Iris 8

Maaga akong nagising kinaumagahan. I was even up way earlier than Kuya Alexander kaya tahimik akong umalis mula sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya upang umalis sa kwarto niya at mag-handa. This will be a long day and I can't wait to end it kaya naman I went straight to my room so that I could fix myself.

I was looking at myself in the mirror after taking a bath. I was thinking, it's been a while since I last saw myself. Sa dinami dami ng mga nangyari sa akin, I was never given the luxury of seeing myself. And boy, I look so different from the Iris that was fighting. Ibang iba na ako mula duon sa Iris na pinipilit pang mabuhay para sa mga maiiwanan niya. Now, I just looked resigned. I look like I was drained of life. You can see the stress I am enduring, the fears I am having, the tears I am holding, and the nothingness that I am bearing. Every part of my face just screams my exhaustion and I don't want the people around me to remember my last day looking ghostly. I cannot let my last image to them look like this. I want them all to see me when I was fighting for my life, I want them to see a better me. Ngayong huling araw ko, I want them all to see the Iris that hasn't decided to end his life. I want them all to see the Iris that the people admired and loved. Iyon na siguri ang huli kong maibibigay sa lahat, yung makita nila akong maayos at walang iniindang problema.

So naupo ako at inilabas ang mga make up na binibili pa para sa akin nina Kuya at Mom. These make ups are worth a fortune, they were expensive and I am glad that they are worth the price we are paying. Nagagawa ng mga pampagandang ito na maitago angbtunay na Iris, ang mahinang Iris. Every single day of my life, I am using these cosmetics to hide my imperfection, to hide my real self to everyone. Each layer of foundation serves as my screen for everyone not to see how weak I am, how much of a failure I am.

"Where do you think you're going, little lamb?" Nagulat ako sa biglaang pagtatanong ni Kuya Alexander, I did not sense him at all! Masyado siguro akong wala sa pag-iisip kaya hindi ko napansin ang bagong gising kong kapatid na naka-pasok na sa kwarto ko.

I was wiping away the excess of my eye liner with a wet wipe when I responded to Kuya. "I'll shoot, Kuya. I wanted to film na right away para hindi ko malimutan yung mga tinuro sa workshop."

"But it's still early. Hindi mo ba pwedeng gawin 'yan mamaya? Like in the afternoon, I can even accompany you if you want."

"Kuya, you missed out a lot yesterday dahil sa'kin. You will be busy today kaya huwag na, I can manage naman by myself." It feels bad lying. I feel so bad at what I'm doing to my brother. So if I will be reincarnated in another life, I wish to have a brother again and I swear that I will always be truthful and honest to him because I failed in doing that in this lifetime. "I have to do this early din Kuya para maaga din akong matapos. I can't let you and my paranoid boyfriend stress out on petty things again."

It took quite a bit of persuasion before pumayag at hinayaan ako ni Kuya. Siguro, na-realize niyang tama ako na maaga akong matatapos at hindi na muling aabutin ng gabi sa labas kung maaga din akong magsisimula. After a long list of the things Kuya Alexander is reminding me to do and not to do, inutusan na ni Kuya yung driver na ihatid ako sa mall.

No, I am not filming my videos inside a mall. The mall just serves a decoy, para kunyari alam ni Kuya kung nasaan ako para hindi na rin sila mag-alala. The moment na naka-layo na yung sasakyan namin, I entered the mall and went straight sa kabilang exit and doon na ako sumakay ng taxi para ihatid sa park kung saan ako nag-video kahapon.

The park is basically just the same as how I left it yesterday. It was still silent except the rustling of the leaves due to the breezes, it was still empty except for some people who are scattered in this spacious landscape. Muli akong tumungo sa likurang parte ng parke upang mag-simula. I laid out the same blanket I used yesterday so that I can sit down, inihanda ko na rin ang mga gagamitin ko para makapag-simula na.

"Hello! What's your name? How old are you? How did you find this video? If you are a stranger, this video is not supposed to be in your hands. I ask you to return this to the Figueras'. Kilala mo naman siguro sila, hindi ba? Sikat ang pamilyang iyon kaya for sure alam mo kung saan ito ihahatid, sabihin mo na lang sa guard sa bahay nila na galing ito kay Iris." Amidst the sweltering heat of the mighty sun, I already started filming my next video. "But if you are someone dear to me, how are you? How are you coping up with life? Kamusta ang araw niyo kahapon? Noong isang araw? Was it bad? Know that no matter what happens, I will be here, okay?"

