18. Butterfly Effect

Butterfly Effect

Lincoln: Watch in awe, as The Amazing Lincoln displays his unbelievable yo-yo skills! I shall now "walk the dog"!

(Charles enters the scene, carrying a leash in his mouth)

Lincoln: Not you, Charles. I meant the yo-yo.

(Charles wimpers, and he walks out of the scene; Lincoln does his "walk the dog" trick)

Lincoln: I shall now go "AROUND THE WORLD"!

(Charles enters the scene, carrying a suitcase)

Lincoln: Sorry, still talking about the yo-yo.

(Charles whimpers, and he walks out of the scene; Lincoln attempts to do the "around the world" trick, but the yo-yo flies off his finger, ricochets around the hallway, and flies into Lisa and Lily's room, causing a crash)

Lincoln: (nervous) The Amazing Lincoln will now take a brief intermission.

(Lincoln and Charles look into the room, and they see that the bottles on Lisa's desk have been broken, with their contents spilled)

Laney: Lisa, whatever experiment you're doing do you think you can keep it down a- [Laney sees the mess in Lisa's room and gasps] Lincoln! What have you done!?

Lincoln: Uh, I was doing a yo yo trick then it smashed right into Lisa and Lily's room! It was an accident, I swear!

Laney: Well accident or not, you need to tell Lisa what happened.

Lincoln: Are you kidding me?! You know what she'll do If she ever finds out?!

Laney: I'm sure it won't be that bad...

(flashes into Lincoln's imagination, where Lisa observes the damage in a dark, stylized environment)

Lisa: (turning red with anger, with her teeth sharpened) You've completely destroyed my life's work! I DESPISE YOU, AND YOU NO LONGER EXIST TO ME!

(a wall of fire burns in the background behind her, along with a cultist choir, as the scene flashes back to Lincoln)

Lincoln: No! She mustn't know about this! (Charles whimpers) Oh, come on, Charles. When did you get a conscience? I've seen you poop on the couch!

Laney: But Lincoln, you can't just walk away from something you've done! Not telling the truth can have dangerous concequences!

Lincoln: You worry too much, Lanes. Besides, if I walk away, what's the worst that can happen? (Charles glances at the viewer; Lincoln takes the yo-yo from the damage) I'll just remove the evidence, and they'll be none the wiser.

As Laney and Lincoln walk away from Lisa's room. Laney was concerned that the small accident that occured in ther could leave to a big disaster. And she should be worried, just then an explosion was heard and Lisa dashed to her room to see the mess. Laney walked over to see what was going on.

Laney: Um. Is everything alright?

Lisa: I'm not quite sure. I don't understand what went wrong.

Laney: I wouldn't know...

Lisa: [sighs] Science is a fickle mistress.

(Lori is looking over a hole in the wall causes by the explosion, which leads to the closet in her's and Leni's room; Leni pokes her head through the hole)

Leni: Hi, Lori! Have we always had a window in our closet?

Lori: Ugh, it's not a window. Lisa's experiment blew a hole in the wall. (notices a picture frame peeking out from the other side) What's this? (Lori sees that the frame contains a signed photo of Bobby) "To my bodacious babe"? Leni, why is this picture Bobby hidden on your side of the closet?

Leni: Oh, there is it is! That was a surprise present from Bobby for your 88-day-iversary. He asked me to hide it for him, but I forgot where I put it.

Lori: That anniversary was eight days ago, and Bobby gave me socks! I can't believe this! You're literally seeing Bobby behind my back! You are no longer my sister!

Lincoln: (walks into the room) Everything okay after that unexpected and totally random explosion that I know nothing about? (Lori shouts in anger, marches out of the room, and slams the door; a coat rack in the closet falls onto Leni, knocking her out; a shelf also tips over, causing several pairs of shoes to fall on opens her eyes as she regains consciousness on Lisa's bed; Lincoln, Laney, and Lisa are looking down on her)

Leni: What happened?

Laney: You got hit in the head with a lot of shoes.

Leni: Of course! Everyone knows that an object falling at a velocity of 9.8 meters per second squared will result in a temporary loss of consciousness.

Laney: Why is Leni talking like Lisa?

Lincoln: Hey, I saw this in a movie once. I bet getting hit on the head altered Leni's brain and made her smart.

Lisa: Lincoln, you seem unable to distinguish between scientific fact and preposterous Hollywood schlock.

Leni: I don't get it.

Lisa: See? Same old Leni. Can't even understand simple English.

