133. On Thin Ice

On Thin Ice

[House during winter. The Loud family, minus Rita and Lynn, are in the living room doing various hobbies.]

Laney: Ah, a nice quiet afternoon... [Suddenly, Lynn pops up from the door.] ...is something you won't get in this house.

Lynn: Ha! My hockey tickets are here!

[The spotlight appears at Lynn, with four angels appearing to accompany her. The angels disappear, while Rita enters the house exhausted, and gives off a sign.]

Lisa: Ah! The international sign for scatter!

[The rest of the Loud family panic and attempt to escape. While Laney remained on the couch.]

Lynn Sr.: Gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!

[...but Lynn stops them from doing so.]

Lynn: Hold it! Guys, I got four tickets for the biggest game of the year, and you know the rule: four of you have to come with me. It's good-

Rest of the Loud Family (Excluding Laney): Good luck.

Lynn: Exactly! Our very own Royal Woods Jellyfish are playing the New Jersey Gaba-Ghouls. [spits on the floor.]

Lucy: Mmm... ghouls.

Lynn: No 'Mmm' Luce. This is a Jellyfish house. And a win tonight puts them in the playoffs for the first time in my life! Rowdy McQuads needs this!

Lola: Who's that, some hockey guy?

Lynn: A hockey legend. He's the GOAT!

Laney: Rowdy McQuad is a goat?

Lynn: Not a goat. THE GOAT. Greatest of all time?

Rest of the Loud Family: Oh.

Laney: That's some goat.

Lynn: If Rowdy and the squad are gonna pull out a win, they need my good luck, and you guys know I can't do my superstitions alone. Now, who's coming to help?

Rest of the Loud Family: Uhh...

Lori: Sorry Lynn, but your game day superstitions are way too intense.

Lynn: Yeah, that's why they work!

Lisa: Disagree. Superstitions derive from the assumption that a connection exists between co-occurring, non-related events. Ergo, superstitions are hooey.

Lynn: [Despondant] So, you're all bailing on me? [The family all look at each other.] Fine, well there's no point in going solo, so I guess I'll just miss the most important game of my life.

Laney was never one to dissappoint one of her sisters. When it comes to family, they have to always be there for them no matter what. And when it comes down to it, she always have be the one.

Laney: [Gets up from the couch] Family, I'm surprised at you! We've always been there for others special moments and you're choosing now to bail on Lynn's thing? So what if her routines are weird? I've done tons of odd stuff and you never ragged on me for it. [She goes up to Lynn, wrapping her arm around her] Well, I for one am not going to abandon my sibling in her time of need just because she's superstitious.

Lynn: Thanks, Laney. At least someone in this family supports me!

[Lynn Sr. couldn't take the guilt]

Lynn Sr.: Wait, I'll go with you too, LJ. [Grabs two of his kids, who try to escape.] So will Lincoln and Luan.

Lincoln: Oh, man.

Luan: Why us? I like hokey, not hockey.

Lynn Sr.: Cause you're good siblings, and you were the closest. [The two are annoyed.] I'll buy you funnel cake.

[Luan and Lincoln are intrigued.]

Lincoln: We each get our own funnel cake.

Luan: And one of those big foam fingers, my prop game needs some refreshing.

Lynn Sr.: Deal.

Lynn: Whoo! [Jumps on them] Yeah! [Hugs them] Sweet! [Drops them] But you can't go looking like that. [Later, all four are wearing brown beards.] Okay, lucky playoff beards are locked and loaded. Hands in! [They do so] What time is it?

Lincoln: [Check his phone] Uh, it's twelve-thirty.

Laney: No! It's game time!

Lynn: You got that right, Lanes! [Opens the door] Go! Go! Go! [Lincoln, Laney, and Luan run out, but Lynn Sr. trips.] Get it together, Loud. Let's see some effort.

[Body slams him out the door.]

[At the arena, the crowd is going wild.]

