17. Sleuth or Consequences

Sleuth or Concequences

It was night time at the Loud House, and everyone was sound asleep. But in Laney's room, someone was sneaking out for a read. Laney can't help but notice that one of her sisters is acting a tad suspicious. She ignored it and went back to bed...

(The next morning)

[Cut to Laney staring at Lincoln's costume while the other sisters laughed]

Lynn: Get a load of this!

Lori: That is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen!

Lola: You aren't going out in public like that, are you?

Lisa: I might point out that you are well past the recommended age that this behavior is deemed acceptable.

[they laugh some more]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Harsh, right? But you know what? It doesn't even bother me. With 10 opinionated sisters, you gotta have a thick skin.

Laney: Don't listen to them, Lincoln. I think your costume is...um... Did you made that yourself?

Lincoln: If you'll excuse me. I have some guyliner to apply.

Laney couldn't help but snicker to what Lincoln said. But suddenly just as Lincoln entered the bathroom, water started flooding out.

Laney: Ahh! What happened to the bathroom?!

Lori: Lincoln clogged the toilet again!

Lola: I'm telling Dad! [goes to do so]

Lincoln: What makes you think I did it?

Luan: Maybe because you made more clogs than a Dutch shoe factory! [laughs during rimshot]

And it is true, Lincoln has flushing down some unwanted things.

[cut to a few flashbacks of Lincoln clogging the toilet; Flashback #1: Lincoln is scraping his gross dinner into the toilet]

Lincoln: So long, liverwurst loaf! [flushes the toilet only for it to back up]

Lola: [bursts in] I'm telling Dad!

[Flashback #2: Lincoln is holding an embarrassing sweater his mother made him]

Lincoln: Mom can't make me wear you if she can't find you. [flushes it down the toilet only for another clog to occur]

Lola: [bursts in] I'm telling Dad!

[Flashback #3: Lincoln is pouring a bunch of CD's into the toilet]

Lynn Sr.: [off-screen] Has anyone seen my CD's? I gotta practice for karaoke night!

[as Lynn Sr. practices his singing, Lincoln flushes them down the toilet only for the obvious to happen]

Lola: [bursts in] I'm telling Dad!

[end flashbacks]

Lincoln: All true. But this time, it wasn't me. I swear!

[Lola brings Lynn Sr. up and is holding a plunger]

Lynn Sr.: Well, there goes my Saturday.

Lana: [moves Lola aside and busts out an even heavier plunger known as Big Bertha] Forget that pitiful plunger, Dad. This is a class 5 clog. You're gonna need Big Bertha!

Lynn Sr.: Well, Mr. Flush-My-CD's-Down-The-Can, I assume this was your doing?

Lincoln: No, Dad! For real! It was not me!

Lynn Sr.: Well, somebody did it! Toilets don't just clog themselves! Until one of you fesses up, everyone's grounded!

[the sisters complain about this unjust decision]

Lincoln: But Dad, I can't be grounded! The convention's in a few hours and I gotta get my Ace Savvy comic signed!

Lynn Sr.: Until I know who did the crime, you're all doing the time!

[everyone complains even more]

Lana: [entering the bathroom with her father and Big Bertha] Big Bertha coming through! [Laney walks up to Lincoln]

Lincoln: Laney! Being the only voice of reason in this house, you have to believe me.

Laney: Well, I'm not quite sure if you did this or not. I wasn't there to see what really happened. Did you get any evidence?

Lincoln: No. But I'm gonna find some. I'm gonna find out who the real clogger is...Ace Savvy style! [pulls out his deck and drops it again] Dang it.

Later in Lincoln's room...

[Lincoln is shuffling a deck of cards and places various cards he put drawings of his sisters on onto his desk]

Lincoln: Okay Laney, obviously you're not one of the suspects. You only use the bathroom to brush your hair.

Laney: I have a system.

Lincoln: So that leaves us with 10. [looks at the cards] One of you is the perp... but which one?

Lucy: [comes out of nowhere] Hey, Linc. [scares Lincoln & and Laney] I might have a tip for you.

Laney: Well, what is it? Who- [Lincoln interrupts her]

Lincoln: [suspicious] Wait. Why do you wanna help?

Lucy: I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing.

Lincoln: Thank you. So, what have you got?

Lucy: Lynn has eaten spicy meatball subs for ten days straight. You know what that does to your digestive system?

Laney: [disgusted] Don't remind me...

Lincoln: That's disgusting, but also a lead! I like your instincts, kid. You wanna team up?

Lucy: Sure. I've got nothing else to do. Besides bear the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Laney: You never cease to to amaze us with your unwavering sense of optimism, Lucy.

[in the kitchen, Lynn is indeed eating a meatball sub; suddenly, Lucy shines a flashlight in her face]

Lynn: Hey! What's with the light?

Lincoln: Why don't you admit it, Lynn? You jammed the john!

Lynn: I think those tights are cutting off oxygen to your brain.

Lincoln: Oh yeah? Then explain this! [dumps discarded sub wrappers on the table] Nobody can eat this many subs and not wreak havoc on the plumbing!