Leni: (walks over to Lisa's chalkboard, which contains a complex equation) No, I don't get why you multiplied your "Z" polynomials before solving your non-negative integer exponents. (Lisa looks over the equation, and gasps loudly as it dawns on her that Leni is right) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to disprove Newtonian physics. Buh-bye!

Lisa: (collapses to the floor, crestfallen) My world no longer makes sense.

(Charles looks up and growls at Lincoln)

Lincoln: Don't you have a couch to poop on?

Moments Later, Laney walked downstairs to see an extremely upset Lynn.

Laney: What's wrong Lynn?

Lynn: I just got kicked off all my sports teams because I'm failing school!

Lincoln: How could you fail? Doesn't Lisa tutor you?

Lynn: She used to, until she dropped out and got a job as a gas station attendant at Flip's Food & Fuel!

Lincoln & Laney: She WHAT?!

Lynn: UGH, WITHOUT SPORTS, MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! (kicks her soccer ball hard)

Lola: (walks down the stairs) I present to you your new "Miss Cute and- (the ball hits her in the face) OH, MY NOSE!

Laney: Lola! (walk up to her) Are you okay? (Lola looks into a mirror, and sees that her nose has severely swollen up)

Lola: How can I be okay? I am a hideous...monster.

Lincoln: It's not that bad, Lola.

Lola: MY PAGEANT CAREER IS OVER! (Lola runs up the stairs, and she trips and falls on her face when she reaches the top) OH, MY TEETH! (cries)

Laney: [turns to Lincoln] I told you there would be concequences for your actions! See how much trouble you caused! (Charles looks up at Lincoln, and he shakes his head in disapproval)

Lincoln: Fine, I'll fix it.

Lincoln and Laney ride their bikes to Flip's Food and Fuel, only to find Lisa wearing a gas station attendant's uniform.

Lincoln: Lisa, why are you doing this?

Lisa: Flip's the only guy who will hire four-year-olds with no experience.

Lincoln: No, I mean, why are you doing any of this? Come home. Lynn needs you!

Lisa: Why don't you get Miss Smartypants to help her! (Leni drives up in a purple convertible) Speak of the Devil. Regular or unleaded?

Leni: (brandishes a certificate) Oh, I don't need gas. I just won the Nobel Prize for inventing a car that runs on apple juice.

Laney: Wow, that's impressive.

Lisa: Of course it is.

Leni: (hands Lisa a juice box) Fill 'er up, please. (Lisa opens up the fuel tank, and squirts the box's contents into it)

Lincoln: And then we'll all get in Leni's juicemobile, go home, and forget all this nonsense.

Leni: Can't! I'm off to Harvard! Au revoir, adios, auf Wiedersehen, and aloha!

Lisa: A-HA! "Aloha" means "Hello"!

Leni: It also means "Goodbye"! (speeds off)

Lisa: Dang it. I used to know that. (Flip, the owner of the station, opens a window and calls out to Lisa)

Flip: Hey, Chatty Cathy, BACK TO WORK!

(the station's payphone rings; Lincoln answers it, and he hears barking on the other end)

Lincoln: Hello? Charles? She's WHAT?! Alright, we're on our way!

Laney: Who was that?

Lincoln: That was Charles! Lola's trying to moving out!

Laney: WHAT?! How can dog use a phone? (Lincoln grabs Laney and they run off)

(Lincoln enters Lola's room, holding an ice pack)

Lincoln: Look who it is, Miss Soon-to-heal. (Lola, who is trying to stuff a bunch of clothes into a suitcase, turns to Lincoln; she still has her swollen nose, and all but one of her teeth are gone)

Lola: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Lincoln: AAAAAHHH! I mean, you're looking better!

Lola: (with a lisp) Oh, nice try, Lincoln, but I am out of here!

Laney: Lola, you're making a big mistake!

Lola: The only mistake I'll ever make is staying here where I'm constantly reminded of my former self! (looks up, sadly, at old photos of herself) My beautiful, beautiful self.

Lincoln: But...But...

(Lola struggles to pull her stuffed suitcase, and the handle breaks off, causing her to fall on her face and black both her eyes)

Lola: I'll send for this! (grabs the ice pack, puts it over her eyes, and walks out into the hallway)

Lincoln: Lola, wait! (Lincoln tries to run for her, but he bumps into a plastic bubble containing Lana)

Laney: Do I have to ask?

Lana: Careful, guys. Lincoln! You could get seriously injured!

Lincoln: Lana, what are you doing in there?

Lana: I saw what happened to Lola. Life is a fragile thing. I don't want to take any risks.

Laney: But I thought you liked taking risks.