Lynn: [High fives everyone] What's up, my tentacle troopers? Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Laney: [Jumps in wearing foam fingers on each hand] Whoo! Bring the sting! Whoo hoo!

Lincoln: Geez, Laney take it easy. You weren't this stoked before Lynn came in earlier.

Laney: This is a sibling event, Lincoln. You always gotta be there for them 100 percent! Besides, you were always there for all of my phases, so I need to be here for any of yours.

Lincoln: I understand that. But why are you being this crazy supportive?

Laney: Someone here has to. You guys are barely bringing any sting.

[Lincoln rolled his eyes]

[Lynn attempts to high five the security guard, but she doesn't budge.]

Lynn: [Aggravated] How you gonna do me dirty like that on game day, Fern? [Fern turns her head with a slow crackle, she and Lynn stare each other down, sharply at pushpins.]

Laney: Uh, what's going on here?

Lynn: That's Stern Fern. She's the most feared usher in the league. One time, she kicked out the mascot for sneezing too loud. [The mascot nods in agreement.] Fern takes this hockey stuff way too seriously. [Notices Luan and gasps.] Luan, no! You can't sit like that, pretzel style only on game days, it's good luck. [Luan sits with her legs crossed.] You too, Pops, crisscross applesauce.

[Lynn Sr. tries to cross his legs but is unable to, so Lynn Jr. does it for him.]

Lynn Sr.: [His legs tied in a knot.] If I'd known, I would have done some pregame stretches.

Luan: Looks like this pretzel's a little salty. [Laughs]

Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs, funnel cakes. Get your hot dogs and funnel cakes!

Lincoln: Ah, the reason I'm here.

Laney: I'll take some funnel cakes.

Lynn: Stop. You can't order food from him. He's a mush. bad luck. Hey, Vikki! [Vikki looks] Let me get two porksters and a couple of doughboys, goofy foot style! [Vikki nods and gets them ready.] That's your standard hotdog with powdered sugar, and funnel cake with mustard, it's good luck for the team. [Vikki gets the unusual delicacies prepared and tosses them to Lynn. Lynn Sr., Luan, and Lincoln are less than appetized. But Laney was curious]

Laney: Well, it is good luck. [Eats the powdered hot dog] And this isn't bad. Sweet and salty.

Lynn: Rowdy McQuads is on a breakaway! [On the ice, Rowdy has the puck and is charging down the rink, he shoots, and the goalie falls backwards from the impact.] He puts the biscuit in the basket! [Clutches her brother, who has funnel cake and mustard all over his face.] See? I told you these were lucky.

Laney: And these funnel cakes taste delicious. Can I get more mustard? [Vikki squirts mustard into Laney's funnel cake. And she eats it disgusting Lincoln]

Lynn: [Second period starts] Okay, second period is starting. Time to change.

Lincoln: Change?

Lynn: [Puts on a bigger hockey jersey.] Yeah, I have a first-period jersey, a second-period jersey, and a third-period jersey. Now get in. [Puts the jersey on Lincoln, and they share it. On the ice, the referee drops the puck, Rowdy wins the face-off and shoves the other forward away, he goes straight to the goalie, who winds up on top of the net, Rowdy casually tips the puck into the goal.] Woot-woot! Two, one, Jellyfish! [Rubs Lincoln's head.] Good work, bro.

Lincoln: What did I have to do with that goal?

Lynn: Team effort, the more people in this jersey, the better the luck. [Starts looking at her dad and sisters.]

Lynn Sr.: What? [Lynn brings them into the jersey as well.] So, this is cozy.

[Lynn farts, and her family tries to escape the stink.]

Lynn: No, no, no, you gotta stay in it, it's good luck for the team.

Laney: [Holds her nose] Be supportive, Laney. Be supportive...

Lynn: [Looks at the ice.] Uh-oh.

Announcer: And the Gaba Ghouls score!

Lynn: This isn't working, everyone out. [They all get out of the jersey, and Lynn takes out some jellyfish hats.] Quick, put these on.