One thing na lagi kong hinihiling na sana ginawa ng mga malalapit sa akin ay yung tanungin ako sa kung kamusta ako. I kept on wishing every single day for them to ask me how I was, how was my day and how did I cope up. Naiisip ko, hindi siguro ako aabot sa ganitong punto kung may nag-tanong sa akin noon. I wouldn't have resulted to ending my life if someone cared enough to ask how I was. Sobrang halaga para sa isang tao ang kamustahin siya at kamustahin ang mga pinagdaanan niya sa isang araw kasi paano nating malalaman na may mali na pala sa isang tao kung hindi natin sila kinakausap? Most of the time, those who are struggling, ay yung mga taong mukhang hindi nagdudusa. Those who struggle, just like what I did, tend to cover what they really feel at hindi iyon maisasaboses kung walang mangingiming mag-tanong. Kaya ngayon, ngayong iiwan ko na ang mga taong ito, kahit na sa video na lang, gusto ko silang tamungin kung kamusta sila. Hindi ko man maabutan ang mga isasagot nila sa akin, at least, they would know that I still care about them even if I'm no longer around. I want them to know that I care.

"Before we proceed to our main topic for this video, I would like to apologize first to my elder brother, Alexander Figueras, for failing you. Your little lamb was too weak to fight the big and scary wolves it encountered. I am sorry because your little lamb has decided to just give up on fighting, to just end all this, to not draw strength from you. I am sorry for not living long enough to see you get married with the woman you love and have my nieces and nephews. But I want to thank you, Kuya Alexander, for being my beacon of hope. For shedding light to my otherwise pitch black life. Kung matutuwa man sa akin ang mga Diyos at pagkakalooban ako ng pagkakataong mabuhay muli, I would wish na maging kapatid pa rin kita. In my next lifetime, I would make sure that your little lamb will be stronger, wiser and tougher than what he is now. I would make sure that the next time we become siblings again, I would be worthy to be your little brother. I am leaving you with a very heavy heart but I know you'll survive, ikaw ang mas malakas sa ating dalawa eh. I will cherish you, Kuya Alexander, forever."

I wiped the tears that pooled in my eyes, si Kuya kasi eh. Sigh. "Where was I? Oh right, we'll start. Let me introduce myself once more, I am Iris Kyle Figueras. I was a boy who likes boys. I was a son, a younger brother, and a bestfriend. I was a model student. Notice all the was's there? That's because I have already passed away by the time this video gets into your hands. And this video? This will serve as your walk through to why I came up with the dumbest decision I have ever made."

Hindi ko matagalan yung init sa pinwestuhan ko kaya itinigil ko muna yung pagrerecord tapos ay lumipat sa ilalim ng isang puno para mabigyang lilim ako. "When you were young, my dear viewer, what did you want to be when you grow up?"

My father, my good for nothing father, wanted me to be with him in the world of business. I remember, he was boasting me and Kuya to his colleagues and he was saying that we will be his better and brighter versions of him. To him, we will fortify and expand his legacy. Whenever he does this boasting, sinisiguro ko na makukuha ko ang atensyon ng lahat bago mag-walk out. I have made a note to myself to constantly be a disappointment to him for he deserves nothing but that. He deserves to be humiliated for he's nothing but humiliation.

My mother, together with my dear brother, on the other hand, wants me to pursue what I love. Laging sinasabi ni Mom that I will be the captain of my own life and she's only there to guide me. Walang pakialam ang Mom sa kung anuman ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko as long as legal iyon, hindi ako makasasakit ng tao, at ikasasaya ko ang ginagawa ko. See the difference of my mother and father? Mom must have been loving my father unconditionally for her to look past the flaws and imperfections of her husband. I actually envy her for her love to her husband for I don't know if I will be ever able to love my father the same way and look past his flaws na first hand kong nakita at naranasan.

"When I still had it, I had it all planned out, you know. I will graduate from High School and then I'll enter College as a Psychology freshie. Ang ironic 'di ba? But yeah, gusto kong mag-psychology hindi dahil gusto kong mag-proceed to med school but because my dream is to become a guidance counsellor. I wanted to be of help to teens like me. Because, I have noticed this, the more advance our civilisation becomes, the harder it gets to share your feelings. The longer technology extends its cover, mas umoonte ang mga taong nakakayang ipahayag ang sarili. And ako, I wanted to be instrumental to the next generation of teens who might be encountering the same situations I encountered. I wanted them to know that they'll find a friend in me. I wanted to let them know that someone knows what they're undergoing , that someone felt their feelings firsthand. Ultimately though, I do not want them to result in just ending all of it just like how I resulted."