Lana: Not anymore! From now on, I'll stay in here, where it's safe! You know what I'm talkin' about, huh, Geo? (Geo rolls by in his hamster ball)

Lincoln: Lana, you can't be serious! Lana?!

Luna: (singing) Things have gotten drastic / Now, my sister lives in plastic / Where did it all now wrong?

Lincoln: Luna?

Luna: (shows Lincoln a laptop) Check it, bro. I uploaded a song I wrote about our family going down the Highway to-HELLO! I just got fifty more hits! (the ceiling breaks open, and Mick Swagger descends, holding into a rope ladder from a helicopter)

Luna: (gasps) Mick Swagger?!

Mick: Your singing is amazing! You gotta join my tour! (holds Luna's hand, Laney hugs Luna tight)

Laney: Please don't go! This family's falling apart!

Luna: Sorry sis, Luna is IN! (the rope goes up though the hole in the ceiling, carrying both away)

Laney: NO!

Luna: (from the helicopter) SORRY, DUDE! (the helicopter flies away)

Laney: Every one of my sisters is going away... (Tears begin to flow)

Lincoln: Laney? Are you- (Laney looks at Lincoln angrily)

Laney: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! (Runs off)

Lincoln: Laney, wait! Oh no! (Lincoln goes into his room, and he decides to contact Clyde with his walkie-talkie) Clyde, this is Lincoln! Come in! I've got a Code Blue!

(the screen splits in half to show Clyde's location)

Clyde: Code Blue?! You did something wrong and lied about it, and now everything is all messed up?!

Lincoln: Affirmative! Can you come over?!

Clyde: Negative. I've got a Code Green!

Lincoln: You showed up to school in your underwear?

Clyde: No, that's Code Orange? Hang on.

(Clyde's is revealed to be skydiving with Lori, and he takes a picture of them with his camera phone; Lincoln gets the picture via text message on his phone, and he jumps up in surprise)

Lincoln: SWEET MOTHER OF...What are you doing with Lori?!

Clyde: I've been trying to tell you! A Code Green; Lori broke up with Bobby, and I'm the rebound guy!

Lori: Happy eight-minute-iversary, Snookie-Booboo-Sugarbear.

(Clyde leans in for a kiss, but Lori deploys her parachute, causing Clyde to kiss a flying bird instead)

Lincoln: (gags and throws away the walkie-talkie) WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY FAMILY?!

(Luan shows up, solemn and depressed, and knocks on Lincoln's door)

Luan: Knock-knock.

Lincoln: Who's there?

Luan: This is not a joke, Lincoln. Do you know what's going on in the world? Here, take Mr. Coconuts. He just reminds me of all the trees being cut down in the rainforest.

Lincoln: Wait, Luan, what brought this on?

Luan: Well, ever since Luna left, I've had no one to try my jokes out on. So, I've been watching a lot of cable news, and what I've seen is horrific. So, I've decided to become...an ACTIVIST!

Lincoln: Don't be ridiculous! You're a comedian! (takes out a pie and throws it into his face) See? Funny, right?

(a horde of wild animals stampedes past Lincoln)

Lincoln: What the heck was that?!

Luan: They're just Lana's pets. I liberated them. And now, I'm off to heal this ticking time bomb we call Earth.

Lincoln: Wait, Luan, you can't be serious!

(the monkey and a big snake are in the living room; Lincoln chases Izzy, who hides under the couch)

Lincoln: Get back here, Izzy! (the snake hisses at him, and hides behind the couch) Izzy, come to Uncle Lincoln!

News Anchor: (on the TV) And now, for tonight's top stories. Former rising star Luna Loud was kicked off the Mick Swagger tour for destroying a hotel room.

(the news cut to footage of Luna screaming amidst the wreckage of her hotel room)

Luna: (in a British accent) ALL I WANTED WAS A BLEEDING PILLOW MINT!

Lincoln: Luna?

News Anchor: In a related story, former comedian turned activist Luan Loud has chained herself to a giant redwood tree.

(the news cuts to footage of Luan chained to a giant redwood tree, while onlookers record her with their mobile devices)

Luan: (chanting) Hey-hey, ho-ho! Keep your hands off, let it grow!

Lincoln: Luan?!

(Izzy, the snake, and the monkey join him in viewing)

News Anchor: I'm being told we have breaking news.

Lincoln: Please don't be one of my sisters!

(the news cuts to a reporter on the scene at Flip's Food & Fuel, with Lisa drinking a "Flippie" ice drink right next to her)

Reporter: Tucker, I'm here at Flip's Food & Fuel, where two unknown bandits have just made off with a carload of beef jerky and a cotton candy machine!