Laney: Uh, Lynn? Aren't you being a bit too superstitious?

Lynn: I thought you were supporting me.

Laney: I am! [Puts the hat on] This actually isn't bad.

Lynn: [Rowdy takes a slapshot] He shoots. [The goalie ducks in cover, the puck flies through the net and dents the rink behind it.] He scores! I knew the lucky hats would get us back on track.

[Tosses hers into the rink, As does everyone else with their hats.]

Lynn Sr.: Oh-no, it's a lice outbreak! [Grabs Luan's, Lincoln's, and Laney's hats.] Shed the hats, kids!

Lynn: It's not lice, it's a hat trick. When a player scores three goals, fans throw their hats on the ice. [Lynn notices her arch nemesis.] Lose the hat, Fern. [Fern huffs] You're the only one who still has one on, and we're so close to a win!

Laney: Lynn, it's fine. I'm pretty sure that rule doesn't apply to ushers.

Lynn: It applies to EVERYONE. [She snatches Fern's hat and throws it onto the ice.]

Fern: [Growls] That's it! [Blows her whistle] You're out of here! [Grabs Lynn and walks off with her struggling]

Laney: Lynn!

Lynn Sr.: [Having heard that] Ha, sounds like some loser's getting the ol' boot from the arena. [Laughs, then sees at who it is.] And that's your sister. [Fern is carrying a struggling Lynn under one arm.] Hold tight, LJ! We're coming for ya!

Lynn: No! I'll be fine! You all have to stay here and keep my good luck rituals going!

Lincoln: What good luck rituals?

Lynn: [As she's carried out.] I taped a list to my seat!

[Lincoln checks, finds the list, and sees how long it is. He and Luan groan.]

Laney: You guys complete those rituals, I'm not doing this without Lynn! [Leaves] Supportive sister!

Lincoln: How come she gets to leave like that?

[Lynn gets thrown out of the arena; she gets up, brushing off the dust, and sighs. She notices her sports buddy and next-door neighbor watching the game on his phone.]

Mr. Grouse: Got kicked out, Loud?

Lynn: Yeah, you too?

Mr. Grouse: Yep, somebody sold me a bum ticket.

[Mr. Grouse shows Lynn the ticket, which reads "FLIP'S TICKETS ROYAL FOREST vs SMTHN GHOULS," the word 'FOREST' crossed out and 'WOODS' written on top. Mr. Grouse sighs and offers an earbud to Lynn; she accepts and watches.]

Announcer: And Jersey tied the game!

[Lynn and Mr. Grouse groan. Suddenly, Laney bursts through the door and finds Lynn jogging in circles in despair when she sees Laney shivering.]

Lynn: Laney? What are you doing here?

Laney: I came here to find you! We need you back at the game, I mean I want you back, the others are relieved that you're gone.

Lynn: You should be back there doing my rituals!

Laney: But it's not a jellyfish game without Lynn Loud, I promised to be supportive and I am keeping that promise! We are getting back in that game.

Lynn: But how?

[The girls hear a door open and sees the mascot standing in the back entrance to blow his nose. He throws the tissue into a bin as someone is wheeling it by; they both chuckle having the same idea.]

[Cut to the sisters secretly inside the bin being wheeled into the arena. They popped out once they were in]

Lynn: Ha, ha, I'm in.

Fern: [Offscreen] Hey! I thought I kicked you out!

Lynn: [Smugly] Fern, we meet again. [Fern paws the ground, huffs & puffs, and charges like a bull. Lynn jumps out of the bin, tips it over, and makes a run for it. Fern jumps over the bin and gives chase.]

Laney: I gotta help my sister! [She grabs the funnel cake from earlier] I was gonna save this for later, and I guess it's later now. [She throws it into Fern's path making her slip and fall on her back]

Fern: Ow!

Laney: Yes!

Lynn: Thanks Laney! [Fern stares angrily at Laney]

Laney: Uh oh... [Fern chases her across the hall, she stops near the door] Oh boy. [She sees Fern charging at her. She looks at her and the door and again. She then gets an idea and simpily slid to her left, making Fern burst through the door. Fern was now outside in the cold snow.]