Noon, when I was in elementary, I was always with our guidance counsellor every chance I have. Masyado kasing magiliw sa mga batang gaya ko noon si Ma'am Ambos kaya okay lang din sa kanya ang pag-panay ko sa office niya. Ma'am Ambos is a warm woman. She's full of life, of compassion, of sympathy. Sobrang tuwang tuwa ako sa kanya lagi and without her knowing it, napapagaan niya rin ang mga nararamdaman ko. Feeling ko noon, alam ni Ma'am Ambos na may mga dinadamdam ako sa buhay kahit na ang bata ko pa but you know, she never nagged for me to tell her what's happening. She never asked me what I was going through. But you know the reason why I was drawn to her? Hindi niya man alam ang mga rason sa mga pinagdadaanan ko noon, she was just there consoling me and letting me know that I have someone. She's making me feel that I can go through whatever I'm feeling and that she'll always be there. Ma'am Ambos is one of the few people that helped me get this far in life.

"I will share with you all a secret. Alam niyo ba na lima lang dapat ang mga taong mababanggit at patutungkulan ng mga videos na ginawa ko? Supposedly, there are only 5 people who contributed to my early demise. But at the very last minute, I tried to give life a chance, na baka may pag-asa pa pala akong magpatuloy. That maybe things will soon be better. Yes, I tried seeking help but you know, someone somewhere must really hate me dahil ang taong inaakala kong makakatulong sa akin, ay naging isa pa sa mga dahilan kung bakit ko napagdesisusyanang sumuko na sa buhay."

It is hard to try to give chance on life. Sobrang convinced and determined na ako noon na tapusin ang lahat. I was just so tired and I can no longer let myself move forward. But then, naisip ko nga ang Mom at ang Kuya Alexander and what would happen to them if they find out what I did. Naisip ko kung gaano sila masasaktan sa gagawin ko. Kaya, mahirap man sa akin, pinilit ko pang bigyan ng one last chance ang sarili ko. Para, kung sakali man, masabi ko sa sarili ko na ginawa ko na ang lahat lahat na maaari kong magawa. Na, sa huli, hindi ako masisisi na hindi sinubukang lumaban. Na, kung sakali mang gawin ko ang pinaplano ko, makikita at malalaman ng mga tao that I exerted an effort to keep the few remaining strands of my life intact. But then, ayun nga, natalo pa din ako.

"The reason why I shared with you my dream of becoming a guidance counsellor is because of one thing: isang guidance counsellor din ang naging panghuling dagdag sa mga taong naging mga dahilan ko sa aking pagpanaw. She's the last pero uunahin natin ang pag-usapan siya dahil ang huling taong mababanggit sa mga video na ito ang sumira ng tuluyan sa akin. So let us all start, ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to inform you that our next subject for this video will be my High School Guidance Counsellor, Miss Sara Gomez."

"Dahil na rin sa naging experience ko kay Ma'am Ambos, ang guidance office agad ang pinupuntahan ko noon nung kapapasok ko pa lang sa High School. I was hoping that the counsellor here will be just like Ma'am Ambos, if not better. I was wishing that I will find solitude to the counsellor here. And that's how I met Miss Gomez, she's a bespectacled woman in her late 30s that graduated and mastered Psychology. She wore her long hair in a tight bun and she, in everyday of our lives, never failed to look intimidating. Noong una nga, I would admit, isa ako sa mga natakot sa kanya. I mean, she looked like Miss Minchin or something dahil may taray sa personalidad ni Miss Gomez. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano but Miss Gomez became my Ma'am Ambos in High School. She's also there for me. Kaya lang may difference silang dalawa, may mga problema akong nasabi kay Miss Gomez na detalyado."