Lisa: They're not unknown, they're my sisters. (sips) Their betrayal hurts more than this brain freeze.

Reporter: I'm getting word that the bandits are currently leading police on a slow-speed chase!

(cuts to an army of police cars chasing Lola's kiddie car through the desert; Lola, her face now covered in bandages, is driving, while Lynn is in the passenger seat, eating cotton candy)

Lincoln: WHERE DID IT ALL GO WROOOONG?!

Reporter: One has to wonder, where did it all go wrong for these girls? And why is a four-year-old working at a gas station?

(Flip takes hold of the camera)

Flip: Interview over! Wait, don't forget to come down to Flip's Food & Fuel, home of the Flippie! Now the interview's over. (puts his hand over the camera)

(Lincoln turns off the TV; Lucy suddenly appears next to him)

Lucy: I was watching that.

Lincoln: (screams and jumps up in terror) Lucy! At least you're still normal! (Lucy looks toward Lincoln, and smiles wide to reveal a pair of fangs) D'AAH! NOT NORMAL!

Lucy: I was bitten by Lana's liberated vampire bat! Greatest! Day! EVER! (turns into a bat and flies away, Lincoln sees Laney by the couch)

Lincoln: Laney! Oh thank goodness you're okay! (Laney began to float up in the air) Not okay! What happened?

Laney: Well, I ran to Lisa's room to see Lily's okay. Then I slipped on some of Lisa's chemicals and next thing I knew I got superpowers!

Lincoln: What kind of superpowers?...

Laney: Mostly flight...(Lifts up the couch) And super strength.

Lincoln: How is this possible?!

Laney: You're asking me? After your little accident made all this possible? (flies away)

Lincoln: Wait! Where are you going?

Laney: I refuse to live in a family that that's broken apart. I'm sorry Lincoln, but brought all of this on yourself. Goodbye...(flies off)

Lincoln: Please come back! It was just an accident! I'm sorry! (Door slams in the distance) Ten sisters lost, but there's still one I can save!

(Lincoln enters Lisa and Lily's room, and he looks into Lily's crib; he finds that she is not in it)

Lincoln: Lily?

(the roof is lifted up from outside by Lily, who has grown to gargantuan size; she looks down at Lincoln, and she giggles)

Lincoln: LILY! (Lincoln sees a trail of Lisa's chemicals leading from her desk to the crib) Oh no, Lisa's chemicals! What have I done?!

LILY: Mmmm...glob-glob!

(Lily reaches down for Lincoln as he tries to run away; he gets caught, and Lily opens her mouth)

Lincoln: DON'T EAT ME, LILY!

(Lincoln screams as Lily lifts him toward her mouth; his open mouth fills the camera, turning the screen black)

(the screen flashes back to the point where Laney, Lincoln, and Charles were overlooking the damage on Lisa's desk)

Lincoln: So that's the worst thing that could happen.

Laney: Well, are you going to tell her or not?

Lincoln: I will! I'm going to tell Lisa!

Lisa: (in the doorway) Tell Lisa what? (gasps as she sees the damage)

LINCOLN: (fearful) I was playing with my yo-yo, and it got out of control, and it wrecked your experiment, and I'm really, really sorry! Go ahead and disown me, 'cause I deserve it! (Lisa smiles, and hugs Lincoln)

Lisa: Mad? I'm ecstatic! You proved my hypothesis! Your recklessness was the one variable my ridgedly-controlled experiment sorely needed!

Lincoln: I'm still confused.

Laney: She's saying thank you for being a clumsy doofus, and admitting what you did.

Lisa: Precisely.

Lincoln: I didn't have a choice. I didn't want you to work at a gas station, or Lynn and Lola to turn to a life of crime, or Lana to live in a bubble, or Laney to get superpowers, though that would be cool...

Lisa: (walking away) Fascinating. Exposure to my chemicals appears to have damaged his cerebral cortex.

Lincoln: (sighs; speaks to the viewers) Boy, am I glad that nightmare's over.

(Lincoln hears a bicycle bell ringing from outside; he looks out and sees Lori, and Clyde riding a tandem bike, which is dragging a string of cans and a sign reading "JUST MARRIED"; the sight of this causes Lincoln to scream in horror)

Laney: Well Lisa, you're experiment worked perfectly.

Lisa: Indeed, how did you know that Lincoln's yo yo antics would be the key variable to my hypothesis?

Laney: Honsetly, I didn't. Lucky guess I suppose. It helps that you're related to a reckless and crazy brother. (Lincoln runs by)

Lincoln: AAAAH! CLYDE IS MARRYING MY SISTER!

Lisa: I agree.