Fern: Huh?

[Laney smirked before she closed the door on her.]

Laney: That takes care of Stern Fern.

Lynn: Nice moves, Lanes. Told ya those funnel cakes are lucky. [Picks up the stomped on funnel cake and eats it. Grossing Laney out.]

Laney: Ugh... The things I do for this family.

Lynn: Come on! We can still catch the third quarter.

[Laney confidently went back to the game with her sister. Unbeknownst to them, Fern breaks through the door in anger]

[In the rink, Lincoln is struggling under the weight of something.]

Lynn Sr.: Jelly, jelly, jelly. Ah, jelly, jelly, jelly. Ah, jelly, jelly, jelly.

[Lincoln and Luan are holding up their father as he does the wiggle.]

Lincoln: How long do we have to do this?

Luan: Lynn said for the rest of the game.

Lynn Sr: I don't know, I'm kinda digging being a jellyfish.

[Lynn Sr. continues dancing when suddenly...]

Hockey Fan: [Offscreen] Down in front, buddy!

[The lady throws her popcorn at Lynn Sr., and he & Luan fall over.]

Lincoln: [Looks at the ice] Um, guys, Lynn and Laney are back.

[On the ice, the maintenance man is resurfacing the ice, and Lincoln can see Lynn and Laney hiding in the resurfacer. Lynn gives him a thumbs up, but then looks over to see the other ushers ready waiting, she looks the other way.]

Fern: [Eyes red with anger.] Get them!

Laney: I thought I got rid of her.

Lynn: That's Stern Fern for ya. Refuses to go down.

Laney: What do we do now? [Lynn escapes the moving resurfacer]

Lynn: Come on!

Laney: Uh... [She sees the ushers charging towards her]

Lynn: Laney! Do you trust me?

Laney: I don't have a choice, do i? [With that, she got out of the resurfacer and the two girls runs onto the ice, away from Fern and slipping past several security guards. They slide by the Jellyfish players' bench, high-fiving the players and past a trio of fans—who each raise a "10" card, one of which is scratched out for an 11. Eventually, Lynn and Laney find themselves on the scoreboard.]

Announcer: Check it out, these fans moves like penguins! Give it up for the Penguins!

[Laney bowed while Lynn makes penguin motions to the delight of the crowd. Suddenly, Fern tackles the girls from behind; the crowd boos.]

[Lynn and Laney are enclosed in a jail cell.]

Fern: Settle in! I have a feeling it's gonna take me extra long to find one of your parents.

Laney: You're doing this on purpose aren't you!? [Fern walks away cackling. Laney struggles to get out of the jail] Grrraah! Wait until I get my hands on her!

Lynn: Sorry I dragged you into this Laney. I was just trying to support my team, the way you've been supporting me all day.

Laney: Nah, it's cool. I was just trying to be a good sister. Sorry, that you're gonna miss the rest of the game.

Lynn: Tell me about it! They're bombing out there without me. [Lynn pouts as Laney walks to her to comfort her]

Flip: So, what are you in for? [Lynn and Laney see him]

Laney: [groans] Ugh, we have to share a cell with him?

Flip: Yeah, I got busted for selling inauthentic game tickets.

[Flip reaches into his pocket and pulls out the "tickets." The tickets read "FLIP'S TICKETS ROYAL FOREST vs SMTHN GHOULS" with "FOREST" crossed out and replaced with "WOODS," just like Mr. Grouse's ticket from earlier.]

Lynn: Well, we're here for no good reason! Unless you count being the most committed Tentacle Troopers in the whole arena. [Lynn grunts.]

Fern: YEAH-HA-HA!

[Lynn springs up to the bars; Fern walks up.]

Lynn: Did the Jellyfish score?

Fern: Nope, New Jersey just went up by a goal with one minute left. GABA-GHOOOUUUUL!