Hindi ko alam kung paanong nangyari iyon. I was in resolution that I will not tell anyone what I was going through because I'm already sick of being judged plus, hindi kaya ng damdamin kong makasakit ng iba sa pamamaraang baka mahisgahan sila dahil lang sa mga salita ko. People are so quick to judge someone else pa naman. May malaman lang silang babaeng nagkakalaman, iisipin na nilang buntis iyon. Makakita lang ng isang taong labis na nangangayayat, mahuhusgahan na siya bilang isang taong lulong sa masamang bisyo. The society that we live in is highly judgmental and I cannot subject these people over the same things I've undergone. I may be having ill feelings about each and every one of them but it is not me na hahayaan ko silang madanas ang mga naranasan ko. Pero ayun na nga, nagawang makuha sa akin ni Miss Gomez ang mga impormasyon at detalyeng plinano kong sarilihin.

"Nga pala, sa video na ito, tatawagin ko na lamang Sara ang guidance counsellor ko. Adding a salutation on her last name is somehow a sign of respect and courtesy and I would not give her that. I would no longer show her respect. Why? Simply because respect is a two way thing. And you, Sara Gomez, failed to give me the respect that I was asking for." You do not simply give respect to people. You give respect to people that are worthy. You respect people that can also respect you in return. Simpleng respeto na lang ang hinihiling kong maibibigay niya pero wala pa din. "Sara knew of what happened to me and Aaron. Aside from Frances Arra, Sara is the person I go to noong nagkaroon ako ng problema kay Aaron. I cried on her shoulders. I told her how the man I thought would be a friend broke me. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang lahat ng mga nangyari at pinagdaanan ko sa lalaking inakala kong maganda ang hangarin sa akon. Naikwento ko pa sa kanya ang mga eksaktong nangyari nung gabing nalaman kong niloloko ako. I was hesitant to initially tell her all of this, ayaw ko naman kasing sumama ang tingin ni Sara kay Aaron kung sakali but no, she did not hear my initial objections. She insisted to know the details, she egged on me and hindi ko siya pinag-isipan ng masama noon kasi iniisip ko na ganoon naman talaga siguro ang counsellors, they are supposed to be inquisitive. So there, in exchange of me opening up to her, I requested her silence. I trusted her not to telly anyone about what happened, ginusto ko kasi na walang ibang makakaalam sa tunay na mga nangyari. Ginusto kong hayaan na lang si Aaron sa kung anong pinakakalat niya sa school since alam naman naming dalawa kung alin sa mga iniyayabang niya ang totoo, eh."

That very day though, after I went out of the guidance office with bloodshot eyes, nakita ako ni Miss Ruiz and she brought me to her office. She handed me a drink and wordlessly consoled me until I felt better. Contrary to what Sara did, hindi namilit o ni nagtanong si Miss Ruiz sa kung anuman ang nangyari sa akin. Alam kong may idea siya sa kung ano ang dahilan nung iniiyak ko pero hindi siya nag-tanong. She respected that I didn't want to talk about it. But she talked to me. More of, warned me actually. Miss Ruiz said that I need to know the people I am trusting. Dagdag pa niya, hindi daw lahat ng sa tingin kong may pakialam sa nararamdaman ko ay tunay na may pakialam. Yung iba daw kasi eh magkukunwari lang may paki upang maka-sagap ng tsismis na ikakalat sa iba. She advised me that I should be cautious with people for there are deceiving people. That I am not supposed to trust people's appearances. At first, I thought she was pertaining to Aaron. Akala ko sinasabihan niya ako ng mga sinasabi niya dahil inisip kong mabait yung tao amidst the image he has. But now that I am looking back, I think I know the reason why she told me all of those.

"The day after I opened up to Sara and Miss Ruiz giving me a life lesson, kumalat sa school ang mga nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Aaron. The students didn't mind seeing me on the hallways, patuloy ang pag-uusap nila sa mga nangyari sa'kin. Even the teachers who I though would be the purveyors of neutrality, gave their opinions at hindi sila natakot na naririnig ko ang mga kuro kuro nila. That school day was a disaster, I became a joke to laugh at by almost all of the students. But no, I didn't thought back then that it was Sara who leaked the information to the entire school. Inakala ko noon na si Aaron ang mag-kuwento sa lahat. I trusted Sara with her promise that she will not let the true story out kaya si Aaron ang inisip kong gumawa noon, I thought that Aaron wasn't satisfied yet and would still want to see me suffer. I thought that Aaron wanted more than just tears from me, that maybe he wanted me on my knees begging for him to stop or maybe he wanted my blood. But yes, hindi ko pinag-isipan ng masama noon si Sara."