Laney: Don't be so hard on your own sister Lincoln! [to Lynn] Please ignore my partner, he tends to be a little hasty. We just talk about why the toilet's clogged. Did you made any stops today?

Lynn: Nice try, geniuses, but my favorite roller derby is playing tonight and I never bomb the bowl before the big game. It's bad luck! If I go number 2, we won't be number 1!

Laney: Going to the bathroom isn't bad luck.

Lynn: Tell that to the Murder Flies who lost a game because one of their members had diarrhea.

Lucy: Gross.

Lynn: If you wanna know who plugged the porcelain, why don't you ask Lisa? She keeps a log of all our bathroom habits. Pun intended.

Lincoln: Of course! Lisa's weird poop study! Let's go see this joker! [holds up the wrong card]

Lucy: That's the 2 of Diamonds.

Lincoln: UGH!

[Lisa and Lily's room]

Lincoln: I need the file from last night from 1 to 4 AM.

Lisa: [looks for the requested file] 1 to 4 AM...Hmm. It seems to be missing.

Lucy: Missing? How convenient! Clearly, you did it! Case closed!

Lisa: Oh, please! I haven't used the family lavatory in years! It takes too much time away from my studies. I prefer to use Lily's training potty.

Lincoln: Well, it looks like your story's clean...but your training potty's not.

Lucy: What about Lily? She's always dumping her dirty diapers in the toilet.

Lincoln: Aha! [slides right into and knocks over Lily's diaper genie and reveals a plethora of pooped padding] Nope! I'd say they're all here! That clears these two.

Laney: What about Lori?

Lincoln: Of course! She was so quick to point the finger at me, and you know what they say, She who dodged it, lodged it!

[Lincoln goes to interrogate Lori; just then, a stretch and snap sound effect is heard; Lincoln returns revealing that Lori gave him an atomic wedgie to prove her innocence]

Lincoln: Lori did not do it!

Lincoln: Better put a pot of cocoa on. We've only got 2 more hours until the convention and 5 more suspects to go.

Laney: I'd like some cocoa.

[Their next suspect is Luan]

Luan: It wasn't me! I was asleep the whole time and I can prove it! I film myself sleeping in case I say something funny I can use in my act.

[Video footage shows such an event]

Luan: [sleep-joking] What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer! [laughs during rimshot]

[They cross off Luan and move onto Leni]

Leni: Ooh! You wanna do an interview? Okay! My favorite color is zebra and the secret to a great smile is...

[They cross off Leni who proves to be too dumb to pull off such an act and move onto Lana]

Lana: Wish I could take the credit. I've been trying to dam up the dumper for years.

[They cross of Lana and move onto Lola]

Lola: I would never get up in the middle of the night. It disrupts my beauty sleep.

[They cross off Lola and move onto their final suspect, Luna]

Luna: I was at a rock concert, dudes.

Lucy: Prove it...

[Luna turns on the TV to a news report of last night's concert where she is shown chasing Mick Swagger on stage]

TV Luna: MICK! WAIT! I JUST WANT A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR!

[Lincoln, Laney, and Lucy are just speechless at Luna's alibi]

Laney: Yeah, that's her. She loves that guy.

Lincoln: "GAH! We're running out of time and we've got nothing!"

Lana: WE'VE GOT SOMETHING! [finds the source of the clog] Here's the culprit! [hands it to Lincoln]

Lincoln: Aha! A break in the case! [sees that it's a book] "Princess Pony: The Touching True Story Of A Delightful Pony Who Changes The World With Her Horse Sense".

Laney: Who would read something like that?

Lucy: I'll tell you who: Lola!

Lincoln: That lying scoundrel!

Lana: You guys do remember that was just down the toilet, right?

[Lincoln, Laney, and Lucy revile in disgust and go back to Lola; Lincoln kicks the door open only for it to close on his face; he then enters normally]

Lincoln: We know you did it, Lola! We found your book in the toilet! [shows evidence]

Lola: Barf! That is not mine! I may be girly and pink, but I do have standards!

Laney: She's right.

Lincoln: [convinced] I think she's telling the truth.

Lucy: [doubtful] I don't! She's sweating more than a vampire in the sun! Let me take a run at her! [kicks down Lola's tea party table] We know you did it! ADMIT IT! CONFESS! If you don't tell the truth...YOUR HEART WILL NEVER BE SET FREE!

Lincoln: [holding back an enraged Lucy] Whoa! Easy there, spooky!

Lola: [looks at Laney, unfazed from Lucy's outburst] You're cleaning that up. [Laney sighs as she held out a cloth]

Later, Laney was walking back to her room. But once she got there, she saw Lucy hiding something in the ceiling lamp.

Laney: Lucy?

Lucy: Laney!

Laney: What are you doing?

Lucy: [nervously] Uh. Checking the bulb in this lamp...

Laney: [suspicious] What are you hiding?

Lucy: Nothing you can prove. [Lincoln enters]

Lincoln: [kicks the door open] IT WAS YOU!

Lynn Sr.: [off-screen] LINCOLN! STOP KICKING DOWN THE DOORS!