Lynn: You're a Gaba-Ghoul fan?

Laney: Now I see why Lynn doesn't like you!

Fern: Hope your team's better at playing golf than they are at hockey, 'cause they're about to be on vacation.

[Fern walks away laughing, Laney furiously shook the bars]

Laney: I'm gonna kill her!

Lynn: This is all my fault! The Jellyfish are gonna lose 'cause I can't be out there doing my rituals!

[Flip digs into his pocket and holds out a white slip of paper.]

Flip: Uh, any interest in buying an authentic 'get out of jail free' card?

Laney: Flip, shut your filthy mouth!

[Cut to outside the arena; Lynn kicks the entrance door open, grunting in anger. Laney, Lynn Sr., Luan, and Lincoln trail behind.]

Lynn Sr.: L.J., wait up!

Lynn: Not the time, Dad. You know I need a 24-hour cooling-off period after losses.

Lynn Sr.: Bu-but honey-

Laney: Look dad, we both had a long day. It's best if we had some time alone.

Lynn: Yeah, no offence, but I don't want to talk about the game at all.

?: Hey, it's the Penguins!

[Lynn turns to look; she gasps in shock and awe. It's Rowdy McQuads!]

Lynn Sr.: [Puts his hand on Rowdy's shoulder.] Yeah, uh, not the time, Rowdy.

Lynn: Wait, were you talking to me?

Rowdy: Yeah, we've been calling you 'The Penguins' in the locker room! I've never seen anyone move like that on the ice. And I would know, I'm-

Lynn: Rowdy McQuads! The Michigan Maniac! Record holder for most goals and most penalty minutes in a single pro season! Hockey Hotshot Magazine called you a 'grinder with a heart of gold' who enjoys snowmobiling, hiking, and crocheting in his free time!

Rowdy: So, you've heard of me?

Laney: I thought you were a goat.

Lynn: Look, Rowdy, I owe you a big-time apology. When I was doing all my gameday rituals, the Jellyfish were winning, then I got kicked out of the arena and you guys lost.

Rowdy: But we didn't lose. We won.

Lynn: [Surprised] What? How? I wasn't there to do my good luck stuff!

Rowdy: We athletes are a strange breed with our superstitions. I've worn the same pair of underwear every game since college. Actually, I'm wearing them right now. [Lynn Sr. drags the girls away from Rowdy slightly, eyeing Rowdy with caution.] But the more you play the game, the more you realize that sports aren't predictable. Honestly, it's the unpredictability that makes playing the game fun. [Rowdy reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cellphone.] Hey, you think I can get a pic? The guys in the locker room aren't going to believe I met the Penguins!

Lynn: Sure!

Laney: Be sure to get my good side.

[The sisters and Rowdy pose for a picture. The camera flashes—fading away to reveal a phone picture of a dishevelled Rowdy and the girls, with a speech bubble that reads "Cheeze." Lynn Sr. kneels down over Lynn's shoulder, chuckling hesitantly.]

Lynn Sr.: Remind me to buy you a new mouthguard when we get home.

[Lynn covers up her mouth in mild embarrassment.]

[On the road, the Louds drive back home. The Lynns are up in front while Luan, Laney, and Lincoln ride in the row behind.]

Laney: I still can't believe you met Rowdy McQuads and you're team made the playoffs.

Lynn: Yeah, but I gotta thank you Laney. After all the things we went through, you stood by me.

Laney: That's what family does. Besides, we both do weird things sometimes but that's what makes people like us awesome.

Lynn: So true, Lanes.

Lincoln: Hold on, you keep saying you support our weird habits. But I wear the same underwear for two days in a row and you didn't support me at all!

Laney: There's a difference between being weird and being gross, Lincoln.

Lynn: But the family is right about one thing. I shouldn't be so superstitous all the time.

Lincoln: So does this mean you'll stop?

Lynn: Yes. On Fridays. After 2 p.m. In the month of March.

[Everyone except Laney groans as the car drives off.]