After that incident, after things died down, muli akong kinausap ni Miss Ruiz. Ngayon, pinangalanan niya na ang taong tinutukoy niya sa mga babala niya noon. She stated that the warning was for Sara Gomez, the guidance counsellor. Sinabi ni Miss Ruiz sa akin na si Sara ang nagpakalat sa mga teacher ng mga nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Aaron at ang mga teacher na napagsabihan naman ang nagkalat sa mga estudyante. I was out of words when I heard that. It seemed like I trusted another person who is not trustworthy. Pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit, kung bakit ginawa iyon ni Sara. What would she get? I am no celebrity kaya hindi ko alam kung anong mapapala niya sa pagpapakalat ng mga bagay na sa kanya ko lang ipinagkatiwala. I was devastated and I think that anyone else who would trust someone and be betrayed would also be.

"Now you want to know why did she became part of the elite list huh? No, hindi dahil sa ginawa niya noon ang dahilan. I have already moved past that incident and I resulted to distancing myself to her. Tama kasi si Miss Ruiz sa sinabi niya noon eh, hindi nga lahat ng mukhang katiwa-tiwala ay mapagkakatiwalaan. Masyado lang siguro akong nag-tiwala na si Ma'am Ambos at si Sara Gomez ay parehas lang." Sana, in my next lifetime, I wish na magiging mas marunong na akong tao. Mas marunong mangilatis ng tao at mapagkakatiwalaan because that's one of the main reason why I am in this situation now, I kept on trusting the wrong people. "Gaya nga ng sinabi ko kanina, before I have decided to just end all this, I gave life one last chance. I sought for help. I sought Sara Gomez for help. I know, I know, but Sara is still a guidance counsellor and I was half hoping that she will first do her job before being a tattletale again. And since you are watching this video, Sara Gomez failed to save me."

This comes from a quite recent memory, I was a wreck. Everything came at me like Japan's famous bullet train, they all came so fast and I was not given time to react. I didn't have anyone to turn to, I don't have any support groups to hold on to. I was a filling and I was being sandwiched by ton after ton of weights. Pero sinubukan ko pang kumapit muli sa buhay kahit na halos kuko na lang ng mga daliri ko ang naka-kapit roon. Sinubukan kong humingi ng tulong and that's where Sara comes in to the picture. Alam kong hindi na maganda ang imahe niya sa akin at sa eskwelahan dahil na rin sa pagiging madaldal niya pero umasa ko. I hoped that if she sensed that I am talking about a life and death situation eh uunahin muna niya ang tawag ng kanyang propesyon above all else.

"I approached you that day in your office, Sara. Remember? Nagulat ka pa nga at sinabi mong it's been a while since the last time na pumunta ko sa opisina mo. You must have sensed the seriousness in me kaya agad mo akong pinaupo sa tapat mo at tinanong kung anong maitutulong mo." Here I am once again, opening a chest filled with pent up thoughts and concealed emotions. I would once again relive the pain I felt, the sorrow, the anxiety. "Sinabi ko sa'yo that I am contemplating about doing something immoral. Something like taking my own life. Naalala mo yung initial reaction mo, Sara? You laughed like I just cracked the funniest joke. Tinawanan mo lang ako kahit na napansin mo na ang kaseryosohan sa pananalita ko. A guidance counsellor found it funny when one of her students told her that he's to take his life. Magaling, 'di ba?"

I recall feeling small and ashamed when the person who I thought is expert in handling this kind of things snickered at me. Who wouldn't? Iniisip mo na na wakasan ang lahat and yet tatawanan ka lang? She instantly made me felt as if I am stupid. "Then you composed yourself after that laughing episode and asked me what was wrong and why did I come up to my thinkings. Nanliliit man sa ginawa mong pag-tawa sa sinabi ko, I was resolved in really trying to save myself from what I want to do kaya inilahad ko ang mga nararamdaman ko. I told you all my woes, all my hardships, all my frustrations and fears. Seeing that you were my last chance, I have to tell you everything. I was afraid na baka ikwento mo sa iba ang mga sinasabi ko pero mas nangibabaw ang pagnanais kong kumapit sa buhay. I was committed in exerting all ounces of effort to keep myself alive. I bawled myself out to you as I inform you of everything kasi hindi madali ang ginagawa ko, hindi madali na muli kong inuungkat ang mga bagay na pinagdaanan ko. Mahirap man, mabigat man sa loob, wala akong pinalampas sa mga kailangan mong malaman dahil sa'yo ko na inilalahad ang buhay ko. Inilahad ko sa'yo ang ginagawang pangangaliwa ng tatay ko at sa kung paano niya ako ginamit na instrumento para maisakatuparan iyon, nalaman mo ang pagsisimula ng pagkakakilala namin ni Aaron Pascual at kung paano niya ako pinaikot, narinig mo din kung paano kong nalaman at pinagdusahan ang patagong pagmamahalan ng boyfriend kong si Joseph Paul Rosales at sa matalik kong kaibigang mula pagkabata na si Frances Arra Ramirez, you even heard my deepest and darkest secret of all. I thought, I would have to endure this pain to try and save myself. Sara Gomez, you were my last straw. My life was at your disposal."