Lincoln: You're the Princess Pony lover!

Lucy: That's absurd!

Lincoln: Then you won't mind if I search the premises. [searches but fails to find any evidence]

Lucy: Are you done?

Lincoln: I'll be done when I'm- [notices something on the floor] That's an odd shadow. [looks up to the ceiling lamp and finds a clue] Aha! Lisa's missing bathroom files!

Lucy: Lynn must have put that there! You've got nothing on me! [just then, her gloomy macabre poster peels off and reveals a Princess Pony poster from behind] Dang it...

Lincoln: You've been lying to me this whole time! Why?

Lucy: [readjusts macabre poster] I couldn't let our sisters know I read Princess Pony. You know how they are. They'd make fun of me for the rest of my life.

Lincoln: So, why do you read it?

Lucy: Even I need a break from the darkness every now and then.

Lincoln: So, how'd it end up in the toilet?

Lucy: The bathroom is the only place I can safely read it.

[flashes back to last night]

Lucy: I was reading it last night. And when I heard someone coming, I panicked.

[Through her panicking, Lucy tossed the book into the toilet and hid in the bathtub when a groggy Lincoln came by to use the toilet and flushed it; as soon as he left, it gave Lucy the chance to escape and save her secret; end flashback]

Laney: But Lucy, I'd never make fun of you. Why didn't you tell me?

Lucy: I'd thought you'd make fun of me like the rest.

Laney: Lucy, I'm you're sister. It's basically my job to be there for you. We're supposed to understand each other.

Lucy: Thanks Laney.

Lincoln: That's great. But Lucy, you have to tell everybody. They still think I did it!

Lucy: But they'll tease me even worse than they tease you! You can probably handle that, but I can't!

Lincoln: I'm about to miss the convention! Either you tell them, or I will!

Lucy: [admitting defeat] Sigh...I'll tell them...

[Downstairs, Lori and Leni are texting each other, Lola's fixing her hair, Lana's arranging her tools, Lynn's doing push-ups, Lisa's reading, and Luan and Luna are fighting over the TV remote]

Luan: Give it back!

Luna: It's mine!

[Enter Laney with Lucy, ready to confess]

Laney: Lucy has something she wants to say.

Lucy: Yes... [gets their attention and reveals the book] This is what totaled the toilet.

Lisa: Princess Pony?!

[the sisters laugh]

Lynn: Which one of you lame-o's does that belong to?

Lisa: Certainly not me! It's so sickeningly sweet I get a toothache just looking at it!

Leni: [terrified at Lisa's exaggeration] Can that really happen?

Luan: Whoever that belongs to is gonna be the laughing stock of this house!

Lori: Yeah! They are literally worse than Lincoln! And he wears his underwear on the outside!

[The other sisters laugh some more and Lucy knows she has to face the music; Lincoln notices Lucy's pain and feels bad for her]

Lucy: Actually...the book belongs to-

Lincoln: Me!

Luan, Leni, Lynn, Lana, Lola, Lisa, Lori, Laney, and Luna: [flabbergasted] YOU?!

Lincoln: I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd make fun of me.

Lori: [sounding sympathetic] Aw, Lincoln..." [now condescending] ...of course, we're gonna make fun of you! But only for the rest of your life! [as Luna, and Lola look at him smugly].

Lincoln: [undeterred] I'm looking forward to it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go tell-

Lola: [doing it for him] DAD! IT WAS LINCOLN WHO CLOGGED THE TOILET!

Lynn Sr.: LINCOLN, YOU'RE GROUNDED! GIRLS, YOU'RE NO LONGER GROUNDED!

[the other sisters cheer and celebrate their freedom]

Lucy: Why did you do that?

Laney: Why did you tell them that book was yours and not Lucy's?

Lincoln: Because you were right. I can handle the teasing. I'm quite comfortable with who I am. Obviously. But don't worry. Someday, you'll be, too. Until then, your big brother's got your back.

Lucy: [smiling and grateful] Thanks, Lincoln.

Lincoln: As Ace Savvy would say...it's no big deal! [screws up the card trick again] Dang it.

[Later that night in Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: [perfects the card trick] I did it!

[Enter Laney and Lucy, who was holding something in her hands]

Lucy: Hey, Lincoln. [scares Lincoln again] Sorry you missed your convention. Here. I made you something. [hands it over to him to reveal it's a horror comic book she made] It's no signed Ace Savvy comic, but I hope you like it.

Laney: I even signed it for you. [Lincoln looks at the cover and finds a signature on it]

Lincoln: [gratefully disturbed] Thanks guys, I see Lucy's break from the darkness is over.

And so Laney went back to her room, knowing that the mystery was finally solved.

Lynn: [ecstatic] WOO-HOO! MY TEAM DID IT! WE'RE NUMBER 1! [feels intestinal distress] Ooh...time for Number 2... [hurries to the bathroom]

Lana: DAD, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED BIG BERTHA AGAIN!

So now you know that I'm continuing this story. I'll update with a new chapter, one or two, every weekend!

Until then, sign off!