your Pop's bull rindin' name. Haven't seen him since he won the competition.

[T-Bone shows a recording he took of Albert on the mechanical bull on his phone]

Recording Albert: YEE-HAW!

Lincoln: Well, if he's not here, where is he?

Laney: I may have an idea. [Points to the bar's TV where a baseball game is on]

Sportscaster: Martinez goes back for the catch, and...what in blazes? There's an old man on the field, in his boxers! And there go the boxers.

[Lincoln and Laney cover their eyes upon hearing that last part]

Lincoln: To the ballpark! [they leave the bar]

[Sterrett Field. Albert gets kicked out for that little incident and a crowd comes raging out and seems to have carried him off. Now Albert is skateboarding off a half-pipe and lands right on a breakdancing stage in style. The heavy metal band Horns on a Rabbit then grabs him and takes him in their van where he performs sax on stage with them with the crowd raving as he then performs a stage dive outside of the theater with Lincoln and Laney trying to catch up every which way to no avail]

Laney: Lincoln! It's 5:30!

Lincoln: Pop-Pop's curfew is in 30 minutes.

[He then looks up to see that he's riding a plane, skywriting "Pop-Pop Rules". He grabs some passerby's glasses to get a better look while said passerby crashes off-screen]

Albert: LOOK OUT, WORLD! ALBERT'S ABOUT TO TAKE IT TO YA! [jumps out of the plane] YAHOO-AH!

[Lincoln yelps and he and Laney rush to where Albert's gonna land; the old man lands somewhere in the trees nearby and lets out a fart]

Lincoln: Pop-Pop!

Albert: Whoops! Guess I had too much chili. Sorry, kiddos. I think I overdid it a little today.

Laney: You think?

Lincoln: That's okay, Pop-Pop. If we hurry, we can still get you back in time. Hold on. [proceeds to get him down]

[Back at Sunset Canyon, Lincoln and Albert reach the front door only to find that Sue's patrolling the lobby again and split up. She gets out her keys, ready to lock up, and looks at her watch which shows it's a few minutes before curfew]

Sue: Ah, close enough. [locks up]

[Lincoln tries to open the front door, but it's no use]

Lincoln: Dang it!

Sue: [on voice box] Attention, residents! Time for room check!

Albert: Double dang it!

Bernie: Psst! Al! Up here!

[Laney, Lincoln, and Albert turn to the others at their windows]

Bernie: We saw you at the ball game on TV. Didn't know you were a boxers guy.

Seymour: I saw your name in the sky, Al. You really do rule!

Scoots: We're not gonna let Shrew kick you outta here. Come on, you old farts! I need your canes!

[Laney, Lincoln, and Albert smile with hope; meanwhile, Sue's checking on the rooms]

Sue: Evening, Melba. Ah ah ah! No liquids before bed.

[Scoots hooks Seymour and Bernie's canes down to Lincoln and Albert who use them like a climbing rope and get up to her room, but Sue is checking up on that room next only to see Scoots]

Scoots: [chuckles] Just workin' on my cat puzzle.

[As soon as Sue leaves, Lincoln and Albert pop out from behind her sofa]

Lincoln and Albert: Phew.

Sue: [preparing to check Albert's room] Albert?

[Seymour comes out in a towel holding a shower head]

Seymour: Sue! Help! I can't turn my shower off.

[Sue goes into Seymour's room to help him out and Albert and Lincoln sneak over to the door to Albert's room only to find it's locked. Albert checks his pockets]

Albert: Nuts. Can't find my key.

Bernie: I got ya. You gave me a spare.

[They enter Bernie's room and get the spare key]

Lincoln: Thanks, Bernie.

[They use the key and get into Albert's room]

Lincoln: We did it!

Albert: We sure took it to Sue.

[They fist bump, but...]

Sue: Oh, did you, now?

Laney: Yeah, we sure did! That sticky old monkey, didn't see us coming!

Lincoln: Laney?

Laney: Sure I'm not one to break rules. But the rules that shrew makes are totally unfair!

Albert: Laney?

Laney: I'm surprised you guys haven't stood up to her! I mean she's only one stubborn nurse! She-

Sue: Ahem! [Laney turns around to see Sue is behind her]

Laney: Oh dear...

[Now, Albert is being kicked out of the home]

Lincoln: But-but-but-but-

Sue: No buts. You missed curfew and it's out on your keister!

Lincoln: We're sorry, Pop-Pop. We never should have made you leave today. And now you're getting kicked out. I know how much you loved it here.

Albert: No worries, kiddo. I regret nothing. You see that day we just had? I don't wanna be livin' in a place that makes me feel like an old geezer anyhow.

[Lincoln and Laney smile at what their Pop-Pop just said]

Sue: Who cares? Let's get moving.

[Enter Scoots]

Scoots: Hold on there, Shrew. If you kick Albert out, then you gotta kick me out, too.

Sue: [mercilessly] With pleasure.

Seymour: And us, too!

[All the seniors are shown to be standing up for Albert]

Bernie: Yeah! You won't have much of a seniors' center without seniors! Zing! That's a burn from Bernie!

[The seniors and Sue eye each other back and forth]

Sue: [defeated] Fine! Albert stays! NOW GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS!

Albert: We'll go back when we're good and ready! We're not babies and you're gonna stop treating us that way!

[Sue viciously snaps her clipboard in half and stomps away while the seniors and Lincoln and Laney hold Albert, but that proves to be a mistake as they drop him on their frail bodies and they moan in pain]

Albert: There goes the hip.

[Rita drives the van up to pick up Lincoln and Laney with his grandpa waving to his daughter]

Rita: Hi, Dad! Come on, kids!

Laney: Thanks for the fun day, Pop Pop!

Albert: So long, kiddos! I can't wait for your next visit. [winks] And bring your chaps in case we wanna do some bull riding. And my parachute.

Laney: Thanks, but maybe we can do something less dangerous next time?

Seymour: [from inside] Hey, Big Al! We're having a celebratory late night swim!

Albert: Don't need 'em! Till next time, kids! [heads inside and takes off all his clothes, throwing them out at the van]

Scoots: Now this guy knows how to party!

[The expressions on their faces indicates they doesn't wanna see that]