Hindi ko pinansin ang pa-ulit ulit at maya mayang pag-tingin sa orasan na nasa pader ni Sara Gomez, alam kong hapon na rin naman noong mga oras na iyon at parang kami na lang at iilang mga estudyante siguro ang natitira sa campus. Hindi ko pinansin ang kawalan niya ng compassion. Ang dami kong hindi na pinansin na mga ginawa ni Sara noong araw na iyon dahil inilaan ko ang araw na iyon upang gawin ang lahat para matulungan niya akong manatiling buhay.

"But after pouring myself out to you, after hearing all that I've went through, the only thing you told me that afternoon ay baka wala lang ang mga iyon. Na baka masyado ko lang iniisip ang mga bagay bagay. Na baka hindi naman parehas ang iniisip ko sa tunay na mga intensyon ng mga taong binanggit ko. You told me that's maybe, it's just all in my head." I can't believe I was hearing this to someone na tinuruan mag-handle ng tao at emosyon. She was looking so sure of what she was saying as I stare at her in disbelief. She's believing whatever trash she was saying. "You must remember all this, Sara. You must remember that your words did not just belittle me, you degraded me. You made me feel smaller. Your words made it sound as if I am carrying shallow burdens. You remember the question I threw? Tinanong kita na paano kung gusto ko na lang tapusin ang lahat, na paano kung gusto ko na lang umayaw. Voice out what you replied, Counsellor Sara Gomez. Sabihin mo muli ang mga salitang isinagot mo sa akin noon, sabihin mong muli na hinahayaan mo akong sumuko at na wala kang magagawa kung iyon na ang napag-desisyunan ko. Let others hear what you informed me, let others know how you failed on doing your job."

That day, as I look at the bespectacled woman in front of me, I wondered. I wondered why is she on her post. I wondered how many students, in various degrees of depression, got shrugged off after going to someone who is a clear failure to her own job description. That day as well, I had my fate sealed, I was bound to die. The person who I forwarded my life to unfortunately just threw my life away into the bin. The bespectacled woman did not help me save myself.

"You guys know what's even worse? Hinayaan na nga lang ako ni Sara Gomez sa iniisip kong mangyari pero may mas malala pa siyang ginawa. She exposed my secrets once again. Luckily, mukhang naawa at nahabag ang mga guro ng eskwelahan namin sa mga nalaman nila mula kay Sara kaya hindi na ito kumalat pa sa mga estudyante. How did I know? It was easy to notice that something was wrong the day after I confessed to Sara. The teachers at the school are looking at me and they were talking in hushed voices. Yes, they often look at me and I normally see admiration and recognition in their eyes. But that specific day? I saw judgment. I saw pity. Plus, Miss Ruiz pulled me out of my class that day then just consoled me. She also reprimanded me to choose the people I should trust my secrets with. Sara Gomez had shared my secrets again to people."

Miss Ruiz did not attend all of her classes that day and she just stayed with me all throughout. Thank heavens she was there otherwise my demise would have come way earlier and I would not be able to film this clips.

"Sara Gomez, I did not expect you to be on this elite list but you are because of all that you did. Actually, I think that it's more of what you did not do. I would totally understand if you did not want to help me save myself but what I do not understand is your lack of compassion. You did not see my fears. You did nothing to soothe my woes. What's worse and something I would never accept is that you you told others what I have gone through when you very well know that the things I told you should be kept private. I asked you to keep my secrets but no, you shared them all to the world. You exposed me and made feel like you stripped me off my clothes and left me alone on an arena filled with people. I felt like a deer caught in a headlight. The reason why you are here is not only because you did not care about the things I was carrying but also because you did not keep your silence. What you did, Sara Gomez, broke and decimated my soul."